I smacked my 4 year old son and I hate myself. How can I make it up to him?

[DrWife1]

I have a beautiful 4 year old son and a 9 week old baby.

My son is lovely but can be a bit defiant at times, nothing major (not listening, running across roads, refusing to eat meals, throwing toys or clothes, refusing to get dressed). He shouts at us and hits us when he is told off.

This morning he had refused to eat breakfast despite us being very calm and nice. He threw his spoon across the room and ran away and screamed and shouted at us both for about 10 mins that he wanted his spoon back (it was lost from the throwing so I got him a new one). We both stayed calm and he eventually ate his breakfast.
Took 1hr for him to eat a tiny bowl of cereal. By this point he was going to be late for school.
We went upstairs to get dressed and I helped him shower really fast, I dried him and brushed his hair. I had laid out all his clothes so it was easy for him to put them on but he refused to get dressed. He was insisting that I dress him.
I calmly explained that he could do it himself as I had to sort baby and I would help him with the tricky bits. He threw all the clothes off the bed and refused.
The next 30 mins I tried to convince him to get dressed but he just cried and screamed and kept throwing the clothes about.
I put him in his room to calm down for 3 mins. When I came back he still refused and carried on throwing the clothes in my face. By this point it was 9am (school drop off is 8.40am).
I totally lost it and went to put him in his room again for time out, he tried to stop me closing the door so I grabbed hold off him by his arm and shouted " stay in your room and stop being naughty". He still tried to stop me closing the door so I smacked him on the leg.
I've never smacked him before. He looked shocked snd terrified.
I took myself out of the room to calm down. When I came back I hugged him and apologised. He said "why did you hit me mummy , you really hurt me". He immediately got dressed and was very subdued. All the way to school he was subdued and sad. I kept telling him i loved him and that i was sorry for hurting him.
I hate myself. I was smacked alll the time as a child and i swore i would never do it to mine.

Will he hate me or feel scared of me?
Right now i feel like i don't deserve children and I have failed as a mother.

Congratulations on your new baby op You must be exhausted. I wouldn't beat yourself up too much; you were doing your best and had a momentary lapse. You've already apologised to your son and he needs to learn to cooperate, so I don't think you need to make it up to him apart from perhaps being extra attentive to him when he is behaving well. This is a very new situation for you managing two DC and the pressure comes at those crunch times. And I suspect your DS is playing up ATM because he is a little jealous of the new baby having had all of your attention up until recently.

There is always a lot of talk about the terrible twos but I found age four much more difficult and so did many of my friends. It's when DC are beginning to discover their own autonomy a little. Definitely cut out the morning shower and have a bath and a story at night? Go through your expectations calmly the night before and have a practice with a timer! Make it fun! Praise him a lot when he is good. Maybe lay out his uniform on his floor the night before and give him a laminated tick list which takes him through his morning routine. And instead of him getting dressed in a different place to you and you leaving to go off to attend to baby, why not bring the baby to get ready in his room? Or all get ready together downstairs?

Good luck. You are NOT a failure as a mother. And please ignore any hyperbolic responses you get on here

Don't be hard on yourself. You were at the end of your tether. But 4 is still a baby and with a new baby he probably wants you to baby him rather than show he is a big boy dressing himself.

Make mornings easier. Forget the shower. Wet wipes are your friend!

You've already apologised and told him how much you love him. Move on now. Good luck for tomorrow morning!

New baby will be massive change for him. He's only 4. I think you need to be a bit more understanding. Ignore him when he's playing up, be consistent and take a breather if you feel angry.

@Cherrybomb197

You’ll probably get absolutely hammered on here. But honestly, it was a one off. Just never do it again

I agree.

There is no excuse for smacking but you have realised your error and just dont do it again. he will be fine. but in the meantime his behaviour needs addressing and you need to seek some help i think.

maybe also use today as a learning curve when he next hits you. explain it hurts and he may now have an understanding.

OP please get past the guilt. You don’t have to make it up to him. Tell him why you smacked him and explain that some of his behaviour is not acceptable. Whilst smacking is frowned on, it did shock him on this occasion. No need to keep apologising.

totally agree . you have apologised and explained - so move on.

but you have to change that morning routine .

If he gets hungry for a few days because he is deliberately going slow and you remove the breakfast - then he will soon learn .

you have to be cleverer than him (:

Hi 👋 don't beat yourself up you have a new baby and was a one off. I also feel bad when I've shouted etc and think about it all day when they're ok but just don't let it affect anything else now and move on from it. I had the same troubles as you and still have unfortunately so am seeking help.

