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I don’t know how to get past how angry I am with ds

387 replies

MumOfFury · 19/08/2022 13:49

He’s 10 and yesterday did something outrageously stupid which is likely to cost me several hundred pounds (all the savings I have for Christmas) and was also incredibly dangerous, could have killed him and his brother and could have cost thousands and thousands to fix. The owner of the damaged item is trying to get quotes to get it repaired today and is hoping it may be at least partly covered by insurance.

I am so, so angry with him though and I can’t see that fading anytime soon. He’s sorry that I’m cross with him but keeps trying to justify what he did and doesn’t seem to particularly think he did anything wrong because it was an accident (it was stupidity and he could hear me shouting to him to stop before I managed to get to him to physically stop him).

I don’t know what to do. I’ve take. His screens away but he’s perfectly happy sat in his room reading books. I’m tempted to send him to stay with my mum for a few days. He wouldn’t consider it a punishment but I’m so angry with him I’m frightened I’m going to say something awful to him.

Please be gentle on me. I’m sobbing writing this I don’t know what I’ve done wrong to end up with a kid who genuinely sees nothing wrong with this type of behaviour and seems to have no concern about the huge cutbacks we’ll have to make if I need to pay for the damage he’s caused.

OP posts:
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LIZS · 19/08/2022 15:51

I suspect is an element of shock, at his behaviour and the consequences, and frustration that it happened on your watch in your anger. Was there any build up to the incident, that he didn't want to shower for example? Did he show any remorse?

Hopefully the damage is not as costly as you fear but expect to pay for the bathrobe (and maybe that is what ds contributes to). The door was an accident.

RaRaRaspoutine · 19/08/2022 15:53

Ahh silly boy. Is he one of those who is booksmart but completely lacks common sense? I would be raging with him too. Thankfully it wasn't fatal and it's "only" money (easy to say I know). He is probably feeling immense guilt but not showing it.

Damnautocorrect · 19/08/2022 15:53

Oh fuck.
blind panic has caused the stupidity.

i don’t think he needs punishing, none of that was on purpose. He was just a bloody idiot in every stage.

weve been in the glamp sites position before, and we shrugged it off and absorbed the cost. Bloody annoying. But one of those things when you rent stuff out to people who aren’t used to it.

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Gut · 19/08/2022 15:53

His name's not Frank Drebin by any chance?

ChloeKellyIsAnIcon · 19/08/2022 15:54

Even if it was thoughtlessness, it's still not like he was deliberately naughty. At the end of the day he didn't intend any of this to happen. That said, I can understand your feelings OP. There are no winners in this situation.

Phineyj · 19/08/2022 15:54

I can see why you're upset, however, I could imagine my 9 year old getting into this sort of pickle. So I try to avoid posh places as they always seem to have white fabrics, wood fires, sliding doors etc! Caravan park next time - somewhere cheap and cheerful!

Hopefully most of it will be covered by insurance.

But if he's (accidentally/impulsively) used up the Christmas fund, there's a natural consequence right there?

Reallybadidea · 19/08/2022 15:55

I'm guessing that your anxiety over the financial implications is in part why you're so angry. And maybe the embarrassment about having to explain it all to the owner. That's totally understandable but I think you need to try and separate your feelings about the implications of what he did from the actions of his that caused them. He was careless and he panicked but he didn't do it intentionally. We all do dumb things and he isn't mature enough to understand the outcome of his actions, especially in a state of panic.

RinskeD · 19/08/2022 15:55

I don't think bashing a door in is an accident and can't believe the excuses being made. He's old enough to know that if something doesn't work as you expect you ask for help, don't just wantonly destroy it. And bollocks to saying he couldn't hear you yelling at him to stop.
Then he lit the wood burner - in spite of the fact that you have one at home and he knows he isn't allowed to touch it. As you say, he could have set the property alight.
Actions have consequences. In this case you could end up having to use all of your Xmas money to pay for his actions. You tell him that. You tell him that it means no expensive present for him this Xmas. You stick by that. If you're upset to the point of tears let him see that.

Hobeau · 19/08/2022 15:55

Oh goodness, OP. Poor boy. He's 10. He made a mistake, and in the process of trying to put things right, he made further mistakes.

My ex husband was unreasonably angry with our children for mistakes. It took me a long time to re-programme them to realise that you will never, ever be punished for a mistake (including with anger).

Go and give him a hug!

WonderingWanda · 19/08/2022 15:56

Honestly I think you are totally overreacting being so angry about this. He made some errors and it sounds like he panicking about not being able to get the door open but he is 10 years old. He didn't willfully sma

UniversalAunt · 19/08/2022 15:57

Others will know the detail of this better than I do, but my lay understanding of the law is that child is deemed responsible for criminal responsibility from the age of 10yo. There is a point at which a child is deemed to be capable of responsibility for their actions. Of course, children develop at different rates around this age, so some mitigation is taken into account. It’s not always straight forward.

So @MumOfFury understandably you are angry, upset & alarmed by what your child has done let alone the actual cost of making good.

