Worried about husband's "clean plate policy"!!!

[jujumm]

I have a 7-year-old, healthy, active, daughter. She eats very well from my perspective (experiments with new foods, eats vegetables, etc) while having the typical food aversions which shall pass (no onions please!). Very often (and I mean 90% of meals) my husband makes her finish the food on her plate, even after she has said she is full. Example: dinner tonight was accompanied by garden peas. She ate all her dinner and left a couple of spoonfuls of peas. He said if she did not finish the peas, she would not get a sweet (it's half term and we usually allow a small sugary treat after dinner). I get where he is coming from - why would she get a sweet if she still has some peas left? Also, kids very often say they are full just to ask for a snack, or be fully capable of having their weight in sugar shortly after a meal. But I find it hard to tell when she is "really" full, or just not interested in that meal or in finishing the vegetables. It has happened before that she was "hungry" after dinner, but that is truly rare; more often than not she has dinner, and won't eat again until breakfast the next day. I have read some articles and studies about how force-feeding your child is detrimental to their health, can impact how they control food, and potentially lead to obesity. We had a heated debate about it, as I believe she is old enough to choose when she will "clean" a plate. He is still old school in controlling her food. I told him to look up the research on the subject, and he rebuffed my plea, saying he doesn't believe in it and that he surely would find articles that would back his views. I would welcome it if you could share your views and experiences you have with your children on the subject. And if anyone here is a specialist in the area, please please help!

Growing up we had a clean plate policy. If I wasn’t allowed down from the table or the dog wasn’t in the room it would take hours to finish food. So I could cheek store my mouth would also be checked. I am now a fussy easy with eating disorders who has issues maintaining the same weight.

My own children I would give them small portions with the option of seconds until they could serve themselves, seconds has always been available.

Tjey are more adventurous with food and no issues with food apart from one who isn’t nt.

@Shockmeafter to be clear, the punishment in her view would be to not get a sweet because she has not had a few final spoonfuls of a vegetable. But you are right, perhaps my "lol" is not appropriate here. Also, I am the one against it hence my post and seeking views on the subject.

I’d think a sensible stance was not necessarily a clean plate, but if you’re full then the meal is finished and the kitchen closed until the next meal. No puddings to fill up on sugar and no in-between meal snacks to avoid eating what is offered. If you’re hungry you eat the meal. If not, you sit quietly until others have finished.

If my kids aren't hungry that's one thing, but they can't just leave the veg and say they are full and then get a sweet. If you are full then you are full.

Your child will resent you both if you make them eat when they are full. This is bullying and controlling. Imagine yourself being forced to eat when you know can't take anymore. Abuse.

This. ^^^^

Would you force feed an adult? No. So you shouldn’t do it to a child. If you think she hasn’t enough healthy stuff then no sweet. Easy. And no angst or distress.

No clean plate policy here but we do have an ‘Even Plate Policy’
I have DD11, DS7 and DD5 and they need to eat an even plate to get dessert, an even amount of the meat, the veg and the potato for example.
if they leave all of their veg but have eaten all of the ‘nice stuff’ the sausages or the chicken then they don’t get dessert. I’m not going to make them eat past their full but they do need eat an even meal.

Would your DH go for something like this?

Turning dinner time into a fucking battlefield is so stupid. I couldn't be married to such an idiotic, controlling man. If food waste is a concern, you simply give the child small portions.

I was brought up with a “clean plate” policy and it was miserable. Don’t do it.

With my own kids I’ve done “eat what you want, leave what you don’t want” and for new foods “try a bit, if you don’t like it that’s fine, if you like it then you can have more”.

My youngest was overwhelmed by too much food on a plate and then would eat nothing, so we just offered a small amount with more if wanted.

Food should be a pleasure, not a battle.

Please don't give up op and don't let your dh win on this one. I was brought up to always clear my plate and it's honestly fucked me up for life. I'm nearly 33 and even now need to always clear my plate whether full or not, it's so ingrained. I'm
totally taking a different approach with my own children.

