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Parenting

Not allowed to say no to 3 yr old niece

219 replies

Scotti84 · 25/01/2022 01:52

My DHs sister has 2 kids, 3 and 8 yrs old, and we have a 4 month old and apparently have very different parenting opinions. The 3 year old is very cute and funny, but shes very obviously the favorite child of my SIL and is allowed to do whatever she wants, which is fine but not when it comes to our daughter. When we first took her round after she was born my SIL gave our daughter a bottle and just passed it to our niece to feed DD, didnt ask if it was OK and then laughed because obviously she couldn't do it properly and was disinterested so DD couldnt get the milk. Since then if we gave her a bottle her Dad feeds her or I've stuck to breastfeeding but 3 Yr old always wants to do it and tries to take the bottle from us. I take DD to another room to BF and 3 yr old wants to come with, DH keeps her out but then she tantrums and SIL and MIL say things like ok go and watch but just be quiet. She is allowed to wipe DDs bum and put cream on when they change her nappy, she asks constantly to hold her but as soon as she has her on her knee she doesnt hold her properly and DD is very wriggly atm, she almost rolled off her lap last time. I know she's only 3 so she isny old enough to do things properly but we aren't allowed to say no to her at all. She takes all DDs toys and dummies etc out of our bag and holds them by the teat, or chews her teething toys and if they visit us she moves all her stuff about (the disinfected bottles or my breastfeeding corner stuff) or goes into DDs room and rags all the toys there onto the floor and goes through all her clothes without asking. We have to hide everything before she comes (and put it all back after) which is just extra work i dont need. We're not allowed to ask her to wash her hands before she touches DD or to ask her not to get too close if she has a cold because she always wants to kiss her face which I hate anyone doing. DH has been told hes too hard on her and should let her do what she wants, but when it comes to things relating to our child shouldnt we be able to say no? I was always taught to ask before touching things that weren't mine. I dont think we're being harsh, we dont discipline her with things that arent to do with DD, and obviously a 3 yr old is nosy and wants to play, which is fine but there has to be some boundaries. Were not assholes to her, we ask nicely and explain, but if we say please don't do that, that's being too harsh!? We're starting to dread going round because we don't know how to deal with the situation now, his SIL won't accept that there's things we're not happy with her doing, but she also cried last time because she doesn't see our DD enough. Can't bloody win!

OP posts:
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KevinTheKoala · 25/01/2022 09:42

@Peanutbuttercupisyum it's the novelty factor, and the fact that babies to a 3 year old are like living breathing dolls, and all the adults are paying lots of attention to the baby. Siblings get to see the baby all day every day and so the novelty factor wears off very quickly and they learn that the baby can't play with them and also screams, sicks and poos alot my DD was 3 when her sister was born and after the initial excitement wore off she wasn't too bothered. Her cousin who is the same age as her sister though - was like a brand new toy for her and she was obsessed. It was very annoying but also very typical behaviour for 3 year olds.

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FrenchBoule · 25/01/2022 09:44

@MsAgnesDiPesto

“I’m sorry you don’t like it, but your child’s wants aren’t more important than my baby’s needs. I will say ‘no’ to things which aren’t reasonable or affect baby’s safety.”

Nobody can argue with that. If SIL wants to tantrum over that, well, then nobody gets the benefit of you visiting.

OP, with all respect BOTH you and your DH need to stand up for yourself and your child.
You don’t have to entertain the whims of a child or an adult putting your baby in danger. When it will end? Your DD getting injured and MIL and SIL claiming “it was an accident” “she didn’t mean it”?

I came across children like that, my neighbour’s one being one of them. Apparently I was a meanie for not letting her DD go to my bag and play with my phone/house keys.
Strangely enough when I asked her mother for her phone/handbag to rummage inside or if she would be willing to pay for my broken window to enter the house if her daughter lost my keys she eventually shut up.

Challenge them,there and then. “Don’t go in my bag” “Because I said so” .
Put your bag in inaccessible place. If MIL and/or SIL say anything, they can always let your niece have their bags to play with.

Firm boundaries,if they don’t like it it’s tough or distance yourself. It’s only going to get worse.

Your SIL with help of MIL is creating a monster.
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SchadenfreudePersonified · 25/01/2022 09:49

Say "NO!", and mean it.

But you know who I feel most sorry for in all of this? The 8 year old, living with a sister that they can't say "no" to, can't protect their possessions from, can't refuse to play with, or leave the house without if the little one wants to go, too; who won't be allowed to have a party, or a sleepover or anything without centring the little sister, who will rapidly grow up to be a brat if this sort of indulgence continues.

