I hate my life (newborn is 4 weeks)

[TiredMommy93]

I feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life. I've always wanted kids but now that I'm actually going through this phase, I absolutely regret it.

My baby doesn't sleep for more than 1 maybe if all stars align 2 hours at night.
He won't sleep at all unless he's on my chest and when I put him down he starts screaming. I tried to sleep with him on me since we came home but it doesn't work. I can't fall asleep that way.

Some people may think "well what were you expecting? Good question. Nothing. I was naive. My pregnancy was very tough. Me and my baby almost died and labor was hell. There were almost no breaks between contractions and the staff didn't allow an epidural.
Even though I kept screaming "give me an epidural!!" for hours.

Then after we could finally go home I had the worst panic attack imaginable at night from too much stress.

Things got much better since then mentally but I absolutely hate my new life. I'm so incredibly tired I could sleep for one week and still be tired.

When does all of this get better? I can't cope anymore. I'm dying inside. One mom told me today that it doesn't get easier. That just destroyed all hope I had and why the hell do people decide to have 2 or more kids if this is what parenthood is like.

But it's too late now I can't go back to the way it was before.
The time before our relationship consisted only of "who changes the diaper" or "can you please prepare a bottle"

It's not fun. It's not even bearable...
Does it get better or is my life over?

Lol I didn’t get 6 hours uninterrupted sleep with dc2 until he was over 2 years old! But besides that - much sympathy - fourth trimester is tough after a difficult birth. My dc1 had colic, dc2 had reflux and neither slept well on their own. Swaddling helped dc1, but dc2 hated it. I coslept with both my babies, kicked dh out to sleep in spare room and set up my bed as safely as I could. DC1 went into her own cot in her room age 4 months, and I was up out of bed breastfeeding throughout the night, so tiring. With dc2 the reflux was an awful problem so night feeds were tough, and i coslept for nearly 2 years because it was cosy and easy.

you’ll be fine just hang in there!

I don't know. It changes, and everything is a phase Your hormones will start to settle a little, and your body will start adjusting better to the broken sleep. Your body partly adjusts to it's norm. Its no longer a shock, and that helps. And you'll be more recovered from birth, which helps

But I'm not going to echo the 'it'll get better in a few weeks'. Not because I'm some kind of sadistic cow who revels in making new mums feel crap, but because I've seen on mumsnet too many times, women coming back and saying 'you said it would get better, but it hasn't'.Or wondering why their baby isn't sleeping well at 6m, and then they think it's something that they've done wrong.

Also, because they are led to believe that it all suddenly becomes better at 6-8w, they don't involve their partner, they don't ensure a way of carving out rest, sharing etc, because they can power through short term.

As far as sleep goes, I think the reality is that it varies hugely and it doesn't always improve in a linear way, but no matter how tired you are, you get through it eventually. Take a 9m old - some will sleep through, some will take once or twice, and some will sleep worse at 9m than they did at 9d (yep, I'm looking at my two there...), so it's hard for proper to generalise.

It sounds like you are bottle feeding, so share the load! If you share, feeding every 2 hours becomes feeding every 4, which feels much more manageable.

I know it's hard to think straight even exhausted, but try to find ways of shoehorning in that extra rest now, firstly because it gets your ready now, but it also makes life easier for you in the future if your baby doesn't start sleeping better.

I think your body will adjust to the interrupted sleep and you WILL get longer stretches of sleep but it won't be the kind of sleep you used to have. I hated the newborn phase it was relentless, what made it better for me was when my son started smiling and showing me some kind of appreciation, then waking up isn't so bad. It won't be like this forever just take each day at a time. I absolutely agree with you about people having more children, my son is 6 and I have no plans for a second it's very very hard having a newborn and going through pregnancy and a birth beforehand.

My son needed feeding every 2 hrs at that age but by three months was sleeping 12 hours a night every night.

I remember the newborn days! It does get better, and I'm saying that only being 3 months ahead of you. I'll be honest though, they do have sleep regressions - that's what I'm struggling with myself at the minute. Baby started to sleep in his crib for the first time, at about 2 months I think. Now he is refusing to again, and will only sleep ON me, not even next to me on our bed like he used to! I can forget about putting him down for naps too. It seems normal for most babies to go back and forth, so don't feel like this is forever. Some seem lucky with babies that sleep through at the age mine is and to sleep in their own crib/cot. I still don't feel as exhausted as I do in the newborn stage though, as they don't need feeding and changing as much in the night.. mine wakes up mostly to be re-settled within minutes

