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Original poster

11 yo DD just hit me and pushed me to the ground.

619 replies

reallyupset11yodd · 27/03/2022 19:12

Looking for some advice. Background is DD does have a temper and has pushed her younger brother and is the most challenging of my children. She is not spoilt but has a lovely family, home, school, friends, a phone and laptop.

DH is away all weekend and I am alone with 3 kids for mothers day. I said at dinner time to DD (11) and DS (9) I was hurt they hadn't given a card or gift for mothers day. DS immediately felt awful, ran to get the gift he had previously bought me and he and youngest DD (2) gave me a cuddle and apologised. DS then told DD she should be doing something (dh had apparently left a box of chocs and card with DD for her to give me). DD chased DS and hurt him, I sent hereto her room and followed her upstairs. I told her she could still eat dinner but I would be taking the lollipops she had saved in her drawer so she wouldn't eat them. She launched herself at me, pushed me to the ground and hit me in the head while screaming swear words at me. I calmly took her laptop, ipad and phone.

She has since told me she wishes I would die, she has pulled all the bedding off all beds and pulled my office drawers out so my work is all over the office.

I don't know what to do. I am sat here crying wondering how it could get to this point. What would you do in my situation?

OP posts:
Original poster
reallyupset11yodd · 27/03/2022 20:28

I've tried to read all the responses, but am sat here in tears some are a bit harsh.

I don't want to be passive aggressive, dinner time was when I had an opportunity as had run around with rugby/hockey all morning and then taken toddler to play at playground in afternoon. I am trying to think from her perspective and yes her brother was winding her up, he had given the 'right' response I guess so she was kind of backed into a corner which is shitty and I didn't see it at the time. She chased him around the kitchen island and grabbed his top which pulled on his neck, it wasn't ok which is why I sent her to her room. I need to stand up for DS if he is hurt too. I think hormones are a factor here and I want to be fair to her but it feels such an awful situation to be in.

I have spoken to DH, we will look into a private referral the kids are under my policy through work. I don't want this to be a huge 'thing', but it kind of is. I can't ever dream of hitting anyone ever let alone my parents at 11.

Thanks to posters for responding, I'm a bit out of my depth and just want to raise a kind, caring, strong, awesome child.

OP posts:
ChiswickFlo · 27/03/2022 20:29

Wow. Victim blaming aplenty. Christ.

An 11 year old cannot be bothered to give a card and gift to her mother which had already been purchased then becomes physically violent and verbally abusive?

Op..I'd have called the police.

As it is you and your dh need to formulate a plan to get help.

Take photos of any bruises etc

Let school know.

No one should accept being physically abused. By anyone.

hardboiledeggs · 27/03/2022 20:29

The ONLY way this child’s response would be justified is if it was in self defence. Who cares if it was a guilt trip or not, OP DD acted appallingly and needs to be held accountable. Quite honestly I’d have gone ballistic if she did that to me. I get trying to reason with kids in an understanding way but in no way shape or form will I ever accept ANYONE lifting their hands to me, especially for more reason. I certainly wouldn’t accept my child hurting my other child. Maybe look into therapy.

Pumperthepumper · 27/03/2022 20:30

That seems like a good road to go down @reallyupset11yodd - lots of understanding and support for your DD will mean infinitely more than punishments and grief. Best of luck.

RJnomore1 · 27/03/2022 20:30

I seriously hope you are not a teacher but if you are, I’m not - my previous team spent a lot of time dealing with the kids that teachers failed.

DomesticatedZombie · 27/03/2022 20:31

It's not acceptable for your child to hit or hurt you. I'm sure she knows this and she's probably terrified by how out of control she feels. She needs clear, strong boundaries. That has to be very much understood. It's not a question of who did what or whether what you said was a bit unfair - nobody hurts anyone else, full stop. Absolute rule.

Forget the idea of fault for now; your relationship needs serious attention. I would suggest some professional help, perhaps, yes.

I would expect she is struggling to deal with her emotions and is in great need of an adult to tell her 'no', be firm and very fair.

Forget punishment, that is bullshit that will not help the situation. She needs help.

RockingAFrock · 27/03/2022 20:31

@reallyupset11yodd @Clymene
Just a heads up @Pumperthepumper doesn’t do consequences for bad behaviour as it’s happened so what’s the point.

hardboiledeggs · 27/03/2022 20:31

@reallyupset11yodd

I've tried to read all the responses, but am sat here in tears some are a bit harsh.

I don't want to be passive aggressive, dinner time was when I had an opportunity as had run around with rugby/hockey all morning and then taken toddler to play at playground in afternoon. I am trying to think from her perspective and yes her brother was winding her up, he had given the 'right' response I guess so she was kind of backed into a corner which is shitty and I didn't see it at the time. She chased him around the kitchen island and grabbed his top which pulled on his neck, it wasn't ok which is why I sent her to her room. I need to stand up for DS if he is hurt too. I think hormones are a factor here and I want to be fair to her but it feels such an awful situation to be in.

I have spoken to DH, we will look into a private referral the kids are under my policy through work. I don't want this to be a huge 'thing', but it kind of is. I can't ever dream of hitting anyone ever let alone my parents at 11.

Thanks to posters for responding, I'm a bit out of my depth and just want to raise a kind, caring, strong, awesome child.

