I hate my life (newborn is 4 weeks)

[TiredMommy93]

I feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life. I've always wanted kids but now that I'm actually going through this phase, I absolutely regret it.

My baby doesn't sleep for more than 1 maybe if all stars align 2 hours at night.
He won't sleep at all unless he's on my chest and when I put him down he starts screaming. I tried to sleep with him on me since we came home but it doesn't work. I can't fall asleep that way.

Some people may think "well what were you expecting? Good question. Nothing. I was naive. My pregnancy was very tough. Me and my baby almost died and labor was hell. There were almost no breaks between contractions and the staff didn't allow an epidural.
Even though I kept screaming "give me an epidural!!" for hours.

Then after we could finally go home I had the worst panic attack imaginable at night from too much stress.

Things got much better since then mentally but I absolutely hate my new life. I'm so incredibly tired I could sleep for one week and still be tired.

When does all of this get better? I can't cope anymore. I'm dying inside. One mom told me today that it doesn't get easier. That just destroyed all hope I had and why the hell do people decide to have 2 or more kids if this is what parenthood is like.

But it's too late now I can't go back to the way it was before.
The time before our relationship consisted only of "who changes the diaper" or "can you please prepare a bottle"

It's not fun. It's not even bearable...
Does it get better or is my life over?

Oh you poor thing. All I can say is that I felt exactly the same, I cried most days in the first month. I couldn't get over how demanding and all encompassing it was. Your mum is completely wrong. Looking after a toddler or a 10 year old or even a stroppy teen is just not the same at all! I struggled with this stage immensely. I'm sure others will be along with good advice on how to cope, but I just wanted you to know I have been exactly where you are and felt exactly the same, and then gone on to find parenting for the most part much easier.

Could be worth chatting to your HV/GP if you feel you might have PND, in my case I didn't, I was just overwhelmed by the crying, neediness and feeding regime of a newborn and that got much easier after about 3 months, and I positively started to enjoy it about 6 months in when they can sit (but not crawl haha).

It definitely, definitely gets easier and your life is not over

There are highs and lows with every age/stage, but nothing like the complete sleep deprivation of the first few weeks!

Have you had any help to get over what sounds like a very traumatic birth? You could have pnd or just need to vent/rant to someone who will listen (Mumsnet will do!)

What support do you have day to day? Where is baby's dad, any other family?

A good nights sleep can make such a difference

Thank you for the reply I appreciate it so much. I talked to a therapist and he said it's completely normal...
But if this is normal how come the human race hasn't died out yet.
3 months. So still 8 weeks. Jesus I hope you are right. I need sleep. Is it unusual that a baby sleeps only up to 2 hour stretches at 4 weeks age?

Of course it gets better!!! Oh my gosh I can't believe someone said that to you!! I had a shit birth with my first (lost nearly 4 litres of blood and needed 2 operations after to repair the damage) and he was a nightmare newborn - literally never slept! I was a zombie for the first 3 months. But it DOES get better. Of course it does! Sleep is up and down I will warn you - next week could be loads better and then the week after it could feel like you're back to square one, but over time it DOES improve. My first is now 5yo and sleeps 7pm-7am and has done for years now, pretty much since 2yo. And you will feel better too. You will heal and you will adjust. You're in survival mode now so just get through each day as best you can - stay away from any books, social media posts and websites that make you feel like you're failing (especially the ones with those stupid wake windows which my kids have never followed!!) and make sure you're being as kind to yourself as possible. Share the load with your partner and remember this is all just a phase - ok, you'll always have your son now but you'll also get back your relationship with your husband and your sense of self and the squalling newborn will become a proper little person who smiles and babbles and kisses you! Good luck and take it easy!

Normal. Everyone goes through this. First 6 weeks are torture. Hang in there, gets better soon.

How involved is your partner? Is your baby breastfed or formula fed?

You need to be doing shifts. He takes baby from, say, 7pm-midnight while you sleep, then you take baby from midnight-6am or something and then he takes baby again for an hour or two in the morning. You won't see much of each other but that's just a short-term thing.

So so normal for a 4 week old. They need to wake frequently to feed. It's rare that babies that young sleep for long stretches. The first 6 weeks are hardest I find but it does get better. Yes babies prefer sleeping on someone (Google 4th trimester).

Whats your partner doing? I hope you aren't doing all of this alone.

It gets MUCH better OP and it's quite normal to freak out when you have your first, because however much you think you know in advance and however much you've daydreamed and hoped and chatted to other people - the reality is completely different. I remember feeling smothered and exhausted, because you can't leave them for even 5 mins. No more dashing to the shop to get a pint of milk or going to pick up your parcel - everything is suddenly a massive hassle and pain in the arse.

But it gets much, much easier. Thank God! Or no one would ever have more than one DC. Do you have any help, a DP, etc OP? Can you afford to get a post-partum doula to come and help you out a bit? I had one for a week after my first was born and she was amazing, but I appreciate that not everyone can access that sort of help. If not, just try to sleep when your baby sleeps (I know, not easy), eat nutritious food, stay hydrated, and don't be afraid to put him down somewhere safe like his cot. He may scream for a bit, but as long as he's safe you can take a shower, make a cuppa, whatever.

