I’ve had to let my 16 year old go

[Iusedtobedontcall]

I’m feel heartbroken. Dd, 16, has gone to stay at her dad’s and I don’t want her back. She’s been verbally abusive and manipulative for years - calling the police; running off as a way of getting her own way; defiance; breaking things in her room; refusing to go to school/work etc etc. She does have an ASD diagnosis and I have supported her for years now. I think I kept hoping the abuse would stop and it didn’t. I can’t cope anymore, so I’ve asked her dad to step in. She doesn’t have her own room there and his house isn’t in a nice area. But she doesn’t abuse him like she does me and I’ve other children to think of.

I posted about the full situation here
www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4610833-to-let-dd-walk-off
and received lots of support. But why do I feel so guilty? It doesn’t help that she’s blocked me, so I haven’t been able to speak to her. I’m in touch with her dad of course. Just so sad - I really want the best for her but I can’t do it anymore.

I will definitely look at therapy and parenting courses. For now I need that space and I’m not ready to have her back.

Jesus fucking christ, were you born yesterday. Prison is not the best thing for almost anyone, let alone a vulnerable 16 year old.

I believe this 16 year old needs the structure and discipline of a prison.

up at same time (I’m guessing all day in bed, yes Op?)
and then spending her day raging at people

prison would mean she couldn’t scream and shout and lol around all day doing bugger all.

Honestly , what do you suggest ?

If she was 6, then yes.

shes 16. Parenting courses aren’t going to cut it op. And not a chance you’ll get her regularly going to or engaging with a therapist.

i think posters and you need to get real.

Can you stop talking about prison. It’s not helpful. Neither is telling me to get real. Prison is not therapy.

Also what sort of solution is that? She hasn’t committed a crime for which she will be given a prison sentence. So how do you suggest I get her put into prison for this structure she needs?

Op

ok no more prison talk.

forget the parenting courses, the love bombing etc. Your daughter is almost an adult. A woman. She has no education to speak of really and absolutely no control over her emotions. I suspect that by the end of this week, her father wants her out.

given her behaviour, her threats to kill herself etc, I would be considering contacting my GP and saying you think your daughter needs to be sectioned due to being a harm to herself and others

You clearly know absolutely nothing about MH provision or legislation.

You’ve had your say on this thread, repeatedly. Perhaps you could know leave it as on area OP can discuss her situation without being attacked or lectured?

My mother was sectioned. I do.

Gp
Social services

she was sectioned

The GP would not be able to section her. She isn’t currently a suicide risk and she has never physically harmed another person. It wouldn’t be the GP’s role to do that.

The resources aren’t there and DD’s needs, while complex, do not justify something as serious as a section.

my mother was sectioned due to being a risk to herself

She would often use threats to kill herself as a way of manipulating the family to do whatever she wanted and obviously every threat had to be taken seriously.

so longer doing this?

She used to do that regularly. It’s not her preferred method of manipulation now.

She was referred to CAMHS. There was no suggestion of a section. The professionals did not think she was seriously in danger of harming herself. So while threats always have to be treated seriously and we had a safety plan etc - you don’t get sectioned for suicide ideation.

I taught a girl last year who couldn’t be left alone because she was a real danger to herself. She didn’t even get to see CAMHS immediately. It’s not that easy.

With an IQ of 80 I don't think this child is capable of making decisions herself, and I would be keeping her under my eye and watching her every move. My son has a learning disability and it's very very hard sometimes but I can't let him go, he can't cope without me.

Let's hope her dad can cope with her . Nobody should judge you negatively for what you have experienced its sounds absolutely traumatic .

She’s with her dad - she’s not alone. I think her low IQ reflects her low processing speeds rather than her intelligence. She doesn’t have a learning disability as such. He’s said he’ll keep her if that’s what we decide and we are discussing it next week.

I’ve just read your other thread, OP. I can’t begin to imagine how hard it has been. I absolutely agree that her father must take responsibility for her now. You really do sound like you have tried and tried until you are so exhausted you become slightly detached. Which might actually be for the best from what you have described.

I’m guessing though that you may have to be very firm with boundaries with your DD and ExP in order not to accept her back as soon as they struggle. Had ExP supported you and her over the years?

He hadn’t supported me particularly- he didn’t believe she had autism and didn’t contribute financially when I had to seek the private diagnosis. I’ve done the bulk of it all.

I feel a bit detached - what she said about having an abortion was a devastating thing to say after my miscarriage and I’m struggling with that. But I love her and would hate for her to feel rejected. I think this is the best decision, but also the hardest one.

Is she happier at her dads?

It sounds as though her living with her dad is in everyone’s best interests, including hers.
so be proud that you are putting her needs above your own and for that you have nothing to feel guilty for.

@Endlesslypatient82

Being allegedly endlessly patient doesn't give you the right to spout endless shit.

Prison or a section? What else would you like, workhouses brought back? 4fs

@Iusedtobedontcall i really hope things work out for you, I know it's not something that will be fixed quickly, but i hope it improves over time. In the meantime I hope you enjoy your coffee and manage to get some time and space for you, whilst she is at her dad's.
You are doing the right thing and it is clear you love your daughter very much.

I doubt that she’s happier at her dad’s. She doesn’t have her own room there and the area is not as nice as where we live. But it clearly isn’t working for her being here. I have tried, it hasn’t worked, so it’s time to try something else.

You've done the right thing for everyone, OP.

Her message to you was a continuation of her previous behaviour.

I think if she contacts you again in similar vein, you should say you are not ready to have her home again. Don't engage with any topic she brings up (eg. outsider in her own home, etc). Just tell her your own basic feeling - you are not ready. Repeat ad nauseum.
Don't mention her behaviour in any response of yours. She will not sit down and reflect. With an IQ of 80 it's possible she is not actually capable of reflection.

An IQ of 80 is just above the threshold for borderline mental disability (70-79) and on the lowest rung of low average intelligence (80-89).

WTF🙄.... do you realise how fucking stupid you sound ...spouting shite like this

And fucking what???