Op this is a big thing. Hormones or no, this isn’t a normal way to behave. Don’t listen to the idiots trying to blame you in this. Your doing the right thing by looking for help.
Prudencia · 27/03/2022 20:32

@MrsTerryPratchett . I agree completely with your reasoned advice. The OP is the adult and her guilt tripping has provoked a child. As I said, an apology from the adult for upsetting her in the first place will take all of the heat out of the situation and would almost certainly result in a genuine apology from the child.
I don't like the talk of 'punishment' on MN rather than resolution. The aim being for both sides to feel better and move on back to normality

Pumperthepumper · 27/03/2022 20:32

@RJnomore1

I seriously hope you are not a teacher but if you are, I’m not - my previous team spent a lot of time dealing with the kids that teachers failed.
I am. What’s your job exactly?
longwayoff · 27/03/2022 20:32

You need some professional help. It's not ok to make your chidren feel guilty over something over which they have little control - mother's day presents, for crying out loud - and it's not ok for your daughter to behave like this as a response to her feeling of helplessness. The family dynamics have gone a bit awry and you would all benefit from some therapy to help you manage better. None of this should be happening.

Comedycook · 27/03/2022 20:33

Op..I'd have called the police

Yes criminalising an 11 year old child sounds an excellent plan....Hmm

Pumperthepumper · 27/03/2022 20:33

[quote RockingAFrock]**@reallyupset11yodd* @Clymene*
Just a heads up @Pumperthepumper doesn’t do consequences for bad behaviour as it’s happened so what’s the point.[/quote]
Thanks Rocking Flowers

CoastalWave · 27/03/2022 20:33

I can't believe the amount of people just believing the adult's version of this.

I'd be interested to hear the daughter's version. I bet it's wildly different.

RJnomore1 · 27/03/2022 20:33

It’s a huge thing. I’m scared by the level of violence from an 11 year old described here. Sorry op. It’s clear you want to do the right thing here.

OutlookStalking · 27/03/2022 20:34

@MrsTerryPratchett is spot on here. All I wanted to say but better!

Workinghardeveryday · 27/03/2022 20:34

@Pumperthepumper 🙄omg.

ChiswickFlo · 27/03/2022 20:34

[quote Prudencia]@MrsTerryPratchett . I agree completely with your reasoned advice. The OP is the adult and her guilt tripping has provoked a child. As I said, an apology from the adult for upsetting her in the first place will take all of the heat out of the situation and would almost certainly result in a genuine apology from the child.
I don't like the talk of 'punishment' on MN rather than resolution. The aim being for both sides to feel better and move on back to normality[/quote]
A child pushed an adult over and hit her repeatedly in the head whilst being verbally abusive too.

If the head injury was severe enough (god forbid) to need medical attention or surgery would you still feel the op deserved it??

Jesus.

tillytoodles1 · 27/03/2022 20:35

I love all the amateurs on here telling the OP that her child acted the way she did due to hormones or some other undiagnosed problem.
Even if she was embarrassed because she'd eaten the chocolates as someone suggested. It doesn't matter why she acted the,way she did, it's the fact that she went way OTT, punching her mother, swearing and wrecking things.

CanIPleaseHaveOne · 27/03/2022 20:35

[quote Pumperthepumper]@CanIPleaseHaveOne so why didn’t the 11 years old stop? Evil? Some biological need for violence?[/quote]
God no! It sounds like it escalated horribly and nobody had the off button.

I bet the both the op and her dd wish they could turn back time.

I also bet they are decent people like most of us, and just trying to figure things out.

Terry Pratchett has some wise suggestions for the op.

Original poster
reallyupset11yodd · 27/03/2022 20:35

and I Really wish I had played it differently, in a light hearted way about mothers day. I think life is sometimes tough and we don't always make the right decision, so busy working and parenting and keeping our heads above water.

OP posts:
ChiswickFlo · 27/03/2022 20:36

@Comedycook

Op..I'd have called the police

Yes criminalising an 11 year old child sounds an excellent plan....Hmm

She committed a crime.

I guess because its her mum she beat up its OK?

Wow.

Herecomesthesun2022 · 27/03/2022 20:36

Wow OP that is a horrible situation. You must be so upset. How do you think DD would respond if you sit down with her tomorrow and ask her what she thinks happened. Hear from her side without any judgment (yet). Then say to her that the behaviour was utterly unacceptable and you are considering appropriate consequences but you love her etc

mistermagpie · 27/03/2022 20:36

@LarryUnderwood

Sympathy OP. My DS went through a really nasty phase from 8-9ish where he reacted so explosively to things, and it got to a point where he was threatening violence to me. We sought family counselling. It helped so much and as a result of us changing our reactions and approach to lots of things, albeit in small ways, his behaviour has transformed and he is much happier. For us the key is consistency, firm rejection and clearly communicated consequences for destructive behaviour, and lots of quality family time.
Sorry to hijack, my DS is only 6 (nearly 7) but is very similar to what you describe.

People on this thread are saying 'see the GP and get her evaluated' or whatever, but our GP and school have just fobbed us off time and time again.

Did you go private for the counselling? We're looking into it now but I don't really know where to start or what to ask for.

ChiswickFlo · 27/03/2022 20:38

The behaviour of this child is very worrying.

I hope the op and dh get her the help she needs.

I started my periods at 10. Hormones aplenty. Never beat my mum up.