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Not allowed to say no to 3 yr old niece
219

Scotti84 · 25/01/2022 01:52

My DHs sister has 2 kids, 3 and 8 yrs old, and we have a 4 month old and apparently have very different parenting opinions. The 3 year old is very cute and funny, but shes very obviously the favorite child of my SIL and is allowed to do whatever she wants, which is fine but not when it comes to our daughter. When we first took her round after she was born my SIL gave our daughter a bottle and just passed it to our niece to feed DD, didnt ask if it was OK and then laughed because obviously she couldn't do it properly and was disinterested so DD couldnt get the milk. Since then if we gave her a bottle her Dad feeds her or I've stuck to breastfeeding but 3 Yr old always wants to do it and tries to take the bottle from us. I take DD to another room to BF and 3 yr old wants to come with, DH keeps her out but then she tantrums and SIL and MIL say things like ok go and watch but just be quiet. She is allowed to wipe DDs bum and put cream on when they change her nappy, she asks constantly to hold her but as soon as she has her on her knee she doesnt hold her properly and DD is very wriggly atm, she almost rolled off her lap last time. I know she's only 3 so she isny old enough to do things properly but we aren't allowed to say no to her at all. She takes all DDs toys and dummies etc out of our bag and holds them by the teat, or chews her teething toys and if they visit us she moves all her stuff about (the disinfected bottles or my breastfeeding corner stuff) or goes into DDs room and rags all the toys there onto the floor and goes through all her clothes without asking. We have to hide everything before she comes (and put it all back after) which is just extra work i dont need. We're not allowed to ask her to wash her hands before she touches DD or to ask her not to get too close if she has a cold because she always wants to kiss her face which I hate anyone doing. DH has been told hes too hard on her and should let her do what she wants, but when it comes to things relating to our child shouldnt we be able to say no? I was always taught to ask before touching things that weren't mine. I dont think we're being harsh, we dont discipline her with things that arent to do with DD, and obviously a 3 yr old is nosy and wants to play, which is fine but there has to be some boundaries. Were not assholes to her, we ask nicely and explain, but if we say please don't do that, that's being too harsh!? We're starting to dread going round because we don't know how to deal with the situation now, his SIL won't accept that there's things we're not happy with her doing, but she also cried last time because she doesn't see our DD enough. Can't bloody win!

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Kanaloa · 25/01/2022 02:02

Just meet up outside your home so she can’t trash your stuff. When it comes to the baby if sil tries to pass her to the child then go and lift the baby up/move away from her.

Surely when you’re sitting there watching a child empty out your bag with dummies etc you could just lift the bag away from her?

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Cocogreen · 25/01/2022 02:05

Of course you're allowed to say don't kiss the baby if the other child has a cold!
Just say no! What's going to happen if you do? They're offended and visit less? Would you care?

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TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 25/01/2022 02:11

Yes I'd be putting your DD first in your shoes. You also need to get your DH to stick up for his daughter too.

I do get how how you feel, it makes me twitch when my brothers wife lefts their kids manhandle my baby.

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perimenofertility · 25/01/2022 02:13

Nonsense to say you are "not allowed" to say no to all of those things. She might be someone else's child but your baby your rules. If she tries to grab the baby bottle you just say no and move her hand away, as many times as it takes. If she grabs the toys you take them back and say no these toys are for the baby, and so on. So what if she has a tantrum? All kids need to learn boundaries, she might not get them from her parents but she can still get them from you.

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1forAll74 · 25/01/2022 02:57

The three year old needs to be told not to do certain things with your baby, until she gets the message . full stop.This is how they learn what is right and wrong,.

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Bussinbussin · 25/01/2022 03:01

You need to be able stick up for your child, even if it involves putting others' noses out of joint. It's a huge part of motherhood so might as well start practising now on people you know!

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alexdgr8 · 25/01/2022 03:06

you need to protect your child and put her interests first and foremost.
would you allow anyone to do anything with or towards your child.
of course not.
you are in charge.
you need to be clear and firm and consistent.
don't get into arguments.
and why are these other people changing your baby's nappy.
let alone a child joining in. totally inappropriate.
stand up for your child. do not put yourselves in those situations.

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MimiDaisy11 · 25/01/2022 03:09

Since it’s DH’s family he should be taking the lead but really I think both of you just need to be more assertive. Just say no. It’s your baby. No else tells you what you’re allowed to do.

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HootOwl · 25/01/2022 03:10

This is nuts. I thought it would be some PFB post but YANBU at all OP. You are allowed to protect your baby and to have boundaries and it sounds like your niece is sadly mossong out on any decent parenting. Of course that doesn't mean you should let your DD suffer unnecessary colds or be put at risk of injury etc!

