Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

11 yo DD just hit me and pushed me to the ground.

619 replies

reallyupset11yodd · 27/03/2022 19:12

Looking for some advice. Background is DD does have a temper and has pushed her younger brother and is the most challenging of my children. She is not spoilt but has a lovely family, home, school, friends, a phone and laptop.

DH is away all weekend and I am alone with 3 kids for mothers day. I said at dinner time to DD (11) and DS (9) I was hurt they hadn't given a card or gift for mothers day. DS immediately felt awful, ran to get the gift he had previously bought me and he and youngest DD (2) gave me a cuddle and apologised. DS then told DD she should be doing something (dh had apparently left a box of chocs and card with DD for her to give me). DD chased DS and hurt him, I sent hereto her room and followed her upstairs. I told her she could still eat dinner but I would be taking the lollipops she had saved in her drawer so she wouldn't eat them. She launched herself at me, pushed me to the ground and hit me in the head while screaming swear words at me. I calmly took her laptop, ipad and phone.

She has since told me she wishes I would die, she has pulled all the bedding off all beds and pulled my office drawers out so my work is all over the office.

I don't know what to do. I am sat here crying wondering how it could get to this point. What would you do in my situation?

OP posts:
sirensscreech · 27/03/2022 19:14

De-escalate. Let her calm down and issue consequences later.
Are you injured? Do you need help?

Comedycook · 27/03/2022 19:14

I said at dinner time to DD (11) and DS (9) I was hurt they hadn't given a card or gift for mothers day

I'm not excusing her behaviour but I don't think you should have said this. They are really young still and most kids wouldn't remember without another adult to prompt them.

Original poster
reallyupset11yodd · 27/03/2022 19:17

Thanks both, I'm ok she is strong and the 3 punches really landed on my head and I can still feel where she hit me but am not hurt. This is not anything that I am familiar with and has shaken me.

Comedy - I wasn't sure if I should say anything but she is 12 in a few weeks and DH had reminded her this morning apparently a couple of times. I wasn't rude or nasty it was more to the point that we need tone considerate of others at times and my feelings are a bit hurt.

OP posts:
Rainallnight · 27/03/2022 19:17

I’m so sorry this happened. It’s really distressing. I think you’re in first aid mode now, so the best you can do is to make sure you take care of yourself and that everyone is safe till your DH gets back (when is that?).

Beyond that, it sort of depends on what the back story is. Has she done anything like this before? Does she have any SEN or emotional and behavioural problems?

Billybagpuss · 27/03/2022 19:20

Has she maybe eaten the chocolates and panicked.

I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. I agree give her time to calm down. Take a moment to yourself, put the house straight in a while.

Is she usually challenging? If not she’ll feel awful about this later 💐

Original poster
reallyupset11yodd · 27/03/2022 19:21

I am worried for her, how could she be so violent? Does anyone have any experience of this?

I have tried to de-escalate and have left her in her room, I haven't raised my voice but have said it's not acceptable behaviour and I am disappointed in her. When what I really want to do is lose my shit and scream too....

OP posts:
DaffTheDoggo · 27/03/2022 19:22

That sounds awful- are you ok?

Does she have any SEN? Is this out of character? I’d be thinking about seeing a psychologist who specialises in adolescent behaviour, if you can.

Quartz2208 · 27/03/2022 19:23

What is she like at school? Has she always been like this or is it a more recent thing?

I think you need some professional involvement though OP it definitely is something that needs looking into

Pumperthepumper · 27/03/2022 19:23

I think you need to calm yourself down. You guilt tripped her and backed her into a corner. Do further punishments mean she didn’t push you? No. So give them back and talk to her about her reaction.

Original poster
reallyupset11yodd · 27/03/2022 19:23

No special needs, is a high achiever and sporty sandlots of friends. But she has always had a temper and struggled to keep it in check.

I hope she does feel awful later, I worry she is missing empathy (which is part of what prompted me to mention it earlier as she is by default quite selfish).

Thanks all, it's quite isolating. I have spoken to DH who is home very late tonight, he feels awful and said he is so sorry he's not here for me/us right now.

