I smacked my 4 year old son and I hate myself. How can I make it up to him?

[DrWife1]

I have a beautiful 4 year old son and a 9 week old baby.

My son is lovely but can be a bit defiant at times, nothing major (not listening, running across roads, refusing to eat meals, throwing toys or clothes, refusing to get dressed). He shouts at us and hits us when he is told off.

This morning he had refused to eat breakfast despite us being very calm and nice. He threw his spoon across the room and ran away and screamed and shouted at us both for about 10 mins that he wanted his spoon back (it was lost from the throwing so I got him a new one). We both stayed calm and he eventually ate his breakfast.
Took 1hr for him to eat a tiny bowl of cereal. By this point he was going to be late for school.
We went upstairs to get dressed and I helped him shower really fast, I dried him and brushed his hair. I had laid out all his clothes so it was easy for him to put them on but he refused to get dressed. He was insisting that I dress him.
I calmly explained that he could do it himself as I had to sort baby and I would help him with the tricky bits. He threw all the clothes off the bed and refused.
The next 30 mins I tried to convince him to get dressed but he just cried and screamed and kept throwing the clothes about.
I put him in his room to calm down for 3 mins. When I came back he still refused and carried on throwing the clothes in my face. By this point it was 9am (school drop off is 8.40am).
I totally lost it and went to put him in his room again for time out, he tried to stop me closing the door so I grabbed hold off him by his arm and shouted " stay in your room and stop being naughty". He still tried to stop me closing the door so I smacked him on the leg.
I've never smacked him before. He looked shocked snd terrified.
I took myself out of the room to calm down. When I came back I hugged him and apologised. He said "why did you hit me mummy , you really hurt me". He immediately got dressed and was very subdued. All the way to school he was subdued and sad. I kept telling him i loved him and that i was sorry for hurting him.
I hate myself. I was smacked alll the time as a child and i swore i would never do it to mine.

Will he hate me or feel scared of me?
Right now i feel like i don't deserve children and I have failed as a mother.

*so that in the morning, all he has to do is change into his uniform

@morechocolateneededtoday

A terrible parent would feel no remorse and think that hitting their child was acceptable and hit them again next time.

A good parent reflects on the fact they didn't handle the situation as well as they could have, apologises to their child and seeks to ensure it doesn't happen again.

You fit into the latter. Apologise, don't beat yourself up and look at ways of managing him better for next time as that sounds like an unmanageable morning. (Fwiw, my 3yr old uses similar avoidance tactics for everything right now, I'll try post what works for us a bit later)

This is such a supportive message. I agree, OP. You knew it was wrong and reflected on it and are horrified, so hopefully you’ll try to avoid the situation escalating like that in the future.

I have a 3 year old and similarly aged baby and she has regressed in lots of minor ways - wants us to help her go to the toilet (has been potty trained nearly a year) wants us to carry her. Mostly we've just given into it because its a big adjustment. There's an instagram account I like called big little feelings - aimed at slightly younger children but good at getting across how much small children brains are constantly being rewired and how our role is to be positive and stay calm.

I'd consider a picture guide of your morning routine, and thinking in advance what you'll do if things go wrong. Agree with others - no shower, no coaxing him to eat as its giving him a lot of power and may be the only area of his life he feels power in now.

Parenting is about the war, not the individual battles. Think about ways to move past it rather than beating yourself up. But yes, if he raises it, I wouldn't be prostrating myself at his feet but I would say:'One of the rules in this house is we don't hit, I was frustrated and I hit you and I'm sorry. It won't happen again.' And then move past it.

At 4 if your child isn't under weight I would not be trying to force your child to eat a bowl of cereal. Simply explain they should try otherwise they will be hungry kids need to learn.

You have apologised a few times already I wouldn't start saying it again making it a bigger deal than it needs to be.

You have stressed yourself off. The roads part is dangerous though OP.

Probably a bit young to expect him to get dressed himself.
Sounds like a bit of battle of wills. He's thinking why should I be forced to eat and dress. He doesn't see the bigger picture at that age.

Smacking is now illegal in some parts of the UK. I remind myself of that when I feel myself getting stressed.

He’ll live OP. Little tike might even eat his cereal tomorrow
You ve gave yourself a fright
Where’s your partner? Why are you doing all this by yourself? With a newborn. Aw bless you, what a morning!
If you ARE by yourself, chuck him a cereal bar on the way - pick your battles
Go into another room or out into the garden for a minute, and take a breather for a sec.
hugs.

You haven’t failed, you’re probably exhausted and all feeling a bit like your worlds have been jiggled about with the new baby coming along. My son was 2.5 when my daughter was born and he did similar things which we put down to him being a bit put out with baby arriving. It’s still early days with two children, you’ll all adjust but maybe looking at some strategies to deal with situations like this in the future will also help.

