Do people really judge you for formula feeding?

[solbunny]

I have a beautiful seven week old baby. We had a really hard time in the first six weeks with breastfeeding. I went in assuming that it was just a given that I would breastfeed, I never considered formula purely because I guess I just assumed breastfeeding was kind of the default!

However, we did have an incredibly rough time of it. There was a combination of loads of things including a missed tongue tie, allergies, big boobs and flat nipples, and a baby who just generally did not want to latch properly and was losing weight. In the end my mental health was so incredibly bad and the poor state of my nipples genuinely shocked my health visitor who said they were some of the worst she'd seen. One of them got infected, too, which was a treat. Anyway, at six weeks after spending hundreds on a tongue tie division and seeing three different lactation consultants, I decided to move to formula. I looked into sibling studies and antibody studies and although I did so want to breastfeed, I felt happy with my choice. My mental health improved so much and my baby immediately began to become alert and smiley now that he wasn't having to exhaust himself all day every day just to get enough milk to barely sustain his weight.

I had never had any negative feelings towards formula feeding. My extended family all have done a mixture of breast and bottle, some with one child bottle fed and the next breastfed etc. so I have never really come across the idea of judgement for formula feeding. It didn't even cross my mind!

However, I've seen over the last few days, on places like TikTok, people sharing experiences where mums at playgroups haven't wanted to be friends with them because they formula feed. I've also seen people say they've had negative comments in public. My mind is blown by this and I feel pretty rubbish about the idea that someone will judge the way I feed my baby.

So I want honest answers - have you experienced negatively or judgement from other mums or random members of the public for bottle feeding? What happened?

I'd rather know the reality so that I can prepare myself for it. I'm too fragile to experience this sort of thing right now. It will be better for my mental health to ensure I always feed him in private than get bad comments from people

I don’t believe they do, the vast majority of mums ff in this country, doesn’t Britain have the lowest or one of the lowest bf rates in the world? So I really doubt it happens irl considering it’s what most women do.

Honestly, you'll find judgement throughout motherhood... How I've been able to tackle this is to build my own internal resistance, not to allow other people's thoughts to bother me (easier said than done, it takes practice to remind yourself their thoughts are just their thoughts and not your reality).

And the line "do you mean to be so rude?" Has always been a cracker to use.

OP the biggest thing you need to do is to be comfortable with your decision. If you can get yourself comfortable then others will not matter. I do understand that it’s difficult when things don’t go to plan/how we expected but we must learn to be ok with the outcome.

I BF both mine and I would never judge you. If I had a third child I would formula feed as the lack of sleep killed me!!! For sure I would be judged but if I was comfortable I would be ok.

Enjoy your baby, time passes so quickly and don’t miss out on experiences because you’re worried.

Some people might judge.
The same way some people would judge a bf mother for bf in public.

I think most of us mothers realise that a baby being fed is what is important, not how or what (within reason!). And most of us mums appreciate that feeding a baby can be a struggle.. multiple challenges.

I have never experienced negativity in the form of "i'm not going to be friends with you because you formula feed". Honestly. I think that is a bit far fetched.
Though some slight private judgment might be likely but people judge anything and everything. I had someone try and cover me up with a plastic bag when I sat and fed on a park bench.
Best not to focus on what other people think or do.

Formula is one of the great inventions.

… but there are cultish loonies out there who view women feeding their babies with formula as fair game for bullying. Stay away from them.

PS I mostly bf mine, but I still think formula is incredible.

Not in my experience. Exclusively breastfed two DC and plenty of negative comments then (mostly the first time round to be fair, less for DC2) and third was on formula and nothing negative said to me about that.

For many of the same reasons as you, I stopped BF at approx 6 weeks, BF was more hassle than it was worth, DD was miserable, I was miserable. So we moved to formula.

I have no idea if anyone judged me, no one said anything critical out loud, maybe some of our parent-generarion relatives might have considered it "a shame" but I chose not to care... Bottom line, my child needed to be fed, and we did that in the best way we could muster.

But yes as RedCandyApple states, you'll find you're in the vast majority in the UK with formula feeding. At 6 weeks, 3/4 of babies have formula.

Oh god OP PLEASE step away from TikTok. It really is not reflective of real life.

I was in a similar situation to you- I assumed (largely down to the midwife and NCT attitudes) that I would ‘just be able to’ breastfeed. Well I couldn’t! He couldn’t latch, then I got the infection. I was crying in agony as he was trying to suck-great bonding experience…

I was incredibly lucky I felt that he took to the bottle so easily. I make up bottles and feed him here there and everywhere- cafes, trains etc- why wouldn’t I?! He needs to eat. I cannot imagine why anyone would dare to judge me. He’s 16 weeks now, I’ve been bottle feeding with formula since three weeks but did a combo of expressed milk until 12. I’m not doing that anymore because I had a rubbish supply- I’m coming to terms with the fact that I obviously wasn’t cut out for it, but how lucky we live somewhere with other options.

It’s honestly fine. Never, never feel you have to apologise or feel shame fir feeding your baby. The method is no one else’s concern and it just doesn’t matter.

