I hate my life (newborn is 4 weeks)

[TiredMommy93]

I feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life. I've always wanted kids but now that I'm actually going through this phase, I absolutely regret it.

My baby doesn't sleep for more than 1 maybe if all stars align 2 hours at night.
He won't sleep at all unless he's on my chest and when I put him down he starts screaming. I tried to sleep with him on me since we came home but it doesn't work. I can't fall asleep that way.

Some people may think "well what were you expecting? Good question. Nothing. I was naive. My pregnancy was very tough. Me and my baby almost died and labor was hell. There were almost no breaks between contractions and the staff didn't allow an epidural.
Even though I kept screaming "give me an epidural!!" for hours.

Then after we could finally go home I had the worst panic attack imaginable at night from too much stress.

Things got much better since then mentally but I absolutely hate my new life. I'm so incredibly tired I could sleep for one week and still be tired.

When does all of this get better? I can't cope anymore. I'm dying inside. One mom told me today that it doesn't get easier. That just destroyed all hope I had and why the hell do people decide to have 2 or more kids if this is what parenthood is like.

But it's too late now I can't go back to the way it was before.
The time before our relationship consisted only of "who changes the diaper" or "can you please prepare a bottle"

It's not fun. It's not even bearable...
Does it get better or is my life over?

Not everyone can co sleep, feed lying down or wake briefly and go back to sleep. Some babies scream the house down if you try to simply sit on the sofa with them and if you put them down even for a few minutes. I had to constantly move with my dd in the newborn months or she would scream her head off. My nerves were in shreds. Every day I used to think this is silly, I’ll just set myself up comfortably and she will be comfortable and it’ll be fine…and I used to end up pacing around the apartment with her in my arms. And some of them can’t stand the pram or being in a harness so short walks are a nightmare. Everyone’s experience is different. It’s unfair to call anyone a martyr because what worked for you doesn’t work for them.

When dc1 was the same age and went through the colic/purple crying phase, I'd shove him in a sling and walk on the busiest roads in our area. Some nights I'd be walking at 11pm. I'd pop earbuds in and just listen to music, podcasts, radio or audio books. He's soon settle, usually at about the same point and I'd walk a mile further to make sure 😆

We got good at the transfer from sling to bed and would settle for a time. I actually found the walking outside, even if he was screaming, much easier as it wasn't bouncing off the walls and making me feel so close. Ds2 was a mid winter babe and I did the same, just more blankets and hats!

Definitely gets better.
One of mine slept through the night at 4 months the other at 6 months and I didn’t do anything special apart from not fuss them much beyond feeding/nappy change because I was knackered at night.
Of course all babies are different but the newborn stage is the hardest because they are so tiny. Just take it one day at a time and know that it will get better.

i take it this is your first baby. All i can say is , hang in there Mama IT DOES GET BETTER, MUCH BETTER!!! When i brought my first baby home, i cried from the hospital all the way home, i used to hold him and jus look at him and and wonder how am i gona do this. I've brought this life into to this world and he is dependent on ME to keep him alive. it was scary. Also the sleepless nights was a nightmare, i tried breastfeeding but my nipples were bruised and more painful than giving birth. I used to feed him with eyes closed half asleep wondering the same, why do people have more kids after going through this. I used to look at my body and cry, he used to cry wen i just got in the shower, i'd have to run out to sooth him. BUT he grew, and days turned into weeks, weeks into months and he slept longer and just brought the most joy into my life. i eventually forgot all the pain and stress and had my second child 5 years later :)

You will be fine, trust in that.

Thanks. I hope it gets better soon. I'm very tired and exhausted. And my post partum body is a nightmare. I look 10 years older...

It's more overwhelming when it's your first baby. You don't know what to expect and it all hits you like a bus. It's a change, but you will adapt. I remember just waiting to go back to work so things could feel 'normal' again, but after 6 months of maternity leave my new baby became my new 'normal' and I was so depressed to leave him that I actually quit my job to stay home and raise him.
I totally understand the body thing, I used to look at myself in the mirror and cry, i looked like a deflated balloon,. bloated and saggy. my friends who've had kids before me assured me that it will get better and my body still has to heal and get back into shape, and it did.
Kids grow. Give your baby all your love because to him you are his world. You will eventually catch up on sleep but you will never get these days back, they grow soooo fast.

The mum was lying. It does get better. There are different challenges but you will rarely be so sleep deprived as the first few weeks, particularly as you are also healing from birth which needs sleep.
my baby was like yours. She wouldn’t be put down, the only way I survived was to get my mum to split the night with me and then I could get a chunk of sleep in. (My husband did the same when he wasn’t on shift).

what you are feeling is awful, can you reach out to a GP for some support?

Hi I'm so sorry to hear your not having a great time being mummy it is a stress and a struggle but it's still early days.
Are you breastfeeding by any chance?
Also I found a great routine worked wonders for my lo.
A red night light and a white noise machine also I used to Velcro swaddle or a swaddle up.
My lo slept like a dream after the first 2 weeks.
Do you have family to help you sounds like you do need a good sleep to pick yourself back up and get stronger for you and lo
I hope this helps ❤️

@AliceMorgan76 what an unhelpful comment.

I felt similar to this, it was all a sleep-deprived haze. I was saved at about 3 weeks:

co-sleeping -baby wants to be by you all night to feel safe so that's what I did, just me and her, and viola, no sleep deprivation. Just wake up and feed back to sleep.

Baby groups -all day every day just letting her play on the mat while I chatted to other mums and chilled.

Not expecting her to sleep -putting her in a sling and just having her on me as I went about my day.