Oh OP it is so hard, and the new baby makes them seem so big when they really aren't, mine are 5 and 1 now but I remember the early days so well, PP are right - he is seeing you dressing the baby and wondering why you can't dress him too. He's had 4 years of your full attention and doesn't understand why that's not the case now.

Took 1hr for him to eat a tiny bowl of cereal. By this point he was going to be late for school. I allow 20 minutes for breakfast, I sit with hi and we chat, I drink a cup of tea - it's nice 1-1 time.
We went upstairs to get dressed and I helped him shower really fast, I dried him and brushed his hair. I had laid out all his clothes so it was easy for him to put them on but he refused to get dressed. He was insisting that I dress him. it would have been much quicker here to just dress him as you dry him, however - does he really need a morning shower? mine have always just bathed before bed, we also get dressed before breakfast and then the quicker he eats the more play time he has before we leave.
I calmly explained that he could do it himself as I had to sort baby and I would help him with the tricky bits. He threw all the clothes off the bed and refused. this is what I meant about going from your full attention to now having the baby be the reason he doesn't have it anymore.
The next 30 mins I tried to convince him to get dressed but he just cried and screamed and kept throwing the clothes about. why not just take 5 mins of this to dress him?, getting into an argument with a child just becomes a battle of wills and noone gets anywhere

I always wonder if the people who condone smacking by saying the smacker is tired/stressed/child was difficult etc smack their partners or their boss when they are also tired/stressed/being difficult

He’s just struggling with the new baby. He has always been your baby and now there’s a new one!

I think expecting him to dress himself is too much. At 4 you have to help. And I’d not bother with the shower etc. Just bath the night before. And never, ever make food a battleground. If he doesn’t want to eat, that’s fine. He will eat when he’s hungry. Breakfast bar on the walk / drive to school? It really doesn’t matter. Pick your battles.

We have all been pushed to the limit at times.

Your son will have learned an uncomfortable life lesson that even those who love us dearly have their limits. The situation is not ideal of course, but the lesson that you can actually push people too far is one that he will need in his future life.

Things often go like this when a new baby is in the house - he is saying "Look at me! I matter too!" So it is probably best not to say that you cannot do something he wants because you have to do something for the baby. He will gradually get used to that idea, but it is a difficult lesson.

Don't beat yourself up. Take it as an opportunity to try and find ways of dealing with his defiant behaviour that do not escalate as things did for you today.

I agree with previous posters. Scrap the morning shower; scrap insisting he eats breakfast - he will find out that he gets hungry without it; get him dressed when he first gets up - help him, but praise him when he does some of it himself. If he fails to finish up dressed in time then take him in his night clothes. If he chucks his spoon across the room, he has to get it back himself or get a new one or do without breakfast - obviously not ideal, but sometimes we just have to be practical.

The morning routine is hell with more than one child - I had 3 at 3 different schools at one point and you could bet your life one would suddenly decide they needed their PE kit (or cookery ingredients, or a model of a dinosaur that was supposed to have been made last night or ..... any number of things!) as soon as we were all settled in the car!

I would suggest that you stop any more apologies - one is enough. If you keep referring back to it, it could easily become a stick to beat you with. Honestly, you have said sorry; he gets it.

The first thing you need to do is forgive yourself, put it behind you and move on. If you get drowned in guilt it will influence how you handle him - you will be tempted to spoil him as a penance rather than being the adult rock who puts firm boundaries in place.

There will be a lot more things you will do as a parent over the years that will not be ideal - but children need to grasp that life is not ideal; that they have to find ways to accept that or they will be very miserable.

When my children used to say "It's not fair", I (very boringly) used to say that life is often not fair, but we have to accept that and move on.

Forgive yourself, move on, enjoy your children - when they are not driving you mad!!

Also agree with PP. I would never have left my 4 year old to dress themselves. It's a 1 minute job

Autumndays123

I do not think anyone has condoned this. We have just understood that the OP was at the end of her tether - she knows it was wrong. She needs help to move on. Many people have offered some very sensible and constructive suggestions.

Hope you are feeling better now OP.
I have a very clear memory of smacking my DS when he was about 4 it was about getting dressed for nursery, he is now 22 and I can promise you that he certainly has zero memory of it.

