I smacked my 4 year old son and I hate myself. How can I make it up to him?

[DrWife1]

I have a beautiful 4 year old son and a 9 week old baby.

My son is lovely but can be a bit defiant at times, nothing major (not listening, running across roads, refusing to eat meals, throwing toys or clothes, refusing to get dressed). He shouts at us and hits us when he is told off.

This morning he had refused to eat breakfast despite us being very calm and nice. He threw his spoon across the room and ran away and screamed and shouted at us both for about 10 mins that he wanted his spoon back (it was lost from the throwing so I got him a new one). We both stayed calm and he eventually ate his breakfast.
Took 1hr for him to eat a tiny bowl of cereal. By this point he was going to be late for school.
We went upstairs to get dressed and I helped him shower really fast, I dried him and brushed his hair. I had laid out all his clothes so it was easy for him to put them on but he refused to get dressed. He was insisting that I dress him.
I calmly explained that he could do it himself as I had to sort baby and I would help him with the tricky bits. He threw all the clothes off the bed and refused.
The next 30 mins I tried to convince him to get dressed but he just cried and screamed and kept throwing the clothes about.
I put him in his room to calm down for 3 mins. When I came back he still refused and carried on throwing the clothes in my face. By this point it was 9am (school drop off is 8.40am).
I totally lost it and went to put him in his room again for time out, he tried to stop me closing the door so I grabbed hold off him by his arm and shouted " stay in your room and stop being naughty". He still tried to stop me closing the door so I smacked him on the leg.
I've never smacked him before. He looked shocked snd terrified.
I took myself out of the room to calm down. When I came back I hugged him and apologised. He said "why did you hit me mummy , you really hurt me". He immediately got dressed and was very subdued. All the way to school he was subdued and sad. I kept telling him i loved him and that i was sorry for hurting him.
I hate myself. I was smacked alll the time as a child and i swore i would never do it to mine.

Will he hate me or feel scared of me?
Right now i feel like i don't deserve children and I have failed as a mother.

I appreciate that. When you are at the end of your tether with your boss/partner, do you hit them too?

If my partner or boss was being as infuriating as a small child can be I'd just walk out the house/office. I'd also probably leave my husband or job if my husband or boss acted like OP's child did - an adult behaving like that would need an urgent psychological evaluation! It's not a comparable situation.

I appreciate that. When you are at the end of your tether with your boss/partner, do you hit them too?

Clearly not.

No-one is happy about this, least of all the OP. If she thought it was just fine and was planning to do it again and again, the responses on here would be very different. She needs help to move on, not the sort of reductive and irrelevant reasoning that you are employing.

@Mischance

I appreciate that. When you are at the end of your tether with your boss/partner, do you hit them too?

Clearly not.

No-one is happy about this, least of all the OP. If she thought it was just fine and was planning to do it again and again, the responses on here would be very different. She needs help to move on, not the sort of reductive and irrelevant reasoning that you are employing.

Because there's a risk you might get hit back or overpowered?

Also I just leave the food if the kids don't want it I don't force it and they have something on the way to school or before they leave

If he needs a shower because he smells keep on with it but for your sake don't force the breakfast

And move on from it don't discuss again with him or he will think it's a big deal

I dont think you are a terrible mother. The fact you feel so guilty is proof that you want to break the cycle that you grew up in.

You have a 9 week old too. Cut yourself some slack. You know smacking isnt ok, you just lost control.

You need to put some coping strategies in place for yourself and your son. Give him as many choices as possible in the morning routine - do you want cereal or toast for breakfast? This bowl or that? Which spoon? Which cup? Water or milk? Do you want to wear this underwear or these ones? Same with socks. Give choice and flexibility to him so that he has an element of control, which will in turn mean that when you run into a non negotiable situation i.e. time to get dressed or eat, he will be more likely to cooperate if hes had some say in the matter.
do you want to play ispy on the way to school or see how many buses we can count?. That will get him out the door. Same with snack for playtime, give him a choice. This shower gel or that one. Its hard but it works and ultimately the thing you want done gets done. Although i agree with showering or bathing the night before.

Be patient, with him and yourself OP.

As a side note though, considering this was just before he went to school there's a high chance he has told his teacher and that is something you need to prepare for.

@Autumndays123

As a side note though, considering this was just before he went to school there's a high chance he has told his teacher and that is something you need to prepare for.

Why are you doing this? What are you getting out of trying to upset and worry the OP? Does it make you feel like you're telling your own mummy off at long last?

