I don’t know how to get past how angry I am with ds

[MumOfFury]

He’s 10 and yesterday did something outrageously stupid which is likely to cost me several hundred pounds (all the savings I have for Christmas) and was also incredibly dangerous, could have killed him and his brother and could have cost thousands and thousands to fix. The owner of the damaged item is trying to get quotes to get it repaired today and is hoping it may be at least partly covered by insurance.

I am so, so angry with him though and I can’t see that fading anytime soon. He’s sorry that I’m cross with him but keeps trying to justify what he did and doesn’t seem to particularly think he did anything wrong because it was an accident (it was stupidity and he could hear me shouting to him to stop before I managed to get to him to physically stop him).

I don’t know what to do. I’ve take. His screens away but he’s perfectly happy sat in his room reading books. I’m tempted to send him to stay with my mum for a few days. He wouldn’t consider it a punishment but I’m so angry with him I’m frightened I’m going to say something awful to him.

Please be gentle on me. I’m sobbing writing this I don’t know what I’ve done wrong to end up with a kid who genuinely sees nothing wrong with this type of behaviour and seems to have no concern about the huge cutbacks we’ll have to make if I need to pay for the damage he’s caused.

Honestly there was no ill intention to what he did.

You're stressed and panicked.

It will get better.

What you described originally sounded like dropping bricks off a road bridge or something. Honestly, it will be ok.

I would be furious too, all that saving just to throw it away on this. I would try and stay calm but would be very clear that as a result of this Christmas and his birthday are going to be affected as you simply can't afford it, and follow through. Or stop buying other treats so he can see what cutbacks look like (although that may end up punishing his brother too) I have two nine year olds and the scenario you describe sounds like something they would be capable of and not fully an "accident" as such. I also feel I have failed in having children who don't value or appreciate anything (in trying for them not to have the slightly stressful childhood I had not being given the basics).

Hope the final cost won't be as bad as you fear x

OH he panicked and compounded the error. I'm a bit confused about there being a log burner in the bathroom. Hence the dressing gown getting burned. I would suggest to the owner to put in a lock that can be opened from the outside.

I wouldn't be too hard on him you've both had an awful fright

I agree with this- he is 10.
I know you are angry and are right to be but he isn’t able to comprehend your anger as such.
I do agree he needs to know he did wrong and you need to put in place some type of remedy but don’t punish him for ever over weeks and months it’s not fair. To yourself or him.

Those all look like honest mistakes a 10yr old could do in an unfamiliar place like glamping. Being drenched with cold water and the door being stuck would panic many people. Then when there’s water everywhere, it’s only natural to grab the closest thing made of Terry towel. And then thinking you could dry something directly on a wood burner- I’ve known adults to make this mistake!

I would feel angry too, but you need to try not to take it out on your DS. Realistically, what happened couldn’t have killed him or anyone else.
It’s just one of those things that happen. Like DCs bouncing on beds in a hotel and one falling off and pulling all the curtains down with them and then the other throwing up sick all over the bed and carpet….all while you thought you could safely take a 5 min shower.

Poor kid. It gets worse - boys brains don’t seem to process instructions well at various points. There is some biological explanation but I can’t remember it. I have 3 of them.

given the catalogue of errors I wonder if he has become panicky and anxious whilst trying to do the right thing and made it worse accidentally?

so the door and rails - yes he shouldn’t have been so heavy handed- hopefully they have accidental damage cover( and if not why not??).

the dressing gown- well technically it’s not missing is it? And honestly what are they doing leaving an expensive dressing gown hanging around ? That’s asking for accidents. I’m afraid op I’d be blaming myself for leaving an expensive item around as well with young kids around. Accidents happen. Anyway hopefully accidental damage covers that too.

top tip - always take out the £30 accidental damage insurance when booking a holiday.

Not gonna lie I was expecting worse but I can understand why you're angry as you may be out of pocket now with damages etc.

Life goes on, try not to let it linger too much.

Is he usually well behaved?

It sounds like he panicked - he wouldn't have been able to hear you as he was probably extremely stressed out. And making the mistake with the dressing gown was really unfortunate - it's likely he was still stressed, knew he was in a lot of trouble and came up with the wrong solution...most kids would probably have slung it over the wet clothes.

I can understand that you're very upset with him but, he's right, it was an accident. He does needs to take responsibility but that can only happen when you have both calmed down from this and talked it through. A 7 year old probably can't be trusted around expensive, bespoke showers and £75 dressing gowns.

