I smacked my 4 year old son and I hate myself. How can I make it up to him?

[DrWife1]

I have a beautiful 4 year old son and a 9 week old baby.

My son is lovely but can be a bit defiant at times, nothing major (not listening, running across roads, refusing to eat meals, throwing toys or clothes, refusing to get dressed). He shouts at us and hits us when he is told off.

This morning he had refused to eat breakfast despite us being very calm and nice. He threw his spoon across the room and ran away and screamed and shouted at us both for about 10 mins that he wanted his spoon back (it was lost from the throwing so I got him a new one). We both stayed calm and he eventually ate his breakfast.
Took 1hr for him to eat a tiny bowl of cereal. By this point he was going to be late for school.
We went upstairs to get dressed and I helped him shower really fast, I dried him and brushed his hair. I had laid out all his clothes so it was easy for him to put them on but he refused to get dressed. He was insisting that I dress him.
I calmly explained that he could do it himself as I had to sort baby and I would help him with the tricky bits. He threw all the clothes off the bed and refused.
The next 30 mins I tried to convince him to get dressed but he just cried and screamed and kept throwing the clothes about.
I put him in his room to calm down for 3 mins. When I came back he still refused and carried on throwing the clothes in my face. By this point it was 9am (school drop off is 8.40am).
I totally lost it and went to put him in his room again for time out, he tried to stop me closing the door so I grabbed hold off him by his arm and shouted " stay in your room and stop being naughty". He still tried to stop me closing the door so I smacked him on the leg.
I've never smacked him before. He looked shocked snd terrified.
I took myself out of the room to calm down. When I came back I hugged him and apologised. He said "why did you hit me mummy , you really hurt me". He immediately got dressed and was very subdued. All the way to school he was subdued and sad. I kept telling him i loved him and that i was sorry for hurting him.
I hate myself. I was smacked alll the time as a child and i swore i would never do it to mine.

Will he hate me or feel scared of me?
Right now i feel like i don't deserve children and I have failed as a mother.

@DarleneSnell

Don't worry, OP. He was being very, very naughty. You're a human as well as a parent, and you hit a limit after showing a lot of tolerance. If he's had a shock, hard cheese. The odd smack on the leg from a loving parent is not going to scar him.

But nobody's saying "him hitting you occasionally won't scar you" are they? They're saying he's naughty.

It's very common for older siblings to regress when a baby comes along.

My dd was confidently getting changed herself for months but when her brother came along, she seemed to forget how to do it overnight. Somebody helpfully told me that it's common to regress by up to half their age. My 3 year old dd was acting like she's 2 or younger so this fits.

With a lot of patience she jumped back to her actual age a few months later. Remember that gaining a sibling is like your spouse taking a second wife/husband. It's a massive shock and when sibling rivalry is thrown into the mix, it's easy to see why your son wanted you to change him (the attention for one )

If this keeps on happening then it's up for you as the adult to make the necessary changes to the morning routine. Maybe you need to get up earlier ? Sit down with him while he eats and use a sling or baby seat so he can feel like he has your focus. Most people bathe their kids at night and get changed before breakfast so that the morning routine is shorter. Is this worth a consideration ?

Seriously? Calm down. He was being a wee shit and you lost your temper. You apologised. Let it go. And definitely don't keep apologising. He's not too young to very quickly learn how to manipulate your guilt.

There’s a series from the Tavistock called ‘Understanding your … 4/5 year old’ that I was reading the other night - they want to be grown up but they want to be babies, too.

For this funny period when your actual baby is very small, and you are still in recovery, just dress him, feed him, bath at night rather than shower in the morning etc. His independence might take a step back for a bit, but it won’t be permanent (… and he is having to be a big boy at school, in any case).

@Autumndays123

I'm genuinely dismayed by the pro smacking on this thread. Some people even sound like they are encouraging it! I'm sorry but if you routinely smack your children as a way to punish/exert control you are a terrible, terrible parent

My 1yo loved nothing more than to climb and dance on the glass table with tiled floors next to a thick granite counter (rental property, couldn't really change anything). Nothing worked to get her to stop.

So do tell me what's less bad for her: a life changing injury/death (falling off was bound to happen at some point) or a smack in the hand? 🤷🏻‍♀️ two light smacks in the hand was all it took to get her to stop. After DAYS of other failed techniques and a lot of near heart attacks!!

I said earlier that OP lost her cool and that is not good. But smacking can occasionally be useful when small children just don't understand the enormous danger of what they are doing and all other techniques have completely failed to stop the behaviour

My 1yo loved nothing more than to climb and dance on the glass table with tiled floors next to a thick granite counter (rental property, couldn't really change anything). Nothing worked to get her to stop.So do tell me what's less bad for her: a life changing injury/death (falling off was bound to happen at some point) or a smack in the hand

I think someone looking after her and being with her when she’s in the room to stop her climbing is usually the way to handle it.

@Snowisfalling33

Smacking's not great obviously, but I think a simple apology and explanation will be enough. It sounds as if his behaviour is quite tricky at present so don't let the guilt over the smack make you tiptoe around him and give it...that will make things worse. It sounds as if your morning routine needs a major overhaul. I'd get him dressed before breakfast (evening bath or shower not morning) Help him get dressed, he's still little. Breakfast, give him a timer and leave him be. If he doesn't eat he'll be hungry but he'll survive until morning snack or lunch. Keep your morning routine as simple as possible and be prepared to give him more support than you think he "should" have right now. Remember, just because you've had a baby doesn't mean he's suddenly grown up.