OP posts:
HumunaHey · 27/03/2022 19:24

Has she experienced anything traumatic in her childhood?

Long term I would take her to a GP or some kind of professional. Violent outbursts shouldn't be accepted as the morm and she will only get bigger and stronger.

DaffTheDoggo · 27/03/2022 19:25

Baffled by PP criticising what OP said and did. Absolutely nothing she did justified this violent response.

Original poster
reallyupset11yodd · 27/03/2022 19:25

was it a guilt trip? I really wasn't aiming for that, I was aiming for empathy and a reaction of "oh god yes I should have given mum the card Dad got her'.

I didn't;t have to say anything and I do regret it now given what has happened but her reaction is not ok.

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 27/03/2022 19:27

@reallyupset11yodd

was it a guilt trip? I really wasn't aiming for that, I was aiming for empathy and a reaction of "oh god yes I should have given mum the card Dad got her'.

I didn't;t have to say anything and I do regret it now given what has happened but her reaction is not ok.

It was a guilt trip, and you know it was. She’s 11 years old, she has very little control over her life. So you introduced the conversation, punished her, followed her, punished her again, she reacted violently and…you punished her more. Massive communication breakdown, and you’re the adult in this situation.
Original poster
reallyupset11yodd · 27/03/2022 19:27

No trauma, a loving family and what should be a lovely life. I am supportive and I think a decent parent, as is DH.

Would GP be the first contact? Would I do it with her in the room or a private chat first?

OP posts:
Clymene · 27/03/2022 19:28

What is she doing now?

I'm sorry, it sounds really frightening

NrlySp · 27/03/2022 19:29

I think you need DH to deal with this. He can speak to her. She needs to apologize and some kind of retribution for 1. Attacking you 2. Messing up your work
The apology as well as verbal could also incident a card.
She could also be asked what can she do to make it up to you. If she doesn’t suggest something then some form of chore would be appropriate.
Pre teens can be very selfish, teens even more so - there’s a developmental reason for this.
But you and DH need to present a United front.

Stomacharmeleon · 27/03/2022 19:29

Sorry @reallyupset11yodd I really think you did nothing wrong. Your daughter needs some help as physically attacking you is shocking. I am so sorry this has happened to you today.

Clymene · 27/03/2022 19:29

She hurt her sibling @Pumperthepumper. Was the op supposed to just let that go? Confused

OutlookStalking · 27/03/2022 19:29

Ithink you probably need some outside help. She sounds emotionally disregulated and struggling to manage her emotions.

This tricky thing is that when a child gets like this taking things away from them just makes it worse. It's like baiting a bull and making them "see red" so the more you kept taking from her the worse she is getting. A bit like when kids prod a child prone to anger in the playground and then they flip! In terms of "management techniques" its worth seeing our own part in trying to manage a situation.

There's a really good book by Ross Green called "explosive child" if you are a reader.

Original poster
reallyupset11yodd · 27/03/2022 19:30

pumper I appreciate your response but I really can't agree about the guilt trip. Maybe I did escalate by following her, but I don't think it would be ok for her to hurt her brother, not eat dinner and then sit in her room eating sweets and talking to friends which is what would have happened had I not followed her.

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 27/03/2022 19:31

@Clymene

She hurt her sibling *@Pumperthepumper*. Was the op supposed to just let that go? Confused
No, the op was supposed to stop that happening. Although there’s very little detail about that, how did she hurt her brother?

Is it possible she’s eaten the chocolates and was too embarrassed to say?

Pumperthepumper · 27/03/2022 19:31

@reallyupset11yodd

pumper I appreciate your response but I really can't agree about the guilt trip. Maybe I did escalate by following her, but I don't think it would be ok for her to hurt her brother, not eat dinner and then sit in her room eating sweets and talking to friends which is what would have happened had I not followed her.
But so what if that had happened? Surely that would be better than this outcome?
Clymene · 27/03/2022 19:31

And I agree that you have done nothing wrong @reallyupset11yodd

Original poster
reallyupset11yodd · 27/03/2022 19:32

will order that book thanks Outlook.

Am just about to debate and bed for the toddler swill check in after. Thanks all, I feel less alone. x

OP posts: