I don’t know how to get past how angry I am with ds

[MumOfFury]

He’s 10 and yesterday did something outrageously stupid which is likely to cost me several hundred pounds (all the savings I have for Christmas) and was also incredibly dangerous, could have killed him and his brother and could have cost thousands and thousands to fix. The owner of the damaged item is trying to get quotes to get it repaired today and is hoping it may be at least partly covered by insurance.

I am so, so angry with him though and I can’t see that fading anytime soon. He’s sorry that I’m cross with him but keeps trying to justify what he did and doesn’t seem to particularly think he did anything wrong because it was an accident (it was stupidity and he could hear me shouting to him to stop before I managed to get to him to physically stop him).

I don’t know what to do. I’ve take. His screens away but he’s perfectly happy sat in his room reading books. I’m tempted to send him to stay with my mum for a few days. He wouldn’t consider it a punishment but I’m so angry with him I’m frightened I’m going to say something awful to him.

Please be gentle on me. I’m sobbing writing this I don’t know what I’ve done wrong to end up with a kid who genuinely sees nothing wrong with this type of behaviour and seems to have no concern about the huge cutbacks we’ll have to make if I need to pay for the damage he’s caused.

It's not just what he's done it's the financial implications . OP has saved money for Xmas and that and probably more has now gone . Money doesn't grow on trees sadly

you will get past this.
DC1 did A Bad and Stupid Thing aged 11. I was livid. I shouted and then I could barely speak to her beyond pleasantries for a couple of days I was so cross (not deliberately freezing her out, just on the verge of another shouting fit). We got over it and gradually re-established trust and boundaries. I eventually got some perspective .

I don't think you are quite joining the dots properly. At the moment, because of his brain development and lack of life experience, he doesn't see the big deal.
All he did was (blah blah blah).
He didn't mean to ....
But we weren't hurt....

All that makes perfect sense to him, and he doesn't know why you are so emotional about it.

Take a breath, get through the next day or two and work out exactly what the damage is. Then sit him down calmly and explain that:

1. this is what happened. It will cost x to put right. That's three trips to the cinema/all our food for two months/enough to take us on holiday/ a year's subscription to netflicks. Something he cares about and understands the value of.

2: people die when they do what he did. Ok, this time no one did, but you would have been left with no children/never slept again. He could have had to live the rest of his life knowing his brother died. You'd have to live forever knowing you'd failed to keep your kids safe etc.

1. You're afraid to let him out, while he shows such poor judgement.

He needs you to teach him why what happened matters. It's not about punishing him, it's about helping him grow up and make better choices.

I think it does matter what he did, only because possible outcomes are always as obvious to children. 2 examples from my family, kid A took toddler mattress from bed and used it to sled down the stairs. Parents weren’t that precious about house and belongings so wasn’t a huge leap but because of the layout and the kids involved was very dangerous and could have resulted in death. Kid B used animal shears (found in outbuilding) on curtains and allowed small child a turn, expensive and dangerous outcome very very obvious because child brought up on a farm and aware of dangers.

I know that fear/anger balance after seeing my kids run in front of a car after a ball.

I think under the circumstances, suggesting that he goes and stays with your mum for a few days is a good idea . Not in terms of sending him away as a punishment (which IMO is wrong) but to give you a bit of space to calm down until you can sit down and have a rational conversation with him .

He's 10. His brain hasn't fully developed yet. Consequences don't mean too much to him at this age.

All you can do is be honest, tell him what he did has not only frightened you and made you very angry but that it is financially going to make things very difficult and then you punish by removing anything of value like games consoles, laptops and phone and you make him earn those back.

I'd also make him write an apology letter to the person he wronged. Part of growing up is owning up to the things we do wrong and making amends.

Very good advice above from @picklemewalnuts.

He damaged an item at a place we were staying - he thought the door was on a hinge, it was on a rail so didn’t open when he pushed it. He bashed it until it fell off the rail, breaking the door and the rails (both of which were bespoke) in the process. He tried to clean up mess with the very expensive dressing gown the place had provided and which is told him to be very careful with if he insisted on wearing it.

