I’ve had to let my 16 year old go

[Iusedtobedontcall]

I’m feel heartbroken. Dd, 16, has gone to stay at her dad’s and I don’t want her back. She’s been verbally abusive and manipulative for years - calling the police; running off as a way of getting her own way; defiance; breaking things in her room; refusing to go to school/work etc etc. She does have an ASD diagnosis and I have supported her for years now. I think I kept hoping the abuse would stop and it didn’t. I can’t cope anymore, so I’ve asked her dad to step in. She doesn’t have her own room there and his house isn’t in a nice area. But she doesn’t abuse him like she does me and I’ve other children to think of.

I posted about the full situation here
www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4610833-to-let-dd-walk-off
and received lots of support. But why do I feel so guilty? It doesn’t help that she’s blocked me, so I haven’t been able to speak to her. I’m in touch with her dad of course. Just so sad - I really want the best for her but I can’t do it anymore.

Our dds are so similar. Dd who is 15 hasn't been in touch since we were on holiday and told the police I was abusing her and got them to take her back to her dad's. Dd2 and ds have asked that she never comes away with us again. I agree she won't because no one deserves her behaviour. OP I'm just holding on to the hope that as she gets older she will mature into a young woman who leaves her abusive ways behind her. I suspect my Dd has ASD and adhd but no one is listening to me about it. So she's at her dad's and has been for a year with no improvement and In fact her behaviour has deteriorated. She knows I'm here for her but that I can't help her while she's choosing to be at her dad's for the freedom. Like you, I need to focus on my other dc and myself. It's hell being the parent of an abusive child.

@Alwaystoblame I had Dd assessed for ADHD too - but it turned out it is ASD only. Her rages I think come from her desire to control people and her environment- but I am not equipped to manage her behaviour anymore. It is hell and it breaks your heart because you love them and want the best for them. It’s an abuser you can never truly walk away from.

Her rages come from her anxiety to control her environment because she feels powerless.

I am not surprised she isn’t messaging you, it’s the one thing she can control wrt you at the moment.

I think it’s fine. I also think you would be wise to message her each day, just once, just so she knows you are thinking about her and do care. She will persuade herself you don’t, otherwise.

When her anxiety subsides she will be in touch. OK she may be in touch when her anxiety is high but trust me she is thinking about you. But she is in teenage hell and doesn’t know how to get out.

You really need to stop making such dire predictions. Not true anyway.

My daughter maintained a part time job while causing merry hell at home. Teenagers are brilliant at compartmentalising.

OP your girl is very young. She has family who care very much for her. She has access to education and healthcare and much more. There is every reason to believe she will emerge as a butterfly 🦋

Blame the the dynamic of her living at home, not her.
keep the mantra
”I love you but we were in an unhealthy viscous cycle, where we just weren’t good for each other. Now we are apart we can hopefully start to rebuild our relationship over time. Remember I love you and want the best for you. As much as I miss you and would love to live with you, it’s for the better you still stay at dads. My parenting wasn’t working so I need to give you the chance for a better future at dads, I know that makes us both sad but we were sad together weren’t we. Let’s work on our relationship now my lovely. Let’s see if we can have some good times together, and if you are too angry now, that’s ok because I love you and want to be here for you, however long that takes.”

Just be a consistent, loving presence whatever shit she throws at you.

She’s still very angry. She asked me a question about GCSE results day yesterday. I answered it and then offered to meet her there and sent her a screenshot of where to go if she wanted to go with her dad. She told me to shut up - she had only asked one question and she didn’t want any more contact with me as it was none of my business and she did not want to see me again.
Then she said I was childish for not replying (but she’d told me not to message!) and called me ‘mum’ in inverted commas.
That made me sad - but I ignored. I sent a good luck message to her today and said I wouldn’t contact her because she had said she didn’t want me to, but I was thinking of her and wishing her lots of luck. I’ve asked her dad to let me know how she gets on. I’m not sure what else I can do.

Sounds like she is really trying your boundaries. Wanting to have the upper hand, slag you off etc but still have you contact her and still run after her. You are doing a great job. I would probably message her again tomorrow just to say you're thinking of her with her results but not expect a reply.