@mugoftea456

You haven't failed. You aren't a terrible mother. You are someone who is incredibly stressed and needing support.

I am completely against smacking, however I recognise you just lost control.

Act normal when you pick him up today.

I would suggest trying to make mornings easier.

1. You don't need to shower him in the morning. That's adding time and stress.
2. If he is dicking about with breakfast, don't force him. He won't do that forever after going to school hungry.
3. Won't get dressed? He goes to school in pjs and get dressed there. It's not the end of the world and he will only do that one once !

Go easy on yourself !

Something along these lines 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm sure your son has an amazing diet and eats well so if he misses breakfast 2 days is perfectly fine! Yes, I get that people want to bathe the kids everyday but, again, if you miss a day your child isn't disgusting or going to be ill. Cut yourself some slack when you need

What you need to do is arrange in your day one to one time with your son. He's not the only one anymore and it's tough on him

Btw, I am not 100% against smacking but it needs to be for "life or death" situations. In this case you lost control. Just walk away next time. Stay strong and good luck

Skip the shower and ease off on the breakfast pressure. Sounds like you're all under stress and your son is feeding off that as well as insecurity over the arrival of a sibling.

@Autumndays123 I'm also quite surprised at the PP who admits how she used to smack her child but now concentrates on teaching how behaviours have negative consequences (bit pot kettle)

I couldn't care less if you're surprised. It's called teaching my child to do the right thing as opposed to the wrong thing, which is obviously what I used to do. Keywords being "used to". Should I continue smacking her and not teaching her action vs consequence then? That's what I thought. Loud and wrong. How about you mind the business that pays you and I'll continue to do exactly the same? Great. Run along now 🙄

@HardbackWriter what a strange post. No my mother is dead but I'm not sure what relevance this has to do with this, did she smack OPs child too? Because she certainly never smacked me.

I'm not trying to upset the OP. She smacked her child, who then became very sad and subdued as they went to school, of course it's a possibility he told his teacher! Don't you think the teacher would have asked him why he was sad?! Pointing that out to OP and telling her to have it in her mind to mentally prepare if that does happen isn't 'getting' anything out of the situation. You must have quite a warped way of thinking

[quote lavender2022]**@Autumndays123* I'm also quite surprised at the PP who admits how she used to smack her child but now concentrates on teaching how behaviours have negative consequences (bit pot kettle)*

I couldn't care less if you're surprised. It's called teaching my child to do the right thing as opposed to the wrong thing, which is obviously what I used to do. Keywords being "used to". Should I continue smacking her and not teaching her action vs consequence then? That's what I thought. Loud and wrong. How about you mind the business that pays you and I'll continue to do exactly the same? Great. Run along now 🙄 [/quote]
Yes, fingers crossed she learns the difference between right and wrong and doesn't resort to violence towards small children when she grows up 🤞

Agree with changing your morning routine.

It's a one off, you can guarantee he'll skip out of school happy as Larry.
You'll feel better tomorrow.

Try and have some 1-2-1 with him. If baby is fed and asleep,pass them to dad and go and play with him in his room. Little things like this can make a big difference in their little world.

Congrats on your new baby

@Autumndays123 Yes, fingers crossed she learns the difference between right and wrong and doesn't resort to violence towards small children when she grows up 🤞

Precisely. Or violence towards anyone for that matter. Why? Because violence towards anyone unprovoked is ....? Go on, say it with me.... Wrong. 👏

Thank you for contradicting yourself. Now I won't ask you twice ... 🏃‍♀️👋

Autumndays123

“OP, honestly, you should feel bad about it and I hope that you really take the time to reflect on what happened and ensure it never happens again. “

FGS, I take it you’ve never made a mistake like this in your life then? Never lost control out of sheer frustration and snapped under the overwhelming pressure of being a parent? The poor OP feels bad enough and statements like this are just so unhelpful.

Couple of things stand out for me

New baby, he wants attention and is unsettled
Showering in the morning, why isn’t it done the night before to make it easier for all of you?
Lack of control of the situation, likely because mornings are poorly organised.

I think you and your husband need to focus on making morning routine simpler with less to do, and also focus on how to cope when tantrums occur and how to reassure this little boy better.

What concerns me most though is he said you really hurt him. Do you think this is true? Did you hit him hard? Becayse there is a very big difference to be smacking a child lightly to reprimand (still very poor parenting for me) and hitting a child so hard you physically hurt them. That’s abuse, no matter what the circumstances and I can’t sugar coat it. If your boss walked up to you and slapped you one that’s what you’d say.