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Dixiechickonhols · 25/01/2022 09:49

You are allowed to say no. That’s being a parent. Be consistent and firm. I’d cut visits down or leave if need to. In your house it’s your rules - no we don’t do x here.
At end of day if niece drops baby it’s your fault as she’s 3 and your judgment to let her hold her. If it’s not safe say no.
She’s 3 and probably combo of no boundaries and wanting attention that new baby getting.
It’s not nieces fault but you need to put needs of your baby first.

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SocialConnection · 25/01/2022 09:50

I remember Mum telling her stepdaughter's little boy NO when he reached to grab a kitchen knife.

DSD said "we don't use no with xx, we prefer to use reasoning and bla bla bla.'

Mum said 'failing to teach a little boy the word no creates a man who won't hear the word no.'

Boom. It didn't half go quiet.

Not the same thing at all ... but no is an important concept the child needs to understand around your baby.

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AryaStarkWolf · 25/01/2022 09:53

@perimenofertility

Nonsense to say you are "not allowed" to say no to all of those things. She might be someone else's child but your baby your rules. If she tries to grab the baby bottle you just say no and move her hand away, as many times as it takes. If she grabs the toys you take them back and say no these toys are for the baby, and so on. So what if she has a tantrum? All kids need to learn boundaries, she might not get them from her parents but she can still get them from you.

This. Your Sil can raise her child whatever way she wants but you have complete control over anything to do with your own child
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SchadenfreudePersonified · 25/01/2022 09:54

It looks like meeting outside is the best option, but then his sister cant start to bloody cry cos she wont see her much

An ADULT cries because she doesn't see your baby as often as she wants? Hmm

I think this merits a "FFS!"

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AryaStarkWolf · 25/01/2022 09:55

@SocialConnection

I remember Mum telling her stepdaughter's little boy NO when he reached to grab a kitchen knife.

DSD said "we don't use no with xx, we prefer to use reasoning and bla bla bla.'

Mum said 'failing to teach a little boy the word no creates a man who won't hear the word no.'

Boom. It didn't half go quiet.

Not the same thing at all ... but no is an important concept the child needs to understand around your baby.

Great come back from your mom.
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Valkyrie40 · 25/01/2022 09:58

Of course you can tell her "no". Why are you allowing your SIL dictate which words you can use?

She's not God!

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RocketAndAFuckingMelon · 25/01/2022 09:59

Reframe it so you are saying no to your baby.

Instead of "No, 3yo, you're not allowed to hold Lilly" try "No Lilly, you're not allowed to sit on 3yo's lap." Instead of "No, 3yo, you can't put Lilly in your pushchair" try "No Lilly, you're not allowed to ride in the pushchair." Tell the 3yo that Lilly's rules are that she's not allowed all her dummies and toys out of the bag because she's very little and won't be able to find them again, and ask if she can help Lilly keep the rules.

The 3yo may find it easier to deal with and none of the adults could possibly have a problem with you telling your own child what she's allowed to do.

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MananaTomorrow · 25/01/2022 10:01

I’d reduce the visits and meet up with the 3yo only outside the house.
If possible, I’d visit MIL when 3yo is at nursery etc….

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MananaTomorrow · 25/01/2022 10:03

@SocialConnection that was an excellent comeback!!

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Flobbertybillop · 25/01/2022 10:06

It’s never to early to how your child she has a voice, and she will learn that when you lead by example.
Your daughter is more important than offending some dickheads who won’t listen to you.

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Scotti84 · 25/01/2022 10:20

I think ive been trying to be respectful of SILs wishes for her 3yo, plus letting 3yo be involved to some extent because its not her fault, but its just leading to us being stressed and its not possible. Youre all right, I need to be firmer and if they dont like it then we wont visit. Its rubbish because my family live hours away, but they're they're ruining the relationship not us and i need to realise we arent in the wrong. This forum is great for that, i did start to question if we were being too harsh, because when thats all we hear, it does start to creep in your mind but these responses have made me realise my DD comes first and they should be the ones bending, not us.

We dont live with them, they have a huge house with three apartments in it, the top floor is rented out and MIL and SIL are in the other two. Thank god we dont live there, there would be no peace!

On the 8 yo, she does get the shitty end of the stick, shes been taught she needs to share everything with 3yo to the point where at xmas they just get one pile of prezzies without names on that could be for either of then, 3yo rips them all open before 8yo has chance and the ones she did get to open werent even for her. I find that so sad, the excitement of opening prezzies is knowing its for you, having someone else open yours and then giving you them is also crap. We do try and involve 8yo more because she's much calmer and does listen, but obviously what she's allowed to do, 3yo wants too. I think we need to move further away 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
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cherryonthecakes · 25/01/2022 10:24

You need to bite the bullet and have the awkward conversations now. Once your dd is mobile and there's inevitable clashes with the 3yo because she's wanting to touch 3yo's toys, will you expect your dd to suck up unfair treatment because 3yo is family ? Your h in particular needs to tell MIL not to use emotions manipulation like "Go on..." You'll need to make sure that MIL doesn't babysit because I suspect she'll be saying it to your dd too.


