I hate my life (newborn is 4 weeks)

[TiredMommy93]

I feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life. I've always wanted kids but now that I'm actually going through this phase, I absolutely regret it.

My baby doesn't sleep for more than 1 maybe if all stars align 2 hours at night.
He won't sleep at all unless he's on my chest and when I put him down he starts screaming. I tried to sleep with him on me since we came home but it doesn't work. I can't fall asleep that way.

Some people may think "well what were you expecting? Good question. Nothing. I was naive. My pregnancy was very tough. Me and my baby almost died and labor was hell. There were almost no breaks between contractions and the staff didn't allow an epidural.
Even though I kept screaming "give me an epidural!!" for hours.

Then after we could finally go home I had the worst panic attack imaginable at night from too much stress.

Things got much better since then mentally but I absolutely hate my new life. I'm so incredibly tired I could sleep for one week and still be tired.

When does all of this get better? I can't cope anymore. I'm dying inside. One mom told me today that it doesn't get easier. That just destroyed all hope I had and why the hell do people decide to have 2 or more kids if this is what parenthood is like.

But it's too late now I can't go back to the way it was before.
The time before our relationship consisted only of "who changes the diaper" or "can you please prepare a bottle"

It's not fun. It's not even bearable...
Does it get better or is my life over?

It's bloody hard. You're right and you aren't imagining it.

I worked with families in crisis and saw how hard it was, felt I was prepared, I wasn't! Read so much info before, thought I understood, I didn't!

The sleep deprivation is insane. But you are still in the early days. It does get better to some degree but as pp have warned, it can be up and down. We have had weeks of bliss then weeks of just sheer tiredness and 4/5am wakes.

Now DD is 20 months things are more predictable and easy. I remember thinking at 3m old, what the hell have I done. This is awful, I have ruined my life.

It got easier for me at 18 months onward. DD was awful for weaning due to numerous severe food allergies so 6-18 months were hard work, harder than 0-6 in some ways really due to sheer panic.

0-6 was hard because of ALL THE BREASTFEEDING my god, they are not honest with women about how hard it is. The pain! The isolation!!The hormones!!!! But, we got through it and I still breastfeed now !

Are you single or do you have some help or support?

I remember this all too well hun.
i suffered with post natal depression. Maybe speak to the GP even though it does take a lot. If i didnt call them i don’t know where i would be rn.
Unfortunately this is the part noone tells you about. I now know feeling like this is actually somewhat normal. Even the most experienced mothers feel it sometimes.
I remember her being born and me thinking ‘what have i done???’
but i wouldnt change her for the world now.
Don’t be too hard on yourself, looking back i wish i could have told myself that. I had melt downs over everything. I hope you’re feeling better soon and remember its okay to grieve your old life.
I hope i have helped in some way x

Sleep is everything op.it is in so many things but especially for mental health and functionality of the mind when theres stress to work through.otherwise you hit a wall you can rational see through.
It sounds like you have a lot of things to contend with to do with trauma too.both of the birth and after.so this unsealed stuff could be impacting.
And some folk aren't quote mentally able to get through it never ending as others.this isn't their fault,they are not weak.just different sensitivities of people make them prone to not quite getting there.or more prone to ruminination,panic,dread,looking on the dark side,depression etc.so they need a bit more talking,support,help,techniques to see they too can summon what they need to do this.
Because it does get better as you learn how to manage,learn tips and tricks and queues from the baby on how to behave,when to nap,clean,rest.you learn how your little family can cope and exist and eventually a routine comes.and you have interspersed such moments of sunshine.
But you get them by being able to drop the worry anxiety and dread stuff and the constant black you seem to be feeling.rhis stuff choke holds the happy moments.its sabatahes the good times.

Sorry OP I hope things get better but please seek help from family, health visitor etc don’t try to manage yourself. IMO Motherhood isn’t meant to be this difficult as we are meant to be in communities where everyone is mucking in to help the new mother. But ofcourse in industrialised countries we live on our own or away from family or friends (pros and cons to this) If there is no wider support network, if you have a partner he needs to be doing absolutely everything except the breastfeeding. If bottle feeding then your partner needs to do the bulk of that as your body needs to recover so I don’t believe it should be 50/50 more 75/25. I naturally went into ‘gentle’ parenting as it was the easiest option to get over those early months. My first birth I had a 3rd degree tear, baby with allergy to egg and milk which went undiagnosed for months, my own thyroid stopped working so milk supply took a hit and also an undiagnosed broken coccyx. It took me many years to even want another baby. But much easier second time round as I had my support network around me. I genuinely feel anything less than this is going to affect the mother’s physical and mental health negatively one way or another so get everyone to step up. Yes there are plenty of women who will tell you how they did it all themselves (or in my culture they will say they made dinner for the whole village 5 minutes after they gave birth) but I don’t believe mothers should be doing anything apart from rest and maybe feed the baby if they choose to breastfeed. Look into a post natal doula if no family support or a Homestart volunteer. Also look into cranial osteopathy for baby. Get support there is no shame in it. Good luck Op x

You habe helped but the question is. When does it get better? When did you stop regretting motherhood?

