I’ve had to let my 16 year old go

[Iusedtobedontcall]

I’m feel heartbroken. Dd, 16, has gone to stay at her dad’s and I don’t want her back. She’s been verbally abusive and manipulative for years - calling the police; running off as a way of getting her own way; defiance; breaking things in her room; refusing to go to school/work etc etc. She does have an ASD diagnosis and I have supported her for years now. I think I kept hoping the abuse would stop and it didn’t. I can’t cope anymore, so I’ve asked her dad to step in. She doesn’t have her own room there and his house isn’t in a nice area. But she doesn’t abuse him like she does me and I’ve other children to think of.

I posted about the full situation here
www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4610833-to-let-dd-walk-off
and received lots of support. But why do I feel so guilty? It doesn’t help that she’s blocked me, so I haven’t been able to speak to her. I’m in touch with her dad of course. Just so sad - I really want the best for her but I can’t do it anymore.

Oh Op - that must have been quite distressing for you (aside from the sperm - so sweetly funny!).

She sounds very vulnerable, very angry and quite lost. You were right to save to show her psychiatrist- but I’d take the original so she can really “get it”, not the same impact on a phone

Oh OP, I really feel for you. I have a 16 year old who is very similar to yours. It's very distressing and she gets so much support from family, school, CAMHS. It's not enough, she lies, runs away sparking missing persons report (because she has ASD and is vulnerable). She's still at school though and managed some decent Nat 5s this year (thank god for small mercies). Her dad and I are still together so there is nowhere I can send her, she's just here destroying our family and I don't know what to do. Every time I think she is getting better, she does something more horrendous than last time. It's an abusive relationship where she has us all as hostages by threatening suicide (she's taken pills), calling police and social services on us (which she's done. It's been investigated and case closed because basically we have a nice home and family and we "seem to be coping"), running away. It's soul destroying. I'm so sad for my other two younger DDs. I never had any contact with police for the first 45 years of my life and now they are around regularly and my DDs have to see that. I hope it works out for you and us. Stay strong.

@uhtredbebbanburg that does sound very similar. It’s so hard - I do identify with that feeling of having your family under scrutiny through no fault of your own. It’s not fair that my dc should see it as normal to have the police visit routinely because Dd has gone ‘missing’ or has made threats or allegations. Like you we’ve had no support from social services.

dd won’t do v well in her GCSES as she failed to attend school mostly in Y10 and 11. When she did attend she would cause havoc. She did go in for exams though.

Good luck with results day. You never know... I had no idea and when I saw As and Bs I cried. I hope this time apart does you both some good though I know you hurt and feel guilty. It's the respite time you need to recharge because we don't have a choice do we? We recharge and we face another day.

Is college still a little possibility? Is she disappointed?

Yes she can still enrol at college - she was looking at one near her dad’s. She doesn’t really express disappointment.

That’s a positive? She needs something in her life aside from staying all day in one room.

what’s her weight and general health like? Personal hygiene?

how are you doing?

She’s looking at that or an apprenticeship, or a full time job. Whether she sticks to it or not is down to her and her dad now. Her emotions or ability to express them are limited because of her ASD.

She’s a healthy weight and her personal hygiene is good - she showers daily and smells nice. Teeth - she’s having issues because of how much sugar she eats.

I am ok - I’m sad that she’s not messaging and I know she might not forgive me, but I can’t cope anymore.

I'm glad things can be better for you and your remaining family. It must have been so difficult for your other children too.

Was her dad at all involved while she was living with you?

She didn’t go for overnights at her dad’s- she used to go to her grandma’s when she was alive last year and see him there. He would take her out, or take her to appointments and he would call her regularly etc. I did the bulk of everything though and have for years now.

Ok you need to be her reality check as she going to spend money and waste time.

she’s not going to get a full time job OP at this time or even in the near future. She’s unemployable.

as for an apprenticeship, I doubt it.

in the future, nothing to say she won’t. But she won’t now.

So sitting in one room in her dad’s is what lies ahead unless there is a change.

Are you other children close to her?

But why do you think she won't forgive you when she is the one who made the decision to go? I would make the most of the time apart, even just think of it as a holiday from her, and focus on your other children. I wouldn't text all the time and would send one text today just saying hope everything is okay, what have you been up to? You don't want her home as she is now, and I don't blame you. For her to change it's going to take some time. She's not going to change overnight.

I’m not going to do anything now - it’s up to her. She’s not unemployable- she can be superficially very charming at interviews etc- she just can’t sustain day to day grind of work/college. I am not going to write a 16 year old off.

Her dad will give her freedom that she doesn’t have here and she does have step siblings and a half sibling there that she gets on with (she doesn’t like our family here).

He’s also stricter in some ways - I don’t think she’ll abuse him because she won’t have the same power over him. If anyone can get her up and into work/college - he will be able to. Also the house not being as nice means she might be less comfortable staying in one room all day. Who knows.

She will often make decisions and then blame others for them.

Her sister is not close to her at all. Dd2 is 14 and spends most of her time studying. She is a perfectionist who gets top grades and is in the school leadership team. She has never ever been rude or disrespectful to me and doesn’t like the way dd1 behaves.

Her brother is 12 and gets on with everyone - he’s got a laid back and sunny character. He told me he’s learned that you can’t speak to dd1 if ‘she’s in a bad mood’ as he puts it. So he gets on with her but only because he’s learned to tip toe around her.

she just can’t sustain day to day grind of work/college.

so how would full time work or an apprenticeship work?

I am not writing anyone off at 16! I just said that you need to be the reality check in her life and a he’s not going to get a full time work or apprenticeship at current time.

I am not going to be a reality check in her life - it doesn’t work. I’m going to step away and stop micro managing her. She will make her own mistakes now.

How is he stricter with her? Doesn’t tolerate the rages?

She has never ever been rude or disrespectful to me

14? Wow! That’s incredible!

Is your partner supportive?

@Endlesslypatient82 dd2 is as unusual in her own way as dd1. I suspect she has ASD too but a totally different presentation. She’s up at 5.30 every day; has studied every day of the school holidays and does German for fun. At school, people are always shocked that she’s dd1’s sister and often don’t believe it - even though they look extremely similar. It’s one of the reasons I think it’s not my parenting that has caused this - though I do question myself.

DH is extremely supportive.

@Endlesslypatient82 dad is maybe not stricter with dd1 - that’s perhaps the wrong way of explaining it. He’s just scarier than I am - he’s a man with a loud voice who is very no nonsense. He won’t be manipulated and doesn’t get as emotionally involved as I do. Maybe that will work for her.