Page 4 | 11 yo DD just hit me and pushed me to the ground.

reallyupset11yodd · 2022-03-27T18:12:09+00:00

Looking for some advice. Background is DD does have a temper and has pushed her younger brother and is the most challenging of my children. She is not spoilt but has a lovely family, home, school, friends, a phone and laptop. DH is away all weekend and I am alone with 3 kids for mothers day. I said at dinner time to DD (11) and DS (9) I was hurt they hadn't given a card or gift for mothers day. DS immediately felt awful, ran to get the gift he had previously bought me and he and youngest DD (2) gave me a cuddle and apologised. DS then told DD she should be doing something (dh had apparently left a box of chocs and card with DD for her to give me). DD chased DS and hurt him, I sent hereto her room and followed her upstairs. I told her she could still eat dinner but I would be taking the lollipops she had saved in her drawer so she wouldn't eat them. She launched herself at me, pushed me to the ground and hit me in the head while screaming swear words at me. I calmly took her laptop, ipad and phone. She has since told me she wishes I would die, she has pulled all the bedding off all beds and pulled my office drawers out so my work is all over the office. I don't know what to do. I am sat here crying wondering how it could get to this point. What would you do in my situation?

bellac11 · 27/03/2022 20:07

Is she a bit spoilt OP?

Is the atmosphere at home a bit sharp and blamey?

If so, its not how children learn empathy. But neither is pretending that parents feelings dont count so OP was not wrong in letting the kids know that she was a bit disappointed, it depends on the tone of voice when it was done

I notice people are instantly leaping to SEN or MH when OP hasnt given any information that implies any of that. In addition camhs wont be interested if there isn a MH 'disorder', anything 'behavioural' and you dont get a lot of support from that

School may have emotional well being services, do they have school counselling, dare2differ or other organisations may have a contract with your school.

Children learn to regulate themselves from what they see around them and how they feel about management of emotions, parents can role model that in the main.

Paddingtonthebear · 27/03/2022 20:08

It’s the violence here that would worry and upset me. I think I would leave for tonight, wait until your husband is back and then discuss between you to decide where to go with this from here. She is still young at 11 and hormones will be taking over, so some allowances can be made for unreasonable outbursts of course.. but punching you in the head is completely unacceptable. Perhaps your husband can have a frank discussion with her about that. I hope you are ok, I would be very upset by this too.

Usernzms · 27/03/2022 20:10

There are lots of childrens anger workbooks on amazon. I used the anger gremlin one for my 5 year and it was very productive. Obviously she had the 5-9 years one but there is an older one which will be best suited to her age.
Make it a requirement she does a few pages a day. Obviously when she is in a good mood.

Pumperthepumper · 27/03/2022 20:10

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CanIPleaseHaveOne · 27/03/2022 20:10

@Pumperthepumper

A victim of what?

The OP has an 11 year old with a known temper, and they clearly haven’t worked out a strategy for that. Punishments clearly don’t work. So goading them into a reaction and unleashing a series of punishments to an 11 year old with absolutely no control over their life needs examined.

Crikey Pumper I think you are reading a different thread? Sounds like the OP tried her best in a fast moving situation that escalated very quickly in an unpredictable way.

An 11 year old pushing her mother to the ground and hitting her head is pretty shocking.

Most likely, if the op had expected this reaction she would have had a different approach.

Terms like “goading” “escalating “ etc seem huge leaps to me based on the information we have.

There may or may not be an issue with the child but that remains to be discovered.

OP - strongly advise you to get some good help for you and DP first. Figure out how to deal etc. Sending a child to therapy can have disastrous results. It should only be as a last resort imo.

forlornlorna · 27/03/2022 20:11

@Clymene

There is no place for laying blame at the feet of a victim of violence *@Pumperthepumper*, none.

Stop victim blaming.

This

OutlookStalking · 27/03/2022 20:11

Yup she is a child that needs help and support to regulate emotions. And this is something a parent can actively do but from a position of support, not blame. And again the school may be able to help with emotional support.

ReadtheFT · 27/03/2022 20:11

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BingBangB0ng · 27/03/2022 20:11

I remember a poster on here who said they were keeping a book of every time their teenage daughter wronged them, with the intention of presenting it to her when she was an adult - seemingly in the hope the daughter would recognise the error of her previous ways. This post reminds me a little of it.

There’s just something about holding kids too responsible for their parents emotional state that doesn’t sit right with me, and doing it at dinner and allowing her brother to get a kick in paints a certain picture.

I think you should get her some help, a therapist or a special needs assessment or something. It sounds like she has trouble regulating her emotions and controlling herself. I also think you should seriously consider your own contribution to the dynamic of your relationship, though.

Selma22 · 27/03/2022 20:12

@YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer

I'm quite honestly shocked at some of the responses on here. This child knocked her mother to the ground, punched her repeatedly in the head, tore the bedding off the beds and dumped all the drawers in her mother's office. And some how plenty of people feel like it's an expected response to what the OP said. WTH. OP this is NOT anywhere near a normal reaction (which I'm sure you realize). Please talk to her GP and see if you can get some kind of an evaluation started on her.

This! So out of order!At that age you.should know better.I can't even imagine what my mum would have done if I attempted something similar

DaffTheDoggo · 27/03/2022 20:12

I notice people are instantly leaping to SEN or MH when OP hasnt given any information that implies any of that. In addition camhs wont be interested if there isn a MH 'disorder', anything 'behavioural' and you dont get a lot of support from that

DD of a friend was struggling with anger management (in her case not violent) and some sessions with a psychologist helping her work on strategies to manage her feelings made a huge difference. Agree it may not be possible through CAMHS, given how dreadfully underfunded they are, but it should be.