Dell DH have a word and if he doesn't sort it out then as a PP suggested only meet them somewhere public where you can leave if this behaviour happens again.

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GiveMeNovocain · 25/01/2022 03:12

They're letting their 3 year old treat your baby like a doll. You're entitled to tell them it's unacceptable and decline visits until you're ready and feel your baby will be safe. Sounds like the adults don't like to hear 'no' either!

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Saltyquiche · 25/01/2022 03:16

Just kindly tell her no and be immovable with minimal fuss. Don’t debate with in-laws, just state its your rules in your house, your body and your having privacy to breastfeed. Ignore the tantrums, don’t give them time or attention

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EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 25/01/2022 03:31

Your child can't advocate for herself, she needs her parents to do this for her even if it does upset a 3 year old or the adults that should be managing their 3 year old.

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Suzi888 · 25/01/2022 03:50

@GiveMeNovocain

They're letting their 3 year old treat your baby like a doll. You're entitled to tell them it's unacceptable and decline visits until you're ready and feel your baby will be safe. Sounds like the adults don't like to hear 'no' either!

^ This
Why is a three year old ruling the roost. Confused Why are her parents letting her? Why are you accepting it, I’d put a stop to this now.
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tcjotm · 25/01/2022 03:53

SIL won’t let anyone say no to her child, you won’t let anyone near your child. Simple.

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Porcupineintherough · 25/01/2022 04:06

You are allowed to say no, of course you are. But if you are wise you will think of things you are happy for her to do related to the baby - little jobs to "help", making her laugh etc because one day soon your dd will think she's the best thing ever and want to play with her. And then she'll be the annoying one.

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JennysMiddleFinger · 25/01/2022 04:32

say no and move her hand away

Normal people think this is absolutely fine and of course it is but there are the odd few people who take serious offence if anyone dares to do this with their child.

My SIL made the fatal error of doing it in her best cutesy voice and a big smile on her face to other SIL's toddler. Other SIL let her know in no uncertain terms that she wouldn't be bringing her PFB back if anything of the likes ever happened again Hmm

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Hadalifeonce · 25/01/2022 04:36

You are allowed to say no, they may not like it but just say it. What can they do? They can't make you allow a 3 year old to put your baby in danger.

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ElftonWednesday · 25/01/2022 04:50

Put your foot down, your house, your rules, and tell your brother and SIL that their parenting sucks.

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LaBellina · 25/01/2022 04:51

You’re completely allowed to say no to anyone that wants to touch your DD or her stuff and those who couldn’t respect this would no longer be welcome in my home.

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LadyPropane · 25/01/2022 04:51

Yes, you ARE allowed to say no to her, when it is something that impacts you or your DD. Please don't forget that. It's a skill you need to develop once you have children.

Secondly, stop going to their house. Their daughter's behaviour sounds quite normal for her age, it's just that the parents aren't keeping her in check and enforcing any boundaries. That is where the problem lies.

Meet up with them at a restaurant for lunch or similar. It will be much easier to keep their DD away from your baby and you can leave when you've had enough.

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Catflapkitkat · 25/01/2022 05:27

How often do you see them? It sounds like a lot give that your DD is only 4 months. I would scale back the visits if are at their house or start laying down some 'my house my rules' if visits are in your home.

What about getting the three year one of those dolls that drink milk and need a nappy change. So you can suggest, you feed/change/cuddle the babies together, just to take the focus off your child.

I do agree with the previous posters though, although three year olds can be wilful - you can absolutely say "No' or 'I don't like that' or 'that makes me feel uncomfortable' etc.

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AnneLovesGilbert · 25/01/2022 05:27

Of course you’re allowed. What’s the worst that could happen?!

Say no, wait for child to tantrum, wait for SIL to tantrum then leave or chuck them out. They’ll hopefully get in a huff and leave you alone for a while.

We all parent slightly differently but your most important job is to protect your child. No one else’s feelings matter more than that.

You’ve got bigger struggles agreed so get a grip and start sticking up for yourselves woman.

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GrendelsGrandma · 25/01/2022 05:28

You say no, calmly but firmly. If her mum questions it then you say no again, calmly but firmly. The parents shouldn't let her rule the roost but you shouldn't let them rule you either!

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NYnewstart · 25/01/2022 06:16

Absolutely you need to say no regarding your baby.

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Just10moreminutesplease · 25/01/2022 06:23

Just tell her no. What do you care about more, upsetting your in-laws (who obviously don’t care about what you want), or doing what’s best for you and your baby?

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