11 yo DD just hit me and pushed me to the ground.

[reallyupset11yodd]

Looking for some advice. Background is DD does have a temper and has pushed her younger brother and is the most challenging of my children. She is not spoilt but has a lovely family, home, school, friends, a phone and laptop.

DH is away all weekend and I am alone with 3 kids for mothers day. I said at dinner time to DD (11) and DS (9) I was hurt they hadn't given a card or gift for mothers day. DS immediately felt awful, ran to get the gift he had previously bought me and he and youngest DD (2) gave me a cuddle and apologised. DS then told DD she should be doing something (dh had apparently left a box of chocs and card with DD for her to give me). DD chased DS and hurt him, I sent hereto her room and followed her upstairs. I told her she could still eat dinner but I would be taking the lollipops she had saved in her drawer so she wouldn't eat them. She launched herself at me, pushed me to the ground and hit me in the head while screaming swear words at me. I calmly took her laptop, ipad and phone.

She has since told me she wishes I would die, she has pulled all the bedding off all beds and pulled my office drawers out so my work is all over the office.

I don't know what to do. I am sat here crying wondering how it could get to this point. What would you do in my situation?

It’s simply not true that you can say it is something in the family dynamic that has caused this for sure. Maybe it is, like all these posts no one really knows anyone’s home life, but equally it maybe something that has happened to her outside the home. We experienced this and it was not something that was happening in the home it was something that had happened to my child outside

I think the thing is though that she has snapped for some reason - whether because of something in the home, or from outside.

@beastlyslumber
One thing that strikes me is that this child has a phone, an ipad and a laptop in her bedroom. Is any of that supervised, or does she just have free access to the internet? Because I'd be concerned about what she is seeing and experiencing online

I absolutely agree. I mentioned before but apart from you I think no one else has mentioned this. Isn’t it widespread knowledge now how possibly dangerous, and certainly not the best thing for a child, this is?

This whole thread smacks of victim blaming, however vociferously posters claim that they're 'just trying to help'..

Hardly any sympathy at all for OP, just a thinly veiled "you brought it on yourself" or "you made her do this" or "it's your fault"

There is virtually no advice given in an empathetic way. Even suggestions to help the DD are given in a very judgmental tone. This is not a child who has 'just' lashed out and slapped her mum. This is one who forced her to the ground and punched her in the head three times. And it's not 'come out of nowhere' as OP has already said that the girl has temper issues.

OP must be traumatised, and her DD needs a prompt referral for help. Speculating on the home life is unhelpful because none of us know what it's like based on a single account of an interaction at the lunch table that lasted a minute or so. But the trauma on both sides is real, whatever any background

Ignore the pile on posts, they are just posting for their own reasons.

It all sounds horrible, for you and your dd.

I think I’d be looking at getting a well qualified therapist involved to help unravel what’s going on.

Good luck

[quote ScrollingLeaves]@beastlyslumber
One thing that strikes me is that this child has a phone, an ipad and a laptop in her bedroom. Is any of that supervised, or does she just have free access to the internet? Because I'd be concerned about what she is seeing and experiencing online

I absolutely agree. I mentioned before but apart from you I think no one else has mentioned this. Isn’t it widespread knowledge now how possibly dangerous, and certainly not the best thing for a child, this is?[/quote]
I mentioned this yesterday. Is her viewing monitored?
Could she be being bullied online?
Or is all this tech at such a young age an example of her being, dare I say, a little spoilt?

@saraclara

Shame on you for potentially overlooking a child’s distress. The trauma IS real that’s the only thing you’ve said I agree with. None of us know the finer details but just throwing around the words “victim blaming” because someone has thought about the wider determinants of this is utterly short sighted.

I'm not overlooking the child at all. As I said further up, I taught troubled teens in a specialist facility for some years, so I'm very well aware of the causes and issues involved for both those children and their families.

What I'm pointing it is that the mother is being overlooked in this thread as anything other than a verbal punching bag by the majority of posters while everyone focuses on the needs of the girl who aggressively actually punched her repeatedly.

BOTH need support, as do the siblings who witnessed this. Which is why I've implored the OP to talk to someone and get a referral for that very troubled child, and some support for herself.

You’ve contributed nothing new to the discussion. It has been mentioned that family therapy would be the ideal thing to pursue here.

A referral to who and what exactly? You do realise girls who display traumatic reactions get pathologised which is essentially also victim blaming?

the issue is a potential family dynamic where he’s allowed to “join in” if his older sister is in trouble, or where she’s continually compared negatively to him. Comparison between siblings is rarely if ever a good thing imo

But this is a fabrication @BingBangB0ng . Or might be. We have no idea whether the mother compares her children with one another or not. The brother might have been shit-stirring, or he might genuinely have been reminding his sister that their dad wanted her to hand over a card and some chocolates. We don't know which was the case. Anyone with more than one child would probably agree that it's impossible to know every single time, even if you are there to witness it. Children are endlessly keen to capitalise on a sibling's misfortune one minute, and then leap to defend them the next.

