I smacked my 4 year old son and I hate myself. How can I make it up to him?

[DrWife1]

I have a beautiful 4 year old son and a 9 week old baby.

My son is lovely but can be a bit defiant at times, nothing major (not listening, running across roads, refusing to eat meals, throwing toys or clothes, refusing to get dressed). He shouts at us and hits us when he is told off.

This morning he had refused to eat breakfast despite us being very calm and nice. He threw his spoon across the room and ran away and screamed and shouted at us both for about 10 mins that he wanted his spoon back (it was lost from the throwing so I got him a new one). We both stayed calm and he eventually ate his breakfast.
Took 1hr for him to eat a tiny bowl of cereal. By this point he was going to be late for school.
We went upstairs to get dressed and I helped him shower really fast, I dried him and brushed his hair. I had laid out all his clothes so it was easy for him to put them on but he refused to get dressed. He was insisting that I dress him.
I calmly explained that he could do it himself as I had to sort baby and I would help him with the tricky bits. He threw all the clothes off the bed and refused.
The next 30 mins I tried to convince him to get dressed but he just cried and screamed and kept throwing the clothes about.
I put him in his room to calm down for 3 mins. When I came back he still refused and carried on throwing the clothes in my face. By this point it was 9am (school drop off is 8.40am).
I totally lost it and went to put him in his room again for time out, he tried to stop me closing the door so I grabbed hold off him by his arm and shouted " stay in your room and stop being naughty". He still tried to stop me closing the door so I smacked him on the leg.
I've never smacked him before. He looked shocked snd terrified.
I took myself out of the room to calm down. When I came back I hugged him and apologised. He said "why did you hit me mummy , you really hurt me". He immediately got dressed and was very subdued. All the way to school he was subdued and sad. I kept telling him i loved him and that i was sorry for hurting him.
I hate myself. I was smacked alll the time as a child and i swore i would never do it to mine.

Will he hate me or feel scared of me?
Right now i feel like i don't deserve children and I have failed as a mother.

OP, please go easy on yourself. You recognised your mistake right away, and now you can take steps to not do it again.

It sounds like a total nightmare with juggling the DS and a 9 week old baby, that's enough to stress anyone out!

@Ellowyn "Sometimes it takes a smack on the bum or leg. It's not to inflict pain or to really punish, but to surprise them and to bring them back to their senses - let them know they have crossed a line. You cannot always reason with a four year old child when they are out of control."

Can I use this logic when dealing with my uncle who suffers from dementia? He also sometimes gets out of control and can't be reasoned with. Why is it ok to hit a child but not an elderly person?

Just say to yourself that's the first and last time you are going to do that. Draw a line. Even my saintly non-smacking mother once smacked the back of my legs. Just once. Never again. We laugh about it all these years later but even the kindest nicest people can get driven to the edge by a defiant child.

But you know that's not how you want to parent, so don't. There's a lot of negotiation and a lot of very bad behaviour on his part (hitting you when you try to stop him) which needs tighter control from the outset and then things will go much easier, you've got some good ideas on this thread, others speak highly of 1,2,3 Magic at this age as well.

Don't 'make it up' to him though- why? You lost control, you can't change that, no need to go on about it or do anything to compensate right now. He's looking to see who's in charge here, and undermining yourself isn't going to help- in fact, you being much clearer about the boundaries around eating, dressing and so forth will help both of you.

This is such a hard time. I have the same age gap. Just remember this is now when it all hits him - the baby isn't going anywhere. I would try a bit of love bombing if you can. Baby in the sling and do some activities just for him (I know how hard this is though!) And lots of praise.

Ditch the shower and toast on the school run. He won't die!

[quote TheNightWeMet]@Autumndays123 I agree, most people wouldn’t smack an adult that was getting on their nerves. I cannot understand how you could be pushed to smack an innocent child who knows no better. It can have a major effect on their confidence and mental well-being growing up, even just once incident can be scarring for life, trust me I know![/quote]
Well that's helpful, feel better now?

