Do people really judge you for formula feeding?

[solbunny]

I have a beautiful seven week old baby. We had a really hard time in the first six weeks with breastfeeding. I went in assuming that it was just a given that I would breastfeed, I never considered formula purely because I guess I just assumed breastfeeding was kind of the default!

However, we did have an incredibly rough time of it. There was a combination of loads of things including a missed tongue tie, allergies, big boobs and flat nipples, and a baby who just generally did not want to latch properly and was losing weight. In the end my mental health was so incredibly bad and the poor state of my nipples genuinely shocked my health visitor who said they were some of the worst she'd seen. One of them got infected, too, which was a treat. Anyway, at six weeks after spending hundreds on a tongue tie division and seeing three different lactation consultants, I decided to move to formula. I looked into sibling studies and antibody studies and although I did so want to breastfeed, I felt happy with my choice. My mental health improved so much and my baby immediately began to become alert and smiley now that he wasn't having to exhaust himself all day every day just to get enough milk to barely sustain his weight.

I had never had any negative feelings towards formula feeding. My extended family all have done a mixture of breast and bottle, some with one child bottle fed and the next breastfed etc. so I have never really come across the idea of judgement for formula feeding. It didn't even cross my mind!

However, I've seen over the last few days, on places like TikTok, people sharing experiences where mums at playgroups haven't wanted to be friends with them because they formula feed. I've also seen people say they've had negative comments in public. My mind is blown by this and I feel pretty rubbish about the idea that someone will judge the way I feed my baby.

So I want honest answers - have you experienced negatively or judgement from other mums or random members of the public for bottle feeding? What happened?

I'd rather know the reality so that I can prepare myself for it. I'm too fragile to experience this sort of thing right now. It will be better for my mental health to ensure I always feed him in private than get bad comments from people

I exclusively formula fed my 11 year old. I'm currently pregnant and will exclusively formula feed my baby. I haven't had any judgement with my first baby but I'm expecting some with this one (mainly because I have a better income and will probably be able to afford mother and baby groups). I don't care though, a fed baby and a sane mother is best.

@Franca123

I love women who like to pretend that formula feeding is some mammoth task that they're not up to. It's so fucking easy. And you can share the task with other willing participants. If you can't manage to bottle feed a baby, you really shouldn't be caring for a baby.

Well quite. I was quite alarmed when all the BF stuff I read online said things along the lines of 'oh I can't be doing with all that hassle; sounds like a nightmare, all that sterilising! I just pop in a boob and go!'

In reality, FF meant, for me:

• Buying a Perfect Prep (absolute game changer and despite all the guff about them not being safe as long as you keep them clean and use the proper filters not knock off cheapy ones they're absolutely fine!)
• Washing 6/8 bottles a day in one go and plonking them into a steriliser. Add water, turn on, done.
• Preparing the little pots with pre measured scoops once a day (I just bought 8!) so that I didn't have to faff about at bottle making time
• Using pre-made when out of the house

So really, at night before bed I'd wash the days bottles and sterilise and do the pots ready for the next day. Probably took me fifteen minutes a day. Easy easy easy.

@Ruibies you might find it useful to speak to a lactation consultant who specialises in women post-cancer to help you reach the decision that is best for you before the baby is born and help you put together an action plan for whatever is your prepared route. It might help to take some of the anxiety away. If you do you should speak to an IBCLC as they have the relevant expertise. Lactation is so poorly understood that in my experience expert advice is invaluable. I hope it all works out for you

@stillsleeptraining I kind of am disgusting myself with this information but here goes: formula poo is different than breastfeeding poo. It's ... denser.

BUT, that just means that nappy choices are easier and up the neck disasters slightly less frequent.

But they are different.

@anilluminatednewyearforme

Before I get flamed. I combi fed my first.

Breastfeeding meant

• lift top
• unhook bra
• latch baby

Done .....

You have to admit, what ever else, the act of feeding is less stages or mental preparation that formula.

It doesn't mean it's 'better' but it is less steps and less to think about.

In contrast for me formula meant

• ensure we had enough as on prescription so couldn't buy in the shops
• didn't have pre made option
• sterilise 2 bottles per day
• portion our powder if going out
• pre fill 2 bottles half way

- hot shot at Feed time

• feed baby
• await resulting vomit and replace bid / clear up.

I must admit that I was completely overwhelmed at having to suddenly arrange formula feeding on no sleep with postnatal depression. My fault for not looking into it all before the birth I suppose. I combi fed and soon got into the swing of it but for my postnatal brain it was a lot of information to take in. I do feel that women have very official support either way.

I think it's something mums talk about when meeting another new mum for the first time. It's a common ice breaker - how is feeding? How is sleeping? What kind of birth did you have?

It's rare for anyone to care about the choices someone makes (or those that were made for them), but if you're having a tough time when things don't go to plan for you, it's easy to worry that other people will judge you.

