11 yo DD just hit me and pushed me to the ground.

[reallyupset11yodd]

Looking for some advice. Background is DD does have a temper and has pushed her younger brother and is the most challenging of my children. She is not spoilt but has a lovely family, home, school, friends, a phone and laptop.

DH is away all weekend and I am alone with 3 kids for mothers day. I said at dinner time to DD (11) and DS (9) I was hurt they hadn't given a card or gift for mothers day. DS immediately felt awful, ran to get the gift he had previously bought me and he and youngest DD (2) gave me a cuddle and apologised. DS then told DD she should be doing something (dh had apparently left a box of chocs and card with DD for her to give me). DD chased DS and hurt him, I sent hereto her room and followed her upstairs. I told her she could still eat dinner but I would be taking the lollipops she had saved in her drawer so she wouldn't eat them. She launched herself at me, pushed me to the ground and hit me in the head while screaming swear words at me. I calmly took her laptop, ipad and phone.

She has since told me she wishes I would die, she has pulled all the bedding off all beds and pulled my office drawers out so my work is all over the office.

I don't know what to do. I am sat here crying wondering how it could get to this point. What would you do in my situation?

A laptop, iPad and phone? At 11? This may be stating the obvious but could she have viewed something disturbing to trigger this?

This is quite a good article explaining the difference in perspective (and how just lashing back at the child doesn't really help.) None of this makes the behaviour "okay"

facultyresources.westerntc.edu/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/Kids-Do-Well-If-They-Can.pdf

In fairness, DS shouldn't have made that comment which made things a lot worse. DD was wrong as well.

@Walton45123

I think her brother wound her up.

It doesn’t matter if he did or not. It doesn’t excuse her behaviour.

I am so sorry this has happened, you sound like a totally normal loving mother who, very reasonably, was disappointed at the total lack of effort from your children. I also think it's important that children are reminded to be appreciative.
Hitting you has crossed a line. I would keep her electrical devices for long enough that the seriousness of this sinks in (obvs she may need her laptop for school). Not sure who best to talk to about this, the school maybe if not the GP. Or the police?? (if you know someone, maybe not officially) Sorry if that sounds dramatic but maybe a huge shock for her is needed. I think hormones can send them crazy at that age though, it sounds like the red mist came down.

I think at this stage, don't catastrophise. Her behaviour was very wrong but, you did guilt trip her. You could have said in a light hearted way..."er,I think there might be some gifts coming my way today" wink wink.. Then they would have remembered! Instead you made them feel guilty by saying your feelings were hurt. I'm not judging you, you're on your own with three kids this weekend. However, from her point of view, her mum is guilt tripping her, her little brother is winding her up, she's probably hormonal and grumpy, her personality may be naturally rather volatile anyway. Talk calmly when it's all simmered down.

Sorry but I think you did guilt trip them. Mother’s Day is a commercial concept , and getting cards/ gifts can be absolutely no reflection of how much a mother is actually appreciated/ needed. Your comment must have made them all feel awful. Your ds felt bad and blamed himself- your dd felt bad but couldn’t process her feelings effectively and projected her distress back towards you and ds by getting angry.
I fully accept that a physically aggressive reaction is not appropriate , and shouldn’t be tolerated. But I think you need to give her some time, and then try to talk to her about what actually happened.( I also think you need to admit that you shouldn’t have made the comment).
Within that discussion there needs to be some exploration of other ways to manage anger with a clear indication that physical aggression is very clearly crossing an unacceptable line. And in advance make clear what sanctions there will be for that kind of behaviour.
Accept that she will get angry and that you need to model calm behaviour that de-escalates the tension rather than raising it.

You come down on her like a ton of bricks.
She is 11 and knows right from wrong.
There is no excuse for violence. Ever!
You calm down and keep all the tech you confiscated and discuss her appalling behaviour and set a suitable punishment that you follow through on

What actual planet are you on? The OP calmly pointed something out, her daughter hurt another child so she got punished. And when spoken to again calmly she reacts by physically attacking her mother. She needs clamping down on, hard, before she realised she can get away with this kind of behaviour. She would be losing her phone and iPad for a month and eating dinner in her room for a week in our house. Physical assault is not on. Ever.

Definitely not a guilt trip, except what pumper is trying to lay on op.

11 and 9 are perfectly old enough to have empathy for others and to be reminded when they are needed. Thec9 year olds reaction shows that. It’s not unreasonable at all to say I am disappointed you didn’t get me a card.

On reflection perhaps letting her calm down then taking the items and issuing a punishment MAY have calmed things after she assaulted her brother. Or it may not - she may have just lost her temper anyway at the loss of her devices. Which again is not an unreasonable punishment for assaulting her brother.

@jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey

You come down on her like a ton of bricks. She is 11 and knows right from wrong. There is no excuse for violence. Ever! You calm down and keep all the tech you confiscated and discuss her appalling behaviour and set a suitable punishment that you follow through on

It won’t work. This child needs understanding and support, not more punishments.

Sympathy OP. My DS went through a really nasty phase from 8-9ish where he reacted so explosively to things, and it got to a point where he was threatening violence to me. We sought family counselling. It helped so much and as a result of us changing our reactions and approach to lots of things, albeit in small ways, his behaviour has transformed and he is much happier. For us the key is consistency, firm rejection and clearly communicated consequences for destructive behaviour, and lots of quality family time.

The child needs both firm consequences and understanding. They are not mutually exclusive here.

Thay should read, firm rejection of destructive behaviour, not of him.

Her behaviour needs to be checked, you need to have boundaries in place that she will push against as she gets older but she will, like most kids, feel a place on your home with those boundaries. If you leave this her behaviours will worsen over the next few years.

@RJnomore1

The child needs both firm consequences and understanding. They are not mutually exclusive here.

‘Punishment’ absolutely is exclusive.

There’s something off about this, I think. I grew up with a mother who loved to be passive aggressive. It’s extremely passive aggressive to wait until dinner to make an emotionally charged statement to 2 young children, and then it does sound as though her brother stoked her anger. Not excusing her extreme behaviour and she does clearly need to some help with temper regulation but I think you handled this situation really badly and should have known it would blow up. Like I said, I grew up with a Mum who absolutely would have done something similar and it always caused big problems. Maybe think about appropriate times to talk about these things at times that aren’t likely to become charged - Sunday dinners are always quite fraught and potentially emotional in our house.

Bollocks it is.

jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey
You come down on her like a ton of bricks.
She is 11 and knows right from wrong.
There is no excuse for violence. Ever!
You calm down and keep all the tech you confiscated and discuss her appalling behaviour and set a suitable punishment that you follow through on

Sorry going against the grain of let your child beat you and smile through it…. She can ship herself out to more suitable accommodation or treat you with respect. You have to be kidding me! No chance would my child do that without severe consequences.

Of course it is. You see how this child reacts to punishments. It’s an unfair way of asserting dominance and nothing else.

There’s obviously no excuse for her violence, but I’d be interested to hear her understanding of what happened.

You made her feel guilty, then her brother joined in and stuck the boot in. Again, it doesn’t excuse what she did, but I think I can understand the process by which she lost control of her emotions.

I don’t think I’d tell a child I was upset they hadn’t given me a card of present, but I only have very young kids so I don’t know much about parenting preteens.

@reallyupset11yodd

Thanks both, I'm ok she is strong and the 3 punches really landed on my head and I can still feel where she hit me but am not hurt. This is not anything that I am familiar with and has shaken me.

Comedy - I wasn't sure if I should say anything but she is 12 in a few weeks and DH had reminded her this morning apparently a couple of times. I wasn't rude or nasty it was more to the point that we need tone considerate of others at times and my feelings are a bit hurt.

Minimising Violence is never right. This attitude will get her into serious trouble- With a possible Criminal record if this is allowed to carry on. This level of temper is bound to spill out onto others.

She needs to know this is absolutely not on.
Where did she learn this violent behaviour?
It’s not good.

Complete nonsense. It’s a wY of showing that behaviours - violence towards a parent at 11 jeez! That’s terrifying actually - has consequences. Better those in a loving home now than the criminal justice system in a few years when it’s a teacher or a police officer or a shop worker.

What’s needed alongside the consequence is lots of conversation and a chance to earn back trust. What’s not needed is being told this is fine and there will be no consequence for the child.

@jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey

You come down on her like a ton of bricks. She is 11 and knows right from wrong. There is no excuse for violence. Ever! You calm down and keep all the tech you confiscated and discuss her appalling behaviour and set a suitable punishment that you follow through on

This.

@newyearnewwname2022

There’s something off about this, I think. I grew up with a mother who loved to be passive aggressive. It’s extremely passive aggressive to wait until dinner to make an emotionally charged statement to 2 young children, and then it does sound as though her brother stoked her anger. Not excusing her extreme behaviour and she does clearly need to some help with temper regulation but I think you handled this situation really badly and should have known it would blow up. Like I said, I grew up with a Mum who absolutely would have done something similar and it always caused big problems. Maybe think about appropriate times to talk about these things at times that aren’t likely to become charged - Sunday dinners are always quite fraught and potentially emotional in our house.

Yeah, passive aggressive is the right term I think.

As I said I’d be interested to hear the 11-year-old’s telling of it.