I have seen many a small child, getting a smack on the legs for being a bit naughty, when a raised voice from a parent is not enough, Usually noticed in shopping centres and the like., when a child goes running off,or in the road etc.. Nobody seems to use reins nowadays, which you still have to use, if your child is apt to scoot off at this age.

Children will never learn right from wrong,if never chastised about some things that are not acceptable, as in chucking things around the house etc. and refusing to do certain things... They have to be taught about such things, and they wont be scarred for life about some strong words from a parent.

Behaviour is communication
Look at the timeline
He was pissed off you went to do stuff with baby

He us four with new baby
May need more babying not less for a while

What will you do next time to remain calm ?

This is a classic reaction from a sibling to a new baby. He sees you dressing the baby, he wants you to do the same to him. He doesn't understand why he has to get dressed alone while the baby gets dressed by you.

I don't think you should try to "make it up" to him, the best thing you can do is learn from it and have a plan for next time.

[quote lavender2022]**@Autumndays123* Yes, fingers crossed she learns the difference between right and wrong and doesn't resort to violence towards small children when she grows up* 🤞

Precisely. Or violence towards anyone for that matter. Why? Because violence towards anyone unprovoked is ....? Go on, say it with me.... Wrong. 👏

Thank you for contradicting yourself. Now I won't ask you twice ... 🏃‍♀️👋[/quote]
You won't ask me twice? Is that a threat of some kind? I'm not really sure you understood the undertones of my comment 😂 nevermind.

[quote lavender2022]@HardbackWriter
As a side note though, considering this was just before he went to school there's a high chance he has told his teacher and that is something you need to prepare for.

Oh, don't mind @Autumndays123 . She's just being a good old, perfect parent that looks down their nose at anyone who would do anything that she wouldn't because she's so perfect.

Yet apparently delivering a veiled threat towards someone seeking advice is a "nice" thing to do, huh?

Duly noted. 🙄 [/quote]
Good grief. Not smacking your children doesn't make you a perfect parent, it makes you a decent one.

I'm not sure why the smackers are jumping on me. OP has posted and asked if what she did was wrong, I've said yes it is. Are you only allowed to post if you tell her no, she lost her temper and it's ok?

Don't worry OP, I got smacked as a kid and I'm okay and I love my parents. Sometimes children do need to understand consequences and as much as it shouldn't be done often, I don't think there's any harm in doing it very occasionally if they're being mega naughty, also sometimes I think they secretly need it to put them in their place. Discipline is most definitely needed with naughty young children! Anyone on here who slates it, I'd love to know what methods they've used that honestly work..

Would agree with a PP who recommended doing some babying so he doesn't suddenly feel he has to be a 'big boy'. I realise this is easier to type than to put into practice!

I had a similar age gap and my oldest was a real nightmare for the first 6 months of her sibling's life but we all gradually adjusted and things improved.

I did the same recently, I just calmed down, had 1-1 time with my son where I explained that everyone makes mistakes and that it’s not ok to hit others and that I am very sorry.

Winding back to your stage, I'd have lost control at this point. I had a similar gap, too, and my then 4 year old behaved appallingly.

Knowing what I know now, I'd have gone along with dressing him, thrown a snack in the car/buggy and forgone the shower.

Negotiating , screaming, arguing with them will only escalate the situation and cause more stress all round. It only gives them the,attention they crave.

I can't say not doing any of this would have avoided the situation entirely but it is a phase so just try to breathe through it. If you get too hung up on fixing it, you'll start to lose confidence in yourself when this is normal.

Could you speak to his class teacher to take the pressure off yourself? Just say you are struggling a bit in the mornings and might be a bit late on occasion

My eldest is approaching 18 now. She is STILL crap at getting out on time but it's her problem now, not mine

@mugoftea456

You haven't failed. You aren't a terrible mother. You are someone who is incredibly stressed and needing support.