That sort of thing was roughly my strategy, which evolved over the baby and toddler years of three children.

Bath (or shower if preferred) in the evening before bed. When they get up in the morning they usually got dressed straight away and went down for breakfast. At 4 though they still need some help, new baby or not. Don't expect too much.

Breakfast time was generally limited to about 15 minutes. If they hadn't eaten all they wanted by the end of that then it was taken away. Then teeth cleaned, hair brushed, shoes and coat on and out to school.

Refusal to get dressed had me grabbing a bag to stuff their uniform into so that they would have to go to school in their pjs and change once there. Knowing that I would do that and follow through always made them jump to it and they got dressed unbelievably fast.

@grey12 you smacked your one year old?! That’s basically still a baby. Just keep her close to you and watch her and pop her in a play pen/safe space when you can’t, just like every other parent does. No need to break her trust in you.

@Fairylightsongs

My 1yo loved nothing more than to climb and dance on the glass table with tiled floors next to a thick granite counter (rental property, couldn't really change anything). Nothing worked to get her to stop.So do tell me what's less bad for her: a life changing injury/death (falling off was bound to happen at some point) or a smack in the hand

I think someone looking after her and being with her when she’s in the room to stop her climbing is usually the way to handle it.

Yep. Or failing that a very safe play pen to pop the baby into when you have to leave the room.

He sounds very naughty but smacking is never the right answer. It’s more the behaviour you’d expect from a toddler than a four year old. I do think you’re making your morning routine more difficult by showering him in the morning. He’d be better having a bath or shower the night before, as part as a pre bed routine. I wouldn’t wouldn’t have him sit for an hour eating breakfast. Even if he just eats a banana or some bread that’s fine.

He's acting up because you have a new baby who is taking all your time and attention. And any attention is better than no attention.

But smacking is shit. You know that. You've apologised but I would also tell him that you won't ever do it again. And mean it.

I'd try and figure out some time (I know it's impossible with a newborn) to do something fun and special for him

And pick your battles. If you need to baby him a bit now, do it. He is still a baby.

I agree with @mugoftea456 sometimes you have to just pick your battles.

But nobody's saying "him hitting you occasionally won't scar you" are they? They're saying he's naughty

Girlmom I've read this a few times and don't get the point you're making. My comment wasn't in relation to what anyone else is saying, I'm simply responding to the OP.

@DarleneSnell

But nobody's saying "him hitting you occasionally won't scar you" are they? They're saying he's naughty

Girlmom I've read this a few times and don't get the point you're making. My comment wasn't in relation to what anyone else is saying, I'm simply responding to the OP.

You've said it's ok for her to hit him because he's being naughty...

I can't help but know that if it were the father writing this pose, the replies would be a lot different. Op, a hit is a hit and you did a bad thing so instead of coming on here so everyone tells you that what you did was forgivable, you should go get some help and never hit your child again.

[quote 3WildOnes]@grey12 you smacked your one year old?! That’s basically still a baby. Just keep her close to you and watch her and pop her in a play pen/safe space when you can’t, just like every other parent does. No need to break her trust in you.[/quote]
What part of climbing did you not understand?! did you want me to build high walls inside my living room?

And she was like 1.5yo, not a crawling baby. But at that age she just didn't understand "naughty places" or wtv else. I tried everything!

In Wales it will be illegal to smack/hit children from next month. Hopefully the rest of the UK won’t be too far behind in bringing forward similar legislation.

@girlmom21 er no I didn't. Don't put words in people's mouths to assume some kind of moral high ground. I said he was naughty. He WAS. She didn't go up and randomly whack him, she was pushed hard. Perspective is important when the OP is on about hating herself.

[quote 3WildOnes]@grey12 you smacked your one year old?! That’s basically still a baby. Just keep her close to you and watch her and pop her in a play pen/safe space when you can’t, just like every other parent does. No need to break her trust in you.[/quote]
Was going to suggest a playpen. That's where my young babies all went so they were safe.

@N4ish

In Wales it will be illegal to smack/hit children from next month. Hopefully the rest of the UK won’t be too far behind in bringing forward similar legislation.

Scotland's already winning this race. Sorry.

grey12 there's always those jumperoo things where they can bounce around, or baby walkers if they are climbers.

@grey12 so she can climb out of a play pen? Then you use a high baby gate and keep her safely behind there when you can’t watch her. You don’t hit your one year old.
Honestly you aren’t the only parent who has a curious climbing toddler. Most parents manage to keep their toddlers safe without resorting to hitting them.

[quote 3WildOnes]@grey12 so she can climb out of a play pen? Then you use a high baby gate and keep her safely behind there when you can’t watch her. You don’t hit your one year old.
Honestly you aren’t the only parent who has a curious climbing toddler. Most parents manage to keep their toddlers safe without resorting to hitting them.[/quote]
Quite. It's crazy to think the posters go-to parenting is just hit the child until she stops

He sounds really badly behaved. I get the impression you’re way to soft with him as you think his behaviour is not that bad.

He also hits you when he’s angry but had the cheek to be upset when you hit him!

I would be explaining to him that now he knows how it feels to be smacked as that’s what it feels like when he smacks you.

My children have never hit me. I wouldn’t tolerate that crap.

@User48751490

"In Wales it will be illegal to smack/hit children from next month. Hopefully the rest of the UK won’t be too far behind in bringing forward similar legislation."

"Scotland's already winning this race. Sorry."

No need to apologise, that's great to hear! Now just England and NI playing catch up.