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Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

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Original poster

11 yo DD just hit me and pushed me to the ground.

619 replies

reallyupset11yodd · 27/03/2022 19:12

Looking for some advice. Background is DD does have a temper and has pushed her younger brother and is the most challenging of my children. She is not spoilt but has a lovely family, home, school, friends, a phone and laptop.

DH is away all weekend and I am alone with 3 kids for mothers day. I said at dinner time to DD (11) and DS (9) I was hurt they hadn't given a card or gift for mothers day. DS immediately felt awful, ran to get the gift he had previously bought me and he and youngest DD (2) gave me a cuddle and apologised. DS then told DD she should be doing something (dh had apparently left a box of chocs and card with DD for her to give me). DD chased DS and hurt him, I sent hereto her room and followed her upstairs. I told her she could still eat dinner but I would be taking the lollipops she had saved in her drawer so she wouldn't eat them. She launched herself at me, pushed me to the ground and hit me in the head while screaming swear words at me. I calmly took her laptop, ipad and phone.

She has since told me she wishes I would die, she has pulled all the bedding off all beds and pulled my office drawers out so my work is all over the office.

I don't know what to do. I am sat here crying wondering how it could get to this point. What would you do in my situation?

OP posts:

Clymene · 27/03/2022 19:33

There is no place for laying blame at the feet of a victim of violence @Pumperthepumper, none.

Stop victim blaming.

Pumperthepumper · 27/03/2022 19:36

A victim of what?

The OP has an 11 year old with a known temper, and they clearly haven’t worked out a strategy for that. Punishments clearly don’t work. So goading them into a reaction and unleashing a series of punishments to an 11 year old with absolutely no control over their life needs examined.

VeganGod · 27/03/2022 19:36

It was a guilt trip, and you know it was. She’s 11 years old, she has very little control over her life. So you introduced the conversation, punished her, followed her, punished her again, she reacted violently and…you punished her more. Massive communication breakdown, and you’re the adult in this situation.

This.

Also you should have told shit stirring little brother to keep out when he told her she should be doing something. He’d only remembered after you said something yet you let him stir the pot.

Pumperthepumper · 27/03/2022 19:36

A, a victim of violence. So what do you suggest? Police?

itsgettingweird · 27/03/2022 19:36

But that isn't what OP says happened.

She mentioned she was disappointed they'd forgotten to give her the gifts. Fair enough. It's not too much to ask the children remember all their mum does for a day in the year.

The dd then hurt her DB. She started this and was sent to her room as a punishment.

She then attacked the OP violently and that's why she removed the tech.

The overreaction came for the DD. It is totally not normal to react such a way to have someone point out you forgot to do something.

I agree about looking into support. Honestly though the support out there for MH is dire and so I'd consider going private therapist if you can afford it. Also speak to the school and ask for honest opinions of what she's like there and ask for a meeting with the senco. Be honest with the school about her violently attacking you today.

Quartz2208 · 27/03/2022 19:39

I agree I think sending to her room and leaving it at that for her to calm down rather than following and then starting with increasing punishments may also help.

Then once it has calmed down - then talk it through once she has calmed down

But you need professional help with handling this - the school might have ideas (although keep this incident out of it)

beastlyslumber · 27/03/2022 19:39

That sounds really scary and upsetting, OP. It sounds like some kind of intervention is needed. I suggest GP and get a referral to child mental health services? Sorry I don't know how long that might take.

As for you asking the DC about mother's day - it does sound a bit guilt-trippy. Maybe a bit unfair to talk about your hurt feelings when they are so young and two of them obviously just forgot. You could have said, "so, did you get me anything for mother's day?"

But I don't think that this is to blame for your daughter's reaction. She sounds very out of control.

turbonerd · 27/03/2022 19:40

This may not be agreed upon widely, but should anything similar happen again I would yell loudly and angrily to make a point that this IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. I might even push back to assert dominance.
Then I would let her calm down and talk to her calmly afterwards.
Note: I would not actually be angry, so would need to plan this in advance.

Had to do this with two rowdy boys, it was imperative to Get it in hand before they hit puberty and got taller and stronger than me.
Always «attack» the behaviour, not the child.

Walton45123 · 27/03/2022 19:40

Your dd needs to have some consequences for this of course. Wait until she’s calmed down, talk it through tomorrow.

However I’ll be totally honest, I don’t think you handled the situation well at all. Starting off with telling your children (including your 2 year old who apologised?!? I mean, wtf?! An apology from a 2 year old means sweet fa and just confuses them anyway) that you are hurt and sad…you are not their friend. Too emotional and guilt trippy and your middle child clearly saw an opportunity to wind up dd, perhaps knowing there would be an entertaining reaction afterwards.

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 27/03/2022 19:40

I'm quite honestly shocked at some of the responses on here. This child knocked her mother to the ground, punched her repeatedly in the head, tore the bedding off the beds and dumped all the drawers in her mother's office. And some how plenty of people feel like it's an expected response to what the OP said. WTH.
OP this is NOT anywhere near a normal reaction (which I'm sure you realize). Please talk to her GP and see if you can get some kind of an evaluation started on her.