I don’t have a clean plate policy, I just do t get it? If my DD wanted to leave 2 spoons of peas, then that’s fine, sometimes I do. This can either be that I’m full near the end or I’m a bit bored with what’s left & quite full so I leave it. I do t get the side with this, it’s never v much. If she suggests finishing when she’s got more left I do a ‘deal’ just eat 3 more mouthfuls & we’ll call it done!

If my DD left food, she wouldn’t get something straight after like crisps etc but I would feel mean just telling her to eat if she says she’s full!

My parents did this, made me eat food I hated and “clean the plate” even if I was full. It’s a guaranteed way to give your child food issues in later life. And to make them resent the parents that bullied them like this. I was forced to eat at primary school lunchtime too, but at least that spectacularly backfired on one bullying dinner lady when I did an impressive technicolour vomit in the dining hall and had to be sent home.

So yes, a lifetime of weight problems for me, a sibling who had food fads, and I hated my parents for it. But your husband has said he won’t listen to anyone else and you won’t stand up to him, so it looks like you’ve chosen.

Why exactly? Sometimes, as an adult, I choose not to finish everything on my plate at dinner because I’ve had enough. I’m not “full”, I just don’t want to eat any more of that meal. If I still fancy a dessert, I'll have one. Same applies to my DC, because children are perfectly able to self regulate, when they’re not forced to eat to an adult's agenda. DS is still, funnily enough, a perfectly healthy weight, regularly chooses fruit/veg as a snack instead of sweets/chocolate and isn't a remotely fussy eater.

Imo 2/3 extra spoonfuls is as bad as a clean plate. If a child says they're full, they're full.

Just put less on her plate.

@blueswans I like that! I find it that the issue happens on a case-by-case basis: today, for instance, I felt that 2 spoons of peas (when she had already had probably 12 spoonfuls already) was frankly a ridiculous thing to ask of her. There were other instances where perhaps she ate all of a nice thing (e.g. cottage pie) and didn't touch the broccoli, so I would myself say to her that if she has space for sweets after, she should have at least some of the broccoli. So even plate policy sounds like a good approach.

Very unhealthy and damaging; ask me how I know.

This would be a marital dealbreaker for me, no question. It is reprehensible to force another human being to ingest things against their will.

Is she serving herself? Or being given a specific portion?

I'm completely against a clean plate policy. It's a problem with how meals are served in this country. My DP whose roots are Asian said where his family are from the food is placed in many dishes in the center of the table and you help yourself to what you want. In my opinion that's a far more sensible way of doing things.

I frequently don't finish my plate of food. My stomach tells me when I've had enough. It's important to not push past what your brain is telling you, otherwise you lose touch with your appetite and end up eating when you're not hungry.

@FictionalCharacter trust me I stoop up to him and the heated debate was fairly ugly! But as I said in one reply, I am also ready to hear views different from mine (which are against my husbands) and prepared to be wrong and/or find a compromise. Hence the post and trying to see how others deal with this! :)

I am the same - I ended up with an eating disorder
Please fight your corner for the sake of your child

As you and pp mentioned this will likely create an unhealthy relationship with food. I do hope your dh reads up a bit more about it.

In general, the only way she's going to learn to listen to her body and develop a good instinct (not just with food) is if she's encouraged to trust her own feelings/ perceptions. If her body tells her she's full but her daddy says 'no, you're not', she'll learn to doubt and second-guess herself. It's especially important for a girl to be taught that she's the only one in her body and she's the only one who knows if she's truly full/ cold/ warm/ uncomfortable, etc.

Clean plate policy household here - all three of us have diagnosed eating disorders! We think there's a definite link!

Ah the classic, we did /do it this way and don’t have issues therefore they don’t exist. (Yet…)

op I was brought up this way and I hated trying new foods for a long time because of it. I still don’t like food with a sauce I don’t know or if I can’t identify what the food is from looking at it. I enjoy food now but I still have a complex about finishing food/leaving it, which is anxiety inducing

I haven’t read the full thread, but your house sounds joyless. Fathers that force their kids to eat peas and children allowed a sweet because ‘it is half term’!