Op I promise you it definitely does get better! I felt exactly like you and was like ‘what the hell have I done!’ I was unprepared for the sheer magnitude of lifestyle change that incurred, the utter exhaustion and relentlessness. I was so traumatised by the long labour and complications of the birth couple with a high need baby. He didn’t stop screaming when we got home and then we had to take him back to hospital due to him being seriously unwell to which thank god he recovered. Then he screamed all day and night, multiple doctors visits and we finally discovered he now had silent reflux. Due to all this he was always so alert and we never had the ‘2 weeks sleepy baby’ stage. At about 6 weeks it hit me like a ton of bricks that life was never going to be the same. Me and dh were happy and now everything was upside down. I honestly saw no end to it all and it felt suffocating. I was wrong! It got better and honestly the feeds reduce, baby slept longer and longer until eventually he/she is in their own bed all night and you never look back. Sleep deprivation is an absolute killer and there’s reasons it is a form of torture. I promise you do get more and more time to yourself. Ds1 is now 5 years old, at school and an absolute pleasure. I would never go back to my old life now if you paid me. He has enhanced my life so much and I’m happier now than I ever was before. Nice anybody had told me that at the time I would have never believed them. I even had a second one who is now 2 (second time around was a million times easier too). Believe me one day this will all be a distant memory and you’ll find your new normal. At the moment it will feel never ending but one day your baby will be 5 and in school and you’ll look back at baby picture and think omg where did that time go!
I Second hormones as well, trauma from the birth etc. Advice I wish I could have myself if I could do back:

*Give yourself time to recover, do anything to make life easier and don’t overthink things. The housework can wait, have easy meals and don’t try to be super mum. Everything will still be there later, no emergencies.

*Formula feeding is absolutely fine and if breastfeeding proves to not be working fed is best and don’t feel guilty to switch. A Tommie tippie perfect prep machine isn’t the devil and is a utter godsend. Nobody will know no who was breast fed and who wasn’t when the child is in school! Nobody even cares let alone talks about it. The guilt I felt due to feeding was ridiculous and made me ill.

take one day at a time and no expectations or pressure on yourself , Be kind to yourself and rest/take you time where ever possible (let dh or family member help out with baby, baby will survive and bonding with others is great too). Happy Mummy equals happy baby.

*it may not feel like it now but you got this, you will get through this, you will survive and you’ll come out of it stronger.

Hope you feel better op x 💐

😂 I totally agree.

You sure you're not all lying to make me feel better?
I felt very guilty for feeding formula but I had no other choice because I don't produce enough milk. But I pump as much as I can.
My nurse said that studies show that kids who were formula fed have a lower IQ than breast fed babies.
Also as soon as I came home I made the mistake and did alot of housework which seems to have pushed me over the edge.
My body said enough is enough and gave me a panic attack. Even until yesterday I made sure everything is clean because I hate a messy house but fk that. I need rest.
Most people say it gets better at 6 and 8 weeks... But what if not

I promise we're not, OP!

I can't believe you did housework - I didn't move off the sofa / bed for the first few weeks, and even then I was knackered. Your baby does not care how clean the house is. Do what you need to do in terms of baby-related housework (washing babygros and your pjs) and leave it at that! And even that you can get someone else to do for you. Your milk supply will get better when you've had some rest and are eating and drinking well (or at least eating and drinking), but go for formula if that's what will help you right now. Ignore the nurse - a 2021 study showed there is no difference in IQ between a breastfed and formula fed baby. Give it a Google - it's in the PLOS Medicine journal.

It's not going to magically be wonderful at 6-8 weeks, but it will at least change. Baby might sleep better at night but struggle to go down during the day, or sleep like a dream but get bad reflux after feeding or something.. And they will start being able to
interact with you more, and gradually get less scared of the world around them (so less screaming). This initial bone crushing exhaustion won't last for ever, I promise!

Thank you!!!!!! ❤️
I love my baby so much. The sleep deprivation seems to have blurred everything for me. I was an idiot for doing the housework. I cleaned around the clock while baby napped. I woke up and was productive all day...

You need to formally complain about that midwife saying shit about the IQ it's complete bollocks and pressurising.

Of course it gets better, don't listen to that silly person who scared the life out of you!

First baby is one hell of a shock.

But your baby will eventually sleep more, the shock of labour and birth and a newborn will start to fade and you'll start to feel better. I promise you.

In the blink of an eye they'll be running about, talking and laughing and be a proper little person. This newborn phase is so short, even though it can feel; like an endless, hellish endurance test. Hang on in there.

I promise you it gets easier and I promise you that one day you will feel like yourself again and when that day comes not only will you be your fabulous self but you will look at DC and think I did that!

Also that was a fucking shitty thing for your mum to say to you

Bless you. I promise that it gets easier. Then you’ll forget this time and have another! (I kept forgetting!).
It is really hard, lack of sleep makes everything so much harder!
Be kind to yourself you are doing a great job.

You need to speak to your hv and Gp because you very much sound like you have PND. They will able to give you help and support. It is difficult when baby doesn't sleep much, been there done that with my first. It does get better, she did go for longer stretches and I had dh who would take over 4 nights a week so I could sleep. Who is there to help you? Who is supporting you? You do need help so you need to ask for it.