Ring sling -can feed in it and live in it, no worrying about getting on a bus with a buggy.

Basically going back to basics and stop trying to train or modify a baby, just responding to their needs and existing together.

I wonder what that was about

Hope you're ok OP. I remember crying when my DS was newborn about never having a lazy breakfast again.

You are taking the extension paper of parenting as you have a more difficult baby. My friend had a baby this week who is doing 12 hours asleep alone in her cot waking up twice for quick feeds.. it's a different world to my and your experience. I had a lot of symptoms of PND but it was just total sleep deprivation.

However, rest assured that this means it will get easier and easier from hereon in. I remember mum friends moaning how hard they were finding it when their babies started moving. These were friends who had been working/baking/napping while they had a newborn who was napping In a basket or placidly laid on a playmat. I found crawling a cinch compared to the absolute hell of sleep deprivation and constant crying.

When did it get better for you? Mine is 6 weeks and it's getting a little better sleep wise but the colicks are still a nightmare... And he never sleeps in his own crib.

It’s shit.. my only child is 3years old next month and life is hell :) so tired and drained and sick of having eyes in the back of my head
my head is fried
what age will it get better anyone ? x

@Moonchair1 when they go to school!

@Blackmagicqueen she starts nursery in September for 3hrs a day 🙋🏼‍♀️ Lol xxx

Oh OP it does get better. I don't think enough people talk about how much of a shock having a baby can be. Especially when you have had a hard pregnancy and labour aswell. I think it is quite common to feel the way you do but most people are to scared to say it for fear of judgement.
I can't remember exactly when it did get easier. Someone did say the 6-8 week mark but I think it depends on your circumstances and things like how well your baby sleeps. My DD was similar to your DC she also slept a lot more in the day.
For me I did feel more myself when she was about 5/6 months.
I now have two DC. The second I was much more mentally prepared for.

All I can say is when it's really bad, take it one day or even one hour at a time. At some point you will realise it's not as hard as it was.

I remember feeling this way with my oldest. That child is 17yrs now. I remember thinking my life was over. I did not have PND it was just a HUGE shock and extremely hard. It got so much better I went on to choose to have three more babies. Nothing since has been as hard as those first few weeks. Someone told me I had to surrender to my baby and let them be in charge. They were right but it only made sense to me afterwards. Reading Naomi Stadlen "What Mothers do, even when it looks like nothing" was the only thing I found reassuring. All other books were total shite. And spending time with other first time mothers of newborns -the ones who didn't lie -who generally I found at breastfeeding groups.

Sending all the love. X

@Moonchair1 woo hoo!! Freedom!! 🎊xx

It got better between 3 and 4 months for me. Wind/colic got better and started being able to put him down for bedtime at 7ish meaning i had an evening back.

@TiredMommy93 sending solidarity, I have a 14wo and can totally relate.

Not to disappoint, but I would avoid fixating too much on when things will get better. I had so many friends say 6 weeks, 3 months, etc and it set unrealistic expectations as I got towards these magical dates and was disappointed that my baby didn't suddenly change overnight.

What I will say is it does get gradually easier. You get to know your baby better, and things do genuinely improve. My baby was described as 'colicky' at his 8wk checkup after I explained his symptoms (gassy, crying on evenings). I upped my frequency of tummy massages and invested in some Infacol, but over the last couple of weeks I have noticed a vast improvement in these symptoms.

Each stage brings new challenges, so I'm just trying to take things day by day, celebrate the wins, and not dwell too much on the bad days. It is hard but it will get better.

I can relate to this so much. We have 7 month old twins and still don't know how we survived the early weeks. Sleep (or lack of!) was just a total obsession as we were getting none and the total lack of structure and predictability of it all was awful.

Yes everyone tells you that you'll be tired but truly we had no idea and felt totally naive until it happened.

What I'd say is if at all possible, outsource whatever you can to make your life easier. Live on ready meals, get a cleaner (or an obliging family member), have a recurring online supermarket delivery, live in your PJs and just survive the next few weeks. It'll gradually get easier and you'll start getting your evenings back and wonder what to do with yourself x

OP I was you 2.5 years ago. Awful labour, got home to a baby that needing feeding and holding all the time. Genuinely cried with regret and wondered why I'd ruined my life

It gets better

It gets good

It gets enjoyable

It gets amazing!!

Honestly it does. I also swore I'd never have another. I'm sitting here with my second who is 5 months old now. The difference between first baby and second is simply the knowledge that you KNOW it gets better. You're not panicking that this sleep deprivation and torture lasts forever....you know everything is a phase and so you're better equipped to deal with it

I also formula fed and my first had silent reflux. I changed his powder and it made a massive difference to his sleep.

I'd say it really started to get better between 3-4 months. You get smiles, hints of personality, better sleep and a few giggles.

My advice: don't worry about making a rod for your own back-do whatever you need to to survive those first few months. With my second, I've had him in my bed, he has no 'routine' and sleeps when he's tired. It is honestly freeing!

Unfollow all those parenting insta accounts that make you feel like shit. Don't do wonder weeks app as you'll constantly be looking and worrying about the next 'leap' and don't download apps like huckleberry who make you log everything-you easily become obsessed!!!

And mostly-leave the housework to your partner 😊

Welcome to the wonderful terrible torturous amazing world of motherhood!!

My nurse said that studies show that kids who were formula fed have a lower IQ than breast fed babies*

My ds was formula fed. He’s in the top 1% IQ wise.

l remember feeling like you. The shock, the tiredness, the never ending cycle.

It gets loads better. Loads. He’s 28 now and we’re best friends. Dd was terrible sleeper. She’s 15 now and hilarious. You just have to get through it. And you will