I don’t know how to get past how angry I am with ds

[MumOfFury]

He’s 10 and yesterday did something outrageously stupid which is likely to cost me several hundred pounds (all the savings I have for Christmas) and was also incredibly dangerous, could have killed him and his brother and could have cost thousands and thousands to fix. The owner of the damaged item is trying to get quotes to get it repaired today and is hoping it may be at least partly covered by insurance.

I am so, so angry with him though and I can’t see that fading anytime soon. He’s sorry that I’m cross with him but keeps trying to justify what he did and doesn’t seem to particularly think he did anything wrong because it was an accident (it was stupidity and he could hear me shouting to him to stop before I managed to get to him to physically stop him).

I don’t know what to do. I’ve take. His screens away but he’s perfectly happy sat in his room reading books. I’m tempted to send him to stay with my mum for a few days. He wouldn’t consider it a punishment but I’m so angry with him I’m frightened I’m going to say something awful to him.

Please be gentle on me. I’m sobbing writing this I don’t know what I’ve done wrong to end up with a kid who genuinely sees nothing wrong with this type of behaviour and seems to have no concern about the huge cutbacks we’ll have to make if I need to pay for the damage he’s caused.

But obviously the panic of the cold water made him just want to get out.

I mean if he was thinking straight, he wouldn't have bashed the door down when he knew it was a sliding door

The owner will have insurance and should claim on that.

Probably also worth checking your own travel insurance.

I’m baffled that someone has a wood burner going in August.
Where are you?
Siberia?

He would have panicked and once you start that it is a slippery slope and difficult to get out of. Everything he did seems to stem from the fact that he lost control and panicked

Oh l was full sure he had driven your car into someone else's so the real story is not as bad. It's the financial pressure that's making it seem worse but hopefully that won't be too bad.
I have to admit l feel a bit sorry for him as nothing seemed to go right.

Sounds like something my kid would do, just one bad decision after another. But it's not malicious or naughty damage, just a lack of common sense. He needs to understand why each decision was bad and what he should have done instead. But not punishment beyond that. We have a no locking the bathroom door rule because of kids doing stupid things like this (one of our kids nearly knocked themselves out on a toilet by swinging off the bathroom fixtures on the opposite wall and being sent flying when they managed to pull it off the wall). I think the fright and the money aspect have understandably upset you, hopefully the insurance will cover it all.

Punishment should be based on the actions not their consequences.
To get this in perspective, how angry would you be if he had bashed at the door but it had been stronger and not broken? If the dressing gown had not caught fire? Try and separate the cost to you from the behaviour.
I also think in the panic of the moment, he can be forgiven for interpreting your instruction to put the dressing gown to dry as to put it on the airer, which is after all, the logical place.
Practically, I would be explaining to him that the costs you needed to pay were going to affect how much money you had for treats and for Christmas as you now need to cut back; and explaining what he should have done differently to have avoided this.
If you really can't hide your feelings then yes, take a break from him. But whatever you do, don't link it to this. He shouldn't feel it was bad enough to be sent away for.

Some of these posts are confusing.

I think we can all agree that he didn't do these things on purpose. But that doesn't matter, really, does it? He has damaged more than one thing and that was his fault even if they were accidents. Maybe it's just a difference in personality but wouldn't most people - including children, because I'm thinking of myself and my own children - be upset to know they had broken something? And that their mother was upset about it? After all, if he accidentally broke one of his own possessions I'm sure he'd be upset?

I don't think that @MumOfFury is wrong to be angry either. It's a valid emotion for a situation she has had no control over (sorry PP I don't agree that mum should have 'put away' the dressing gown just in case her son hung it over a wood burner ) that she now has to pay for a sort out. A situation which has arisen through carelessness and thoughtlessness even if it's not outright malice.

I don't think it would be a bad thing to get him out of the house for a day or so. It'll give you space to formulate a plan - and I do think you should have one. Maybe something like, you can't afford dishwasher tablets so he'll have to do the dishes until the debt is paid. Or you can't pay for an extracurricular activity for him. Or both. He needs to understand that accidents still have an impact on people and their possessions and saying sorry isn't a get out clause.

He didn't put the dressing gown on the airer, he put it directly onto the wood burner I think. Hence the burning. I am sure he didn't know it would catch fire but he would have known he wasn't allowed to put things on it as they have one at home.

If my child had caused hundreds and pounds of damage to something and wasn’t at all remorseful then that money would come out if their savings account. No way would I just be paying for that alone.

Which just goes to show what a total blind panic he was in. He knows you don't put things on the wood burner but he did it anyway.

It's either than he lurched from blind panic to blind panic or deliberately ripped the door off, ruined the expensive dressing gown and tried to burn the place down on purpose.

