I don’t know how to get past how angry I am with ds

[MumOfFury]

He’s 10 and yesterday did something outrageously stupid which is likely to cost me several hundred pounds (all the savings I have for Christmas) and was also incredibly dangerous, could have killed him and his brother and could have cost thousands and thousands to fix. The owner of the damaged item is trying to get quotes to get it repaired today and is hoping it may be at least partly covered by insurance.

I am so, so angry with him though and I can’t see that fading anytime soon. He’s sorry that I’m cross with him but keeps trying to justify what he did and doesn’t seem to particularly think he did anything wrong because it was an accident (it was stupidity and he could hear me shouting to him to stop before I managed to get to him to physically stop him).

I don’t know what to do. I’ve take. His screens away but he’s perfectly happy sat in his room reading books. I’m tempted to send him to stay with my mum for a few days. He wouldn’t consider it a punishment but I’m so angry with him I’m frightened I’m going to say something awful to him.

Please be gentle on me. I’m sobbing writing this I don’t know what I’ve done wrong to end up with a kid who genuinely sees nothing wrong with this type of behaviour and seems to have no concern about the huge cutbacks we’ll have to make if I need to pay for the damage he’s caused.

Agree 100% with @5YearsLeft.

I'd also be looking to return anything you've bought him recently that is still returnable. I'd explain to him that Christmas will be pared back and the impact will mainly be felt by you and his sibling/s which is very unfair. It's a shame his dad will buy him anything he wants/needs as if he was onboard then it would have a bigger impact.

Can your ex husband contribute any of the costs because after all it was his son doing the damage?

I am not sure about people saying a ten year old not appreciating the seriousness of what he did. At 10, I would have been in so much trouble if I did this. I would have appreciated the money problem too. I think my mother would have cried too about the money. I mean I grew up poor and if I broke things I mightn't get another. I remember crying as an eight year old when I'd tripped and skinned my knees. I wasn't crying about the knees but about the darned woolly tights I'd now have to wear to school because there wouldn't be a new pair bought. My parents weren't mean but money was tight.

These things weren't accidents. I mean your son broke that door because he chose to. And words fail me about putting that dressing gown on top of the woodburner. Was he in a temper after being told off about the door and did it deliberately? I presume he's not immensely stupid.

I have a mild form of ADHD, I have an ADHD child and it runs in my family. None of us have ever done anything like this. My son has been relentlessly taught rules to follow and we kept a far closer eye on him than our other child eg when getting out of a taxi scan the seat to make sure nothing is left behind, try to carry only one bag as you are more likely to forget an extra one, never put your wallet down - it stays in your hands or your bag at all times, have a set place for things, have a spare key etc. If he makes a mistake he feels bad. He has his licence now but my husband is spending extra time as a passenger to make sure he gets used to the roads and encourages him to follow certain routes rather than others ie the supermarket that is a straight drive to rather than the nearer supermarket that is closer but is reached by narrow twisty roads where you might have to inch your car between parked cars. Transport routes and buses are carefully planned for him to follow. My husband keeps an eye on his academic progress and checks he has done assignments and so on. We will be making a big push shortly to get him more responsible for himself.

I hold down a very responsible professional job and I have learnt techniques to help me do some of the things I find difficult. In fact, I am seen as very conscientious and organised. If I miss a filing date, bleating it was an accident is not going to make things any better.

Breaking the shower door wasnt an accident, he kicked and punched it on purpose.

Exactly, and also broke the rails. All this in spite of OP on the other side of the door yelling at him to stop. A 10 year old should know that kicking and punching a door is not the way to shut it.

That was my thought too, it doesn't sound like a good setup for children, bearing in mind the 10yo has a younger sibling too.

Bear in mind, the younger sibling wasn't the one that destroyed the place around them.

I think OP there's more to this. You've said you're tired, over it. I'd be furious too, because you're tired, they could both have been seriously hurt, you're embarrassed and you've had enough. Send him to your mum's place. In fact send both. But first take a breath, explain calmly what he did wrong, explain there are consequences, implement them eg a sorry card as someone suggested is such a good idea as a start, tell them you were scared, that you love them more than anything, and pack them off for a few days. Be easier on yourself and work out why you're so angry and if anything else is going on and take steps to deal with it. Maybe you just need a lie in, or a glass of wine and a good movie. Maybe you need more. Good luck x

I actually cant believe how many people are telling the OP she is overreacting or somehow being unreasonable.

FFS, not only is he going to wipe out her savings, but the holiday owner will have to use insurance which will mean their premiums will now go up, plus the nightmare of sorting out the holiday makers after them and having to fix the damage. But, HE COULD HAVE SET FIRE TO THE YURT!! I mean for godsake, if you cant shout at your kids when they do something so stupid the worst case potential outcome is death then when bloody can you!