I've always been interested in the choices and circumstances mothers I meet find themselves in, but only care that the mum and baby are ok. No one's choices are anybody's business and we all have to muddle through with what works for us.

I had the passive, oh isn't it sad or isn't it a shame baby wasn't breastfed. Erm yeah sure the baby is really sad they're being fed milk, warm, cuddled

[quote Twizbe]@anilluminatednewyearforme

Before I get flamed. I combi fed my first.

Breastfeeding meant

• lift top
• unhook bra
• latch baby

Done .....

You have to admit, what ever else, the act of feeding is less stages or mental preparation that formula.

It doesn't mean it's 'better' but it is less steps and less to think about.

In contrast for me formula meant

• ensure we had enough as on prescription so couldn't buy in the shops
• didn't have pre made option
• sterilise 2 bottles per day
• portion our powder if going out
• pre fill 2 bottles half way

- hot shot at Feed time

• feed baby
• await resulting vomit and replace bid / clear up. [/quote]

For some people breastfeeding involves less steps than formula feeding but not for everyone.

For me, breastfeeding meant:

• make formula because I wasn’t supplying enough, heat up any expressed breast milk that I had in the fridge
• find the nipple shield that the hospital introduced and I couldn’t get rid of
• put the pillows on the side she would feed from
• lift top, express slightly and attach nipple shield
• take baby, who would start screaming, put her in rugby ball position as that’s the only position I could get her to latch
• try to get her to latch through the screaming
• ask DH to take her to calm her, then put her back in rugby ball
• formula feed in rugby ball to calm her a little and try to slip the nipple in
• reattach the nipple shield as she screamed and pulled it off in desperation
• repeat process of calming with DH and formula until she was calm enough to latch. Which didn’t always happen
• hand baby to DH for winding and set myself up with the breast pump to try and increase my supply and hopefully reduce the fighting and screaming with DD at every single feed
• pump for 20 minutes on each side because despite having a double pump, I couldn’t use it as a double because either my breasts were too big or the wrong shape. I’m not sure which
• wipe up the breastmilk that would leak all over me while I was pumping because breasts were too big or wrong size
• put top back down
• if I got any expressed breast milk, pop in the fridge for the next feed
• add pump and breastfeeding bottles to formula bottle to be washed and sterilised
• wait for the wind and spit up as the aIt’s at different points in her stomach and she could only be fed lying down

For me, formula feeding is:

• order on Amazon when I get paid or nip to coop if needed
• wash, sterilise bottles in advance
• measure out formula in advance
• put bottle in perfect prep machine
• feed baby, no matter how frustrated she is and in upright position limiting wind and spit up.

If I’m going out I take a premise bottle or ready made formula and a sterilised bottle. I wouldn’t be able to breastfeed outside the house because I needed pillows and a nipple shield. I certainly didn’t feel comfortable breastfeeding when out, not because of what other people would say but how frustrated DD would get and how much she would fight with me to get her latched.

I really wanted to breastfeed but the admin and mental load of breastfeeding was the main challenge for me and not at all sustainable.

Sadly you will always find people who will openly judge your choices, on anything and everything, bed times, feeding, working, not working, dummies, non dummies, what age you potty train, how you potty train the list OP is endless with some people, but it's really non of their business and they don't know your circumstances so shouldn't even bother.

People who try to judge or pass opinions which are not asked for, are simply flashing their massive "idiot" beacon for you to see and AVOID at all costs, you simply don't need people like that in your space.

In my experience, most people FF so it was just the norm in the baby groups. I BF, it was hardly even mentioned, a few other mums asked about my experience of breastfeeding and then I remember one getting really quite defensive but I felt for her really as it was clear she wasn't happy with FF, other than that it was really not an issue or even a talking point of how people were feeding.

Don't build this up in your head to be something OP make your decision, it will be the right one for you and your family and that is all that matters full stop.

A couple of decades ago I gave birth to my PFB and the first thing I asked back on the ward was ‘where can I get some baby milk?’ The reply was ‘Do you want to FF?’ - Answer was yes and I was given tiny little jars of formula with screw on teats.
No drama, no judgement, no wringing of hands.
The midwife talked me through it, told me to help myself from the trolly and gave me a big bag of them to keep me going for a day or two when I got home.
I was really happy FF babies. Ran like clockwork for me.

@NinaDefoe

A couple of decades ago I gave birth to my PFB and the first thing I asked back on the ward was ‘where can I get some baby milk?’ The reply was ‘Do you want to FF?’ - Answer was yes and I was given tiny little jars of formula with screw on teats. No drama, no judgement, no wringing of hands. The midwife talked me through it, told me to help myself from the trolly and gave me a big bag of them to keep me going for a day or two when I got home. I was really happy FF babies. Ran like clockwork for me.

It’s such a step backwards that the same support isn’t provided today when you decide to ff.

@Feliana
I get where you're coming from (I've BF and FF, but poos aren't different enough to change entire nappies (I cloth nappy) and the way she said it was like she thought my baby was scarred all over with scales on because she was "just so different".

