I smacked my 4 year old son and I hate myself. How can I make it up to him?

[DrWife1]

I have a beautiful 4 year old son and a 9 week old baby.

My son is lovely but can be a bit defiant at times, nothing major (not listening, running across roads, refusing to eat meals, throwing toys or clothes, refusing to get dressed). He shouts at us and hits us when he is told off.

This morning he had refused to eat breakfast despite us being very calm and nice. He threw his spoon across the room and ran away and screamed and shouted at us both for about 10 mins that he wanted his spoon back (it was lost from the throwing so I got him a new one). We both stayed calm and he eventually ate his breakfast.
Took 1hr for him to eat a tiny bowl of cereal. By this point he was going to be late for school.
We went upstairs to get dressed and I helped him shower really fast, I dried him and brushed his hair. I had laid out all his clothes so it was easy for him to put them on but he refused to get dressed. He was insisting that I dress him.
I calmly explained that he could do it himself as I had to sort baby and I would help him with the tricky bits. He threw all the clothes off the bed and refused.
The next 30 mins I tried to convince him to get dressed but he just cried and screamed and kept throwing the clothes about.
I put him in his room to calm down for 3 mins. When I came back he still refused and carried on throwing the clothes in my face. By this point it was 9am (school drop off is 8.40am).
I totally lost it and went to put him in his room again for time out, he tried to stop me closing the door so I grabbed hold off him by his arm and shouted " stay in your room and stop being naughty". He still tried to stop me closing the door so I smacked him on the leg.
I've never smacked him before. He looked shocked snd terrified.
I took myself out of the room to calm down. When I came back I hugged him and apologised. He said "why did you hit me mummy , you really hurt me". He immediately got dressed and was very subdued. All the way to school he was subdued and sad. I kept telling him i loved him and that i was sorry for hurting him.
I hate myself. I was smacked alll the time as a child and i swore i would never do it to mine.

Will he hate me or feel scared of me?
Right now i feel like i don't deserve children and I have failed as a mother.

Sounds awful OP and I’ve been there too when my DS was 3 and I had a newborn. It’s such a stressful time. I smacked my DS who was being awful on the back of the head - it was a tap so didn’t hurt him at all but my god he wailed and I hated myself.

Over 3 years later and I haven’t done it since, so take this as a lesson that you won’t repeat.

Your DS sounds really challenging currently though so honestly, forgive yourself. I have never shouted at my DS more than when I had a newborn.

[quote N4ish]@User48751490

"In Wales it will be illegal to smack/hit children from next month. Hopefully the rest of the UK won’t be too far behind in bringing forward similar legislation."

"Scotland's already winning this race. Sorry."

No need to apologise, that's great to hear! Now just England and NI playing catch up.[/quote]
I know, hopefully whole of the UK sings from the same hymn sheet. Smack free nations would be the ideal.

He's a 4 year old boy who has to get used to having a new baby in the house, his behaviour is understandable, look up 4 year old development. OP you are making your life harder giving a 4 year old a shower before school! He needs one on one time, he's acting out as he wants to know he is still loved 😍

[quote DarleneSnell]@girlmom21 er no I didn't. Don't put words in people's mouths to assume some kind of moral high ground. I said he was naughty. He WAS. She didn't go up and randomly whack him, she was pushed hard. Perspective is important when the OP is on about hating herself.
[/quote]
Err yeah, you did. You're saying she was pushed to her limits so it's ok she smacked him because it harm him in the long term.

But him smacking her is part of him being "very, very naughty".

She's the one whos old enough to handle her emotions.

Don’t beat yourself up. It was a one off. It felt awful and you won’t do it again. He’ll forget about it, no real harm done.

@Itshothothot, I’m curious - what would you do if your child hit you? How would you make sure they never did it again? We have had some issues similar to OP and despite making it crystal clear that hitting is unacceptable, our DC still lashes out when angry.

OP, I have a similar age gap to you. DC1 was beyond trying for months after DC2 arrived and it was so difficult. We had different issues from you but bad behaviour, hitting me, etc. So I definitely think getting some support for you and some strategies for managing his behaviour would be a good thing as you may be in this for the long hall - it can take a while for them to adjust to the new sibling.

girlmom he didn't just hit her (as you know). I don't know what you tolerate at home but he was very naughty all morning. I'm saying to an already very guilty OP - a smack on the leg is no biggie in the long run and I absolutely stand by that.

If you think this makes her a shit mother and right to hate herself, then I'd argue the one with OTT emotions is you.

@Autumndays123

Ok *@drunkpanda* - so you think the best way to stop a toddler hitting and biting is to hit him? You think that will teach him it's not ok to hit?

I'm not replying to defend myself from something I didn't say. I don't hit my children. But I don't think your analogy about not hitting your boss really holds up.