I feel really sorry for the 8yo in this situation. She's living with this all the time. The sister isn't doing the 3yo any favours either. Nursery and school are going to be much harder for her if she's not used to hearing no and her peers have no hesitation saying it when she's out of line

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Wendybyrdesmissingconscience · 25/01/2022 10:26

What do you mean she is allowed to wipe the child’s bum and goodness knows what else. This is your baby. You and your husband need to work on your assertiveness. You should be dictating who is involved with feeding, changing, holding, holding and kissing your baby. No one else.
You need to put your foot down.

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Blackbird2020 · 25/01/2022 10:27

at xmas they just get one pile of prezzies without names on that could be for either of then, 3yo rips them all open before 8yo has chance and the ones she did get to open werent even for her

Shock seriously?!

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NotQuiteHere · 25/01/2022 10:28

If you don't protect your baby, then who will?

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Topseyt · 25/01/2022 10:30

Of course you can say no! And you must.

Your SIL and MIL are creating a horrid, spoilt brat who has no boundaries and could be a serious risk to your DD if this carries on.

I'd not want them in my house so would stop inviting them. I'd also stop visiting their place so regularly (or at all) and when asked why I would tell them that there would be no further visits at all until I was satisfied that horrid brat was being better controlled because the safety of my own child depended on it.

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JudgeJ · 25/01/2022 10:31

@tcjotm

SIL won’t let anyone say no to her child, you won’t let anyone near your child. Simple.

It sounds like the 3 year old needs to hear the word No more often, she sounds to be very spoilt.
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longtompot · 25/01/2022 10:32

@Beseen22

I have quite a strong willed nephew but he is starting to grow out of being so defiant and my SIl and BIl are a lot more laid back than I am. I think that yours may see you as a bit PFB but actually if you have good reason to not want her to be doing these things then they should respect that.

If no is causing a big issue I would go with positive distraction. "Oh course you can give the baby a nice cuddle, come with uncle Jim and get your hands and face all clean and then we will have a nice cuddle on the sofa" "Oh can we not touch her dummies sweetheart, they need to be nice and clean for her" "oh the baby is sooooo sleepy right now, I think instead of cuddles we will just let her have a nice snooze...maybe you could pick a nice book and help me read it to her while she falls asleep?". A 3 year old is more than capable of doing all these little jobs and if they are strong willed giving them a reason why can help dissuade the defiant behaviour.

Alternatively I would meet them all at the park, she will be far too distracted at the park and babies are super boring outside!

This was going to be my suggestion. Instead of no you can't do xyz say can you hold the wipes/cotton wool for me, you are so helpful! Lots of praise. I'm sure she will respond better to that and it will make your visits much less stressful. My ed was about this age when my youngest was born and a year younger when her brother was born. She loved being helpful and involved with looking after them.
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Ellie56 · 25/01/2022 10:33

@Blackbird2020

at xmas they just get one pile of prezzies without names on that could be for either of then, 3yo rips them all open before 8yo has chance and the ones she did get to open werent even for her

Shock seriously?!

That poor poor child.
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JudgeJ · 25/01/2022 10:35

@RocketAndAFuckingMelon

Reframe it so you are saying no to your baby.

Instead of "No, 3yo, you're not allowed to hold Lilly" try "No Lilly, you're not allowed to sit on 3yo's lap." Instead of "No, 3yo, you can't put Lilly in your pushchair" try "No Lilly, you're not allowed to ride in the pushchair." Tell the 3yo that Lilly's rules are that she's not allowed all her dummies and toys out of the bag because she's very little and won't be able to find them again, and ask if she can help Lilly keep the rules.

The 3yo may find it easier to deal with and none of the adults could possibly have a problem with you telling your own child what she's allowed to do.

So you expect the OP to contiinue the parent's pandering to their unpleasant child? Do you think that in a year or so some Reception class teacher will waste her/his time like this?
To hell with that, the 3 year old needs to hear the word No and eventually she will either learn to modify her behaviour or not see her cousin at all.
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ThumbWitchesAbroad · 25/01/2022 10:42

That would be a straight-up "we're not going round there again until we're allowed to protect our own DD from yours"

Absolutely ridiculous situation that your SIL and MIL are creating. So no visits until they learn to wind their neck in, or your DD is old enough that her cousin can't hurt her.

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longtompot · 25/01/2022 10:43

On the 8 yo, she does get the shitty end of the stick, shes been taught she needs to share everything with 3yo to the point where at xmas they just get one pile of prezzies without names on that could be for either of then, 3yo rips them all open before 8yo has chance and the ones she did get to open werent even for her. I find that so sad, the excitement of opening prezzies is knowing its for you, having someone else open yours and then giving you them is also crap

Oh no! That is too sad. That poor child Sad

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