Not allowed to say no to 3 yr old niece

[Scotti84]

My DHs sister has 2 kids, 3 and 8 yrs old, and we have a 4 month old and apparently have very different parenting opinions. The 3 year old is very cute and funny, but shes very obviously the favorite child of my SIL and is allowed to do whatever she wants, which is fine but not when it comes to our daughter. When we first took her round after she was born my SIL gave our daughter a bottle and just passed it to our niece to feed DD, didnt ask if it was OK and then laughed because obviously she couldn't do it properly and was disinterested so DD couldnt get the milk. Since then if we gave her a bottle her Dad feeds her or I've stuck to breastfeeding but 3 Yr old always wants to do it and tries to take the bottle from us. I take DD to another room to BF and 3 yr old wants to come with, DH keeps her out but then she tantrums and SIL and MIL say things like ok go and watch but just be quiet. She is allowed to wipe DDs bum and put cream on when they change her nappy, she asks constantly to hold her but as soon as she has her on her knee she doesnt hold her properly and DD is very wriggly atm, she almost rolled off her lap last time. I know she's only 3 so she isny old enough to do things properly but we aren't allowed to say no to her at all. She takes all DDs toys and dummies etc out of our bag and holds them by the teat, or chews her teething toys and if they visit us she moves all her stuff about (the disinfected bottles or my breastfeeding corner stuff) or goes into DDs room and rags all the toys there onto the floor and goes through all her clothes without asking. We have to hide everything before she comes (and put it all back after) which is just extra work i dont need. We're not allowed to ask her to wash her hands before she touches DD or to ask her not to get too close if she has a cold because she always wants to kiss her face which I hate anyone doing. DH has been told hes too hard on her and should let her do what she wants, but when it comes to things relating to our child shouldnt we be able to say no? I was always taught to ask before touching things that weren't mine. I dont think we're being harsh, we dont discipline her with things that arent to do with DD, and obviously a 3 yr old is nosy and wants to play, which is fine but there has to be some boundaries. Were not assholes to her, we ask nicely and explain, but if we say please don't do that, that's being too harsh!? We're starting to dread going round because we don't know how to deal with the situation now, his SIL won't accept that there's things we're not happy with her doing, but she also cried last time because she doesn't see our DD enough. Can't bloody win!

First, you absolutely can and should say no to this little princess. No-one should be doing things in your home that you don't want them to do.

Secondly, if saying no to the princess doesn't work, say no to the mother. No you can't come and visit.

Take control of your home

Who said you can't place boundaries in your own home? I'm don't understand how other people can run your house and are now telling you what you can do with your daughter?

Your house, your baby your rules. Sorry but you and DH need to man up and stop allowing a three year old terrorist to dictate the rules.

What a shame you left that huge pot of glitter (with a dodgy lid) in your bag. Who would have thought the 3 year old would have got hold of it after they had been reminded not to go in the bag. What a shame the lid fell off and it went all over the carpet 😆.
You could have SUCH fun with this!

Sorry, might have mis read that. Thought it was happening when you went to THEiR house.

Stop pussy footing about and do and say what you need to say/do when it comes to your DD. Don't go to your SIL home if you can help it. Why should this situation be allowed to affect you? You have every right to take charge when it comes to you DD. The child seems a spoilt brat and she needs teaching what is and isn't acceptable. As your DN grows up, the situation can only get worse if allowed. Your SIL is making a rod for her own back.

I've been their with a niece who won't leave my then (older) baby DD alone. My niece was older than your niece and should have known better. Myself and DH repeatedly told her not to pick DD up. Her parents were disinterested and didn't do anything about it. She eventually fell over and ended up hurting Dd. She claimed it was an accident. When DH pointed out that it wasn't an accident if she was doing something she was repeatedly told not to do, there were floods of years and DH was shouted at by SIL for upsetting her. It's a few years ago, though we have an ok relationship now, I still get annoyed by the whole thing. It definitely effects the way I feel about SIL (and to some extent BIL, though he did seem like he felt bad about it all after). The pair of them essentially couldn't be bothered to parent and DD got hurt as a result. Then for SIL to have a go at DH over it because her precious daughter got upset. Ignoring the fact our more vulnerable DD got hurt by her DD actions and their lack of action.

No real advice, apart from make sure you protect your daughter and don't let anyone prevent you from doing it. If grown adults choose to get upset by this then it is their problem. Walk away. If they want to see your DD then they need to treat her with respect and that includes making sure your niece does.

What will actually happen if you tell this child "no"? Whatever it is, I am sure it's not worth risking your DD's safety. If the three-year-old cries it's not a big deal. She has to learn she can't always have her own way
I think you both need to talk to yout SIL about the situation. She is telling you how to treat her DD but has no respect for the way you want your DD to be treated. You are her parents and are the only ones who get to decide who gets to hold her, feed her etc.

Don't invite them over. If she tries to take the baby just say they're too little. Maybe get a substitute baby so she can copy what you're doing but not get actually involved.

It is mostly at their home, they dont visit us often, we go to them. We try and space out visits but if its a few weeks between they get shitty about that too.

Its not about being a doormat, ive tried to find a compromise so she can be involved to an extent but its not enough, she thinks she can do everything that adults do and because no one explains why she shouldn't or cant, she does it anyway. She tries to pick her up and i say no, but MIL holds DD too and says oh its ok, ive got hold of her too, but DN obviously doesn't realise shes not doing it herself and thinks she is able to move her. She says things like "DH told me to bring DD into the other room" which he obviously did not, to try and have a reason to carry her.