I told him to hang it up to dry while I attempted to fix the door. He saw the clothes horse in front of the wood burner had some clothes on already so he put the dressing gown on top of the lit wood burner. We have a wood burner at home and he knows very well to never ever touch it or get too close to it. By the time I came into the room it was full of smoke and the dressing gown had a burn hole going right through it. If it hadn’t been so wet it would’ve absolutely caught fire.

Waiting to hear back from the owners about smoke damage, the cost to repair the door and rails and how much of it (if any) is covered by their insurance.

Oh Gosh, @MumOfFury , that's really really bad luck! A catalogue of disasters.

In fact it's worthy of a Frank Spencer sketch. There's a reason why people write comedies like that.

One day. In the far far future. You will laugh. You will invite his girlfriend or boyfriend to dinner and say, 'don't let him borrow your dressing gown!'.

Bloody hell, he doesn’t do things by halves your lad, does he?

I would expect insurance to cover and for them to take your deposit. Your ds didn’t do this damage on purpose, me made decisions he thought were right but he’s 10 and has bad judgement right now. Concept of money is also tricky - my dtds are 10 and they’re starting to grasp money but even still it wouldn’t occur to them money runs out.

I hadn’t paid a deposit, we were glamping and just paid per night.

Is it booked through a company or a friend?

Company I would assume are insured

I must admit I was expecting something worse. It sounds like he didn’t have bad intentions just wasn’t really using much common sense. What a nightmare though, just one disaster after another!

It's an insurance claim
he wasn't being an arsonist, he made a 10 yr old type mistake.
Poor boy, please stop being so angry.

That just sounds like really bad luck. How would he know the door wasn’t just a bit stuck?
I wouldn’t punish this at all.

It’s careless but I was expecting worse.

I don’t know about yourself op, but when I’ve been frightened by something dangerous the kids have done it sometimes comes out as anger. They say anger is just fear that’s been misplaced. If it was me, I’d be angry too, but I’d know it was actually because I was terrified of what COULD have happened. It’s something I’m trying to have better control over. Just wondering if it could be the same for you? It’s misplaced anger and actually, you’ve just been really spooked and those feelings of fear are sitting very heavily at the moment. I’d sit him down and really explain why you’re so upset, how much you love him etc, and then try and let it go, accept that you’ve been worried senseless and you’re put out at the added expense. Just a thought.

It was booked directly through the campsite website. I’d ticked the terms and conditions without actually reading them. Having read them last night they state that I am liable for damages and loss that isn’t reported within 12 hours of check in, excluding general wear and tear. It looks like a very standard terms and conditions. The owner was absolutely lovely about it and I’m sure will do everything to claim on insurance if she can. I imagine at the very least there will be an excess charge though. The dressing gowns had a note saying that if you wanted to buy them you could for £75 or you would be charged that if they were missing on check out (I’m guessing in an attempt to dissuade people from nicking them).

Just read your update. He made some mistakes but was trying to do the right thing. I would talk to him about how to avoid the same thing happening in future but that's all.

Have you actually offered to pay? TBH I wouldn't necessarily assume you have to- it should be covered by insurance. Accidental damage like this is part of the cost of running a business.

@SheWoreYellow he’d slid the door open to turn the shower on, realised the shower was cold so wanted to give it a few minutes to warm up but it was spraying all over the bathroom. That’s when he decided to start bashing it. I was right outside yelling at him to stop but he’d locked the door so I couldn’t get in to stop him.

He made a mistake, and then has made a couple more mistakes… But that's what they were: mistakes. I reckon he made the decisions he made because of his age. I think punishments should be reserved for when things are done deliberately. I understand that you are upset about the damage and the money it will cost, but please don't be too angry with him. He tried to rectify it, and I'm sure he was distressed thinking about the mess he had made.

It wasn't deliberate, he probably panicked and that's what caused the second disaster. I don't know, it's not really his responsibility that it was expensive. Anyway, I hope you soon recover and don't have to pay much.

He probably couldn't hear you yelling because of the shower running. Once my 11-year-old is in the shower he always locks the door, and I can be yelling my head off outside and he can't hear a thing.

I would be extremely annoyed about the door thing, you do not just bash down a door if you can’t open it, he must know that! That part doesn’t sound like an accident to me.

The rest does sound like a genuine accident although it must have been scary. The holiday cottage owner should have insurance in which case I would offer to pay the excess unfortunately.