Please don't be so hard on yourself, OP. Your DS' behaviour reminds me of my DC. She's a year younger than yours and she simply does not listen to a word I say. She listens to her dad more but even then, he still has to raise his voice. I've smacked her before, I'm not proud of it and I don't do it anymore but I'm not going to sit here and chastise you for something that I've not only done myself but that I completely understand. I'm working on teaching her more about actions vs consequence, as opposed to getting angry with her. Getting angry just takes up too much energy that I simply don't have. So I've started to use the naughty step more often, if she doesn't eat instead of sitting there for 45 minutes trying to make her eat, I just take the plate away once it's clear that she's done and explain that there will be no more food until dinner, I usually let her play on her Kindle for 15 mins before bed but if she's naughty beforehand, she doesn't get to play on it and only has story time and then bed. I'm still getting into the swing of things and sometimes I feel bloody awful but I also have to remind myself that it is more cruel to raise a child with no discipline than to raise a child with discipline. It's not easy, don't get me wrong, but once you get the hang of it and learn to block out the screaming that comes with the tantrums, you'll be absolutely fine. Please don't worry about the one-off smack. As a pp said, it's more dangerous the idea of him running into the road tbf!

You snapped it happens you need to forgive yourself and move on. You are asking too much of yourself. Our ds is 9 and we don’t ask him to do so much in the morning. Any showering is done the night before and clothes laid out. Only jobs for the morning are breakfast, get dressed and do his teeth and out the door. Keep things as simple as possible to make it as easy as possible. We do dressing first and we always have individual packets of brioche in the cupboard which he can have on the way if really needed. If he won’t even get dressed I would calmly pack his uniform in a bag and calmly tell him if he doesn’t want to get dressed that is up to him and he can go to school in his pj’s if that is what he prefers and start moving with most kids that will get them moving however if you have to take him in his pj’s and you get to school in his pj’s it is unlikely he will do it again.

He’s an innocent child, please never smack him again.

@Mischance

Autumndays123

I do not think anyone has condoned this. We have just understood that the OP was at the end of her tether - she knows it was wrong. She needs help to move on. Many people have offered some very sensible and constructive suggestions.

I appreciate that. When you are at the end of your tether with your boss/partner, do you hit them too?

@Autumndays123 I agree, most people wouldn’t smack an adult that was getting on their nerves. I cannot understand how you could be pushed to smack an innocent child who knows no better. It can have a major effect on their confidence and mental well-being growing up, even just once incident can be scarring for life, trust me I know!

By the way your desire to "make it up to him", although understandable, is not something you can or should do. Put it behind you, do not refer to it again, let it lie. Just carry on as normal - but perhaps with some of these new ideas from MN posters in place.

By the way, I mentioned to one of my DDs (when she an adult) about how bad I felt about the one occasion when I smacked her - she could not remember it!

He sounds so annoying

My son is like that

Don't be so hard on yourself. Maybe he learnt his lesson this time.

Move on from it and don't do it again because the emotional torture for the parent from giving a smack isn't worth it

Sorry you had such a hard morning
He is lucky to have a mum who cares as much as you x

If a partner did this youd hammer him and advise the woman go to woman's aid
Why is this any different

I do find it Interesting as MN is very anti smacking but anytime someone admits to it they get lots of support and told it’s ok as they are stressed/at the end of their tether, it’s either ok or it’s not? Anyway from your post I assumed you was a single parent but it seems that’s not the case so where is your DH in all of this? Why are you making him eat cereal for an hour? My 4 year old always refuses breakfast in the morning, I wouldn’t force her I leave it if she’s not hungry, I’ve spoken to the school about it as I was worried she would be hungry at school and they said it’s ok to send something in her bag, so why cause so much stress over it? Also I would be careful as if he mentions anything to the school they will probably call SS.

@Staryflight445

I don’t want to cause offence op but you made that situation a lot more difficult than it needed to be. He didn’t want his breakfast and threw his spoon, my son is 4 and I would’ve calmly said ok that’s fine I’m taking this as you don’t want it, it’s time to get dressed, do you want to put on your trousers or your polo first?

It’s a bit horrible to tell your 4 year old you can’t dress them for school because you have to sort the baby, it’s probably one of the reasons he is playing up to be honest.
They’re still so little at 4.

Pick your battles op.

Totally disagree

He needs to change himself for pE at school so he can practise getting his uniform at home at 4

OP, honestly, you should feel bad about it and I hope that you really take the time to reflect on what happened and ensure it never happens again. I'm also quite surprised at the PP who admits how she used to smack her child but now concentrates on teaching how behaviours have negative consequences (bit pot kettle)

I've never been in a position where I've lost my rag to the point I need to smack another person. I have however dealt with screaming and tantruming children and appreciate it is very hard. I was once in a large store with my five year old who was tantruming because they were tired/grumpy. They screamed and screamed the place down, it was quite horrific and I was very very stressed having to manage child & baby by myself, yet I didn't respond by being violent towards the child, because that would have solved absolutely nothing.

It does amaze me that people think if it's a one off or if you're tired, or your child is naughty then hitting them isn't the end of the world. In my opinion, the reason why children are smacked when parents are stressed and adults are not (even during heated arguments) is because the person knows the child is weaker and cannot defend themselves, meaning there is no consequences for the smacker. Otherwise, why would they not smack other adults when at the end of their tether?