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Original poster

I don’t know how to get past how angry I am with ds

387 replies

MumOfFury · 19/08/2022 13:49

He’s 10 and yesterday did something outrageously stupid which is likely to cost me several hundred pounds (all the savings I have for Christmas) and was also incredibly dangerous, could have killed him and his brother and could have cost thousands and thousands to fix. The owner of the damaged item is trying to get quotes to get it repaired today and is hoping it may be at least partly covered by insurance.

I am so, so angry with him though and I can’t see that fading anytime soon. He’s sorry that I’m cross with him but keeps trying to justify what he did and doesn’t seem to particularly think he did anything wrong because it was an accident (it was stupidity and he could hear me shouting to him to stop before I managed to get to him to physically stop him).

I don’t know what to do. I’ve take. His screens away but he’s perfectly happy sat in his room reading books. I’m tempted to send him to stay with my mum for a few days. He wouldn’t consider it a punishment but I’m so angry with him I’m frightened I’m going to say something awful to him.

Please be gentle on me. I’m sobbing writing this I don’t know what I’ve done wrong to end up with a kid who genuinely sees nothing wrong with this type of behaviour and seems to have no concern about the huge cutbacks we’ll have to make if I need to pay for the damage he’s caused.

OP posts:
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stillvicarinatutu · 20/08/2022 18:59

That's should say their mums CANNOT look at them or speak to them *

Hobeau · 20/08/2022 19:51

@BlodynGwyn That is a really horrible post. I'm surprise that someone on Mumsnet (the clue's in the name) has so little understanding of children. There's no reading comprehension failure on the part of those who do see that it's annoying and frustrating, but it's still an accident. The child didn't deliberately set out to damage anything. On the whole, children fail to own up to their mistakes when they're shit scared of the consequences (which can be anything from physical violence to withdrawal of love and affection).

almostfamousme · 20/08/2022 22:18

CherryBlossomAutumn · 20/08/2022 00:29

I do think it’s a bit worrying that posters are ‘reassuring’ the OP that her anger is ‘justified’. When they haven’t really taken in that the OP is absolutely seething and is being OTT herself in the whole this will ruin us and could have devastated people etc…

That is a LOT for a 10 year old to take on board, the sheer weight of his mother’s resentment and anger.

Of course the 10 year old should have been firmly, and calmly given consequences, like no screen time for a bit or whatever. And most importantly time to take in what they’d done, and then able to apologise and realise what might have made them do it in the first place (panic probably) so that they learn to be better equipped not to do it again.

But OP is not asking us for tips on how to get through to her son, she wants to be told that a prolonged and angry punishment is OK. When it’s not.

Oh come on. I think you're the one being OTT. The OP said quite clearly that she doesn't want to take out her anger on him, which is why she's sent him to grandma's, which he won't see as a punishment. There's literally nothing she can do about his Christmas being ruined because she won't have any money now. And it won't be ruined anyway because his dad will buy him presents. That's hardly a prolonged and angry punishment. He'll get the time he needs to take in what he's done at grandma's.

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MrsLighthouse · 21/08/2022 08:45

@Annoyingkidsmusic its a really teenage thing to do …l can laugh now but inside still cry a bit about the cost 😭

MrsLighthouse · 21/08/2022 08:47

@SalmonEile thanks …somethings the threads are so long l miss something l want to know 🤔

Hangingoninthere88 · 21/08/2022 09:59

It's worth saying too that kids (boys especially) are growing rapidly at this age and sometimes literally don't know their own strength. I remember my brother at a similar age getting locked out of our house and bashing the french window so hard the glass shattered. He absolutely didn't intend to smash it he just panicked and forgot how strong he's getting. We laugh about it now.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 21/08/2022 10:05

OP you are getting a hard time here but I completely understand and agree. He's not taking it seriously enough and that's upsetting on top of the added element that he doesn't appreciate what you do because his dad will gleefully pick up the slack?

ancientgran · 21/08/2022 12:36

Hangingoninthere88 · 21/08/2022 09:59

It's worth saying too that kids (boys especially) are growing rapidly at this age and sometimes literally don't know their own strength. I remember my brother at a similar age getting locked out of our house and bashing the french window so hard the glass shattered. He absolutely didn't intend to smash it he just panicked and forgot how strong he's getting. We laugh about it now.

Did he apologise or did he roll his eyes at your mother and say it was just an accident.

I think people don't get that his attitude is what is making this worse.

ScreamingBeans · 21/08/2022 14:19

"No child (or adult) should ever feel they ruined Christmas or someone else’s holiday.
And no child should ever be punished just because their parents are on a low income -
many posters keep harping on about OP apparently not having much money so he needs to be punished or not have his Christmas presents, like if she was rich the child wouldn’t need to be punished as much, which is an awful lesson to teach someone."

I don't get this.

If the consequences of his actions are primarily not for him, but for the family as a whole, in that the damage has to be paid for, then there won't be any money for expensive christmas presents or indeed any treats for the next however many months.

That's not the OP being horrible, it's just a logical consequence of her son's actions.

I really think some people do not understand what it is like to have to budget carefully for every single thing you do and the stress poverty causes people.

Which is why I think it's very important for the OP to separate her child's actions from the dire consequences they have for her as an adult. The stress they have caused her is absolutely horrific and very understandable if you have any empathy at all; but the child cannot be expected to have any insight whatsoever into that stress, because he's a child.

I don't know what the answer is. It seems awful to have a "punishment" that goes on for months. But the actual consequences of his actions, do go on for months - there will be no money. And we're generally advised to not frame responses to bad behaviour as punishment, but merely as consequences which naturally flow from the unwanted behaviour.

RhubarbMoon · 21/08/2022 14:28

No child (or adult) should ever feel they ruined Christmas or someone else’s holiday.

Bullshit on the 'adult' part. If you ruined it, you ruined it.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 21/08/2022 15:24

No child (or adult) should ever feel they ruined Christmas or someone else’s holiday

Absolute bullshit. So basically if a person ruins something, if they didn't mean to, then they should protected from feeling any sort of bad feeling? I'm really sorry, but no. This is why some kids grow up with absolutely no empathy for others, and a huge expectation as to what life should give them.

TokyoSushi · 21/08/2022 15:38

Oh OP, I've just come across your thread, what an absolute nightmare, it sounds like panic upon panic and the situation just got completely out of control. I have a DS (11) and he's not known for common sense either.

It sounds like you have a lot going on and just need a massive hug. Hope things are looking a bit brighter.

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