I think lots of us have answered that question for you OP - it gets better gradually. Your baby will grow and change rapidly and your experience of looking after him will change along with it.

As for regretting motherhood, the first four weeks of your baby’s life will not define motherhood for you. They are just a brutal but normal transition phase for you but also for your baby who has never known anything else but warmth and comfort inside you and is now be asked to deal with cold air, too much space, hunger and thirst and even an inability to put himself to sleep, for the first time. Be patient with him and yourself. You’ve made an important step in recognising that you pushed yourself too hard in the beginning - you perhaps needed to realise that this is a monumental change for your mind and body and you need to look after yourself as much as possible in order to look after your baby. Just remember that and take it hour by hour, day by day, and you will suddenly look back and realise your baby isn’t a newborn anymore and you made it through.

It stopped for me when i realised i needed mental health support and very gradual from then. I came to realise there is no harm asking for help if you are struggling and it does make the world of difference x

You stop regretting it when you start to see your baby's little personality develop. I remember my mum telling me that the first smile is so precious because you finally feel like maybe your baby likes you! And I think that's true. I used to spend hours just making DS smile as it made me feel like it was less pointless.

And then they get a bit older and are genuinely funny and cute and you just enjoy who they are.

For me, that just continues to get better. I genuinely enjoy spending time with them now. They're interesting, funny, smart people and hanging out with them isn't hard at all.

These replies have been so lovely, hope you’re feeling a bit better about things today💕

Like it’s been said the first few weeks are shit. My DP has ADHD or some kind of attachment issues bless him and needs constant attention so he forced us to do 2 hour stints each when baby was sleeping on us 😂 I tried to ask for shifts but he didn’t want to be alone in the evenings. Don’t know how the fuck he convinced me do not do that one!!! There’s loads of train driving videos and walk through on YouTube which helps you zone out. Wordle and Mumsnet forums were also a lifesaver in those hours where you can feel your eyes closing.

Controversial but keeping on top of the housework was a lifesaver. I felt like my life was falling apart the most in the times that the washing up was piling up and there was a huge pile of baby clothes to put away so just try and get those done if you can and if not then just rearrange the pillows on your sofa and bed once a day. Makes a simple but huge change in looking like a room is tidy💕

It does get easier promise, not sure who it was but on another post someone said that it gets better gradually but you don’t really notice then one day in a few weeks you look back and realise how much better it is.

Lots of love, you got this! xxx

Hello OP, I’m only a few months further on from you so can’t pretend to have it all together or to have conclusively put to rest lingering doubts about whether having a baby was the right decision.

Lots of people have said it gets easier when they start smiling. For me it’s the starting to chat that’s made a real difference, he’s suddenly much less like a little potato and much more like a little person.

Oh and getting more sleep! That’s massive.

I’m also trying to remind myself that adjusting to this change in life will take time. It took me years to build my old life (and I’d moved to the other side of the world so really was starting over) and it will also take a long time to complete the having-a-baby-remodel and get to a point where the new version feels as comfortable and as me as the old version.

I'm looking forward to seeing his personality!! I'll have more patience from now on. Sleep is slowly but surely improving...

I felt exactly the same when my first DC arrived. I had had a c section and was now expected to be awake 24/7 to cope with the demands of a newborn. What I found particularly galling was that a good friend of mine had abdominal surgery around the same time - it was a similar op but she got 6 weeks off work on bed rest.

Hollywood doesn't help - films showing mum & baby immediately bonding with feeding being a breeze etc are so misleading.

Honestly, it does get better. 12 weeks feels like miles away now but you will get there and things do get easier after that. I didn't believe it at the time but you will soon get to a point where you can get a baby sitter in so you can go out for dinner / cinema etc. Those days do come back.

In the meantime, do you have any friends or family that can help? Take all the help you can get. I signed up for Cook's 10% off food for new parents for a year offer and lived on their meals for a few months.