Yes I'm sorry to say my so called friend who bf her two children talked about me behind my back (stupidly to another, better friend, who showed me the messages). Basically saying I was lazy, made it up about a tongue tie reattaching etc.

I personally never would, and noticed I was the only one trying to establish breastfeeding on my ward after giving birth recently.

Some people will judge but you van ignore as this helps to weed out the twats. Try to remember that in a year’s time, no one will care.

90% of mothers formula feed so even if some people judge, it's very, very few.

I had a similar experience to you with DC1 and ended up bottle feeding and felt very low about it. I felt judged sometimes but looking back I think that was because I was judging myself, I was projecting my feelings of failure onto others, I really think no one gave a shit, and my family were just relieved that DC finally put on weight and didn’t have to continue with the very stressful weigh ins. I managed to breastfeed my second and I think that’s because I went into it with a much more relaxed and pragmatic outlook from the start, I knew it was going to be really hard work and was fairly determined to ‘succeed’ but at the same time knew that if it didn’t work, it really wasn’t the end of the world and there are many pros to formula feeding.

Whilst pregnant I heard an awful lot of negativity about formula. Some of it bonkers. My best friend told me it causes allergies I chose to bottle feed and nobody repeated any of their comments to me again. I assumed they had private feelings about me though. I did feel a bit judged at baby groups but obviously can't be sure whether that was real or imagined. To be honest, my baby and I were just really happy. He slept so well and was so bonny. I just didn't care much at all what people thought. Plus my partner and I aren't exactly stupid so I figured if people believed that formula actually was bad for the IQ, they'd just assume we'd bargained the baby could afford to loose a few points. Formula is great.

I usually hide threads about breastfeeding because it's such a emotive topic for me, but I wanted to answer this.

I couldn't breastfeed my first baby for many of the reasons you said, and I tried and tried. My DD had low blood sugar, she only weighed 5lbs, and was losing weight all the time. I eventually gave in and switched to formula, but I definitely did feel judged.

The midwife and health visitor would always ask if I was 'feeding the baby myself', a phrase I hated because I was feeding her myself, just not with my breasts. A friend's mum asked me if I had 'just let my milk dry up' in front of other people. I used to go to Sure Start baby groups where the focus was very much on breastfeeding, and I used to leave when my baby started crying, rather than formula feed her in public. I used to follow someone on Facebook called 'The Fearless Formula Feeder', and she had a picture of someone secretly formula feeding their baby under a coat, which really resonated with me!

I think I was depressed at the time too, but I remember this as a bad time in my life, which is such a shame. I wasted so much of my time in those first weeks googling breastfeeding and convincing myself that my child would never be as intelligent, healthy or generally as good as a breasted baby.

OP, if I could go back now and talk to myself, I would tell myself not to let any of this bother me at all. My DD is now a happy, healthy, bright 7 year old. I am a teacher, and I certainly can't look round a group of 30 kids and tell who was breastfed and who wasn't!

Just enjoy your lovely baby!

I had some deeply unpleasant responses from total strangers — including a pair of mothers loudly criticising my baby’s appearance (‘You can always tell by the puffy look when they’re formula fed’) — but I was living somewhere with a very high rate of breastfeeding.

@Strawberrycreams4eva

Formula is one of the great inventions.

… but there are cultish loonies out there who view women feeding their babies with formula as fair game for bullying. Stay away from them.

PS I mostly bf mine, but I still think formula is incredible.

Why is it never spoken about? I'd never thought about it before I had babies. But it's a modern miracle.

I formula fed both of mine from birth. Nobody ever said anything negative about it. A fed baby is a healthy baby.

Honestly? Yes people do judge. I felt the same as you do now, that others were judging me for FF my babies. But it was either that or in hospital on a drip! Fed is best.

The new baby bubble can feel really harsh and lonely at times, and other parents can sometimes be a bit judgy. Fuck em. Seriously. The quicker you can just ignore what other parents think the easier it’ll be.

I guess I just must either have been really lucky or i just don’t notice/care.

You're a mother now. People will judge EVERYTHING. You need to develop a strong sense of not caring.

People judge you for all kinds of things. I would say that personally we turned a huge corner between 6&8 weeks, became like second nature having really struggled. Get all the information you can about the difficulties of ff too, it's not plain simple either.

It's awful that women can be made to feel this way by other women. I breast fed and it was hell for 12 weeks with a similar experience to you. I look back and also wish I had given up at six weeks rather than go through all that misery. It probably took me a year to get through my postnatal depression almost certainly caused by such a hellish start in which I have never felt more poorly Your mental health is too important, as is your physical health! Also, I was formula fed along with everyone else in the 70s and we turned out OK

FWIW with my 2nd I was adamant I would never go through that again and miraculously it just clicked which was basically a total fluke, just like having a baby who sleeps all the time is!

The whole breast/ bottle angst is one of those things that when the kid gets to school you realise no one gives a fuck how they sustained themselves for the first 12 months of their life.

I never felt judged when I breast fed then mix fed and finally ff 25 years ago. My colleague came into work for a meeting and bf and nobody gave two hoots.
I have never heard a negative comment about anyone's feeding choices.
Why would you care anyway?
Do what suits you and your baby.