I can understand why you would be shouting at him, especially in the moment when you fear he's in danger and can't get him to hear you. And then burning the dressing gown after that too...another scary situation for you. Take a deep breath and just try to simmer down. It's over now and what's done is done.

Re reading the OP in the light of what you tell us happened: is it the financial implications panicking you? Are you a lone parent, you don't mention anyone else? Is there a trusted adult you can talk it through with.

Be honest with yourself, he didn't do anything out of malice, did he?

Oh no! At that age their brains still aren't fully developed. And they don't always have the ability to stop themselves doing impulsive things very quickly. I imagine he panicked because of the water and wasn't thinking logically about the consequences of banging the door. Again, the fire seems very silly, but you've said that on a normal day he would be aware and wouldn't have done it. So that was probably also an 'in a moment of chaos" thing. I sympathise because I think I'd be cross too, and would have to really take a step back in order to gain perspective and accept it.

Sorry - I don't know where I got 7 from. Hmm...10 yrs should know a bit better but it doesn't depend on how he usually reacts and his emotional maturity.

It’s a tricky age - still young and daft but potentially quite strong so can do a lot of damage.

So he broke the shower door because he didn’t realise it was a sliding door rather than a hinge. Then mopped up the water with a dressing gown and subsequently burned it while trying to dry it. None of that sounds malicious or intentional so I wouldn’t be too harsh on him.

Honestly I wouldn’t expect there to be permanent smoke damage from a toasted dressing gown. Ok the door has been broken, but it’s a repair rather than a full replacement. The dressing gown will cost £75 plus the cost of fixing the door, and hopefully insurance will cover some of it.

He’s 10, he’s been stupid and I’d be extremely annoyed.
I don’t understand people saying he panicked. The shower was only cold, you don’t panic from a cold shower. He was just being an idiot.

I wouldn’t send him to your mums though.

I suspect its more the financial side that's got OP so upset; Understandably.

It definitely sounds like he panicked and tried to deal with the situation but ended up making it worse. I’m quite surprised you’re still so angry today you are considering sending him away for a few nights - to me that’s an enormous overreaction and I feel really sorry for your so . He’s 10, he’s not an adult and it sounds like a scary situation.

While he needs to be aware that actions have consequences you sobbing and feeling like you’re not forgiving him anytime soon is a HIGE reaction from you and one he is not responsible for - As the adult YOU are and it sounds like you’ve lost emotional control here.

Try and take a deep breath and remember none of this was on purpose and stop acting like it’s the end of the world. The owner is being nice and it will be sorted one way or the other. Your son sounding ‘unbothered’ sounds to me like he is now giving the mature reaction - he’s sorry it happened but it was an accident, and you’re having the emotional meltdown. Take control of yourself and don’t let this get bigger than it is, you are the parent here.

Lack of life experience makes kids do very daft things. Try to give him opportunity to help fix this.

He's 10. He wasn't being malicious.

So sorry this happened, sounds like a very difficult situation and I can see why you're so upset. Personally I'm not one for random punishments that are unrelated to the thing the child did e.g. taking screens away (unless this is relevant to what he did). I'd be looking less to punish and more to problem solve how he can make it better. Is there a way he can save up at least part of the money that it's cost you, e.g. by giving up his pocket money for a period of time, or giving you any savings that he has? That's more of a logical consequence which means it will have a longer lasting impact on him than sending him away or taking his screens.

only an idea you could try making him do chores in order to earn the money to make up for the repayment of the damage he did? I think its natural that children don't understand the concept of money, not sure anyone does before we start earning it. hope everything is resolved and sorry to hear all your xmas savings will be lost on this

If it's a professional holiday let set up they should be covered for accidental guest damage.

The problem is how the insurer defines "accidental". Fingers crossed for you.

I think it sounds like he lost his temper in the bathroom, you don't keep shoving a door to breaking point otherwise. Unless it was very fragile/on its last legs? Is that a possibility? I broke a window in a hotel once by literally touching it (I was pointing to something out of the window and it fell out the instant my finger made contact, bloody scary!).

And if he knows about not leaving things on top of the burner - which I get, you grow up with them you KNOW not to touch them or put anything on them - do you think that was him being in a bad temper as well?

Or was it panic?

You know your boy. I'm wondering whether you're SO angry because you know it was a loss of temper thing (pretty sure anger runs in families!), or if you know in your heart it was all panic/accident but just can't calm yourself down?

"So he broke the shower door because he didn’t realise it was a sliding door rather than a hinge."
But the OP said "he’d slid the door open to turn the shower on", so he did know it was a sliding door.

It sounds like he was in a complete panic. And because he was panicking, he wasn't thinking straight.