Definitely speak to your GP too.
Hang in there. You are not alone in feeling like this xx

I absolutely detest the newborn stage and I'm currently pregnant with number 3. It took me a while to bond with mine but that moment will come when you understand why the human race has kept going! You'll get there. Don't count down the days as every baby is different, rather, congratulate yourself on each difficult day done, knowing that you won't live that same day again. You've got this.

Smiling is great. My favourite memory from when DD was under 6 months though is the first time she laughed. I think she was about 3 months? I was bouncing her and singing to her and suddenly she was laughing, and it was just the most precious thing.

So there are some lovely moments coming your way, honest!

You know what? I'm realising the only reason I hate having a new born is the sleep. (OK and sometimes that I can't leave the room or do anything without him crying)
But the sleep is the worst. I'm a zombie.

For about 2 years, my fantasy was to stay in a nice hotel. With a huge bed. With white bed linen. And sleep.......

I haven't reread the thread but I seem to recall your DH is helping. As things get a bit easier, what helped us was that I would go to bed fairly early and DH would be in charge until about midnightish. (quite often Ds would have his longest sleep from about 7pm-11pm so I'd get some TV and chill time then head to bed at 9 and DH would then feed him, change him etc at 11 and resettle him).

Inevitably, as he was a terrible sleeper, he'd be up off and on from about 1am... which I would mostly take.

Depending on how bad the night was, DH would take over again at (bad day) 5:30 or so or (good day) 6/6:30. If it was the earlier start, he'd usually just have DS downstairs with him and the two of them would doze in the lounge. He'd then have DS while he showered/dressed/ate breakfast etc so that I could sleep. If it had been a very bad night, DH would try to push his departure time to about 8:30 but usually he'd come and wake me just before 8 with a cup of tea, then 10 minutes later give me the baby and head off.

It was brutal. But it meant I did get a few hours or sleep in the first part of the night and in the very early morning. And DH would at least get a solid 5.5-6 hours uninterrupted sleep, which was important because at the time he was in a rep job so was driving all day.

Your comment almost killed me. Seriously.

I was eating some toast while baby sleeps on me and read your comment. Thought it was funny how you said something about slinging them out the window. Tried to take a Screenshot of it so I can send it to one of my friends. Then I slipped off the buttons on my phone. The phone nearly fell on my newborn. I caught it but scared him. He then flung his arms around and hit my larynx and I almost choked on my toast. It's interesting how my newborn is not fazed by the sound of his mom almost choking to death. Such a cute little creature lol.

So by week 6 it gets better. I will avoid toast until then. Thank you all for the wondeful comments!!! They are really helpful and it's already getting a bit easier. He sleeps a little more and sometimes I can even put him down.

That's great op, please hang in there as it gets less intense little by little. Once they have a nap schedule you'll get a cuppa in peace!

@TiredMommy93 honestly, I could have written your original post a few months back. I’m 5 months in now and I hated the first 2 months. I adore my baby but I couldn’t stand what becoming a parent had done to me in those early weeks.

the smiling, giggling and chatting that you get to after about 3 months are a huge turning point. When you can actually play with them properly and see them processing things.

I do often feel like I’m a bad mum for wishing I had bits of my old life back, and I found that gets worse the longer you go without allowing yourself some ‘you’ time. Just an hour here and there to find yourself again, for me that was getting back into the gym a few times a week whilst my husband watched the baby, or having a bath and watching a film on my iPad.

i hope you start to feel better soon.

He's 6 weeks old and I still don't understand why people have a second child after going through this... My DS is colicky.. And all I can do is wait for this time to pass. Which is probably still gonna be another 6 weeks. Fk me.

I was wondering how you were getting on... no improvement on the sleep / crying front?

I haven't read all the posts but it will get better.

Have you ever heard the saying,,, With children it's long days but short years

Hey. Thanks for asking. The sleep is a little better but the crying is worse (6 weeks old tomorrow) He has colicks and screams alot no matter what I do. Tried massaging, drops, carrying him in a sling. Anything.

When I look into his eyes I know I love him but every now and then I wish I could to back in time and not get pregnant.

Everyone says it gets better but I want it to get better now

Has he been checked for reflux? (Silent reflux will have symptoms others than pain or discomfort for him). Have you tried laying him down on an inclined surface? I used to prop one end up of my twins’ cot with a small stack of books or small wedge under the sheet/mattress.

Oh love that's crappy, you do have my sympathies. If it helps, they do say that the crying peaks at 6 weeks so hopefully things will start to improve in the not too distant future 🤞🏻