I’ve had to let my 16 year old go

[Iusedtobedontcall]

I’m feel heartbroken. Dd, 16, has gone to stay at her dad’s and I don’t want her back. She’s been verbally abusive and manipulative for years - calling the police; running off as a way of getting her own way; defiance; breaking things in her room; refusing to go to school/work etc etc. She does have an ASD diagnosis and I have supported her for years now. I think I kept hoping the abuse would stop and it didn’t. I can’t cope anymore, so I’ve asked her dad to step in. She doesn’t have her own room there and his house isn’t in a nice area. But she doesn’t abuse him like she does me and I’ve other children to think of.

I posted about the full situation here
www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4610833-to-let-dd-walk-off
and received lots of support. But why do I feel so guilty? It doesn’t help that she’s blocked me, so I haven’t been able to speak to her. I’m in touch with her dad of course. Just so sad - I really want the best for her but I can’t do it anymore.

I haven’t read your other thread OP, apologies, but I wondered if you’d spoken to your local council’s early help service? Some also have a service for adolescents on the edge of care which might have some useful support for you both.

@Iusedtobedontcall please don’t say you feel as though you failed her. You said you feel guilt, even though you’ve done everything you could.

I got excellent grades, I was successful in life both personally and professionally. I’m a happy and healthy person. Still, my mum used to say she felt as though she failed me and had enormous guilt, because she made mistakes.

Who the hell doesn’t? No matter how much I tried to persuade my mum that she was a good mum and that she did an excellent job raising us, she could never let go of the guilt. She lived 96 years and died with that guilt, no matter how hard we tried to convince her of otherwise.

Please don’t be like my mum: know that you’ve done your all, your best, and leave it to your ex-husband now. Please. You’ve run your race and done well to come out this side. xx

This is an extraordinarily ignorant post.

What do you know of the criminal justice system?

What crime is it you think the girl has committed?

That’s quite a defensive post. It tells me you are more attached to being right than you are to being open.

i also used to confront my daughter about her lies but was advised by a therapist not to. It’s complicated but lying is symptomatic of other problems and I followed professional advice to step back and that worked.

You are in so deep that you can’t see the wood for the trees.

Step right back. Do not engage in these fruitless conversations with your child who is drowning in distress and punching holes in the space around her frantically looking for a way forward.

Yes you are hurt but you are the grown up here. Don’t confront her about anything, don’t get into arguments. Maybe reduce contact and send only positive texts, hi honey, thinking of you, love x

Make some sort of agreement to have at least two weeks break from each other and then structured contact. Don’t dictate this, do it in a way that she feels part of the decision. Empower her.

Consistency is important. You could send a text saying something like, hey we seem to be upsetting each other. It’s not what I want. I love you and want to repair our relationship. Would it be easier if we text once a day for a week or so?

See what she comes back with. She likely needs to exert some control as she will be acutely aware that she has virtually none.

Then stick to the agreement. Whether she ignores her side of it or sends rants at you, stick to your bit. Send one nice text a day. The more consistent you are the more likely it is she will start to trust you. It will take time, maybe months.

That’s good advice @ParsleyPesto .
I suppose I am defensive, because situations like this do make you feel that your parenting is at fault.

I don’t think it’s your fault

i think your daughter who is now almost an adult has very serious mental health problems that aren’t going to be solved by parenting courses and you will never get someone in this frame of mind to commit to regular therapy.

Sure it can feel like that but try to push beyond the blame and shame, and focus on solutions. We are all learning as we go.

The main thing is that you are a committed parent who is doing her best, that is all any parent can do.

Assigning blame is a pointless exercise anyway.

I don’t think it’s our place to try to diagnose the OP’s daughter, there are people in her life who can do that.

But OP needs to put on her own oxygen mask first.

I agree

but we are all mothers I presume

and whilst someone telling me to put my oxygen mask on before my children is sensible…. My instinct as a mother will always be children first. And not even as though putting mine on first is actually going to assuage any worry or anxiety for my children

OP

I think she needs to be out of your house for a while, so ensure the conversation next week doesn't change that.

It's well known that abuse between parents negatively affects children.
That's known because it's been studied.

Abuse by children towards parents has been taboo for so long hence it hasn't been studied anywhere as much.

However I'd be definite that abuse by a child towards a parent also negatively affects the other children in the family.

So you need her away from your house, at the very least in order to give your other child a break, for as long as possible.

Just here to lend some support OP. You are absolutely allowed to put yourself first. You are burnt out. You need a break. You've done everything you can, and your guilt suggests you still care massively.

I have a son with additional needs although much younger. I'm a firm believer in them needing to see the consequences of their behaviour, the impact it has on others, even if their disorder has triggered that behaviour.

Your dd needs to know that the way she treats you is not acceptable and you will not be treated that way in your own home. Well done for having boundaries.

I suggested she could come home but she needed to commit to some kind of therapy for six months. She could choose the therapy etc.

She said no - she would just ‘slit her neck’ and she will go to dad’s.

I am exhausted. Her dad’s house is horrible and I don’t really want her there but I don’t know what to do.

I think she knows that the emotive language she uses is particularly triggering to you. It doesn't sound like she actually would slit her neck. Try to think of it almost like a toddler having a tantrum, and just using anything at her disposal to wrestle control of the situation.

This would be regarded as someone posing a serious threat to themselves OP

She says it as a throwaway remark - she also tells me to slit my throat. Anyway her dad can seek this help that’s out there now.

If she knew that by saying that we would immediately go into panic stations, she would absolutely exploit that as a way of control.

My point is

You know it (may) be a throwaway remark but the people from who you could real real support from - don’t. And it would be taken seriously (and rightfully so. A teenager not at school, spending all day in one room, full of rage and saying things like this is a concern)

Of course she’s a concern. But she’s not a risk to herself and there are professionals involved who agree with that. Simply saying this sort of thing doesn’t get you into residential care or hospital. And she doesn’t engage with therapy. She will say whatever she thinks will get her a result.

She’s not at school because she’s finished school.

We’ve seen, and are still under the care of a psychiatrist - we’ve had support from CAMHS etc. I’ve told her psychiatrist when she’s made threats in the past and she hasn’t immediately come over to section her. It just doesn’t happen.

does she have any qualifications? Has the apprenticeship now no longer an option even if she wanted to go back?

GCSE results day is next week so we’ll see. The apprenticeship obviously wasn’t right for her but she can decide what she wants to do on enrolment day at college.

Well then I would suggest that your instinct is not doing you any favours. Running yourself ragged for your children is a foolish way to parent, totally unsustainable.

Presumably you missed my post where I said I had been through very similar and that parenting courses had helped me immeasurably.

How many troubled 16yo girls have you parented? How many parenting teens courses have you done? I speak from experience so please don’t be so arrogant as to tell me to get real. I suggest I know more about real than you ever will. I have dealt with police, hospital, psychiatrists, parenting coaches, family harm emergency support… you name it. And I got my family through to the point that we are all now thriving. My daughter is now 19 and in an amazing job earning more than many people twice her age. So maybe don’t be so dismissive.

How old was your daughter @ParsleyPesto when you went on a parenting course?