Pumperthepumper · 27/03/2022 20:12

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Papergirl1968 · 27/03/2022 20:12

I was also a victim of domestic abuse - which is what this is - by my (adopted) dd. Police were called a number of times and eventually she went to a YOI for three months. I'm afraid all the counselling she had made no difference.
I suggest DH has a very serious talk to her about this, and I would not be giving phone etc back anytime soon.
for you. The posters who are blaming you don't have a bloody clue what it is like to be in that situation.

BridgesofMadisonfan · 27/03/2022 20:13

@Comedycook

I said at dinner time to DD (11) and DS (9) I was hurt they hadn't given a card or gift for mothers day

I'm not excusing her behaviour but I don't think you should have said this. They are really young still and most kids wouldn't remember without another adult to prompt them.

But their father did prompt them and 11 is old enough to be told their actions have hurt someone's feelings.

Retrievemysanity · 27/03/2022 20:13

Goodness, I have an 11 year old DD who couldn’t wait to give me a card, present and breakfast in bed this morning. I’d be fuming if I was in your shoes because I imagine, like me, it was more the fact that you’re hoping to raise thoughtful, caring kids and when they can’t even give you a card, it’s a blow to that. Don’t think you did anything wrong in raising it.

Regarding the other stuff, totally unacceptable and I’d be looking ways to sort out this asap. If she’s bright, a proper sit down chat calmly about what happened and see if you can drill down to the root cause. Definitely get DH on board and school if needs be. Hope you’re ok.

BridgesofMadisonfan · 27/03/2022 20:14

@Pumperthepumper

I think you need to calm yourself down. You guilt tripped her and backed her into a corner. Do further punishments mean she didn’t push you? No. So give them back and talk to her about her reaction.

She was incredibly violent to her mother. Can't believe you are excusing her behaviour.

Pumperthepumper · 27/03/2022 20:15

I’m not excusing it. I’m saying an 11 year old doesn’t have the same control an adult does.

Papergirl1968 · 27/03/2022 20:15

Just to add, i'm a single parent with no back up but my dad would have bloody killed me if I'd hurt my DM like that!

CoastalWave · 27/03/2022 20:15

@Comedycook

I said at dinner time to DD (11) and DS (9) I was hurt they hadn't given a card or gift for mothers day

I'm not excusing her behaviour but I don't think you should have said this. They are really young still and most kids wouldn't remember without another adult to prompt them.

I agree. I think you were out of order to be honest.

bellac11 · 27/03/2022 20:15

@DaffTheDoggo

I notice people are instantly leaping to SEN or MH when OP hasnt given any information that implies any of that. In addition camhs wont be interested if there isn a MH 'disorder', anything 'behavioural' and you dont get a lot of support from that

DD of a friend was struggling with anger management (in her case not violent) and some sessions with a psychologist helping her work on strategies to manage her feelings made a huge difference. Agree it may not be possible through CAMHS, given how dreadfully underfunded they are, but it should be.

Thats not SEN or MH though, this child doesnt appear to be mentally ill, CAMHS is not the organisation for that even if they were fully funded

The best 'therapy' for children, always has been and always will be the parenting and modelling they receive. Thats why good therapists or interventions tend to work with the parents or carers of challenging children rather than the child themselves.

Most therapists wont tell you that though because it would see them out of a job a lot of the time!

Dentistlakes · 27/03/2022 20:15

I’m amazed at the responses blaming op for guilt tripping her. The child is 11 and physically attached her mother. That’s pretty extreme.

I would leave her be to calm down op. Don’t follow her into her own space, just leave her be. If one of my children reacted like this I would assume there’s something else going on. Perhaps she’s had some friendship group issues or is stressed about something at school? I would be looking at getting some professional advice if my child physically attacked me and she’s also harming her brother. Get some advice now before she gets any worse; she could harm someone.

Bluetrews25 · 27/03/2022 20:15

Well, at the age of 11 if she'd done this to anyone else, she could be looking at assult charges as she's over the age of criminal responsibility. Is DD aware of this? Unacceptable behaviour to anyone is not acceptable either when done to her DMum.
No idea how to manage this, though!

orangeisthenewpuce · 27/03/2022 20:16

This isn't your fault OP. Don't let anyone on here tell you it is. Her behaviour is absolutely atrocious. An 11 year old is old enough to remember it's Mother's Day and to give you a card a present that have been left for them. You had every right to mention it. There is no excuse for what she did to you. Keep away from her and let her father speak to her in the morning. Her lack of empathy is a worry. Another poster said this behaviour needs nipped in the bud now and they are right. It will get worse if you don't sort it out. Do not return anything you've removed from her tomorrow.

Mariposista · 27/03/2022 20:16

She sounds vile! So sorry OP, I hope your other children are giving you lots of cuddles and fuss to make up for it. Don't return those horrible devices until well after the Easter holidays.

TrippinEdBalls · 27/03/2022 20:17

@YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer

I'm quite honestly shocked at some of the responses on here. This child knocked her mother to the ground, punched her repeatedly in the head, tore the bedding off the beds and dumped all the drawers in her mother's office. And some how plenty of people feel like it's an expected response to what the OP said. WTH. OP this is NOT anywhere near a normal reaction (which I'm sure you realize). Please talk to her GP and see if you can get some kind of an evaluation started on her.

Me too - and I am absolutely certain that it wouldn't be how the thread would have gone if it had been a DS not a DD that violently assaulted OP (I don't think people would have said it must be the 9 year old's fault, either).