Not allowed to say no to 3 yr old niece

[Scotti84]

My DHs sister has 2 kids, 3 and 8 yrs old, and we have a 4 month old and apparently have very different parenting opinions. The 3 year old is very cute and funny, but shes very obviously the favorite child of my SIL and is allowed to do whatever she wants, which is fine but not when it comes to our daughter. When we first took her round after she was born my SIL gave our daughter a bottle and just passed it to our niece to feed DD, didnt ask if it was OK and then laughed because obviously she couldn't do it properly and was disinterested so DD couldnt get the milk. Since then if we gave her a bottle her Dad feeds her or I've stuck to breastfeeding but 3 Yr old always wants to do it and tries to take the bottle from us. I take DD to another room to BF and 3 yr old wants to come with, DH keeps her out but then she tantrums and SIL and MIL say things like ok go and watch but just be quiet. She is allowed to wipe DDs bum and put cream on when they change her nappy, she asks constantly to hold her but as soon as she has her on her knee she doesnt hold her properly and DD is very wriggly atm, she almost rolled off her lap last time. I know she's only 3 so she isny old enough to do things properly but we aren't allowed to say no to her at all. She takes all DDs toys and dummies etc out of our bag and holds them by the teat, or chews her teething toys and if they visit us she moves all her stuff about (the disinfected bottles or my breastfeeding corner stuff) or goes into DDs room and rags all the toys there onto the floor and goes through all her clothes without asking. We have to hide everything before she comes (and put it all back after) which is just extra work i dont need. We're not allowed to ask her to wash her hands before she touches DD or to ask her not to get too close if she has a cold because she always wants to kiss her face which I hate anyone doing. DH has been told hes too hard on her and should let her do what she wants, but when it comes to things relating to our child shouldnt we be able to say no? I was always taught to ask before touching things that weren't mine. I dont think we're being harsh, we dont discipline her with things that arent to do with DD, and obviously a 3 yr old is nosy and wants to play, which is fine but there has to be some boundaries. Were not assholes to her, we ask nicely and explain, but if we say please don't do that, that's being too harsh!? We're starting to dread going round because we don't know how to deal with the situation now, his SIL won't accept that there's things we're not happy with her doing, but she also cried last time because she doesn't see our DD enough. Can't bloody win!

Why are you putting up with this.

This is your baby, you say no to any situation you like.

Why you allowing a 3 year old to hold a baby! My eldest had a photo with dd holding ds2 on the sette with a pillow propped up bit it was one time. She's a baby not a doll. I remember eldest being passed to a ex cousin who was 9 at the time abd I turned round and said I didn't feel comfortable with children holding my baby, he was a baby that liked being passed around either.

Of course you say no.

But also 3yo need entertaining. So when they come to yours suggest they bring some toys for her so she doesn't go through your dds. Or get something for the 3yo to do so she doesn't need to go through your dds stuff.

Perhaps get some baby toys and clothes and a doll or something for her so she can copy you?

I totally agree with having expectations and boundaries and sticking to them but I also don't think it's reasonable to expect a 3yo to do absolutely nothing at someone's house. If they don't have stuff to do they'll explore!

This is storing up trouble for the future. But in the meantime maybe your niece would get distracted by a baby doll to copy what you do with your baby.

But from now on she doesn't hold or feed your baby. She doesn't touch your baby's things.

She is old enough to understand that other peoples things are left alone.

The teenage years are going to be fun in that family.

@username1293948 just say no is easier said than done when we say no and then are met with 'oh don't be like that, let her help' it turns into a fight with MIL.

@AliceW89 both. the child doesnt listen to reasonable requests, for example if we see her pulling snot out of her nose n rolling it round her hand (which is fine, all kids do it), then DH will say oh look there's snot on your hands, let's go wash them before you touch DD, she will deny that her hands are dirty and then start to cry to grandma, if we say please leave Lillys things where they are, she will leave the particular item but pick up another and then we get "oh let her play, shes just looking" or "she loves Lilly, she just wants to play". Because of that DH spoke to his sister to say what was acceptable and she told him hes too hard on her and we are not allowed to say no. I just dont know how it will work, if we go round and she says im going to look in DDs nappy now, they can't actually think we will just sit there n say ok. Its going to cause constant fights. For me if they cant respect what we want, they just wont see her but it's crap for DD as theyre the only family we have here and we wanted her to obviously have a good relationship with them.

It looks like meeting outside is the best option, but then his sister cant start to bloody cry cos she wont see her much

She has dolls but theyre boring when we are there because DD is alive and moves etc

Be the nice aunt and uncle who have positive boundaries in place on what is and is not acceptable. Your niece will appreciate it. She is running roughshod over her parents but you can be there to show her that saying "No" is perfectly acceptable.

Even Zammo would agree!

@JennysMiddleFinger

say no and move her hand away

Normal people think this is absolutely fine and of course it is but there are the odd few people who take serious offence if anyone dares to do this with their child.

My SIL made the fatal error of doing it in her best cutesy voice and a big smile on her face to other SIL's toddler. Other SIL let her know in no uncertain terms that she wouldn't be bringing her PFB back if anything of the likes ever happened again

and the downside to this was?