Don’t worry about the smacking if it’s only going to be a one off.

But he’s 4. His world has been turned upside down by a new baby. If he wants you to dress him occasionally then just dress him. He’s still very little.

It was wrong but it won't damage him. He got dressed though didn't he ? It's not right to smack but back in the day that's how children learnt to respect their parents !! And why kids have zero respect now

Sounds to me like he's acting out because he might be feeling a little left out because of the new baby? Especially if he's asked you for help getting dressed and you've replied with no, I need to see to the baby.
Just reaffirms that the baby is coming first in that scenario.
It's a one off, op. All you can do is apologise and say it was wrong of you to do that. It can be repaired again. Don't beat yourself up too much. We all lose it sometimes... We're human after all.

I know your son can dress himself but if you can, I'd just help him out when he asks as he's likely doing it for attention, maybe feeling left out.

If you don't make a big production of it I am sure that he will soon forget the incident. Stop apologising as you are drawing attention to it and reinforcing it in his mind as something awful. I am sure that he will be just as defiant again next week. I would be cracking down on him shouting at you and hitting you when he is told off though - much better to stop it now than when he's a teenager and taller than you. If he brings up you smacking him again, you should point out that Mummy and Daddy feel very sad when he hits you after he is told off and now he knows what it feels like. I would grab his hands to stop him hitting you and put him in his room or time out spot immediately. Punish him by depriving him off whatever his currency is - outings, or ice-creams or screen time or whatever it is. You have not failed as a mother and you do deserve children. Mothers are not meant to be perfect human beings either.

If you don't want to spank, just think of some alternatives you could have used this morning. I suspect there is a bit of sibling rivalry that the baby is being dressed and he's not. I'd be pointing out that he's a big boy and the "silly" baby can't do that yet. Maybe being entrusted to help you with the baby by getting a warm jacket for the baby once he's dressed?

It's a long job raising children and you're only just out of the starting blocks. You've got years to redeem yourself - sitting up to 3 am in the morning when they didn't come home, helping them with their homework, putting up with them as they mope about the house as their crush has lost interest, consoling them when they didn't get the exam marks they wanted, trying not to make your utter horror at their nose ring evident, praying they don't decide to get a tattoo as well, driving them at speed to the airport when they've delayed so they make the flight with 5 minutes to spare and so on.

Look, try not to dwell on it too much. Focus on reassuring your son and making sure he feels loved and safe. Obviously don't do it again but you know that already. Beating yourself up over it won't help anyone. No mother is perfect and we all make mistakes. Christ, you've just had a baby! I lost it at bed time several weeks ago when my newborn was about 5 weeks and my 3,5 year old was being difficult. I grabbed her arm forcibly and felt awful afterwards but, onwards and upwards. I'm careful to never do it again.

More importantly, sounds like there's deeper issues for your son around anger. The screaming, shouting, hitting... needs addressing. I always recommend Janet Lansbury - www.janetlansbury.com for respectful parenting. She helped change the way I parent and I highly recommend you listen to some of her podcasts/read some of her work.

Honestly I wouldn’t tip toe around apologising either. I just wouldn’t smack again if it wasn’t the way I wanted to parent.

This. And ditch the shower in the morning. Also, doesn’t matter if he doesn’t eat his breakfast. Fine, leave it and move on. Try to get some sleep. Easier said than done I know.

I'd just draw a line under it. You've said sorry. It's done.

Agree with everyone else about morning routine - you can't spend 2 hours pissing about getting a 4yo off to school with a new baby. He doesn't eat, he goes hungry until breaktime. He doesn't need a morning shower - he's 4. Quick wash with a flannel, teeth done and dressed. We have a race between my 4yo and my 1yo to see who gets dressed quickest but with a new baby I didn't even bother getting the baby changed for the nursery run (unless he'd had a nappy issue) - change nappy, feed and in the car/buggy. Search YouTube for kids countdown timers so he can see how long he's go to get ready.

My son is also dreadfully slow eating breakfast - I allow a certain amount of time then I set the ten minute timer on my phone and he can watch the little circle go round while he eats. I take it away after the timer is up whether he’s finished or not. But I don’t scold him, I’m just neutral.

I agree with everyone saying morning showers are pointless stress. Swap for an Evening bath, but also four years olds don’t really need a full on daily wash.

Recommend Philippa Perry’s book The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read. I got the audiobook and come back to it often.