[quote Autumndays123]@HardbackWriter what a strange post. No my mother is dead but I'm not sure what relevance this has to do with this, did she smack OPs child too? Because she certainly never smacked me.

I'm not trying to upset the OP. She smacked her child, who then became very sad and subdued as they went to school, of course it's a possibility he told his teacher! Don't you think the teacher would have asked him why he was sad?! Pointing that out to OP and telling her to have it in her mind to mentally prepare if that does happen isn't 'getting' anything out of the situation. You must have quite a warped way of thinking[/quote]
Indeed so - but how does it help to point this out? I very much doubt whether DrWife1 has not thought of this herself.

I am sure you have never smacked your children - that is very laudable. But are you also teaching them kindness? Your posts are simply unkind - and who does this serve? Do you feel great for boosting your ego, while trying to cause someone else distress?

The aim here is to make sure this unfortunate incident does not happen again, and it is good to see so many posters grasping this and trying to help. So many posters being understanding and kind. That is what will serve this little boy's best interests (as well as his Mum). That should be the aim.

@HardbackWriter
As a side note though, considering this was just before he went to school there's a high chance he has told his teacher and that is something you need to prepare for.

Oh, don't mind @Autumndays123 . She's just being a good old, perfect parent that looks down their nose at anyone who would do anything that she wouldn't because she's so perfect.

Yet apparently delivering a veiled threat towards someone seeking advice is a "nice" thing to do, huh?

Duly noted. 🙄

You should not have apologised and you should have smacked him before he let himself get so out of control. You are the adult here and you have to teach him self control. Imagine if he started acting this way with his teacher, friends or with his wife. Sometimes it takes a smack on the bum or leg. It's not to inflict pain or to really punish, but to surprise them and to bring them back to their senses - let them know they have crossed a line. You cannot always reason with a four year old child when they are out of control.

I think people days do not understand the difference between a smack on the bum/leg to get their attention or a full out brutal beating.

@Fangdrew

“OP, honestly, you should feel bad about it and I hope that you really take the time to reflect on what happened and ensure it never happens again. “

FGS, I take it you’ve never made a mistake like this in your life then? Never lost control out of sheer frustration and snapped under the overwhelming pressure of being a parent? The poor OP feels bad enough and statements like this are just so unhelpful.

Of course not @Fangdrew because @Autumndays123 is the perfect pillar of society

Forgive yourself OP, move on! And you need bit of strategy for mornings lol

My DS loves his timer! Set up a timer to finish breakfast, shower at bedtime not mornings(we e we wont make it school!), and yes he needs help getting dressed

All can be done :)

Make him a little star chart - get a star for hitting his morning targets - like 1 for eating breakfast, 1 for getting dressed by himself, 1 for getting into the car quickly and easily - whatever you need - then if he gets 5 stars (or however many you think) in a week he gets a little treat. Instead of stars you can do marbles and collect them in a little jar. When he get 5 or 10 he gets a treat.

You can then swap the tasks he needs to complete to get a marble according to what is causing problem. It might help!

Also - don't shower him in the morning!!

You need to think of other ways to deal with defiance because you've got years of him going to school.

Is he the type to be embarrassed about being late? In which case you need to use that as an incentive to hurry up.

You were already late so why didn't you get him changed after the baby was ready ?

[quote Autumndays123]@HardbackWriter what a strange post. No my mother is dead but I'm not sure what relevance this has to do with this, did she smack OPs child too? Because she certainly never smacked me.

I'm not trying to upset the OP. She smacked her child, who then became very sad and subdued as they went to school, of course it's a possibility he told his teacher! Don't you think the teacher would have asked him why he was sad?! Pointing that out to OP and telling her to have it in her mind to mentally prepare if that does happen isn't 'getting' anything out of the situation. You must have quite a warped way of thinking[/quote]
I'm not trying to upset the OP

Yes you are.

Give yourself a gold medal in parenting and do one.

@mugoftea456

You haven't failed. You aren't a terrible mother. You are someone who is incredibly stressed and needing support.

I am completely against smacking, however I recognise you just lost control.

Act normal when you pick him up today.

I would suggest trying to make mornings easier.

1. You don't need to shower him in the morning. That's adding time and stress.
2. If he is dicking about with breakfast, don't force him. He won't do that forever after going to school hungry.
3. Won't get dressed? He goes to school in pjs and get dressed there. It's not the end of the world and he will only do that one once !

Go easy on yourself !

Agree with this, you spend way too much time negotiating @DrWife1