I hate my life (newborn is 4 weeks)

[TiredMommy93]

I feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life. I've always wanted kids but now that I'm actually going through this phase, I absolutely regret it.

My baby doesn't sleep for more than 1 maybe if all stars align 2 hours at night.
He won't sleep at all unless he's on my chest and when I put him down he starts screaming. I tried to sleep with him on me since we came home but it doesn't work. I can't fall asleep that way.

Some people may think "well what were you expecting? Good question. Nothing. I was naive. My pregnancy was very tough. Me and my baby almost died and labor was hell. There were almost no breaks between contractions and the staff didn't allow an epidural.
Even though I kept screaming "give me an epidural!!" for hours.

Then after we could finally go home I had the worst panic attack imaginable at night from too much stress.

Things got much better since then mentally but I absolutely hate my new life. I'm so incredibly tired I could sleep for one week and still be tired.

When does all of this get better? I can't cope anymore. I'm dying inside. One mom told me today that it doesn't get easier. That just destroyed all hope I had and why the hell do people decide to have 2 or more kids if this is what parenthood is like.

But it's too late now I can't go back to the way it was before.
The time before our relationship consisted only of "who changes the diaper" or "can you please prepare a bottle"

It's not fun. It's not even bearable...
Does it get better or is my life over?

Honestly I'm surprised and a little anxious because it's going too well atm. My baby suddenly doesn't seem to be colicky anymore. Maybe because I don't shake the bottle but stir the milk with a fork which leads to less bubbles. Also I turned off the TV so he doesn't get overly stimulated. Since then for some reason he slept from 12 pm to 12 am only with 3 hour feeds in between. Today 9 hours. I mean... What the hell. How did this roaring monster get so easy to handle???? Still tired as hell but maybe... There's a light at the end of the tunnel? No... No I won't jinx it...

Our first was a terrible sleeper, barely ever napped during the day either. It was so tough and we got no family support. I did hire a weekly cleaner which helped. Breastfeeding was very challenging and looking back I should have swapped to formula sooner than I did- there's such pressure to BF. Baby was definitely better on formula, but it was still 18 months of pretty severe sleep deprivation. The first 3 months were definitely the worst, I remember me and husband being so depressed with it. It does get better though, you just have to survive the early months, nothing more. We've always said if we'd had another non sleeper that we'd do it in shifts in spare room so that we both get a few hours of sleep at least, whereas we were both being woken constantly at night. Good luck, take care of yourself, as long as baby is fed and changed all will be well, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, I promise! X

@TiredMommy93 that’s awesome OP!

Don’t be discouraged if tomorrow isn’t as good though. This probably IS the light at the end of the tunnel but it just won’t be a smooth upwards trajectory it will probably go up and down a bit still! The thing is after a couple of weeks you’ll realise you‘ve had a handful of better days in amongst the tough ones, and then the couple of weeks after that there’ll be even more better days. And then you’ll realise that your bar for what a bad day is has raised and a bad day now is not as bad as the bad days used to be and so much more manageable.

xxx

Yeah it's gotten worse again. Now he sleeps all day but not during the night. He fusses and screams all night and is awake for 6 hours despite my best efforts to put I'm to sleep.
Having kids sucks and I wouldn't recommend it.

Honesty, you'll get used to the ups and downs, and how one thing improves whilst something else gets harder. Some stages you'll love, others you'll hate, but they are all fleeting.

You'll probably find after a while that you get a better balance of good days to bad, but there'll continue to be periods of a few days/weeks/months (sorry) that feel relentless, and then they'll end and it'll be the next thing.

I'm so sorry. It sounds truly awful. I know I couldn't do it.

Sorry to hear it's got shit again OP, sending lots of hugs and good vibes. Has your DP been able to help much and give you a break at all?

I felt exactly the same as you - I felt I’d ruined my life, made the biggest mistake ever… I regretted it massively. I hated the first 3 months, we both did. Our baby also had colic which basically meant he was crying whenever he was awake. There were no snuggly cuddles on the sofa, or in bed, and I couldn’t breastfeed either. It was just hectic, panic filled madness 24/7.

but at 4 months he started sleeping through. And he’s now the cutest little boy ever. We’re still tired but in a more normal way. Since 4 months we’ve had our evenings back and baby basically goes from 7-7 which is great. It’s much easier now and much more joyful. The newborn days are awful. It gets better I promise. It’s still full on and sometimes I’d love a lie in or day off but I love him so much, he’s so funny and cute and we get so much back from him now (he’s 8 months). It’ll only get better as he starts walking and talking and we can do more things together.

if we hadn’t had him we’d be wishing we could have a baby, so we figured it’s great that we’ve managed to have him. I’ve bow realised that it really does go so quickly. Before we know it he’ll be a moody teen who sleeps until midday and I’ll be able to have lie ins then!

You honestly just have to survive the first 3 months. For us it was total hell, but then it got better. Hang in there x

Total support it gets much better- make some mummy friends even if it’s just the local group. Everyone goes through it and they will be a shoulder to cry on , support etc. Try and pop something with your scent in the babies crib, try swaddle blanket and have it for support , if they will go down without you being there that’s huge as a sleeping baby 24/7 is hard if your so tired. Remember little one is really young and it’s small steps. Contact your HV if you need more support.

Your comment is one of the most helpful. He is 9 weeks old today and I'm close to breaking down. Especially since my boyfriend doesn't help much anymore after returning to work.
How did you get your baby to sleep through the night?