@DarleneSnell I don't think the OP should beat herself up but I think suggestions of "it won't scar him if you only hit him occasionally" are dangerous.

@Autumndays123 You won't ask me twice? Is that a threat of some kind? I'm not really sure you understood the undertones of my comment 😂 nevermind

Oh, I understood them. Lol. I'm just not as sad and pathetic as you are to come on the internet belittling everyone with veiled threats and vague undertones because I feel so small about myself, that's all. So I deliberately responded as though it was meant literally as opposed to figuratively. Because people that behave like fools will get treated like fools. Anything else? I expect not since the other pp's have certainly told you about yourself in my absence 😂 Now now, Autumn, what did I tell you about minding the business that pays you? Tsk tsk. Don't @ me again please, love. Thank you. Ta ra 👋

Pick your battles OP.

Does it actually matter if he doesn't eat his cereal? Not really. He might be hungry, but it won't be the end of the world- they will get a snack at breaking.

Is it really a big deal for you to help him dress? Not really, it didn't save time as then you spend ages arguing about it.

I sometimes find myself bout to say "no" or tell off my 4 year old and then think "actually, does it matter if we do that" if it doesn't, why not just do it.

@KittensTeaAndCake

Meh. He got a one-off smack, big deal. He's not going to remember it and he won't be traumatised forever. He'll be fine OP. Move on

This^ Next time, let him go without breakfast. Meet the consequence of being hungry in the morning. Also, put him in the car in pjs and let him change in the car at school. He will learn to speed up.

@girlmom21 I've said nothing dangerous 🙄 Like many on here, I've tried to reassure a clearly loving, upset mum. Not sure what any of your points really are.

I don't like smacking but don't know how helpful this modern idea that anything other than praise and calm words is effectively abuse that will scar the child forever. Very few people can live up to that standard and trying to can just make parenting even more stressful than it needs to be.

People in this situation need realistic advice as well as advise on what to do when they mess up. It's real life not some fantasy parenting theory.

I walked away from my 4yo this morning as he didn't want to get his t shirt and top on for nursery. I shrugged, walked out room and got on with getting myself dressed.

He came downstairs ten minutes later with his t shirt and top on.

I've now got this strategy with mine that I ask once to get on coat and shoes then I go about getting myself ready. Once I'm ready they have either decided to at least make a start on their own clothing or I just manhandle them into it and we go outside.

The repeated polite asking, negotiating and pleading just made me more stressed and them feel their power and play me up further.

[quote lavender2022]**@Autumndays123* You won't ask me twice? Is that a threat of some kind? I'm not really sure you understood the undertones of my comment 😂 nevermind*

Oh, I understood them. Lol. I'm just not as sad and pathetic as you are to come on the internet belittling everyone with veiled threats and vague undertones because I feel so small about myself, that's all. So I deliberately responded as though it was meant literally as opposed to figuratively. Because people that behave like fools will get treated like fools. Anything else? I expect not since the other pp's have certainly told you about yourself in my absence 😂 Now now, Autumn, what did I tell you about minding the business that pays you? Tsk tsk. Don't @ me again please, love. Thank you. Ta ra 👋[/quote]
I just can't get my head around the way you write online. Telling people you 'wont ask them twice', 'tsk tsk'? Are you five? Look, I haven't made thinly veiled threats anywhere, I'm not sure if you've misunderstood or have some trouble with interpretation of words but I have no idea where you got that from.

If you genuinely think I'm a fool for saying you shouldn't be hitting your children, I despair. I'm glad that you decide to try some other parenting techniques other then hitting a small vulnerable child until it obeys you, and yeah I guess that is something to be proud of that you don't need to hit your kids anymore to parent them 🙌

I've done nothing wrong on this thread other than give my opinion, which is yes OP should feel bad because it doesn't matter that she was tired, stressed or whether he 'deserved it' which a lot of posters are suggesting, it was a moment of poor parenting and a loss of self control. It's no different to smacking your wife, husband or boss, you just don't do it and you use other ways to communicate your feelings. That said, the OP knows it was wrong, which is good. I have pointed out that I think a parent who 'snaps' once isn't a bad parent on the whole, but yes, if you do it more than once you are 100% a bad parent and do not have the tools to raise children properly. It is never ok to resort to violence against someone who can't defend themselves. Christ, I've even seen people on here suggesting it's ok to hit a child if it keeps hitting you!

You definitely seem to be up on your high horse about something, I'm not sure if it's because you know that you shouldn't have been using violence to control your kids in the past and you feel guilty about that. Quite frankly, that's not my problem. So please, stop with the very strange 'dont @ me' etc, unless you're 15 years old, that kind of language is really embarrassing, and is not having the desired effect you think it is. I do think maybe your defensiveness and strange way of communicating could be why you have issues parenting, so perhaps that is a good place to start working on yourself to be better for your daughter and teach her that when she grows up, no it's not ok to physically assault her children because she can't handle them. Because at the end of the day, that's the parents failing and not the child's.