Smartiepants79 · 27/03/2022 19:42

I really don’t think that expecting a nearly 12 year old to remember to hand over a card and chocolates that have already been bought for her is expecting a lot.
I had a similar conversation with my 2 yesterday. I was fed up as they were being lazy and rather rude. My eldest (11) still didn’t seem to have managed to make me a card despite having 2 days off school this week and all possible materials available.
I told them it was hurtful that making me happy was so low on their priority list. They were mortified and there was lots of apologising. I hope they felt a bit guilty.
I think trying to get kids to understand that grownups have feelings is important.

Pumperthepumper · 27/03/2022 19:42

No, I don’t think it’s an expected response. I think the OP shouldn’t have backed their reactive 11 year old into a corner.

DaffTheDoggo · 27/03/2022 19:43

@YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer Well said.

OutlookStalking · 27/03/2022 19:45

No it may not be a normal reaction but she obviously doesn't have the skills to handle things "normally." If a child is prone to outbursts then doing things to trigger that outburst honestly wont help - so to keep punishing them in that way just prolongs the cycle. In the long run you want the child to be able to manage their emotions, and helping them achieve that will look different to punishing them each time/ getting cross and take some work to do things differnently as a parent. Doesn't mean its the parent's fault, of course not, just that a different strategy is needed.

duvetdayforeveryone · 27/03/2022 19:46

You did nothing wrong @reallyupset11yodd

Your DD was completely out of order.

Obviously you know your DD best, so I can't suggest what to do next. If one of my DC treated me that way, I would strip their room bare.

GeorgiePorge · 27/03/2022 19:46

I dont think it was a guilt trip at all OP... at nearly 12 she does need to be told to think of others and if not naturally empathetic then to be prompted. It sounds a horrid situation, and I can understand why you are worried.

It does sound like things escalated quickly and she lashed out and has perhaps scared herself with her loss of control.

I come from a large family with quick tempers and a lot of shouting as children... and whilst we fought between ourselves - any violence towards our parents was definitely a boundry never to be crossed.
Your daughter will need to realise it is truely unacceptable behaviour and there are consequences beyond having things confiscated. As per PP a visit to GP to discuss and or therapy to help give techniques /skills to your daughter to control her temper might be a good way forward.

For this evening I would allow space for you both to lick your wounds and gather thoughts.

If it is of any reassurance my niece was truely horrific at that age, drove her mother to despair and seemed to lack all empathy
She has subsequently grown into the kindest, rational and calm young woman...something quite unimaginable at the time.

I hope things clam down for you and beat of luck.

CityHigh · 27/03/2022 19:47

@YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer

I'm quite honestly shocked at some of the responses on here. This child knocked her mother to the ground, punched her repeatedly in the head, tore the bedding off the beds and dumped all the drawers in her mother's office. And some how plenty of people feel like it's an expected response to what the OP said. WTH. OP this is NOT anywhere near a normal reaction (which I'm sure you realize). Please talk to her GP and see if you can get some kind of an evaluation started on her.

Yes I agree with this. Some of the other responses really make me realise why some adults have grown up to be the people they are.

TabithaTittlemouse · 27/03/2022 19:48

Also shocked that posters are victim blaming op.

Hope you are okay op. Speak to the school and GP tomorrow, whatever the reason this can’t continue.

TabithaTittlemouse · 27/03/2022 19:48

What is she like towards her dad?

MadeForThis · 27/03/2022 19:48

It sounds like you already sensed that something is different in her reactions. You said you worry she lacks empathy.

It's time for this to be assessed by a professional.

Pumperthepumper · 27/03/2022 19:49

@duvetdayforeveryone

You did nothing wrong *@reallyupset11yodd*

Your DD was completely out of order.

Obviously you know your DD best, so I can't suggest what to do next. If one of my DC treated me that way, I would strip their room bare.

Why? Would they erase what they’d done?

OutlookStalking · 27/03/2022 19:49

"Early help" is another avenue of support - you should be able to access this through school or directly if you would rather by googling "early help" and your area. Early help covers a huge range of interventions and does have a waiting list but they can help give some strategies that might help.

Also if she is up for it sometimes in school there are ELSA support that can help a child that is struggling with emotions. This might be accessed through pastoral care? It could be worth saying she is struggling and can they help?

L0stinCyberspace · 27/03/2022 19:51

OP you are doing a good job and children need to be taught by parents that parents can feel disappointed too. Your DD's temper response was out of control for a 12 year old. All you did was say you were a bit disappointed at which point it would have been her chance to get the chocolates. I'd be completely shocked and horrified if my teen responded that way. If she loses her temper like this in the future with others there could be serious consequences so you are 100% right to be questioning how to deal with this. I'd see could you get a psychological assessment for her. Hope things improve.

Clymene · 27/03/2022 19:52

@Pumperthepumper

A, a victim of violence. So what do you suggest? Police?

No, but you could ve a bit kinder to the OP who has just been assaulted by her child

Walton45123 · 27/03/2022 19:53

I think her brother wound her up.

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