And please stop trying to sleep with him on you - that's a recipe for burnout and exhaustion if ever I heard one. With my second I couldn't let him fall asleep on me (as I did with my first), so I put him down fed, burped, clean and awake in his cot and he soon learned to fall asleep like that.

I remember feeling that way too OP, the first weeks are the worst, DS started feeding every 2 hours on the dot and took atleast an hour to feed and settle before sleeping only on a person or in the car seat. People love saying it doesn’t get better, welcome to life with kids etc and it’s so unhelpful. I found it got better in tiny stages, feeds will soon start spreading out slightly more and hopefully you’ll get a few longer stretches. In a few weeks the baby may start smiling too which is the first milestone that showed me he did actually get something out of me being there. Mine slept through the night for the first time at 6 weeks, it was a one off but it still helped give me hope!

Just try and remind yourself that everything with babies is a phase, and it will pass, look for the tiny milestones and don’t be hard on yourself for not enjoying it, it’s crap, but it is worth it eventually I promise.

Also go back to the GP, I found mine fairly useless too and that you have to push them, but you don’t have to put up with feeling so down because you chose to have a baby, it’s meant to be hard but it’s not meant to be a punishment.

I'm in the thick of it now with a 5w old who has colic. It's normal... DH and I were bracing ourselves because we went through it all with 2yo DD but this time isn't as bad because we know there is an end in sight!

Shifts with your partner is key. Do the 'last' feed before your bedtime then go up, say at 9/10pm and leave the baby downstairs with your partner. Get a solid 3 hours sleep til the next feed then swap.

Sleep deprivation is torture. It makes you feel awful and think, say and do things you wouldn't dream of normally. You will get there as the weeks roll past.

Hang in there. 6 weeks was better and 12 weeks better again. By about 4 1/2 months they go down at 7pm for a few hours and You have an actual evening.

Get someone to have him in the evening so you can go straight to bed a 7.30 pm for 4 hours uninterrupted with earplugs and you will feel so much better.

Welcome to parenthood. It's a pile of crap we endure and nobody must be honest... it's a total illusion peddled by bullshit media and social media.

It does get better OP, once you're in a good routine and you know what's what, I found that it felt much better. The sleepless nights don't last forever

I promise it does get better OP, you're right in the middle of the biggest shock of your life and no one can really prepare you for it!

The 4th trimester is a thing, baby only knows the warmth and comfort of your body and it is so so normal for them to just want to be held all the time. The carrycot part of our pram was never used, nor the Moses basket as my baby just wouldn't be put down! He slept on me for the first 7 weeks, and then we got a sleepyhead and that was the first time he slept in something other than me. The relief was immense!

Hold on in there. It's tough - nothing can prepare you for it, and you'll see other women seemingly effortlessly taking to motherhood which will make you feel worse.

It gets better. Much better. Then shit again for a bit. But even better again. Promise.

Around 7 weeks in you'll start to get smiles - and from there on in the baby starts to give you something back.

My youngest didn't sleep and I was absolutely on my knees. Today he's just turned four and the absolute joy of my life.

If your breastfeeding I would suggest adding formula and bottles and then you can sleep, leave baby with your partner/parent and get a few good nights sleep! Things always feel better with sleep

It does get better - although I wanted to hit people who said that to me, because I needed it to be better NOW.

But it does, because sleep deprivation makes everything worse. However, if you're feeling really bad, it might be worth speaking to your GP in case it's postnatal depression.

I'm generally (if I may say so) a competent person. But looking back at when my first DD was born, the first three months, we just survived. And this is despite having a hands on partner.
A good day for me was if I managed to brush my teeth before 4pm.
In retrospect, I think I actually had really high expectations on myself: I wanted to be the perfect mother who competently and seemingly effortlessly deals with motherhood.
You don't need to prove anything to anybody. Try and take it as easy as you can. Yes, "normal" life is on hold - but it won't be forever.
Hang in there. Just get through one day at a time. It WILL get better.

It gets much better but right now you need more support, emotional and practical. It is such a shock to the system, be kind to yourself, you are doing your best.

You need to be able to leave housework, etc to someone else, your priority is rest so you can give your baby what he needs.

Get your partner to pull his weight, ask family and friends to help you, most people are delighted to help out but might not volunteer in case they think they're intruding.

Can you get a cleaner in once a week, get in some decent ready meals so you don't need to worry about food. With my first I survived on toast and lucozade, I wouldn't recommend that!

You will find a routine that works for you and your baby, and before you know it you will have moved on to a new stage where he's sleeping more and you feel more rested and confident.

You will look back on this stage and think 'how the hell did I survive that', we've all been there, you can do this.