I would have hit the roof. My 11yo did something really bad at school (really bad) because he just didnt think and for the first day I couldnt bare to look at him because I am a human being and was devastated.

Children need to see emotions from their parents, whether that is love or anger it's important they understand their parents are human and fallible too and consequences of their behaviour.

Hope you are feeling a bit calmer this morning OP. I'd have been furious too.

I'd go with letter of apology to the owner from him and once you know what he owes for the damage ask him how it should be paid... if you pay it for him then you can't buy Christmas presents for him and his DB, is there a solution he can think of? Maybe he will suggest selling some of his stuff himself.

Please please please whatever you do don't let him think this has spoiled Christmas OP. If you have to have a scaled down Christmas then sobeit but try not to give him any indication that he's ruined Christmas. That's is the kindof thing he might well end up explaining to a therapist in a few years. By all means make him do chores and sell existing items to make the cost up but Christmas and birthdays are out of bounds IMHO. They're so precious to kids. You have plenty of time to sort Christmas out and if worst happens and you can't afford many gifts he'll remember the good times not how much was spent so don't panic but keep Christmas sacred xx

It depends on the 10 year old though, doesn't it? @scarletisjustred's post above is helpful in detailing the kind of things you need to do to successfully parent a child with poor executive function. Very very few children want to destroy things and upset people. But some are attended by a trail of destruction if not carefully watched and managed. Who knows, a quick investigation into the ex's past might reveal similar...

FFS, not only is he going to wipe out her savings, but the holiday owner will have to use insurance which will mean their premiums will now go up, plus the nightmare of sorting out the holiday makers after them and having to fix the damage.

So you’re saying that OP should be punished more by the owner?

The owner would have every right to considering it’s her business and OP who has parental responsibility allowed a child to be unsupervised - but the owner is being kind to OP and her son as she understands that it was not done intentionally.

OP (and a few posters) need to learn from the owner.
Stay calm, say it’s ok as it’s a mistake and we’ll fix it.
Not getting angry and punishing him for things that haven’t even happened yet.

That’s not saying he should have no responsibility.
The letter of apology is a great idea and I’d ask the owner if there are any odd jobs that he can do around the site.
But then it’s done.

No child (or adult) should ever feel they ruined Christmas or someone else’s holiday.

And no child should ever be punished just because their parents are on a low income -
many posters keep harping on about OP apparently not having much money so he needs to be punished or not have his Christmas presents, like if she was rich the child wouldn’t need to be punished as much, which is an awful lesson to teach someone.

It wasn't an accident though was it. He lives with a log burner at home, so he understands what it is.

I think the eye rolling and refusing to accept responsibility is a way for him to not feel so bad. I suspect he knows really that he's been a complete idiot, and feels sick about how much damage he's done, but just can't face up to it. Apologising will mean acknowledging the reality.

Exactly this. I don't understand why people are focusing on if he's scared (he doesn't sound scared to me) if he panicked etc. He isn't sorry, he isn't apologising. I think we can forgive our kids pretty much anything if they admit what they've done and apologise. Rolling your eyes and telling your mother it was just an accident does not sound like a child who is in any way scared or remorseful and he should be.

As for all the posters saying that you will laugh about it in years to come, no you probably won't. There is nothing remotely funny. Although you will forgive him, you will remember this event with toe curling embarrassment. You certainly won't want to be reminded of it at every family gathering.

I think if the OP had gone to the owner rolled her eyes and said it was just an accident the owner would be justifiably furious. As it was the OP was clearly upset, mortified and explained what happened. Makes a big difference.

I think the OP is very, very upset, and her son sees this and it is affecting her sons reaction to events, She said that he was trying to justify his actions? But maybe he was just trying to explain his actions? And I think a lot of 10 year olds would feel intimidated about apologising to the owner, it doesn't mean he isn't sorry. The OP said he was sorry that she was cross. What does that mean exactly? I would be concerned about his reaction to events. You can be angry with someone and still care about them, especially given some time to calm down. It is very black and white thinking from the OP. Which by its very nature causes difficulties. I think people are latching on to irrational thinking, and thinking it is rational. When it is not.

@Violinist64 at the moment I certainly can’t see a point at which I’ll find it funny. I got a tattoo at 13 which my dad spotted within days of me getting it done. I had to give up all my birthday and Christmas presents to afford the cost of it being lasered off. I tried to bring it up about 20 years later as a funny anecdote and he was still furious about it 😬

Oh Lord, your fury is entirely justified. He destroyed someone else's possessions. There's no excuse for bashing in the shower door - a 10 year old definitely has the brain development to know that is wrong and dangerous.