I love the way @Thethingswedidanddidntdo puts it - shit is shit!

I don't judge. For one thing, if you see someone with a bottle it could be expressed breastmilk in there. Or they could be combination feeding. I don't care much!

As pp have said, parenthood is just like being pelted with judgey balls from all directions sometimes, you have to learn to let them bounce off.

You definitely do get judgey looks for breastfeeding past about 12 months though!

@InTheNightWeWillWish And then add in oral thrush / nipple thrush and you've got to do boil washes of everything, including sheets every day, sterilising pumps etc after each use, medication for baby, cream for your nipples (don't forget to clean them before BF) .....

Easy peasy. So natural.

@InTheNightWeWillWish while I don't disagree that breastfeeding can be like that for the those who find their feeding method straight forward, breast will always be less steps than formula.

Just like breastmilk will always be free whereas formula (without prescriptions) will cost money.

That is not a judgement or saying one is better than the other. They just are.

It's the same as saying no one else can feed your breastfed baby. That just is the case. For me personally that wasn't an issue and tbh there wasn't a queue of people dying to feed my combi fed child either.

How you feed is how you feed and neither is right or wrong.

I formula fed my first and breastfed my second.

I got far more comments second time round from a very unsupportive family and strangers.

Both methods have their pros and cons, if I had #3 (which I won't be!) I'd probably mix feed.

I breastfed my little hulk and he was non stop feeding, I lost so much weight and am already petite as it is, I looked absolutely ragged.

Tried and tried to get him to take a bottle so I could share the wake ups with my husband but he wasn't having it.

I would have loved to have ff, ideally a combo but you can't have it all! These babies do what they want 😀

I noticed judgement when I had my first DS (now 5) as I FF from birth by choice with both of mine. Judgement mainly came from my NCT practitioner when we all came together to do the reunion once babies were born. Also had a bit of judgement during the NCT classes as it was solely focused on bf and I'd already decided it was highly likely I'd FF. when I asked about FF (prepping bottles, any tips etc) I was told I would t need help with FF and that there is no support for FF problems they could help me with.

With my second I had a thicker skin and once again FF from birth and still so happy with my decision.

FWIW - midwives and hospital staff never once judged me and were very helpful.

I formula feed from the beginning, felt bad about it but never experienced any negative comments. People do seem to assume I breast fed and I don’t correct them because it’s a bit emotional for me as I would have like to but it didn’t work out that way.

@Twizbe but you are implying that it is always less steps. I’m not disputing that for some people it is easy and a lot less steps but for many people it isn’t less steps. I’m envious of those that think breastfeeding is less steps, less hassle and less mental work because trying to breastfeed was a full day of mental work. I also don’t agree that breastfeeding is always free. In my attempt to breastfeed I bought:

• a manual breast pump which cost £12
• heat pads/cooling pads and nipple cream which cost £19
• herbal tea to increase my milk which cost £5
• breast pads £8
• double breast pump at £250
• Elvie catch to encourage/catch let down at £30
• nipple shields after the hospital introduced them which cost £12 to make sure I had some spares

That’s not including the cost of a hospital readmission (meals for me and DH because baby was the patient, car parking at visitor feed because DH had to leave at the end of each day, diesel for DH driving 60 miles a day) because she lost too much of her birth weight when I tired to exclusively breastfeed.

To actually get breastfeeding established I would have needed to hire a lactation consultant and the only reason I didn’t is because they aren’t doing house visits at the moment which is what I needed. I only breastfed for 5 weeks but most of that time was thinking I had to continue because of how much money I’d spent trying to get it established.

I see threads all the time on here about people receiving negative comments whether that be for bf or ff.
I have three DC and can only speak from my own experience having done a mixture of breast and bottle in public I have not once had any negative comment either way. Perhaps I’ve just been lucky?
Sometimes people might as are you bf or ff but it’s always just been to make pleasant baby chat they’ve not had an opinion on it either way. Or at least not voiced it to me.
Do whatever you want to do and be proud. It really is nobody else’s business or problem.

Parker231

It really is isn’t it?
I remember the midwife on the ward telling me about the different types of formula (newborn etc), amounts needed and how often. Showing me how to burp my baby, telling me how to sterilise bottles, how to hold the bottle so my baby didn’t swallow air.
She was lovely!
I made a feeding chart when I got home and showed it to the community midwife when she asked how my baby was feeding.
She found it very amusing & told me to crack on!
My PFB was fed by the clock and was the happiest little thing I have ever known! 🤣 I’ve got to say, so was I!

Also, judging by the number of people who chatted to me in the (many) coffee shops I frequented with my little baby (whilst bottle feeding) I don’t think I was judged negatively in public either! 👍🏻

I have got to be honest, after years of sadness (unrelated to pregnancy) I don’t think anyone could have burst my happiness bubble back then!

My advice to any new parent, just savour every minute. Do WHATEVER you can to make both yourself and your baby happy and content!