The OP was pushed over and punched three times in the head. I think we can all agree that this is not "normal" anger in a child. I hope we can all agree that nobody deserves to be treated like that by anyone - though a shocking number of people on here seem to think the mother deserved what she got. I would also hope we can also agree that the OP and her daughter need support from external bodies. @Tarttlet 's post is excellent.

@doingmydoodie I haven't seen a single post saying that OP deserved it. Analysing the situation does not = "she deserved it", and claiming that's what it means is just silly.

@YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer

I'm quite honestly shocked at some of the responses on here. This child knocked her mother to the ground, punched her repeatedly in the head, tore the bedding off the beds and dumped all the drawers in her mother's office. And some how plenty of people feel like it's an expected response to what the OP said. WTH. OP this is NOT anywhere near a normal reaction (which I'm sure you realize). Please talk to her GP and see if you can get some kind of an evaluation started on her.

This

Yes we don’t know the full background and dynamics, but a toddler getting the impression they needed to apologise + comfort mum, the son rushing off and then the daughter completely losing her shit does paint a certain picture. Suggesting that the the child is x, y or z and the entire problem isn’t something you can conclusively evidence either.

This is the mother’s own account, and I know the impression I’ve got from it. Not that she’s some evil person, or deserved to be hit, but of a dysfunctional family dynamic that’s about more than just the 11-year-old being bad or faulty in some way.

@Innocenta

Absolutely. Coming to the conclusion we believe she deserves it because we’ve dared to analyse the situation from another perspective is really, really silly.

@Innocenta but they have all made huge assumptions in drawing to their conclusions
Such as brother always getting involved etc

@saraclara

There was nothing that happened in this household that didn't happen in a thousand households today. Parents got annoyed or hurt, siblings wound each other up all across the country. But I don't imagine that any mother other than OP ended up being knocked to the ground and beaten around the head, sworn at and her home trashed by an 11 year old daughter.

Stop blaming OP for not being perfect. Nothing here happened that was abusive, unreasonable or OTT in any way. Her DD however was irrational and EXTREMELY violent. Both she and OP need help. This is not going to be sorted by everyone tiptoeing around her.

If you think OP is the only one experiencing this you are incredibly naive. Unbelievably so.

I have been thinking about this post.
Some of the responses illustrate why Mumsnet is not always the best place to ask for advice.
There is a lot of projection from people who find their own mother emotionally manipulative and at the other end of the spectrum there are posts that don't take into account the child's experience and suggest calling the police or stronger punishment.
While some posts are heavily judgmental of the OP the posts trying to analyse what happened are helpful.
OP, now things have settled it might be helpful to look at what happened objectively and question whether there was something in what you said that triggered the rage.
Having said that, this behaviour is unacceptable whether the child is neurotypical or not. She needs to help you to put things right.
Her reaction seems extreme and it would be a good idea to see your GP to start the process for an assessment of possible ADHD or ASD.
Going against the grain -I would NOT involve the school. Not all schools are understanding . I would only focus in school on behaviour that occurs in school or any adjustments that need to be made in school if there are any additional needs.
We would not like our employers to be informed if we were frequently losing our temper at home and I see it as the same.
I have worked with schools and, while some are supportive I have seen how children can be negatively labelled.
I would suggest that it would be a good idea for you to be open to advice on parenting, without seeing that as a criticism, some children need very careful parenting.
I would also look for an assessment and some intervention directly with your child with anger management, emotional regulation and assertiveness (to help her express her frustration without this level of aggression).
I hope you don't let some of the critical posts get to you. You are doing your best and to be attacked physically in that way must have been upsetting and shocking.

@Anonymouseposter

What you’ve seen in schools regarding labelling is exactly what happens within the services. Plus you can’t really do one without the other these days as they all communicate with each other. They would most certainly not escalate this further if you informed a GP that you haven’t been in contact with the school.

Eyedropeyeflop I take your point to a degree but in my experience health services have slightly better confidentiality than schools. I do realise that the school would be consulted as part of any assessment but I still feel that school do not need a detailed account of this young person's aggressive behaviour at home.
Another difference with school is that the child has to spend a great deal of time there and if they are seen too negatively it affects their day to day life.
Sadly young people have nowhere at all where they can speak in confidence as information is shared among agencies.
My advice to OP would be to start with GP rather than school.

@Anonymouseposter

That’s what I mean though, it’s unlikely a GP will refer a child once the parent states they haven’t engaged with the school first. The GP is likely to give that advice first.