I honestly know how u feel. My little one is a bit older 22 weeks but it's been torture. And I'm not a first time mum. I'm 40 and this is my third. Like you totally hellish pregnancy, I was in hospital the whole last month solid. They started me off which acted too quickly and put baby in danger within minutes I was being stripped off and prepared for surgery. Not enough time to numb me properly so they put me out and a c section was performed. And omg I do not for the life of me understand why she people opt for those god awful things. I was in agony for weeks and weeks after. And worst thing you're just expected to get up and get on with it. They wanted me up the very next day and I passed out from the pain. I also have fibromyalgia so my pain levels are worse than some others. I had one real shitty midwife who told me " most women go home after 24 hours" and at that point it took me half hour to get from my bed to the commode right beside me. My babe had to go into ICU so I was discharged from maternity so to speak but still in the hospital as there are "flats" for the parents in ICU. So I'm down in ICU where there is no care for me at all except the midwife came once to change my dressing. I've never felt so degraded in my life. I was put in a room on my own so far from the toilet that when I needed to go at night I would have wet myself. I just couldn't get off the bed in time and hobble there. So I asked for a commode and honestly you would think I'd just asked for a shit sandwich. The look of disgust on their faces. Anyway I was told they don't have anything like that for parents and the best they could do would be give me an adult nappy for night times. Well I was horrified but it was either that or pee the bed. So for a week I was sleeping sat up in an adult nappy which I had no choice but to pee in. Then the next day I didn't have any help to clean myself up so had to struggle with wet wipes best I could. Eventually after nearly 3 weeks of hell babe could come home. Still couldn't sleep laying down now didn't have the fancy adjustable hospital bed either . Plus a baby that refused to sleep in her next to me crib. I kept percevering I swaddled her and she took to it eventually. But only half the night. After her 2ñd feed of the night she categorically wouldn't go back in the crib so I slept with her in my arm. I stuck to it and stuck to it and eventually she slept in her crib. I had the same routine every night, upstairs at six ready for bed and in her crib. She still does it now. Except she's now in her cot. However now she has her first real cold. And no matter what I do she's so bunged up at night she keeps waking cos she can't breathe. I'm using saline and a nasal aspirator but she goes insane. So more crying only results in more snot. The last week we've been downstairs from around 2am as don't want to disturb the whole house. And I'm back to feeling that horrible desperate feeling. Feeling incredibly stupid for having another baby at 40 when I have health issues. My partner really didn't want another child and reminds me every time things are bad. 🙄. I have serious mum guilt, my 6 year old has had one day out this whole half term cos I'm just dead beat exhausted. My house is a total dive. The baby spends most of her time watching baby sensory TV I try and play with her but she's not interested. On top of the cold she's teething. Two so far already. Sorry I've had a real ramble here. But basically trying to say don't beat yourself up. You may not feel like it but you've totally got this. We're all if we're honest totally winging it. Even those super mum's. Sending you love xxx

OP well done to you for being brutally honest! You will feel better one day. If you have a partner, please make him do bedtimes/naps so the baby gets used to settling for someone other than you. Get him involved in feeding and get out the house on your own for an hour for a walk in the fresh air/coffee with a friend etc while he cares for the baby to clear your head. You don’t have to do it all alone. Sending good wishes OP

Hang in there. It’s chaos in the beginning, an absolute sh*t show. It’s the same for lots of people especially with their first. I had a similar experience - traumatic birth, long hospital stay afterwards and then felt i’d made a huge mistake for the first few months. It DOES get easier, much easier. The newborn stage is brutal for lots of people. Around 6 months I started to get into the groove and feel I was starting to enjoy it, and it just got better from there. Now he’s 3 he’s the light of my life and brings me so much joy each day, when he goes to bed I just think wow I love him so much. You’ll get there. Just go into survival mode for now.

I remember when I’d not long had my eldest (I was 20), sitting in the living room with him as he screamed in my arms, looking out the window at what was a beautiful sunny day and reading all my friends statuses online about the things they were doing in the nice weather whilst I was trying and failing to calm down a grumpy newborn. I literally sat there and cried to myself and thought “what the hell have i done”. This lasted probably the first couple of months of it being a pretty constant feeling.

I’ve had several incidences since then with eldest and my other two kids where in the heat of the moment I’ve been like “Christ what have I done”, but it’s not a constant feeling anymore, it’s more a reaction to a particularly stressful day/event. Overall I’m happy with my life. You’ve just gone through such a big adjustment to your lives, this tiny little thing has stormed into your life and thrown it all upside down. It’s normal to be a bit like “well this is hard, not loving this”. But as they get older, you start to get something back from them. Starts with little smiles when they see you, to big bear hugs, the utter excitement on their face when you treat them, doing goofy things you can’t help but laugh at with them. It does get easier!!! Make sure you have an honest discussion with your GP at your 6 week check (or sooner if you feel really down) so they can help you determine if you have any kind of PPD or PPA.

Oh you poor thing, I've been there 😔 unfortunately these things take time but in the meantime definitely consider taking shifts overnight with your partner. And please talk to your HV or GP again. I was fobbed off but my husband helped me keep pushing and I did get help in the end - medication, sleep and time is what it took. Oh and we aren't having another one, which is a sadness to me but honestly it was horrendous. Hormones are all over the place, and sleep deprivation is literally torture.