I hate my life (newborn is 4 weeks)

[TiredMommy93]

I feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life. I've always wanted kids but now that I'm actually going through this phase, I absolutely regret it.

My baby doesn't sleep for more than 1 maybe if all stars align 2 hours at night.
He won't sleep at all unless he's on my chest and when I put him down he starts screaming. I tried to sleep with him on me since we came home but it doesn't work. I can't fall asleep that way.

Some people may think "well what were you expecting? Good question. Nothing. I was naive. My pregnancy was very tough. Me and my baby almost died and labor was hell. There were almost no breaks between contractions and the staff didn't allow an epidural.
Even though I kept screaming "give me an epidural!!" for hours.

Then after we could finally go home I had the worst panic attack imaginable at night from too much stress.

Things got much better since then mentally but I absolutely hate my new life. I'm so incredibly tired I could sleep for one week and still be tired.

When does all of this get better? I can't cope anymore. I'm dying inside. One mom told me today that it doesn't get easier. That just destroyed all hope I had and why the hell do people decide to have 2 or more kids if this is what parenthood is like.

But it's too late now I can't go back to the way it was before.
The time before our relationship consisted only of "who changes the diaper" or "can you please prepare a bottle"

It's not fun. It's not even bearable...
Does it get better or is my life over?

I've always told new parents that the first 6 weeks are about survival. Do what you need to do to survive and you and your partner be kind to each other. Waking every couple of hours is perfectly normal for a 4 week old. It's called the 4th trimester. Do you have a supportive partner?
Parenthood is hard, the challenges do change at different ages but my daughter brings me so much joy.

If course it gets better!!! For us at about 5 ish weeks baby stopped screaming crying for hours in the evening with no discernable cause. Once you hit 3 months it gets easier again. But yeah, it's all about surviving at the beginning.

Can a family member come and help?
Go and see the health visitor or ask for a visitor. They are there to help.
Baby massage can also be good.
habe your partner take over when they get home. You can shower. Have a rest etc.
is your partner helping in the nights? He should be.
It does get better. It really does. Don’t be shy of seeking help if you are worried about your mental health.

Oh my goodness of course it gets better! I hated the first 9 or so weeks. I was an exhausted, emotional, permanently in pain wreck and DS did nothing but cry, refuse to sleep or breastfeed. I genuinely thought I had ruined my entire life. The first year definitely has its ups and downs, but despite this it still got easier with each passing day from 3-4 months.

Hes a 2 year old now and he’s an absolute legend. I love parenting him. Keep swimming! X

Because babies are cute and memories are short. It's hard for you to believe right now, but I had a hellish experience with DS as a newborn and even though I know I absolutely don't want any more DC, after 3.5 years my brain has still managed to forget quite how bad it was and convince me I might want to at least consider another...

I think too many people make things difficult for themselves.
Co sleep, learn to feed lieing down so u just briefly wake up to latch baby on then go right back to sleep.
Days are for sitting on the sofa feeding/holding baby and occasionally manage to do smt whilst baby can be put down for a short while. Keep a supply of nappy changing stuff by where u sit and snacks. Short walks outside are good for u and baby.
OP has no other kids, so nothing stopping her from resting.
Dont be a martyr and just get on with it.
Rest and eat.

Op, I promise promise promise it gets better. You're in the shit right now. I had a screaming newborn, all day, every day. My friend told me with her two, it lasted until 4 months and all I could think was, 3 more months of this? I can't do it. It does not feel like it now but it'll drift by and it DOES get better. It got better for us at 3 and a half months then a little better again at 6 and by 9, I'd say I was finally happy being a mum. The sleep got better at 1 year.

now I have a 22 month old who is amazing, funny, and I'm even pregnant again after swearing I'd never do it again.

Post birth hormones are insane and can play all sorts of trickery with your brain....I notice saying you had a traumatic labour - that can have some big ripples for months after a birth, cause PTSD and affect bonding. Was it your first baby? Would you be comfortable speaking to your health visitor, telling them how you feel? You can access counselling and support quickly with you being a new mum. You could have post natal depression or birth trauma, might be worth investigating and having some logical reason for how you feel might make you feel better. Don't feel bad on your own, it will get better xx

Its weird that we don’t talk about this. Everyone I know has felt similar. I cried so much and regretted my decision to have DS at all. I found the first six months incredibly tough but a switch flipped and I realised “I’ve got this” and it suddenly got better. It’s still utterly relentless a year on. When people ask me about parenthood I reply it’s “okay”. There are highs and lows but mostly it’s just fine. I’ve no idea what the coming years will bring.

It will get better, you are in the thick of it now, but the first 6 weeks are a little milestone and things get easier, then the next 6 weeks. After the fourth trimester (12 weeks) things felt a lot easier - started sleeping in slightly longer chunks, found my rhythm!
By 6 months, it will be a distant memory!
Some people find the newborn stage easy, and as they get more mobile, harder. I found the newborn stage horrendous, but it def gets easier!!

I wish I could just birth out a 1 yr old for number 2 🤣.