I'm really sorry you are in such a nasty situation. Will your mother talk to him and get him to understand how serious this is?

I think if the OP had gone to the owner rolled her eyes and said it was just an accident the owner would be justifiably furious. As it was the OP was clearly upset, mortified and explained what happened. Makes a big difference.

If the owner was really angry towards OP asking how this happened when she should be keeping an eye on him and that she knows not to leave a child unattended around the log burner (I’m sure there are many signs about this too) then OP is of course going to get defensive and potentially annoyed or angry at the owner because it wasn’t done intentionally.

OPs punishment as the guardian is paying back the money owed - not being shouted at or being removed from the site asap.

The child should also get a punishment but it has to fit the crime - a mistake should require a punishment that’s going to last months.

What’s funny is that on another thread a much older female DD has done something on purpose and her punishments are nothing like what posters have suggested for this much younger child who did something unintentionally.

The only difference is the sex of the child.

I don't know the other thread but for me it would make a huge difference if he was sorry. He should be sorry, he should feel bad that he has caused a problem for his mother. When he apologises properly then his mother should forgive him and they can work out a way forward.

Surely
a mistake should NOT require a punishment that’s going to last months.

He didnt plan it
He didnt sit and decide to upset everyone

It can last months if he is not sorry.

I fully understand why the OP is furious.

Just a recap for the reading comprehension challenged:

He was NOT trapped inside a shower cubicle with cold water raining down on him. He was OUTSIDE the cubicle trying to close a sliding door by bashing it in - despite his mother yelling for him to stop. He was aware the rails were bending/door breaking. He was aware it was a SLIDING door on rails because he had already used it. He grabbed an expensive dressing gown to clean up the water and then he put the dressing gown on the hot wood stove and set it on fire - even though he has a log burner at home and knew better.

It was NOT an accident. Considerable damage has been done.

To top it all off he is showing no remorse or empathy towards his mother. He is not sorry.

Op, I'm sorry you went through this. You need to try to delve into why he lost his temper and has no remorse or empathy for you. Seek professional help for him. He'll grow up to be a horrible adult if he's not sorted out soon.

The same people here telling you he's just a wee boy and it was an accident, will one day tell his wife or girlfriend to LTB.

This situation isn't really comparable to getting a tattoo at 13 though, is it?

Op
What's he like generally? Does he lack common sense ?

For context - and I'm not saying this is your ds but my lad has Aspergers. It always baffled me how he was soooo intelligent but lacked the sense he was born with !

We had many incidents like this .
Once at a holiday rental he walked straight into a closed patio door .

Same holiday he had a large glass in his hand and a wasp flew into his drink - instead of just putting it down or throwing the drink he threw the whole glass .

Another time he didn't put the lid back on a ketchup bottle so when I shook it I got covered in tomato sauce , it was all over the ceiling.
I stood dripping sauce off my nose and cried .

These little things can add up and cause real frustration.

I'm sure I could write a book with the catalogue of disasters than befell him . And me . He once wrote a computer program that topped his pay as you go mobile phone up when it got to 50 p or less - out of MY account! £300 later I realised .

I did make him sell some of his PlayStation games to pay that back (or at least some of it )

But he's 30 now . And none of it matters anymore . He's a kind, sweet soul . He's funny and loving . Incredibly capable in some ways and not in others . It's just him . That common sense out of his brain just doesn't always work . And he's had his share of disasters as an adult because of it too but he finally appears to be learning! He lives abroad - a long way off - and he's long since learned that if he phoned me going "muuuuum!" There is little I can do from the other side of the world !

My point op - is that sometimes our kids dont react the way we'd expect or as a rational adult would .
It's what insurance is for .
He's probably feeling the consequences but quite possibly unsure how to react to this .

When you are calm , and less cross about it all , have a rational conversation about it . Ask him what he thinks he might be able to do to try and contribute to the damage done . If he shrugs - tell him what he's going to do to make amends . I would probably get him to contribute something financially, sell some games or go without expensive trainers or whatever . Well-when you do something daft that Costs to fix - you have to help by x y z .

But then - let it go . He's probably also wondering wtf he did that for . He won't even know why he did what he did . He's tried in the heat of that moment to fix it and made it all 10 times worse .
He will be feeling shit . In his 10 year old way I'm sure . Kids do t want their mums to be so angry they look at them . Or speak to them . He will be feeling this .

. You have my sympathies op but find a way to let it go - it's done now and it's now a case of damage limitation. X