I am completely against smacking, however I recognise you just lost control.

Act normal when you pick him up today.

I would suggest trying to make mornings easier.

1. You don't need to shower him in the morning. That's adding time and stress.
2. If he is dicking about with breakfast, don't force him. He won't do that forever after going to school hungry.
3. Won't get dressed? He goes to school in pjs and get dressed there. It's not the end of the world and he will only do that one once !

Go easy on yourself !

I agree with all this and I remember taking my dd to nursery school in her pjs once. Of course, she changed when there but never messed around with dressing again. It’s called natural consequences

@Autumndays123

I always wonder if the people who condone smacking by saying the smacker is tired/stressed/child was difficult etc smack their partners or their boss when they are also tired/stressed/being difficult

Partners and bosses don't usually give that kind of aggro.

OP I’m sorry you had a shit morning and as you rightfully stated you shouldn’t have smacked your child. Definitely draw a line under it now though and move on. By bringing it fresh to his mind again I feel you are making it an even bigger thing than it was. What about his behaviour at the time? It was pretty damn bad for you to get that frustrated.
I am 100% against smacking but he wasn’t behaving well at all either. He needs to learn (without smacking obviously), who is in charge and what is expected of him.

He’s likely struggling with the new baby being there stealing mum’s attention but he needs to learn all the same. There are a few things other posters have pointed out that will really help you with your morning routine as well.

1. No shower in the morning. 2. Set a timer for the breakfast to be eaten, preferably one he can see going down. Explain where 0 is and that means breakfast gets taken away. Stick to it, whether he’s eaten or not. 3. Sticker charts, sticker charts, sticker charts. Where are the rewards for him being a good boy? What’s in it for him? 4. One on one time wherever possible so he doesn’t feel jealous of baby. But mornings are stressful for most people so don’t beat yourself up about that. 5. Prepare everything you possibly could the night before. Clothes laid out, packed lunch already sorted. Coat, shoes etc already by the door for him to grab easily without your help - eventually. Eventually he will get there.

Good luck and congrats on baby!

Bath/shower before bed, the night before.

Offer breakfast, if doesn't eat it - leave it.

Make sure you are up sharp so he doesn't feel rushed getting ready each morning.

I have four children to organise every morning. Getting up 6am is a life saver. Allows loads of time to not get stressed. Keep it relaxed.

You had a bad day. You have reflected on it. Don't beat yourself up. Time to move on. Onwards and upwards 💐

Id have smacked DS long before that. 4 is quite old enough to know how to behave.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

Id have smacked DS long before that. 4 is quite old enough to know how to behave.

4 years is plenty long enough for you have taught him how to behave then, surely? It sounds like it would have been a failure in your parenting, by your logic?

If you think a 4 year old deserves to be hit because they want attention when there's a new baby in the home you don't deserve children.

@OnceuponaRainbow18

I did the same recently, I just calmed down, had 1-1 time with my son where I explained that everyone makes mistakes and that it’s not ok to hit others and that I am very sorry.

I am hoping that you are having a more peaceful and cheerful evening.

Please do the same as OnceuponaRainbow18 and cur yourself some slack.

I am sending you lots of good wishes.

cut - not cur!

@Ellowyn

You should not have apologised and you should have smacked him before he let himself get so out of control. You are the adult here and you have to teach him self control. Imagine if he started acting this way with his teacher, friends or with his wife. Sometimes it takes a smack on the bum or leg. It's not to inflict pain or to really punish, but to surprise them and to bring them back to their senses - let them know they have crossed a line. You cannot always reason with a four year old child when they are out of control.

I think people days do not understand the difference between a smack on the bum/leg to get their attention or a full out brutal beating.

Finally somebody said it! If you’re in England, smacking as reasonable discipline (completely separate from abuse) is legal and while you’re free to choose NOT to parent that way, there’s nothing wrong with it either.

@user1471447924 being legal doesn't make it ok.