I’ve had to let my 16 year old go

[Iusedtobedontcall]

I’m feel heartbroken. Dd, 16, has gone to stay at her dad’s and I don’t want her back. She’s been verbally abusive and manipulative for years - calling the police; running off as a way of getting her own way; defiance; breaking things in her room; refusing to go to school/work etc etc. She does have an ASD diagnosis and I have supported her for years now. I think I kept hoping the abuse would stop and it didn’t. I can’t cope anymore, so I’ve asked her dad to step in. She doesn’t have her own room there and his house isn’t in a nice area. But she doesn’t abuse him like she does me and I’ve other children to think of.

I posted about the full situation here
www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4610833-to-let-dd-walk-off
and received lots of support. But why do I feel so guilty? It doesn’t help that she’s blocked me, so I haven’t been able to speak to her. I’m in touch with her dad of course. Just so sad - I really want the best for her but I can’t do it anymore.

Sorry the title should say GO!

You must feel a great sense of relief in amongst all your other feelings. You've had such a tough time with her. It'll be interesting to see how it goes with her dad long-term. Hopefully it will be good for her.

Just read your other thread

this girl has very very serious mental health difficulties op.

Very little you can do.

i suspect the best thing would be for her to be sent to prison. They would be forced in to a structure and educated too. I suspect this will be the case in not too distant future

I don’t think she will get sent to prison.

I read your other thread. think you’ve done everything you can possibly try and now you deserve a bloody rest and some TLC.

What do you have planned that’s nice for you?

I think it would be the best thing for her

op - read your last thread again. It makes for genuinely very disturbing reading

Don't feel guilty, you have done your absolute best and I would have cracked a long, long time ago xx

She’s not violent. She abuses me as a way of control but it’s not usually directed at others. She tends to spend all day in one room most of the time so I really don’t think she will go to prison. I don’t need to read my thread again. I’ve lived it.

Off to meet a friend for a coffee now which will be nice.

Yes to PP about looking after yourself for a wee bit, you know no one could have tried harder with her and her dad will do his best, a break from each other will do you good.

can you do something with your younger kids/see your friends/go for a swim (in fact all of these). I guess it’s natural to feel guilty but you know rationally you have no need to.

Absolutely not!!

I posted an AMA two weeks ago if you fancy a read (www.mumsnet.com/talk/AMA/4602504-ive-served-a-prison-sentence) but there is next to no mental health support in prisons. She's so young too she would be traumatised.

OP you can only do your best. Your important too. It won't always be like this. Sending lots of love x

I remember your thread @NCforAMA - it was excellent. Absolutely agree. I don’t think it’s a foregone conclusion she would end up there - she’s manipulative and coercive but she would be traumatised and it would be awful. Not something I want for her, she’s still be daughter and I love her.

It's a very sad situation but I think you have done the only thing you could. She is safe, she is with her dad, you can recover and recuperate. I would just keep in touch via her dad. Don't push communication directly with her. Try to distance yourself a bit for your own good. My heart goes out to you. It is so difficult to live with someone (esp a child who you love unconditionally) with MH issues. Try and get yourself some therapy to find the strength to go on fighting battles for her. But for now, enjoy the peace and lack of drama.

You have done everything you possibly can, it is time to prioritise yourself and your other daughter now. What I would say is don’t give into her manipulation when she decides she has had enough at dad’s and wants to come back. You need to stick to your guns, sometimes sadly there is just nothing further you can do.

You've done the right thing.

I have a teen boy with asd and when his MH was at its worth it was so hard supporting him whilst I was ground down.

When she's got through her personal demons you can build on the relationship through shirt contact where you aren't the one putting in the boundaries and your other children will also remember what you did to protect them.

No need to feel guilt. It's awful that parents are made to feel guilt when they are the victims of abuse and the perpetrator in their own child.

Abuse is abuse whoever is doing it.

Take care of yourself and build yourself up to strength again

I am aware of that.

this girl needs structure and discipline.

The link is broken unfortunately

I'm not sure this can be pinned on asd. Sounds like a trauma response coupled with sociopathy or even psychopathy. She always had a need to control and hitting puberty made it all come out. Sounds like this was always just part of her.

You are right to let her go. I am so sorry

You did everything you could. This isn't the end, it's just a change in her journey. She's safe at her dad's, the space between you both will do you both some good. She'll come around, when she's ready. Concentrate on yourself and other children, find a hobby and friends to fill in your down time, so you're not milling it over.

I’m not sure she has the intelligence or pre meditation to be a sociopath or psychopath and I would be reluctant to label her with a personality disorder which the clinical professionals around here have not diagnosed. Her IQ was 80 when she was assessed and her processing speeds and cognitive skills are poor. She’s manipulative but will lash out without understanding consequences, not with a deliberate desire to hurt others.

PDA as a subset of autism does involve extreme demand avoidance, manipulation and a desire for control that comes from anxiety. That doesn’t change the fact that I can’t currently manage her behaviours and the rest of the family need a break.

My heart goes out to you so very much 💐

Thank you. I’ve been told on my other thread that I’ve given up on her and spoken negatively of her. That’s not what I’ve done. I’ve been factual - this is what she’s done. And I still hope she can do well. I think this might be a turning point that she needs.

Please stop beating yourself up! You have absolutely done the right thing. And who knows - this break may be the turning point for you both.

Hi Op, I'm in a similar position and it's a nightmare I currently feel like disowning my daughter for the latest round of appalling behaviour on holiday involving the local police who returned her to her dad. Her siblings are mortified by her behaviour. Everyone tells me I need to step back but it's so difficult when they are your daughter and you love them.

I have had a look at the other thread too. Nothing in there to suggest she is a candidate for prison.

I also had to send my daughter away at 16 after a year or so of mayhem and chaos. I am not going to suggest it was easy, it was a dark time for all of us, but

We are now out the other side. I used the time when she was gone to recover and to work on myself. I did one to one therapy and a group thing for abuse survivors which was basically about finding your voice, being assertive. I did two parenting courses, one for younger children and one for teenagers. Both helped me so much.

Gradually the stress fell away and my confidence grew. My daughter started getting in touch more frequently and asking to hang out. Then she asked to come home which we managed by agreeing on ground rules.

She finished school and found herself a good job.

She has worked through some stuff and is still tackling other things. She is as able to let some of the stuff go when she got used to me being more stable and consistent. She started to trust me more.

I am a much better parent for all we have been through. I learnt to look after myself and that helped me be in better shape for the children. They could let go of some anxiety.

Of course I wish I had already been a great parent and that my daughter had had a much smoother upbringing but here we are.

I suspect your daughter has complex needs, part of her distress will be to do with being a teenager and all the hormones and drama that go with it, some will be to do with her being neurodiverse, and some will be about her home life.

I know you mean well but all those different parenting strategies must have been very confusing for her. And she’ll likely to have strong feelings about the fractured family set up, feelings she may not understand or be able to express.

She has gone now, use the space to get yourself into a better space. Its the best way forward for you and all your children.

It’s perfectly reasonable to feel bereft. Feel the pain and keep going anyway. One day you will wake up and realise life is much better.

The different parenting strategies have been with advice and over an extended period of time. However I have not done things perfectly, of course.

She messaged saying she’s fine to come home but she’s not being made to feel like an outsider in her own home. I told her she’d told a lot of lies and needed to reflect on her behaviour. She replied ‘what lies???’ I have left it there as she can’t come back while she’s pretending to be a victim and in denial.

Even a message from her makes me feel on edge and tense.