I smacked my 4 year old son and I hate myself. How can I make it up to him?

[DrWife1]

I have a beautiful 4 year old son and a 9 week old baby.

My son is lovely but can be a bit defiant at times, nothing major (not listening, running across roads, refusing to eat meals, throwing toys or clothes, refusing to get dressed). He shouts at us and hits us when he is told off.

This morning he had refused to eat breakfast despite us being very calm and nice. He threw his spoon across the room and ran away and screamed and shouted at us both for about 10 mins that he wanted his spoon back (it was lost from the throwing so I got him a new one). We both stayed calm and he eventually ate his breakfast.
Took 1hr for him to eat a tiny bowl of cereal. By this point he was going to be late for school.
We went upstairs to get dressed and I helped him shower really fast, I dried him and brushed his hair. I had laid out all his clothes so it was easy for him to put them on but he refused to get dressed. He was insisting that I dress him.
I calmly explained that he could do it himself as I had to sort baby and I would help him with the tricky bits. He threw all the clothes off the bed and refused.
The next 30 mins I tried to convince him to get dressed but he just cried and screamed and kept throwing the clothes about.
I put him in his room to calm down for 3 mins. When I came back he still refused and carried on throwing the clothes in my face. By this point it was 9am (school drop off is 8.40am).
I totally lost it and went to put him in his room again for time out, he tried to stop me closing the door so I grabbed hold off him by his arm and shouted " stay in your room and stop being naughty". He still tried to stop me closing the door so I smacked him on the leg.
I've never smacked him before. He looked shocked snd terrified.
I took myself out of the room to calm down. When I came back I hugged him and apologised. He said "why did you hit me mummy , you really hurt me". He immediately got dressed and was very subdued. All the way to school he was subdued and sad. I kept telling him i loved him and that i was sorry for hurting him.
I hate myself. I was smacked alll the time as a child and i swore i would never do it to mine.

Will he hate me or feel scared of me?
Right now i feel like i don't deserve children and I have failed as a mother.

It seems doubly inappropriate to me for pro-smacking posters to colonise this thread arguing that hitting children is fine. Not only is it a harmful and offensive message in itself, but OP herself very clearly doesn't agree that it's OK.

OP don't listen to those trying to tell you that you shouldn't apologise. Listen to your own instincts telling you that you absolutely should - cuddle him, use it as a teaching moment about adults being fallible and losing control. Apologising to children shows them that you can be humble and take responsibility for wrongdoing without the sky falling in, which I think a lot of adults could stand to learn as well.

It won't wreck your relationship if you handle it well now, and don't repeat it.

But her ds also needs to be aware that his behaviour is out of order too.

Different people have different views. Some people smack, some don’t. Some people shout at their children, others don’t view that as good parenting. Horses for courses.

The OP is clearly upset that she did something she was uncomfortable with, so she needs to find other parenting strategies that fit with what she wants for her family, but equally she shouldn’t feel like she “doesn’t deserve to be a mother” either.

But her ds also needs to be aware that his behaviour is out of order too

Not fancying breakfast and not wanting to her dressed. He's 4. Hardly a punishable offence.

Yes but it's a total pita if he needs to be at school

The pro smacking is so concerning. Another little kid who is too tiny to fight back being hit. They need to make this illegal and fast.

The un convention on the rights of children has already outlawed this, and most of mainland eu has accepted and implemented, the uk is so far behind here it’s dismaying.

It’s no more ok to slap or assault your child than it is to slap or assault your wife, or your co worker or some random in the street.

Fortunately the op knows this. So I also hope she ignores the posts encouraging her to assault her child more often.

Not fancying breakfast and not wanting to her dressed. He's 4. Hardly a punishable offence

I bloody hate smacking but it’s much, much more than that.

ran away and screamed and shouted at us both for about 10 mins

he refused to get dressed

I tried to convince him to get dressed but he just cried and screamed and kept throwing the clothes about

refused and carried on throwing the clothes in my face. By this point it was 9am (school drop off is 8.40am).

Like I say I hate smacking but I don’t think the behaviour that led to it should be minimised either. The child sounds a bit out of control to me.

@Caramelvanillafudge but he'd asked her to get him dressed and she said no and continued fighting with him for half an hour.

Helping him with an encouragement of independence would have been much more productive.