Would the bathroom door usually be locked by a child at home?
A locked bathroom door is a non-starter in our house, so privacy when the door is closed is strictly respected. Is a lock on the door something new so they used it without thought?
I am a bit confused about which door was kicked in, by any measures this was unacceptable. You mentioned that you told him what to do, e.g. stop, through the locked door which meant that you could not be there to intervene, & he carried on? Then to put something, let alone a fabric item, on top of an open fire is plain scary.

Is your child this reckless at home? Do they usually need much supervision?

I think10yo is old enough to learn that there are financial consequences to actions that damage other people’s property. This is something that needs to be aired & discussed. The savings you had in hand for everyone’s Christmas may now be gone, so fewer presents/less choice etc all round.

Denial of screen time for a fixed period has scope. Can you cap their data use so that there is a ‘nominal’ repayment. Maybe a limit of new books, comics, treats etc for a fixed period?

The discussion is why did they carry in doing something - not a little bit naughty or indulgent, but active damage -when told by a parent not to do so, & why do something dangerous - heat, fire, flammable - when they know not to do so at home?

The outcome may be as parent that you may need to revise how much risk & responsibility at this stage that your child can understand or manage, e.g. access to/not breaking stuff, walking home from school, asking for help to resolve things that are a bit beyond them at the moment.

Lastly, no matter how mad or upset you are, please don’t send your child to your mum’s at this time. For you it may seem like a break from your difficult feelings, but actually is it a form of exile/banishment/rejection for your child & this may come back harder & harsher on you both later on.

First work this matter through together at home, let the dust settle & then maybe a few days with your mum so that you have a bit of space to yourself. A decision to be considered with a cool head & a calm heart.

Strokethefurrywall · 19/08/2022 15:57

If it makes you feel any better, I crashed my dads car when I was 3... twice.

The financial implication is what is compounding your anger, which I totally understand. But he didn't do it on purpose, just behaved thoughtlessly (which is frustrating enough)!

WonderingWanda · 19/08/2022 15:58

Sorry.

He didn't willfully smash the place up or set it to start a fire. As a child I put something over a lamp and it set on fire. I also smashed and expensive sunbed. My Mum wasn't cross with me, she was just relieved I wasn't hurt.

Be a bit nicer to him, are you usually close?

goldfinchonthelawn · 19/08/2022 16:00

I agree with a PP thatyour anger is masking your fear that he might have died if the place had gone up in flames. And it might be a cover for guilt. You had a clothes horse next to the woodburner. he put something else on it and it burned. You play a part in that so don;t deflect all guilt on him.

I don't know how to calm your anger but when you do calm down, make sure you tell him he's forgiven and no one gets through life without making some huge mistakes. That doesn't mean no consequences. My attitude was to be really nice and not angry about stuff like this but absolutely unshakeable in sorting out him taking responsibility for the outcome.

So I'd get him to write a card to the owners saying sorry and that he realises that he caused costly and time-consuming damage. Make him buy the sorry card from his own pocket money. Then see if you can create some job for him to do at £5-10ph, so that he works hard for you for a day or two in return for the cost of the dressing gown. Clearing out the garage or cleaning the house or repainting some walls or furniture. Don't mention the reason he's doing it, just get on with it together unless he tries to shirk.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 19/08/2022 16:01

What makes you think she isn't being nice to him @WonderingWanda? You're making out she's a monster when she's not said anything to insinuate that.

Clymene · 19/08/2022 16:04

RinskeD · 19/08/2022 15:55

I don't think bashing a door in is an accident and can't believe the excuses being made. He's old enough to know that if something doesn't work as you expect you ask for help, don't just wantonly destroy it. And bollocks to saying he couldn't hear you yelling at him to stop.
Then he lit the wood burner - in spite of the fact that you have one at home and he knows he isn't allowed to touch it. As you say, he could have set the property alight.
Actions have consequences. In this case you could end up having to use all of your Xmas money to pay for his actions. You tell him that. You tell him that it means no expensive present for him this Xmas. You stick by that. If you're upset to the point of tears let him see that.

So you think he deliberately smashed a door, destroyed an expensive item of clothing and tried to set fire to the place for a laugh?

So why was he trying to mop up the water?

knackeredagain · 19/08/2022 16:04

He’s away from home so the usual way he deals with things has gone out of the window and he’s got in a flap. I can understand why you are angry though.

I don’t think there’s any harm sending him to your mums to give yourself a bit of space to calm down. I’ve done it myself.

Leafy3 · 19/08/2022 16:04

Well I'm going to go against the grain here and say I'd also be furious and think your son bears more responsibility for his actions than other pp are allowing.

Yes, his brain is still developing (will continue to do until his 20s) but he's old enough to know when to stop doing something (especially when being told) and he clearly knew how to behave around wood burners. However, the thing I'd be more concerned about is his insistence that he doesn't see he did anything wrong and I would focus my efforts on getting him to accept responsibility rather than feeling justified in my anger.

Too many people grow up unable to take responsibilities for their actions and poor decisions.

