I smacked my 4 year old son and I hate myself. How can I make it up to him?

[DrWife1]

I have a beautiful 4 year old son and a 9 week old baby.

My son is lovely but can be a bit defiant at times, nothing major (not listening, running across roads, refusing to eat meals, throwing toys or clothes, refusing to get dressed). He shouts at us and hits us when he is told off.

This morning he had refused to eat breakfast despite us being very calm and nice. He threw his spoon across the room and ran away and screamed and shouted at us both for about 10 mins that he wanted his spoon back (it was lost from the throwing so I got him a new one). We both stayed calm and he eventually ate his breakfast.
Took 1hr for him to eat a tiny bowl of cereal. By this point he was going to be late for school.
We went upstairs to get dressed and I helped him shower really fast, I dried him and brushed his hair. I had laid out all his clothes so it was easy for him to put them on but he refused to get dressed. He was insisting that I dress him.
I calmly explained that he could do it himself as I had to sort baby and I would help him with the tricky bits. He threw all the clothes off the bed and refused.
The next 30 mins I tried to convince him to get dressed but he just cried and screamed and kept throwing the clothes about.
I put him in his room to calm down for 3 mins. When I came back he still refused and carried on throwing the clothes in my face. By this point it was 9am (school drop off is 8.40am).
I totally lost it and went to put him in his room again for time out, he tried to stop me closing the door so I grabbed hold off him by his arm and shouted " stay in your room and stop being naughty". He still tried to stop me closing the door so I smacked him on the leg.
I've never smacked him before. He looked shocked snd terrified.
I took myself out of the room to calm down. When I came back I hugged him and apologised. He said "why did you hit me mummy , you really hurt me". He immediately got dressed and was very subdued. All the way to school he was subdued and sad. I kept telling him i loved him and that i was sorry for hurting him.
I hate myself. I was smacked alll the time as a child and i swore i would never do it to mine.

Will he hate me or feel scared of me?
Right now i feel like i don't deserve children and I have failed as a mother.

[quote lavender2022]**@Autumndays123* I'm not perfect, if you think that a person saying don't hit your kids is a stuck up 'perfect person' then I can only pray for your children*

This thread is inundated with individuals who have put you in your place on numerous occasions. You clearly are perfect, because you have cast judgement upon not only the OP but all other PP's who have also smacked their children at some point or another. In fact, allow me to be the contradictory party in all of this and state clearly that you are in fact not perfect. Far from it. That's why you are on here judging not only the OP but everybody else who doesn't follow the same course of action that you do/have done in the respect of your DC's. In conclusion, please, please 😆... do not pray for me or my child. We will both likely end up in Hell based on your judgemental, up yourself, contradictory and overall I-am-better-than-everybody-else portrayal and overall essence, in this thread. While it's painstakingly obvious that your enjoy conversing with me, the feeling is definitely not mutual. So please rest assured that any replies from you will be categorically ignored. Go well now, Autumn 👋 [/quote]
To be honest I thought you were going to start ignoring me ages ago when you started saying odd things like "don't @ me" (lol), "I won't tell you to stop replying twice" etc etc. Really quite strange behaviour and I can only assume you are very, very young. Evidently it is you who enjoys conversing with me, as rather than be mature and stop replying, you just keep responding demanding that I stop replying. Really weird behaviour.

I don't care how many people think smacking their kids is acceptable and I don't care how many people have launched on me for saying don't be violent to your kids. It proves nothing other than the fact there are unfortunately still many bullying parents in society who probably shouldn't have had children if they don't know how to control them. The fact there are people here almost bragging about 'sorting out' their defiant ONE year old with some smacking, or yourself who gave your two year old toddler some physical punishment because you lacked basic parenting skills, is upsetting.

Can you imagine how this conversation would go in real life? Why don't you tell someone, anyone in real life that you had an argument with a stranger on the internet because they don't think you should hit kids and see what they say.

I remember hitting my mum once when I was about five. She hit me back and said don't ever do that again I will hit you back harder. I never ever did it again ! Kids have no respect for the parents these days it's gone too far the other way in my opinion there needs to be a balance. But if my child went to hit me I would say don't or I will hit you back I really don't see the harm in that. Too many airy fairey parents with spoiled brats running rings around them scared to give any boundaries or discipline it just doesn't work. Parents need to be the ones in charge not the kids.

Fair point

@Autumndays123 ....are you still sending essays to me? 🤨🥱

I pulled clothes on a 6 year old. He’s demanding you dress him because he wants your attention, and does not want to be doing this himself while you dress the baby.
As PP have said, head these issues off at the pass. Bath at nighttime . Take breakfast off him after a reasonable amount of time. Get him dressed quickly. Try to avoid saying you need to do something with the baby.
Do not beat yourself up about this. I smacked DS1 when he was 3 when he pulled my hair while I was getting him in the car seat. I never did it again but to be honest I think it did make an impact on him .
Don’t grovel to him . Yes, say you’re sorry you smacked him but tell him why you were cross . He has to learn now that he can’t mess about like this every morning.
Get this in perspective. He got smacked once - and although you say being smacked had a big impact on you as a child I only got smacked very occasionally and I can’t say it’s affected me at all.
I think there are worse things. I’d told one of mine off for messing about one morning and we had to hurry to school. Part way there a mum was literally screaming and screaming at her DC to get in the car. My DC stared transfixed - she had clearly lost it completely. I think that one quick smack isn’t as bad as that.

You would be better washing and dressing him before he goes down for breakfast then that's it all done. I do it this way as it makes sense rather than having to go back upstairs a second time.

@morechocolateneededtoday

A terrible parent would feel no remorse and think that hitting their child was acceptable and hit them again next time.

A good parent reflects on the fact they didn't handle the situation as well as they could have, apologises to their child and seeks to ensure it doesn't happen again.

You fit into the latter. Apologise, don't beat yourself up and look at ways of managing him better for next time as that sounds like an unmanageable morning. (Fwiw, my 3yr old uses similar avoidance tactics for everything right now, I'll try post what works for us a bit later)

@morechocolateneededtoday

Absolutely right. I'm in a situation with my ex where they feels it's ok to hit and apparently feels no remorse. It's awful situation.

OP - you know it wasn't right, you apologised. You can move on now and not repeat. The point is you feel guilty = definitely NOT a bad parent.

Good luck with new baby/ 4yo combo. I've been there 😬

I honestly wouldn't worry, as kids we used to get smacked all the time and were totally fine. Your only worried because society doesn't think it's right, if you asked the same question 20 years ago everyone would have a different opinion.

You were wound up so much by his behaviour that you lost control, it's understandable especially with a baby to look after too. Every single parent have moments where they just explode but we don't all admit it. Your dealing with a small human, they are absolute arseholes at times.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Tomorrows another day.