I’ve had to let my 16 year old go

[Iusedtobedontcall]

I’m feel heartbroken. Dd, 16, has gone to stay at her dad’s and I don’t want her back. She’s been verbally abusive and manipulative for years - calling the police; running off as a way of getting her own way; defiance; breaking things in her room; refusing to go to school/work etc etc. She does have an ASD diagnosis and I have supported her for years now. I think I kept hoping the abuse would stop and it didn’t. I can’t cope anymore, so I’ve asked her dad to step in. She doesn’t have her own room there and his house isn’t in a nice area. But she doesn’t abuse him like she does me and I’ve other children to think of.

I posted about the full situation here
www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4610833-to-let-dd-walk-off
and received lots of support. But why do I feel so guilty? It doesn’t help that she’s blocked me, so I haven’t been able to speak to her. I’m in touch with her dad of course. Just so sad - I really want the best for her but I can’t do it anymore.

OP I haven't read the full thread but I've read all your posts.

I just want to say, you sound like such a lovely mum. You're still sending her money, telling her you're proud of her. Not cutting her off entirely (when I wouldn't blame you if you did at this point) and you have 2 other children that seem happy.
Just wanted to tell you, you're doing an incredible job. A mothers love is endless, even if it's tainted sometimes.

Thank you @ilovebeigefood. She asked for more money yesterday to take her boyfriend out for his birthday and is ignoring my messages because I said no.

I am proud of her GCSE results. She’s not got a set of stellar grades like dd2 will get - but considering the deputy head said she wasn’t sure she’d pass a single exam at the rate she was going, 6 good passes is not bad going.

It a interesting that you interpret her behaviour as an indication that “she is clearly not bothered”. It could be that she felt very anxious. I would really encourage you to stop making negative assumptions, to be more open.

She didn’t display any anxiety about it. Anxiety usually shows up as anger for Dd. I genuinely don’t think she was anxious about the results - her emotions are not the same as you might expect and that’s not necessarily a negative thing either. I will try to be more open though.

Just an update - Dd is doing brilliantly at her dad’s. Managing on her allowance of £35 a week for bus and lunch money and attending her level 3 childcare course every day. Loving it and even making friends.

I don’t know where I was going wrong - but I am happy for Dd.

That's good. You probably just needed a break from each other.

That's really good news. I hope you're having a great break from her! The calmer she is the better. Don't worry about why or anything like that. Just focus on relaxing and getting some time off.

She’s doing brilliantly. We are having a holiday together in Barcelona next year.

That’s so good to hear.

OP I don't think it follows from her doing better at her dad's that you did anything wrong. People fall into patterns; stuff happens between them that isn't exactly either side's doing.

Here's hoping dad isn't being smug about it. You've put up with her crap for so long and if she now figures stuff out that's partly because you modeled for her how to. Be proud.

I just hope she continues doing well. She’s pleasant to talk to now as well.