UniversalAunt · 19/08/2022 16:06

‘I don’t know what I’ve done wrong to end up with a kid who genuinely sees nothing wrong with this type of behaviour and seems to have no concern’

I missed that closing sentence & now on a slower reading, it’s a red flag to me.

@MumOfFury if this is not the first instance of your child’s not understanding what they have done wrong with no concerns about damage, their safety & everyone else’s safety, then you need to consider asking for support & help.
This may seem over the top or over cautious, but if there is an underlying trait or issue about understanding risk, responsibilities & consequences, then the matter is far better addressed sooner than later, with less needed for better outcomes sooner.

If it is the first instance, then chalk it up to experience all round, but make a note to yourself.

MumOfFury · 19/08/2022 16:07

@Cognacsoft I’ve already said I was glamping. It was a tent, in the evening and it was chilly.

Its not just the cost of fixing the shower, it’s the smoke that was in the tent. Everything absolutely stank. It was one of those yurts with the sort of plastic outside and then drapes everywhere inside and I’m guessing they’ll need to be taken down and washed somehow. The owner was trying to sort alternative accommodation for the people booked to stay there after us as there’s no way it would be suitable for them to use. She kindly got us all new duvets and linen for last night but we had to sleep with tent open wide and still all woke up with sore throats from the smoke stink.

OP posts:
Trinity65 · 19/08/2022 16:07

picklemewalnuts · 19/08/2022 14:36

Oh Gosh, @MumOfFury , that's really really bad luck! A catalogue of disasters.

In fact it's worthy of a Frank Spencer sketch. There's a reason why people write comedies like that.

One day. In the far far future. You will laugh. You will invite his girlfriend or boyfriend to dinner and say, 'don't let him borrow your dressing gown!'.

FlowersFlowersBrewGin

I absolutely agree .. though not helping OP right now .

OP I understand your anger and your frustrations and IMO you done the right thing in creating some space between you both for a while

One day you will look back and smile ..

RinskeD · 19/08/2022 16:09

goldfinchonthelawn · 19/08/2022 16:00

I agree with a PP thatyour anger is masking your fear that he might have died if the place had gone up in flames. And it might be a cover for guilt. You had a clothes horse next to the woodburner. he put something else on it and it burned. You play a part in that so don;t deflect all guilt on him.

I don't know how to calm your anger but when you do calm down, make sure you tell him he's forgiven and no one gets through life without making some huge mistakes. That doesn't mean no consequences. My attitude was to be really nice and not angry about stuff like this but absolutely unshakeable in sorting out him taking responsibility for the outcome.

So I'd get him to write a card to the owners saying sorry and that he realises that he caused costly and time-consuming damage. Make him buy the sorry card from his own pocket money. Then see if you can create some job for him to do at £5-10ph, so that he works hard for you for a day or two in return for the cost of the dressing gown. Clearing out the garage or cleaning the house or repainting some walls or furniture. Don't mention the reason he's doing it, just get on with it together unless he tries to shirk.

So let's say that potentially Op has had to pay for the ruined dressing gown. And she's lost her Xmas savings and doesn't have a lot of spare cash around. She's supposed to play some sort of accountability game with him by giving him her money as earnings, but taking it back with the other hand to "pay for" the dressing gown.
There's no need to invent consequences here by making him pay back money through an artificial exercise. If the consequences are less spent on him for Xmas the lesson is learned.
Let's just stop and think about how wilfully badly behaved Op's son was before telling her to be nice to him. He didn't realise that a shower door slid from side to side rather than opening out. So he proceeded to smash it in, ignoring his Mum shouting on the other side of the door, even after he would have been able to see he was starting to do damage. That is not a bloody accident.
Don't even get me started on lighting a fire when he knew he wasn't allowed to.
I can't believe what people are saying here. He's 10 - not 2.

gatehouseoffleet · 19/08/2022 16:10

I thought it was going to be him being on a bike and he'd ridden into a car, in which case I was going to say - claim on insurance and you could pay the excess.

The same applies here - the owner should have insurance. This sort of thing is an occupational hazard I'm afraid. My mum knows someone who runs a pub (well, used to run a pub but decided to give up after covid hit) and she had a guest who drank too much, started to run a bath, and fell asleep (not in the bath, fortunately). And well, you can guess the rest. Owners have to have insurance for accidental damage by guests.

Not sure how restricting screen time will help in any way whatsoever. Surely getting him to do odd jobs around the house to "pay" you back for covering the excess on the insurance would be more useful?

MumOfFury · 19/08/2022 16:11

@RinskeD he could definitely hear me shouting at him through the door. He was yelling back that he was trying to turn it off.

He wouldn’t normally lock the door at home. It was a row of 3 separate bathrooms shared with another tent as well so he’d locked it to stop anyone from the other tent wandering in. I was in the one next to him but as the partition wall didn’t go all the way to the top I could hear him banging and came straight out.

OP posts:
gatehouseoffleet · 19/08/2022 16:11

There's no need to invent consequences here by making him pay back money through an artificial exercise. If the consequences are less spent on him for Xmas the lesson is learned a reasonable point, but Christmas is some months away, whereas doing odd jobs would be from now on.

And he didn't light a fire.

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