He asks her to do something, she says no. She asks him to do something, he says no.
Then he gets told he's naughty for saying no - ok the other behaviour isn't good from him but he's still learning to communicate and him lashing out in frustration is only the same as OP lashing out, either verbally or physically

Who has got time for all that nonsense

I had 3 under 4 and sometimes you need to go. Luckily my eldest dd was lovely

The child sounds a bit out of control to me

I’ve never yet met a four year old who hasn’t at some point been out of control. He’s four. They can’t communicate properly. They have occasional tantrums and are naughty. I’m sure he’s an otherwise lovely child.

He’s not expected to be fully in control at four. His parents are.

@girlmom21

Helping him with an encouragement of independence would have been much more productive.

Unfortunately doesn't work..... it's just a frustrating side effect of having more than one child, especially at that age difference. my daughter just plainly said she wanted to be a baby when she grows up!

@Fairylightsongs in fairness that sounded a LOT more critical than I meant it to.

I don’t think the OP should have smacked but I do think that she had to do something to take back a bit of control, so I meant it supportively but it came over as the opposite as to how I intended it.

As for others - well tbh there are some on here who have an opinion on everything whether they know about it, or not.

I'm genuinely dismayed by the pro smacking on this thread. Some people even sound like they are encouraging it! I'm sorry but if you routinely smack your children as a way to punish/exert control you are a terrible, terrible parent

@Autumndays123

I'm genuinely dismayed by the pro smacking on this thread. Some people even sound like they are encouraging it! I'm sorry but if you routinely smack your children as a way to punish/exert control you are a terrible, terrible parent

I agree. Never, ever smacked my dc. It isn’t necessary.

Smacking's not great obviously, but I think a simple apology and explanation will be enough. It sounds as if his behaviour is quite tricky at present so don't let the guilt over the smack make you tiptoe around him and give it...that will make things worse.
It sounds as if your morning routine needs a major overhaul.
I'd get him dressed before breakfast (evening bath or shower not morning)
Help him get dressed, he's still little.
Breakfast, give him a timer and leave him be. If he doesn't eat he'll be hungry but he'll survive until morning snack or lunch.
Keep your morning routine as simple as possible and be prepared to give him more support than you think he "should" have right now.
Remember, just because you've had a baby doesn't mean he's suddenly grown up.

[quote grey12]@girlmom21

Helping him with an encouragement of independence would have been much more productive.

Unfortunately doesn't work..... it's just a frustrating side effect of having more than one child, especially at that age difference. my daughter just plainly said she wanted to be a baby when she grows up![/quote]
Oh yeah my DD says she wants to be carried like a baby when it's bedtime or asks us to feed her and it's a bit irritating (although a smaller age gap) but we'll encourage her to do it, and if we're doing it for her will talk about how she's a big girl now and can show her little sister how to be a big girl etc. sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. It's a process for sure

@woodhill

Who has got time for all that nonsense

I had 3 under 4 and sometimes you need to go. Luckily my eldest dd was lovely

So is smacking them more productive than just getting them dressed?

And I don't mean that towards those who have done it once like the OP. Any more than that and seriously, why did you have children? If you lack the basic tools of parenting and feel you must be violent to a small child who cannot defend themselves you are a bully.

And before anyone starts going nuts. That is aimed at no one in particular, but anyone who thinks it's either ok to smack, encourages it, or in all honesty, has done it more than once. I do however appreciate things have changed in recent years and being smacked in the 70s and 80s by parents was very different!

Don't worry about it. He will have learned that even mummies can be pushed too far.

No not necessarily but you don't have time to reason with your dc if you need to be somewhere

@woodhill

No not necessarily but you don't have time to reason with your dc if you need to be somewhere

Then you don't reason with them. You just get them dressed. You don't hit them.

If you've got more children than you can manage that's your fault, not theirs.

Sounds like OP was having a tough time if he was busy throwing clothes at her

@Autumndays123

I always wonder if the people who condone smacking by saying the smacker is tired/stressed/child was difficult etc smack their partners or their boss when they are also tired/stressed/being difficult

Of course they don't. But my boss are partners also don't hit me or bite me or any of the things my child used to do as a toddler and up to around 5.

Don't worry, OP. He was being very, very naughty. You're a human as well as a parent, and you hit a limit after showing a lot of tolerance. If he's had a shock, hard cheese. The odd smack on the leg from a loving parent is not going to scar him.

Ok @drunkpanda - so you think the best way to stop a toddler hitting and biting is to hit him? You think that will teach him it's not ok to hit?