I don’t want to cause offence op but you made that situation a lot more difficult than it needed to be.
He didn’t want his breakfast and threw his spoon, my son is 4 and I would’ve calmly said ok that’s fine I’m taking this as you don’t want it, it’s time to get dressed, do you want to put on your trousers or your polo first?

It’s a bit horrible to tell your 4 year old you can’t dress them for school because you have to sort the baby, it’s probably one of the reasons he is playing up to be honest.
They’re still so little at 4.

Pick your battles op.

There is a big difference between giving a child who is otherwise loved and well cared for a one-off smack for bad behaviour, than neglecting a child because you're a monster. I don't smack my children either, but I have done on rare occasions like you have described. I feel bad about it afterwards too, but you say sorry and move on. Your son knows you love him.

That said, I'd cut some slack, especially at the moment with a new baby. He doesn't eat his breakfast - never mind, he'll think again when he's hungry at school. He doesn't want to get dressed - dress him and get to school on time. He's only 4 and going through a bit of adaption with a new sibling. Definitely don't shower him in the morning, mine have a bath every other night and never look particularly unclean.

When you've got a new baby, a 75% job and a happy family is probably better than a 100% job and all of you feeling stressed out.

I agree with pps. You are doing your best and you snapped, it happens. His behaviour was babyish for a 4 year old so i would assume that he is acting out and looking for attention because there is a new baby in the family. Going forward i would simplify mornings as much as possible, a choice of clothes the night before, he eats breakfast or leaves it, (pack something extra for his lunch) on a tricky day skip the shower. Most of all be kind to yourself, it's the hardest job in the world when you are trying to get it right. Give him an extra cuddle later, tell him you are sorry you hurt him, draw a line under it and move on.

Absolutely no judgement here, it sounds as if you were pushed to your absolute limit. In an ideal world no of course we wouldn’t smack, but we are human not saints, and we have such a load to carry every day ensuring the whole family is fed and alive and doesn’t fall apart.

You are just a parent doing the best you can, as we all are. If you were a bad one you wouldn’t even be worried or upset about this. Take some time to yourself today for a decent break.

Agree with others. Draw a line under it. And also see it as the wake up call - your system and routine is not working. He's acting up to a level that is far higher than normal and you are, understandably, s struggling to manage that. So what tools can you put in place? Agree re ditch shower, abandon breakfast if necessary (we did a phase of smoothies, with oats blended in, when DD just wouldn't/couldn't eat first thing).

Also, you were right to apologise etc. But don't keep going on about it because otherwise it becomes another stick to beat you with. You made a mistake, you apologise, it's all good now.

Thank you all for your responses and suggestions.

I will collect him from school and behave normally, I think those of you who said it will make it seem worse if I keep talking about it and apologising! It is definitely not how I want to parent.

Just to clarify I was staying in the room with him while he was meant to be getting dressed, i was feeding the baby so was offering to pass him the clothes the right way to make it easier for him.

I can see its clear he must be wanting mummy more with having a new baby (although he is lovely to her).

OH and I have been discussing ways to change the morning routine to make things easier and have agreed to try to ignore the bad behaviour and also put a time limit on breakfast with a little 20 min sand timer we have. He definitely gets a lot of attention for not eating meals ( normally takes 30 to 45 mins to eat a small meal).

Have also spoken to my HV about helping me to manage his behaviour.

Appreciate all the useful advice. Still feel sad and guilty but I guess thats my wake up call to get things under control.

Please stay calm. We’ve all had moments where we’ve lost our cool. You’ve also got a 9 week old baby to deal with - this isn’t easy.
Continue to apologise to him and as difficult as it is, try to get some quality time in with just him - the defiance is simply attention seeking behaviour, as he wants more attention from you (negative or positive.)
Move on emotionally and forgive yourself but remind yourself of how subdued he was to not do it again.

On another note - make your morning easier. If he’s refusing breakfast, take a banana with you on the school run. Why is he being showered in the morning? Bathe him in the evening so that isn’t he morning all he has to do is put his uniform on.

A terrible parent would feel no remorse and think that hitting their child was acceptable and hit them again next time.

A good parent reflects on the fact they didn't handle the situation as well as they could have, apologises to their child and seeks to ensure it doesn't happen again.

You fit into the latter. Apologise, don't beat yourself up and look at ways of managing him better for next time as that sounds like an unmanageable morning. (Fwiw, my 3yr old uses similar avoidance tactics for everything right now, I'll try post what works for us a bit later)