The constant push-pull is mentally exhausting. My delightful Dd has said today that it's me that needs psych help not her yet last week she was claiming clinical depression, anxiety and an eating disorder saying she never eats while she sat there eating a big portion of chips and had had a McDonald's not long before and a hotel breakfast of cereal, toast, pancakes, bacon, eggs and hash browns 🙄 Clearly she has no trouble eating.

OP tomorrow is a big day for her and she might want your support but might not. Sometimes I think they don't want to admit they still want and need their mum. I'd send a message like pp suggested. This will be me next year and I'm dreading it.

@Alwaystoblame dd frequently uses food as a way of control - claiming not to have eaten anything when there is evidence of empty wrappers and missing food. It sounds very similar.

I know there’s a lot going on and you are dealing with far more than I ever had to but 95% of yesterdays shitty messages to you are down to pre results anxiety. DD was always a complete bitch in the run up to things like that.

hope today goes well and you find she can actually contact you civilly.

Hope today goes well.

According to her dad she has only just left to go and get her results - so she’s obviously not that bothered.

Her dad isn’t well so she’s getting the train alone. I could have gone with her this morning- I did tell her that, but she wasn’t interested in me going.

I’m taking dd2 to see a show today so on the train now. I’ve sent dd1 £50 as a well done - no matter what the results, but not had a reply yet from her.

Oh fuck - I would just leave her to it.
Stop sending her money as well.

Be prepared that she might want to come home when she decides that she's missing her whipping boy/indentured servant.
I agree that she needs a spell in prison.
That might put manners on her.

Oh fgs stop the prison talk. She hasn’t committed a crime.

She passed 5 GCSES a 4-9! She only took 7. Including a 6 in English!

That’s great news, @Iusedtobedontcall. A nice position for her to be in for her new start. Hope you and DD2 enjoy your afternoon out.

Wtf has been all this prison talk on this thread?

yay congratulations to your DD @Iusedtobedontcall thats a good set of results considering your recent problems and must be a weight of both your minds.

it’s probably for the best if she stays where she is for a while but hopefully now this is over you’ll be able to rebuild relationships a bit. 💐

Will her Dad be able to cope with her ?

Not surprised about English grades having read her texts, plenty of emotive language there

This will be the best possible thing for your relationship. It may never become what you hope it would, maybe even mourn for, but it will help to break this awful cycle of abuse where she has far too much power and is acting out because of her own lack of self-control.
I have a similar daughter and yes I feel for her pain and mental health problems that make her act in this way, yes I would do anything to help, but hell yes am I looking forward to her being able to move out and live life independently...sick of being called a fucking cunt and that my home is a hellhole etc! I am much better at being detached now but it is still a gut wrench every time something miniscule blows up. The eggshells are real...you 100% have my sympathies and understanding.

It’s actually 6 at grade 4 and above. And yes emotive language is her forte!

Well done to her and to you OP, that’s a huge achievement in the face of her challenges.

It is - she passed History at a grade 4 despite never attending a single history lesson. The IQ test which put her IQ at 80 must be skewed by her extremely low processing speeds (she’s in the lowest percentile for processing speed). She clearly does have some ability. It’s a shame she wasn’t able to properly engage at school.

She seems to be getting on ok at her dad’s. Dad asked me to take her to the dentist today as he was unwell but she was quite hostile about that and said she was busy. Her dad then said she had to go and she agreed, but I decided to cancel for two reasons - firstly that I don’t think it’s going to be a positive experience for me or Dd if she’s hostile about it in the first place and secondly it turned out her dad has covid. Dentist were quite happy not to see us given Dd’s contact with her dad recently.

I think it’s going to be a long road ahead but things do feel better now she’s settled at her dad’s.

This is brilliant OP!does she seem a bit brighter?

Really big this up. Maybe you and ex take her out for a surprise slap up dinner? Together - to demonstrate how proud you are.

you have a window of opportunity to galvanise her here, good luck

She was a bit brighter when she was shopping with her money from me and her dad. Strangely, for someone who’s emotionally dysregulated, she does have a limited range of emotions. She doesn’t really express joy or anticipation or anything like that. Not heard from her today. But I’ll take her for lunch next week to celebrate.