I disagree with the lady who said it doesn’t get easier. My son was a non sleeper for about 2 months and by 3 months he slept from 11pm to 6pm through the night maybe one bottle sometimes but that’s it. He is now one and he sleeps through the night unless he has a bad dream. I recommend Argos snuza hero as I was worried about him stopping breathing but that helped me massively throughout the past year. I’m not pregnant again. The first month was hell as I was recovering from pre eclampsia and I was very unwell when leaving hospital and he wasn’t good during night first couple months but now he is. So don’t lose hope. He could start sleeping through when he gets older like mine did. Good luck 😊

*sorry I meant I am pregnant again so it does get easier 😊

I’m sorry you’re having such a shitty time. I remember well how hard this first weeks and months are.

My first son was a nightmare…..but I still went on to have a second.

I think the first year can be a total blur because different monthly milestone bring different struggles and it really is a case of muddling through as best as you can and waiting for things to get better. Just remember though, that the ‘getting better phase’ hits different babies at different times.

Don’t put an expected time period on when things will get better because all that will lead to is disappointment if your baby reaches that mythical point in time and is still difficult (for want of a much better word).

Just be kind to yourself whilst remembering that every baby is different and take it one day at a time.

@TiredMommy93 I started a thread like this. I think you commented on it actually (in sympathy!) My baby has reflux, I couldn’t breastfeed, I was trying to recover from a c section whilst walking up to 8 miles with her in a sling. I was utterly convinced I had ruined my life.

She’s now 3 months old and it’s better. It’s still hard - she still has reflux but it’s under better control and we have an explanation for it now - but she’s starting to show signs of a personality. She absolutely beams at me when I walk into the room and it makes my day. The hard moments are now balanced out, whereas before, when she was a screaming potato, there was no balance; it was all just shit. Hang in there x

Atm I'm desperately trying to soothe my son and nothings works. I've tried for over 3 hours. And I know the rest of the night won't be better. Yesterday I only had 1 hour of sleep. How can I survive? It's insane. Literally insane. And no one can help me.
When did sleep get better for you??
I swear I won't be able to survive this without help from someone who can keep an eye on him. I'm getting nervous, depressed, angry and all from the lack of sleep.
And he just won't stop fussing?!!!!!!!!!

When did sleep get better for you??

That's really not a question you want the answer to!

In all honesty, some babies sleep better at 3 months, some not for 3 years. if you get someone in the 3m camp here, they'll be reassuring and say that you're nearly there and sleep will improve soon. If you get someone in the 3 years camp they either won't say anything as they don't want to depress you, or they'll share their story of horror.

For me, 6-18m was horrific (waking every hour+), then it got gradually better, with periods of sleeping through from 2, mixed with non sleeping phases. Though last night she was awake from midnight - 4.30, and then up for the day at 6.30 and I'm broken tired. That's unusually bad now though.

Making sure you share the load with your partner is my only real suggestion, as you can't survive on an hour a day. Find ways to shoehorn in more rest etc

I didnt think it was possible to be this tired and still functional, but it is. No driving today though for me.

I hope you managed to have a better night last night.

Almost 10 weeks in and still feels like the biggest mistake of my life. I can't stand his constant neediness. Nothing I do seems to fix it for him. He went from sleeping 3-4 hour stretches to 2 hours and constantly needs to be fed. It's soul destroying. And I don't have much support at home. The next 7 days I won't have any support at all because my boyfriend won't be home. Atm I would quite queerfully jump in front of a bus. Not kidding. I don't get any smiles yet either. It feels as if I'm doing everything wrong and the gp doesn't take me seriously when I tell him something is wrong.

You need to call your GP and ask for an urgent appointment if you’re feeling this low.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds like a mix of PND and your baby going through a regression.
Please speak to your HV or GP and ask for help with how you're feeling.
Could you afford a home help for a couple of hours a day to give you a break? Xx

@TiredMommy93 please please please get some help for yourself. I have been there, I felt like throwing myself off the roof of my house - figured that if I didn’t die, at least I’d be injured enough to go to hospital for a break. Giving up breastfeeding and antidepressants turned it around for me. Lots of love.

I've been there, it's tough.

This might not be relevant, but how is your baby's sleep in the day? I was really struggling with my (now) 4mo until I realised he wasn't getting enough sleep in the day and was overtired, especially on an evening, which caused a lot of fussiness.

He needs support to sleep so it does mean I have to venture out with the carrier or pram at least a couple of times a day, but it has made a massive difference. I also try to plan trips out around his naps to give me a bit of variety, but it's taken until very recently to build up the confidence to do this.

He sleeps better now. It was probably a growth spurt. Now he sleeps well again. I'm only frustrated by my boyfriend who doesn't care about my feelings at all. I cry and I ask for help and he just ignores me.

@TiredMommy93 I’m sorry to hear that. Are you able to leave him? Live with family? He sounds like a waste of space x

He apologized to me and asked how I feel every day from then on. Btw baby is 10 1/2 weeks old and it's MUCH better!!! He has his day and night fixed and is much more aware of his surroundings and I can even lay him down for 5-10 mins to make food in the kitchen.
Sleep is so so essential for mental health. I've never realised that before having him.
Maybe he'll even have a sibling one day even though I promised myself I'd never do it again. And to anyone who says it never gets better. It does. You get more sleep and it's a whole different world. Baby starts to smile every now and then and is less fussy in general compared to the early weeks. I can't wait for the following months and seeing him grow. I'm sure there will be ups and downs and I'll sometimes have a breakdown. I almost had one during his last growth spurt where I got no sleep and felt like I was back to the early days. But that got better 2 or 3 days later and he changed so much since then.