Unless he has form for that sort of thing, the former is much more likely than the latter.

It's like that segment in Holiday on the Buses when the kid (Adam?) blows up the toilet.

I’m so sorry you’re feeling stressed and can understand why you’re so worried about the potential financial implications, but you’re wrong to be so furious with him.

You said yourself you didn’t bother to read the T&C when making the booking, which hardly anyone ever does. No-one expects disasters to occur but that’s why the owners have insurance cover.

He’s a 10yr old kid who made an error of judgement and compounded the error when trying to put things right. It clearly wasn’t done with any malice. I’ve seen plenty of adults shoving doors hard that open the other way, even when they’ve got clear signs on them, so you can understand why he might have panicked and continue to push at it.

Even if the site owners do ask for a contribution, it’s completely negotiable and you can offer to pay in instalments.

My nephew decided to take his granddads mini for a drive when he was about 8 and crashed it into a ditch. Luckily, he was ok and so was the car. He now rides like a lunatic on fast motorbikes so maybe your son will grow up to be a firefighter? 😂

I understand you must have that gutted feeling in the pit of your stomach OP, but he won't understand - and whilst you can try to explain it to him, it still won't have much effect. I know it wouldn't have on me when I was 10. You can't make your brain comprehend something. The financial implications are beyond him, and children don't necessarily have any common sense or logic or empathy for that matter. Some adults either. Like my DH. I can shout 'stop' multiple times at him but it will still not register.

Why on earth are you so cross? He's a child who made a clumsy error. Absolutely no need to be punishing him for gods sake!

I was expecting something much nor deliberately stupid.

Those all look like honest mistakes a 10yr old could do in an unfamiliar place like glamping. Being drenched with cold water and the door being stuck would panic many people. Then when there’s water everywhere, it’s only natural to grab the closest thing made of Terry towel. And then thinking you could dry something directly on a wood burner- I’ve known adults to make this mistake!

All of that. His attempts to make things right were honest but turned out to make things worse.
I understand your own panic about the money, but seriously, this wasn't stupidly cavalier behaviour on his part.

He's a kid, kids do stupid stuff. There was no malice involved. The company will have insurance. If anyone's to blame it's the adult supervising the 10 year old child.

10 is very young and boys can be reckless - this is having children I’m afraid. I think you’re over reacting a bit. Punishments that shame and humiliate don’t really work. Pushing home what could have happened and getting him to write an apology are good.If he’s prone to stuff like this work out a plan together how to manage it with small goals and rewards. Don’t punish and shame it’s so destructive.

He’s 10, he panicked and they will or should be insured. It’s not the end of the world. Be very mindful that your anger which seems somewhat of an over reaction, will stay with that very young child for a very long time. So be careful.

I don’t understand people saying he panicked. The shower was only cold, you don’t panic from a cold shower.
If you can instantly get out of the cold water raining down on you, no you wouldn’t panic. But if you go to open the shower door and it wont open, many people would panic as claustrophobia would set in.

And NONE of it was done with malice- you need to pull yourself together I’m afraid.

It's either than he lurched from blind panic to blind panic or deliberately ripped the door off, ruined the expensive dressing gown and tried to burn the place down on purpose.

Or that he couldn't get the door to shift, got cross with it, shoved it til it broke, tried to clear up the mess and then bunged the dressing gown on top of the burner - all while cross but without (obviously) a deliberate attempt to hurt anyone.

I'm guessing he then left because otherwise he'd have been there to notice the smoke.

I sort of feel that if he's not sorry now, he wasn't panicking at the time. But that may be unfair.

Why are so many people attributing his actions to 'panic'? Sometimes kids do stupid things (adults too) because they are just not thinking. It's not panic. It's thoughtlessness.

He's ten which is a child - but he's still ten. And mum's reaction and OP makes me think that he is regularly thoughtless.

When I have been this angry with my child, it is usually because I have felt so frightened for their safety, and that I couldn't control a situation that I thought I should be able to control. Like stopping them running out into the road leaves you shaky and furious and it is worse because you are so scared and feel like you should have been on it. (Not saying you could/should have done anything differently.)

This is all compounded by him not taking responsibility because there's no 'repair' from him. This would be absolutely and disproportionately enraging for me because it would be triggering past experience of men / boys not apologising - not sure if this is the case for you.

I would try to calm yourself down and have a good cry and before you try to deal with consequences for him. You need to get over it a bit before you decide a strategy I think. And then if you have a partner make sure you get them involved as it might be too much for you alone.

So many parents of ten year old children on this thread wouldn't understand that your actions here today have meant that we won't be able to to X?