No way I'll have another one... Never again

You're right. I keep reminding myself that it will get better. But time passes slowly but strangely enough so quickly at the same time it seems like forever.
My baby is screaming so much that I have difficulty hearing on both ears. And I also have migraine now.

Maybe some day I will look at him and tell myself that it was worth it. Worth ruining my body and nerves.

Me neither OP. So hold on to that. This is the last time in your life you have to get through this day, this stage, this whatever. You’ll do it, and you never have to do it again.

I would say do get back in touch with your GP - it sounds like it could be post natal anxiety / depression (I know as i experienced it too) it's really common how you're feeling and there is lots of help out there

Most people say it gets better at 6 and 8 weeks... But what if not

Then you'll muddle through until you eventually see the sunlight again.

Seriously though, that's why you need to find a way to get some more sleep now. Because you're right, there is a possibility that it won't get better for longer than that, so build strategies for sharing that are sustainable.

I had a 12 month stretch of my baby not sleeping longer than 2 hours at a time at night (6-18m). I'd have been a zombie if I worked on the assumption that it was a short term problem.

Even if sleep doesn't improve in a few weeks then you'll be more healed from birth and better able to cope.

Withholding sleep is a form of torture for a reason. Sleep deprivation is fucking awful. Why the hell did your midwifes not give you an epidural? Jesus, the birth sounds completely traumatic. And your friend who says it doesn't get any better isn't being a good friend to say it doesn't get better, of course it does. She should be supportive.
I ended up co sleeping with my baby, in the end my body adapted, so hopefully yours will too. Do speak to your midwife in case you have the baby blues, and things certainly feel ten times worse when you are tired, but I promise you, time will make things better, you will adapt and life will definitely get better. You aren't nieve, I felt like I'd been hit like a bus, and my experience wasn't as harsh as yours. Be kind to yourself, I bet you are doing a great job. Xxx

It does get better. My son is a complete joy now he is 2. Babies do get more fun as they get older and once we hit 9 months I started to get more freedom but some people find they can do more from a younger age so it all depends. My son would only sleep for an hour on me from newborn and i was totally sleep deprived. I listened to the health visitor who said never to let him cry and a year later snapped and got millpond sleep consultants involved and since then he's slept most nights 7am to 7pm without waking. I appreciate your baby is still young, but do shifts with your other half, let the baby go in the cot, swaddle and don't be afraid to use dummies or a bottle of formula to top up if your breast feeding. The first few weeks are the hardest but you'll find you're
not alone x

My nurse said that studies show that kids who were formula fed have a lower IQ than breast fed babies.

Ok, I work with statistics and therefore am well qualified to tell you that this is misleading. It's not true if you take into account the other life circumstances of the children. What's going on here is that breastfeeding is far more likely among certain types of mothers (e.g. those who have time to do it and don't have to go back to work at 8 weeks as that's when their maternity pay starts to drop). These mothers, for a range of complicated reasons, are more likely to have children with high IQs. The breastfeeding does not cause the high IQ.

Bottom line: Your clearly loved and cared for baby will not be in any way disadvantaged intellectually by being bottle fed.

I'm not implying that mothers who have to go back to work at 8 weeks don't love and care for their babies, just re-read my comment and realised that's what it sounded like! I just meant that OP is clearly loving her baby and baby is well cared for and that whether she breast feeds is so much less important than that!

Oh love, I can so so sympathise with this. My DS cried and screamed what felt like every waking moment, breastfeeding was a monumental struggle and he never slept. I was exhausted and my nerves and mental health were shredded from all the crying. Time had absolutely no meaning or relevance to me. I had some truly awful thoughts in those first weeks that I shiver at now. I ended up moving in with my inlaws and starting antidepressants, which saved me in the first few months.

I’m not going to lie, the whole of the first year was a struggle for us. DS was a difficult baby and I found it ever so lonely. But it really did get gradually better. My advice would be don’t focus on a specific time. I remember being so crushingly disappointing when things weren’t better at 6 weeks…or 8 weeks…or 12 weeks…or 16 weeks. But I remember quite clearly realising at about 6 months post partum that, despite things still being difficult, they were SIGNIFICANTLY better than the first few weeks. The same thing happened again at 8 months, then 12 months. It’s absolutely fucking brilliant now at 2 years. Toddlers are ridiculous but absolutely gorgeous and hilarious and I’d have 20 of them if I could. That’ll seem such a long way off for you. I used to sob at the thought of months or years of this. But babies change so rapidly it does go quickly, in a strange kind of way.

Please seek support for your mental health. Don’t for one second beat yourself up about formula feeding (wish I hadn’t been so terrified of giving up breastfeeding to be honest) and accept any offer of help now, either for you or for baby. Good luck