I don’t know how to get past how angry I am with ds

[MumOfFury]

He’s 10 and yesterday did something outrageously stupid which is likely to cost me several hundred pounds (all the savings I have for Christmas) and was also incredibly dangerous, could have killed him and his brother and could have cost thousands and thousands to fix. The owner of the damaged item is trying to get quotes to get it repaired today and is hoping it may be at least partly covered by insurance.

I am so, so angry with him though and I can’t see that fading anytime soon. He’s sorry that I’m cross with him but keeps trying to justify what he did and doesn’t seem to particularly think he did anything wrong because it was an accident (it was stupidity and he could hear me shouting to him to stop before I managed to get to him to physically stop him).

I don’t know what to do. I’ve take. His screens away but he’s perfectly happy sat in his room reading books. I’m tempted to send him to stay with my mum for a few days. He wouldn’t consider it a punishment but I’m so angry with him I’m frightened I’m going to say something awful to him.

Please be gentle on me. I’m sobbing writing this I don’t know what I’ve done wrong to end up with a kid who genuinely sees nothing wrong with this type of behaviour and seems to have no concern about the huge cutbacks we’ll have to make if I need to pay for the damage he’s caused.

What did he do?

I think we need more detail as to what he did, its difficult to judge if yabu or not without knowing what he did.

Sorry just seen this isnt in aibu apologies.

What did he do?

Was it a moment of madness or is he like this generally? For me personally I’d make him pay pocket month to it as well as starting to do jobs around the house.
A bit extreme but I’d be tempted to put his share of treat money towards paying for it and letting him know e.g. only your brother is getting a McDonald’s as DS you chose to do X so you’ll have to make up some of the money.

def need to know what he did to give opinions-

Sorry OP, we really can't comment without knowing what he did.

What did he do?
Did he realise the possible consequences of his actions?

What an absolute nightmare. Someone I know had something similar - child broke an expensive item at a friends house, not on purpose but still so infuriating.

I don’t know if sending him away would necessarily help - in terms of punishment it sounds as if you want him to be genuinely sorry and contrite which is understandable. Do you think the justification is bravado?

Just say what he did!

Is dad around to chip in too ?

What was it he did? Was he showing off? Is he usually like this?

If it was something he should have known not to do, I think you make him apologise in person to the owner of the damaged item, and then when the repair bill is known, you make him work off that bill, by washing that person's car every Saturday for as long as it takes to pay off at £10 per go.

Eventually, the cost of stupidity will get through.

I suspect he knows how awful what he’s done is and is feeling absolutely dreadful, and dealing with it by pretending he isn’t.

Could you manage a very serious ‘I’m very very upset and disappointed with you’ conversation without is escalating due to the scale of your upset.

I was pretty well behaved kid but my parents gave me one of these very serious, very sober, let’s sit down and talk chats when I was caught stealing their money to buy sweets and it has stayed with me forever.

I think sending him away is too much.

Is there anything he can do to repay you? Eg would a relative pay him 50p every time he does a chore and he works towards paying you back?

People asking what's he done... why ?
The fact is he's done something that will cost his Mother ££

You have my sympathy OP

What I will say is that a child is not an adult. Which may sound like stating the obvious but he doesn’t see the big picture and feel the weight of responsibility that you do. He is living in the moment in a world where you take care of him.

His brain isn’t fully developed yet which can account for some of his behaviour but how to proceed depends on if this is a ‘one off’ or if he regularly participates in risky behaviour not considering consequences.

At the least, he needs to do something to pay some of the cost - as actions do have consequences.

Why? You're just being nosey!

With a name like MumOfFury you should be a super hero character or a professional wrestler

(completely misses point of thread)

You also must be in shock if you could see he was putting himself and his brother in serious danger and you couldn't prevent it - your intense anger might be partly because of the fear and panic you went through, as well as the cost and so on. So firstly please be kind to yourself and give yourself a couple of days to process your feelings, have and breathe, let your brain reset itself.

Then I'd be having a proper chat with him where you explain (calmly) exactly why this is such a big deal and why he has to learn from it not to do stupid things with other people's property (again not knowing the details it's hard to be specific but it's a good general rule!). Ask him exactly why he thought it was a good idea, listen, and help him to understand the dangers, how it made you feel and the impact on the owner too.

You can decide on consequences too, like him contributing to repairs and doing chores to earn more, which would be a good natural consequence to teach him what happens in adult life if you damage people's stuff. But I think really trying to get through to him is a good idea too. Could there be any reason for him being so daft, eg is he trying to get attention, or having a hard time himself in any way? Not saying it's an excuse but it may help you and him to understand it, and move on.

I agree a formal apology to the owner, handwritten letter and bunch of flowers, and make him deliver it, is a good idea too. It might help him make the connection between his actions and the impact on others, but also helps to draw a line under it and rehabilitate IYSWIM.

Well, ten year olds aren't known for their brilliant judgement and perfect risk assessment. Taking away his screens seems a good idea for now and maybe he should put a few weeks' pocket money towards the repair. Make sure he understands why whatever it was was so stupid, in a way that's unrelated to the punishment (it sounds as if he's worried about being in trouble so is trying to defend himself but that's not great if it's stopping him hearing what you're saying about what he did).

It's only been a day so I wouldn't worry too much about still feeling angry- it takes time. Don't keep topping up the pot.

Was it thoughtless stupidity that had bad consequences, or something that he knows he shouldn't do that was intentionally reckless?

I think there's a difference between e.g. a kid getting carried away setting up a skate ramp and crashing into and breaking French doors, versus a kid who steals a car and crashes it.

The fact you say he endangered his brother makes me think its more towards the latter but possibly not.

Ny sister at a similar age once put the keys in my parents car ignition and it reversed down the drive into a wall. Thankfully all the damage was to our property.

he needs to understand how serious it was, and how dangerous. The consequence needs to be related to the action. Natural consequences work best.

I am. Yes. I’m trying to think of what you could around the house that could cause death to two people and all the expense described.

He's only 10 and presumably there wasn't any intent. you need to cut him some slack and move on. you are over reacting, given that nobody was hurt.