I’ve had to let my 16 year old go

[Iusedtobedontcall]

I’m feel heartbroken. Dd, 16, has gone to stay at her dad’s and I don’t want her back. She’s been verbally abusive and manipulative for years - calling the police; running off as a way of getting her own way; defiance; breaking things in her room; refusing to go to school/work etc etc. She does have an ASD diagnosis and I have supported her for years now. I think I kept hoping the abuse would stop and it didn’t. I can’t cope anymore, so I’ve asked her dad to step in. She doesn’t have her own room there and his house isn’t in a nice area. But she doesn’t abuse him like she does me and I’ve other children to think of.

I posted about the full situation here
www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4610833-to-let-dd-walk-off
and received lots of support. But why do I feel so guilty? It doesn’t help that she’s blocked me, so I haven’t been able to speak to her. I’m in touch with her dad of course. Just so sad - I really want the best for her but I can’t do it anymore.

16

She’s moved all her stuff to her dad’s. I’ve already noticed that the atmosphere in the house has lifted. We can talk freely and the other dc can relax. It’s so awful not to be relaxed in your own home. It clearly wasn’t working here and I think like you did @ParsleyPesto -I will be able to look after myself now and look at therapy etc. I do feel like I’ve been traumatised over the years.

There’s a lot of guilt still - lessened by the fact that she did initially choose to go to her dad’s and I’m hoping she can settle in there. The other dc will get more attention and time now and not be overlooked. I don’t have to be careful what I say now in case it causes a blow up. I am not sworn at on a daily basis.

She used to steal and binge on food in the house and then complain there was no food. Her room was full of vapes and wrappers and litter - there was damage to her wall. I’ve been able to clean up.

My heart doesn’t sink every time I hear ‘Muuuuum’ and I might be able to concentrate at work now without being bombarded with hysterical phone calls and angry texts.

I am still in touch and she’s coming for lunch at my brother’s house tomorrow- maybe we can forge a new relationship now.

I can identify with that feeling of lightness when Dd is not here. There's no arguments or fall outs or stress about her running off or attacking one of us. The house doesn't smell of vape and it's just more relaxed. I still feel guilty but I know that my other dc deserve to be in a safe and calm home.

@Iusedtobedontcall
Yes, that amazing feeling of lightness when you know the home will be free of drama for a while, soak it up.

I’m sure you have all sorts of difficult feelings and that will take time to change as you both get used to the new set up.

And as you say you feel traumatised by what has been going on. One day at a time for now.

Try to put her out of your mind even just for 30 mins at a time. You are so used to her sapping all your time and energy that your mind probably still flicks to her constantly but that will reduce.

Maybe write a little list of nice things you can do for yourself this week.

How did lunch go OP?

She was ok ish - though I realised how much we have put up with for so long. Stuff like - she deliberately entered an incorrect passcode into her 10 year old step brother’s iPad to disable it. She tried to exclude dss from a ball game he was playing in the first place, taking his ball off him and demanding that he didn’t play.

On the way home, DH was discussing my brother’s new house - we weren’t saying anything negative, just discussing the AstroTurf and how it was practical for them but wouldn’t work with our dogs. She interrupted telling DH to ‘fucking shut up and to stop being nasty as my brother and his girlfriend were just starting out.’ We ended up sitting in silence in the car. She then started playing music through her phone, even though she has headphones and I was too nervous of her reaction to tell her to turn it off - especially with 6 and 10 year old dsd in the car. She was muttering stuff under her breath and making comments about the DSC and their mum and saying that she wasn’t allowed to live with us. She has just been a menancing presence - it’s hard to explain.

This would have been a normal, relatively successful family outing. We’ve been under this strain for so long it’s become normal.

I've not read the whole thread, OP, but I have read your posts and your previous thread.

I just wanted to pop on and say: you've done the right thing. People judging you and telling you things like 'you've given up' have no idea what it's like to live with somebody like this, even if it is your child. In fact when it's your child I'm sure it's worse, as it goes against your instincts to not want to live with them.

Anyway, we reached the point you have now when DS was a bit younger than your DD, he was approaching his teens. His behaviour was similar though, and the things you said about the atmosphere and constantly feeling on edge, waiting for the next thing to kick off, really resonate with me. It is no way to live, it made my whole family ill, but particularly me and DH.

DS lived with his father for just over a year, before his DF and DSM split up. largely due to realising that parenting him really was fucking hard work and that, actually, they couldn't do a better job than us despite their constant interference and undermining that made everything worse. He came back to us following their split as his DF was found, by SS after school made a referral, to be incapable of even the bare minimum of parenting by himself.

Since DS has come home, he's like a different child. He is now 16. He's a true delight to be with: funny, kind, hard-working, thoughtful, even if he is still cheeky, it's now just in good humour. That year made him realise which side his bread is buttered, that his DF was causing far more harm than good and that boundaries are actually good.