But take any help you can get, get your partner to do as much as he can, if BF'ing - nappies, changes, baths to give you some downtime!
In a few weeks if you want to start expressing, get someone to do early morning / late night feed so give you a bigger chunk!
You've got this, it will get easier, just hang in there 💐💐

I now have a six year old and a nearly four year old and they will bring you absolutely bloody moments of joy, bring you to tears, make you want to trip up any other child who is horrible to yours, drive you insane when you think you can't cope with any more noise and make you howl laughing when you least expect it. It is a brilliant and brutal rollercoaster. But it's worth it. I promise x

Oh your poor thing. Your post brings me back, thought I'd made the worst mistake ever. Was talking about giving baby away, felt like I was just going through the motions, changing nappy, feeding, no real love tbh. Took a few months till I'd recovered physically from a rough birth & then it all started to come together. No one talks about it. You will get there, it will honestly get better. X

This is so normal. You have been through such a huge trauma. Giving birth and having a baby is traumatic, even if there weren’t complications. Having to have the baby sleep on you… I remember that stress well. The lack of sleep really doesn’t help your mental health if there is anyway you can get some rest. Do it in the day if you’re not going to get it in the night. It will take you ages to recover from the trauma of this. Ages. Don’t believe any of that ‘fully recovered in 6 weeks’ absolute bullshit. Also, everyone lies about how difficult it is. That person that was honest with you today, meet you with her for coffee. You need people around you that will be real and allow you to be real.

I think you block out how bad it can be. I was so traumatised with my first… then my second had a better birth but then was a really high needs baby with health issues. He was unhappy all the time but he was severely allergic to my cats and dairy so he was constantly being poisoned. My second DC was actually worse and still is SUCH a handful but I’m about to have my third. 3 under 3… I am absolutely dreading the first 6 months, to a year. I hate the baby stage but it’s worth it.

As time goes on you’ll be able to gage whether there is an issue making things worse or if it’s just a matter of adjusting to having your life taken over. Be easy on yourself

Us mother’s feel you. I think it’s the shock that it’s now a 24/7 responsible for this little person that makes the first few weeks so demanding physically and emotionally.
please believe me when I say, it really will get better please be kind to yourself and let your love ones help and don’t forget to ask for support.

Posts like yours keep me sane and optimistic that things will get better. Thank you.
A 5 hour stretch would be absolutely fantastic. If it only takes 2 more weeks I can surely make it till then. Let's hope it won't take 8 or even 12 weeks instead.
My partner is watching the baby for the night today. I might get 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

You will feel like a new woman for a few hours uninterrupted sleep.

Just keep going, it will be better really soon I promise. Do let us know how you are getting on

It does get better. When DS was a few weeks old I gave him to DP in the middle of the night saying I hated him and to give him to a better mother.

I didn't hate him, I just hated the situation I was in. I hated the sleep deprivation and feeling like I was doing everything wrong.

No sleep makes everything so so hard. It takes the relentless difficulty of having a newborn and being a new mother and compounds it. When you can get some sleep you'll feel so much better.

If your partner is watching the baby tonight I guess that means you're bottle feeding? In which case it should be easy to get a good chunk of sleep. Me and DP had to take it in turns to sleep for the first month or two, he's a night owl so would stay up until 2am with the baby and just bring him to me for feeds and then I would take over after that. Not ideal but it meant we both got a good chunk of sleep.

It does get better. But you sound like you had a horrendous birth experience and may be suffering from some PTSD and or PND. Not helped by massive sleep deprivation. DS was also a TERRIBLE sleeper so I know what you are talking about. I lost weight when I was pregnant and I remember once pushing the pram around the neighbourhood, desperately trying to get DS to sleep with tears pouring down my face while I tried to think of any good things about him being here.... and the fact that I'd lost weight was the only one I could think of.

at 6 weeks, even if the sleep is still bad, it does seem to get better. I'm not quite sure why. And again at 12 weeks.

In the meantime, it sounds like your DH is supportive which is good. Mine sent me for a massage alone at about 5 weeks post partum and insisted I stay out for something to eat after. It was so hugely beneficial to just not be WITH the baby for a bit. My mum also came to stay and was really good about having DS downstairs while I went upstairs to sleep. DH would then take over in the early hours and it gave me a chance to get a solid few hours between say 7-3. Not exactly ideal sleep timing, but it was better than nothing.

You think if a mother's struggling it's her own fault because she picked a shit partner?

You can still struggle with motherhood even if you have the world's most supportive partner anyway.

have You ruled out any health issues?
silent reflux? babies with this don’t like laying flat
tongue tie?
gas? How long do you wind for after feeds?
cows milk allergy- what are their poops like?

there is a really good Instagram account heysleepybaby that shows what normal baby sleep is like.

It absolutely does get better! I remember those first few weeks thinking, what the hell have I got myself into here. It all just felt so relentless and I was constantly exhausted. And then one night, my little one started sleeping longer between wakes ups. And then longer and longer. He’s one in two weeks and sleeping through the night. Every moment with him now is enjoyable. Wait until your little one starts realising the world around him, it honestly brings you so much joy. There is nothing comparable to your child laughing.
For now, sleep as much as you can. I was silly and put cleaning the house and running errands over napping when baby naps. Get your partner to take him in the evening so you can have a couple hours. Nice long baths when you get a chance, you need down time as much as possible.

Promise, it’s not tough forever. You’ll eventually get into a routine that works for everyone.

Our DD would only sleep on me at the beginning so I strapped her in my dressing gown and we both slept safely. Or I wore husband's hoody and zipped her up in the day time that worked too.

She is 5 months now and it sounds crazy but I miss her sleeping on me sometimes.

It will get easier I promise X

I have a DS - 16 weeks, FTM. I can’t add much to what others have already said but I promise it absolutely does get better. When people told me a few weeks in what things would be like at 6 weeks or 12 weeks, I thought “that’s agggges away” - it seemed impossible that we’d get to that point. But you just do - the days and weeks pass and suddenly it’s easier. And the smiles - I promise they will make everything better.

A friend sent me this Insta post a few weeks in and it really helped me.

Hang in there x

This is so so normal. Nothing can prepare you for the intensity and chronic sleep deprivation of your first baby.

It does get easier. All babies are different but I found that DD started to sleep longer stretches at 8 weeks old and then by 3 months she woke twice per night. She slept through (11 hours) for the first time at 8.5 months old. At the time I said I would never, ever do it again.