I need to stop worrying about it breaking out into an argument, because that is what will end up happening, if DH says leave that please, hes met with oh dont be so hard on her by MIL and then SIL will get shitty with him but yeah, this is our child and our responsibility to protect her and do what we think is right, and if they dont agree with what we feel is ok, thats their problem. No one is respecting our wishes so why should we respect theirs, and I guess just saying no to DN and then when challenged "because im not comfortable with her doing that" is enough, if they choose to escalate it its their issue.

And the feeding happened once, we dont give them the option, if DN is there i breastfeed to eliminate that possibility.

@Yourcatisnotsorry its absolutely not pfb syndrome its just about boundaries. I have no problem with her looking at her books or playing with her toys, but emptying the toybox, taking all the books off the shelf, chewing on DDs teethers and leaving them on the floor when she's had enough, trying to climb in her cot, trying to put on her clothes etc. Thats not about messing up DDs room its about boundaries and respect.

@Yourcatisnotsorry

Either you have PFB syndrome or you’re just being a doormat. If a 3 year old is doing something bad or dangerous just stop her and tell her no. You don’t need anyone’s permission in your own home or when it involves your baby. It sounds as though it’s PFB though when you mention messing up the toys

Seriously? There's no way you could have read the thread and come away with the confusion that it's PFB syndrome. Unless you're one of the parents with kids like the 3yo (they're out there).

Hi this is a really hard situation as your want to put your baby first but are basically being bullied by your in laws! It’s more common than you think.
What’s making you feel like you do t have a say? You have the most important job in the world looking after your daughter, their (IL’s ) granddaughter, niece etc. and therefore when it comes to your daughter - you are in control of EVERYTHING! Until she’s old enough to choose herself. Own this responsibility and take a breath and tell them what you want and don’t want. Practice at home so you are prepared before you see them and be determined to say your piece- assertive is not aggressive- they will accept it if you are firm and fair and CONSISTENT. Once you’ve drawn a live in the sand of what you expect, do not let them cross it or the 3 yr old! Treat them the way you sound like you will bring up your daughter, with reasonable rules to make everyone’s lives more pleasant- you’re a great mum and won’t compromise when it vines to your daughter. Show her you are a force, however calm , to be reckoned with, you wouldn’t want her to put up with this in the future.
Fast forward yourself to when this is a distant memory- what advice would you give yourself then.
Good luck - you’ve got this - from someone who knows 😘 xx

Just say NO.

Watching you feeding 🙄. She'll be coming to the loo with you next!

You need to start feeling comfortable with saying no and taking their feelings/behavior into consideration. Sounds like you're doing most of the hard work in maintaining a good relationship with someone you're not a fan of being around- is it worth teaching your child unhealthy relationships is good to have around- patterns?
Just because they're family doesn't mean you have to put up with their bullshit!!

Please come back @Scotti84 when you've had your next visit with the inlaws and let us know how you got on when you introduced the two letter word NO to your niece.

You must, before you go, agree with your DH what is and is not allowed by your MIL, your SIL and your niece when you visit and stick like glue to that.

Is your niece allowed to hold your DD - probably best not to allow this continue
Is your niece allowed to rummage through your baby changing bag - NO
that kind of thing and you BOTH can say "NO!" to your niece at the same time. if necessary.

Best of luck with it!

@JoJo690 thank you. Sounds like you understand the situation. When we say no we're met with "oh let her help" or "she loves her so much shes been so excited waiting to see her" or something where we have to keep repeating ourselves until it becomes really awkward. That was before they said we cant say no though. I need to remember DD comes first and if they cant understand that its not for us to bend.

@LookItsMeAgain the 3yo has her birthday soon, no doubt we'll be invited then and we'll be the bad guys for saying no to her on her birthday... ill let you know how it goes x

As a parent we have a duty to ensure our own child is safe. This surely is the first rule of parenting.
Perhaps consider fewer visits. I’d definitely not be silent if my precious child was at risk.
Not even sure why this question is being asked.

Tell her no. You do not need their permission to put boundaries in place.

@Dnaltocs

As a parent we have a duty to ensure our own child is safe. This surely is the first rule of parenting. Perhaps consider fewer visits. I’d definitely not be silent if my precious child was at risk. Not even sure why this question is being asked.

Im asking because im a new mum trying to do my best with no experience and as SIL has two kids and should understand our pov but seemingly doesnt i wanted to get opinions on whether im being too overprotective or they are being unreasonable. Its easy to read a post and reply how obvious it is but when they are the only family we have near to us and they are all having a go and saying the opposite of what we think is right for us its good to get the view of people that arent so closely involved.

Your child, your rules, and it's disrespectful of them if they don't realise/accept this.

I think there's no other way but to have an honest conversation with them. Gently but firmly explain what makes you uncomfortable. They absolutely, 100%, need to respect that. If they get offended they need to get over themselves, or if they really can't respect your boundaries, you need to see them less and look for another support network that respects you. Why do you need to compromise all the time and they don't need to at all?!? Any relationship should be based on mutual respect. Just be firm with them, don't give in, and they'll make changes if they're reasonable people. Otherwise they're welcome to visit less or not at all.

I think you ought to grow a backbone. No is NO. IMO it's wrong to allow anyone but your own family to go into upstairs rooms for any reason UNLESS it's the bathroom and you don't have a downstairs toilet.
They're treating your child like a doll and until you call a hard halt they'll just keep on doing what they're doing.
If you want to be a doormat then go ahead but don't complain. The solution is in your own hands. No means no, today, tomorrow and every other time.
I really can't understand why people find it hard to make decisions about things they don't like.

...and ALL children don't 'pick snot out of their nose'. Mine didn't. They used tissues to blow their noses.
Your lack of backbone astonishes me. So, she cries to grandma. Let her. Do you let everyone run your life because you're afraid they won't like you if you don't agree?
What a sad life.
.