In the mean time, the rest of us had a year without the stress and managed to rebuild our own health and our relationships with DS.

It feels hard now, and deep down you probably feel the horrendous guilt and self-blame that I did. But this isn't your fault, and a child going to live with one parent isn't the failure of the other. It's simply a different parenting arrangement. Sometimes Dad's need to take their turn with the hard shit too.

That sounds pretty awful. Honestly it’s too early for you to be spending time with her, and it’s very unhealthy for you and for the younger children. It’s never ok for you or them to be absurd like this.

I feel guilty especially as her dad’s house is horrible and not up to my standards at all. It’s messy; there were loads of beer cans in the bin and junk in the garden. They have a lot of cats and Dd has been bitten by fleas. I’ve let her dad know to treat the cats and the room.

But he’s converting the garage room for her - she’ll have an en-suite and shower in there and a king size bed.

I bought her a load of cleaning stuff so she can make sure her environment is nice. I can’t have her back though, it’s not fair. Dd2 said it felt like a weight had been lifted when dd1 left the car.

I can understand that and your ex is a dropkick for being such a rubbish dad.

Try not to let guilt be your driving force though. This is not going to be a quick thing, you need to be apart in a healthy way and carefully manage any meetings.

Do you younger children have to stay with him ever?

Your

My younger children don’t stay with him ever. I don’t allow it. But she’s 16 and has chosen it.

Thank goodness. Sounds horrific.

I would rather dd1 wasn’t there - but I don’t know what else to do. She’s extremely abusive and that’s making everyone around her unhappy. And can’t be doing much good for her either.

Is she particularly bothered about her surroundings? Some people really aren’t. The garage conversion sounds like good progress.

Her own room at our house was disgusting. I had to go in and clean it as it was full of wrappers, plates, half eaten food, clothes, vapes, crumbs etc. So she can’t be all that bothered about her surroundings I don’t think.

I’ve sent some nice messages but she’s now ignoring me, so I’ll leave her be for the moment.

So perhaps you can drop a bit of guilt about her new surroundings?

I probably need to. She is 16, she’s capable of cleaning up for herself should she choose to do so. We went shopping before I dropped her at her dad’s and she picked £80 worth of cosmetics, shampoos, personal hygiene stuff and even threw random things like false eyelashes in there, that I didn’t notice till we got the till.

We also picked up 5 different types of microfibre cleaning cloths, enzyme cleaner (in case the cats wee inside anywhere), zoflora wipes, disinfectant, harpic and and her own personal mug to drink from. She won’t use any of the cleaning products. She likes to spend my money as much as possible, knowing that I’ll often give in to avoid the meltdown. She knew on this occasion that I felt guilty about her going to her dad’s and wouldn’t say no, so she loaded up her basket.

I noticed when clearing out her room that she had ten sets of Disney store pyjamas that were virtually unworn. I buy all my clothes from charity shops and she had literally hundreds of identical branded clothes. Her wardrobe is broken (she smashed the mirrored doors) and she’s destroyed a patch of plaster. On one wall she’s carved ‘KYS’ (kill yourself). All of her drawers are falling apart through rough handling and having too many clothes stuffed into them.

Sorry - I’ve gone on a tangent. I’m feeling guilty and also processing everything.

I hope it doesn’t sound like a character assassination- because I don’t want it to sound like that. I genuinely want her to be happy and I really have tried.

That’s OK - it’s your thread to pour everything out. It truly sounds like minimal, structured contact is the way to go at the moment. eg one text every other day from you, or whatever you decide.

It doesn’t sound like that. Your love and care for her very much come through in your posts.

You have been an absolute saint to live through this. I could never have coped as well as you.

If her father's house is messy, it doesn't matter, it's the way she liked her old room in your home. Don't message her, leave her be to settle there. You are not messaging her for her benefit, you are doing it for yourself, because you are feeling guilty.
There comes a time when you have to think of putting your other children, partner and yourself (four people) before your daughter. As long as her father provides a home for her , you do not have to take her back, she is not homeless. It is time for your family to have some happiness now. You have as much obligation to them as your daughter.

I’ve just found a book on top of her wardrobe. She’s included a note inside that says ‘If you got as far as reading this - fuck off.’

Inside she’s written KYS, drawn pictures of anything offensive or shocking she can think of - knives, drugs, cigarettes (v tame really!), even sperm which made me laugh a bit. Hope it doesn’t seem like I’m making light of the situation.

She’s drawn a devil with a pitchfork, she’s written 999 and 666 and she’s drawn a swastika in there. What strikes me is just how full of anger it is; though DH thinks she’s just included what she thinks will shock - knowing there’s a chance someone will come across it some day. I’ve taken a pic to show her psychiatrist and I’m just going to throw it in the bin.

Thank you for the support too @Jellybean23 and @SparklingLime - I do need to be happy now. The home feels calm and I keep thinking that this is what normal families feel like.