Can you put it back on them?
We love how you are so clear with everyone on what you want for your daughter. Your daughter, your rules. We’re copying your approach, our daughter our rules.

But dniece is so little?
Answer with a smile “yes, she is. And Dd is tiny, isn’t she.”

[quote Scotti84]@username1293948 just say no is easier said than done when we say no and then are met with 'oh don't be like that, let her help' it turns into a fight with MIL.

@AliceW89 both. the child doesnt listen to reasonable requests, for example if we see her pulling snot out of her nose n rolling it round her hand (which is fine, all kids do it), then DH will say oh look there's snot on your hands, let's go wash them before you touch DD, she will deny that her hands are dirty and then start to cry to grandma, if we say please leave Lillys things where they are, she will leave the particular item but pick up another and then we get "oh let her play, shes just looking" or "she loves Lilly, she just wants to play". Because of that DH spoke to his sister to say what was acceptable and she told him hes too hard on her and we are not allowed to say no. I just dont know how it will work, if we go round and she says im going to look in DDs nappy now, they can't actually think we will just sit there n say ok. Its going to cause constant fights. For me if they cant respect what we want, they just wont see her but it's crap for DD as theyre the only family we have here and we wanted her to obviously have a good relationship with them.

It looks like meeting outside is the best option, but then his sister cant start to bloody cry cos she wont see her much[/quote]
I think what you wanted is not relevant. Clearly right now its not happening and your priority is your own child. You do what you have to to protect your child and if that means controlling where and when you see DH's family then so be it. It would be even crapper for DD to be used like a doll.

@MimiDaisy11

Since it’s DH’s family he should be taking the lead but really I think both of you just need to be more assertive. Just say no. It’s your baby. No else tells you what you’re allowed to do.

This. Make it really clear what you expect. Sometimes with a three year old it’s really hard to explain to them why they can’t do something so her mum is probably just trying to avoid an unpleasant melt down which no one will enjoy and assumes you’ll say no if you really aren’t happy.

You’re not allowed?? Hang on, who is the child here? You need to establish some firm boundaries. Your SIL is creating a monster with her lax parenting. She needs to be told that some things aren’t acceptable.

You don’t seem all that keen on your 3 year old niece

I reckon your SIL has sensed that

And so tries to overcome it but really involving her

@Toanewstart22

You don’t seem all that keen on your 3 year old niece

I reckon your SIL has sensed that

And so tries to overcome it but really involving her

maybe the OP would be keener if she wasn't trying to treat a new baby like a doll and if her own parents had more control over her?

You say no.

It’s your child, your house, etc.

Stand up for yourself.

Sorry but I’m this instance you need to grow a backbone.

You’re right, she’s three and there are plenty of things she just can’t do even if she wants to. You are your baby’s advocate right now and they are your priority. You need to say no and stand up for yourself with your relatives even if it leads to a tantrum. From either of them.

Say no, say when things aren't right. It doesn't matter if you upset them. You need to be thinking about your DD.

Their behaviour and attitudes are very strange.

You have caused this problem for yourselves - your child = your rules - end of.

She’s 3! She’s absolutely the right age to be taught boundaries and to be told no. She will grow up to be so spoiled and entitled if this carries on. I imagine her older sibling is very resentful of their parents’ attitude, or will be soon enough.

Tell her no. Put your foot down. If SIL doesn’t like it then that is her problem. You need to out your child first.

Of course you can say no.

if SIL and MIL don't like it, the response is - why is it ok for SIL to make choices about her dd but I am not allowed to make choices about my dd?

My choice is NOT to expose her to a cold, and not to offer her a dummy which has been handled by a toddler, and a not to put her on the lap of a wriggle 3 year old.

Please respect MY parenting too.

I am afraid you are being way to passive in this. Smile and say - those are dds, they are not for you to play with, we have to keep them clean and remove and put the bag away.
At your house, have toys for her to play with and when she goes for dds stuff, smile and say - those are for the baby, we can't play with those, and repeat on broken record, and remove and put them up high where she can't reach again and again. Ignore any attempts to do otherwise. If SIL says 'its ok' say actually no it is NOT ok.

I would do all this now in order to create boundaries. Otherwise, fast forward 2 years, DN pinches dds toy or thumps her and you have much more difficult situation to deal with, establish NOW that you have rules and boundaries in your house and round your dd.

Op, you are most definitely not being unreasonable! There's no way you should have to be pandering around the 3 year old, letting her have free reign to do as she pleases. Just because her parents and grandparents allow it, you and your DH don't. Be firm yet kind and clearly state that the answer is "no". It sounds high time this child is taught respect and boundaries. She will be a joy in a few years time by the sounds of it, then they will regret letting her walk all over them.

*free rein

just say no is easier said than done when we say no and then are met with 'oh don't be like that, let her help' it turns into a fight with MIL.

So you pick up your baby and leave. Visit less frequently and don't invite them to your house. You can be assertive without being rude or confrontational.

Reading this is really frustrating. You should be standing up for your baby, not letting your niece do whatever she wants. Put your kid first.

Speak to SIL and MIL and lay down the law regarding your child.