@Autumndays123 😆😆😆 sorry love but I'm not reading that essay. As aforementioned, please do not @ me again. I have better things to do than converse with a stuck-up, self-absorbed, I-am-never-wrong-about-anything-because-I-am-perfect individual 🙄 Goodbye and good luck 😆👋

[quote lavender2022]@Autumndays123 😆😆😆 sorry love but I'm not reading that essay. As aforementioned, please do not @ me again. I have better things to do than converse with a stuck-up, self-absorbed, I-am-never-wrong-about-anything-because-I-am-perfect individual 🙄 Goodbye and good luck 😆👋[/quote]
I'm not perfect, if you think that a person saying don't hit your kids is a stuck up 'perfect person' then I can only pray for your children

@Autumndays123

Ok *@drunkpanda* - so you think the best way to stop a toddler hitting and biting is to hit him? You think that will teach him it's not ok to hit?

It worked for mine. 🤷🏻‍♀️

“If you hit me, I will hit you back.” Followed up with a light smack if she did. All the explaining that it hurt, that it wasn’t kind to hit, etc, hadn’t worked. After a few times of hitting her back (after giving ample warning), she stopped hitting. Her hand would draw back, I’d give her the look, her eyes would narrow as she considered it, and the hand would come down.

On MN the majority of posters equate a light smack with a beating. They are far from the same thing, imo. I don’t think it’s an appropriate or effective way of disciplining in most circumstances, but I think it serves a purpose occasionally.

@DrWife1 what happened is far from ideal, but you know that already. The fact that it got to that stage shows that you need more effective strategies to use with him (that don’t involve smacking). I think you need to be simultaneously firmer (earlier and authoritative strategies/sanctions for naughty behaviour like throwing things around and screaming and shouting) and gentler (he’s going through a tricky time adjusting to a new sibling - he’ll need ‘babying’ sometimes, and I think you should have got him dressed).

Don’t keep apologising - it’ll just make a bigger deal of it in his mind. If he mentions it again, explain that his behaviour that morning was very naughty and you lost your temper; grown ups make mistakes too. It’s great that you’ve asked for support from your HV; they may be able to recommend a parenting course.

I think how you can ‘make it up to him’ is by thinking about how to ensure it doesn’t happen again, including by streamlining the morning routine - no need for a shower (or if there is, you do it, dry and dress him), make getting dressed himself a game/ challenge, put a time limit on breakfast and give him a snack in his bag if he doesn’t eat within the time. I liked the suggestion of breakfast being a 1-2-1 time for chatting and eating. The main thing, I think, is seeing when it’s turning into a shitshow and heading that off at the pass early (ie before he’s chucking things around and screaming), because once you’re in entrenched positions, it’s hard for anyone to compromise. Saying something like ‘is this a morning when you need a bit of extra help from mummy?’ could help him feel like you’re still there for him and not focused exclusively on the baby (which may be how it feels to him).

You'll get flamed but I agree @DrinkingWishingSmokingHoping

Obviously it depends because there's a massive range that encompasses smacking. Having actually seen violent beatings on young kids, the rare smack to a child's hand who is hitting first or is about to touch something dangerous is not that deep.

@Autumndays123 I'm not perfect, if you think that a person saying don't hit your kids is a stuck up 'perfect person' then I can only pray for your children

This thread is inundated with individuals who have put you in your place on numerous occasions. You clearly are perfect, because you have cast judgement upon not only the OP but all other PP's who have also smacked their children at some point or another. In fact, allow me to be the contradictory party in all of this and state clearly that you are in fact not perfect. Far from it. That's why you are on here judging not only the OP but everybody else who doesn't follow the same course of action that you do/have done in the respect of your DC's. In conclusion, please, please 😆... do not pray for me or my child. We will both likely end up in Hell based on your judgemental, up yourself, contradictory and overall I-am-better-than-everybody-else portrayal and overall essence, in this thread. While it's painstakingly obvious that your enjoy conversing with me, the feeling is definitely not mutual. So please rest assured that any replies from you will be categorically ignored. Go well now, Autumn 👋

@DrinkingWishingSmokingHoping

*It worked for mine. 🤷🏻‍♀️

“If you hit me, I will hit you back.” Followed up with a light smack if she did. All the explaining that it hurt, that it wasn’t kind to hit, etc, hadn’t worked. After a few times of hitting her back (after giving ample warning), she stopped hitting. Her hand would draw back, I’d give her the look, her eyes would narrow as she considered it, and the hand would come down.*

Exactly what I would have resorted to had I not chosen the action vs consequences method.

Kindly ignore @Autumndays123

She is perfect and can do no wrong. No point conversing with such a closed-minded individual. A waste of precious time.👌