Do people really judge you for formula feeding?

[solbunny]

I have a beautiful seven week old baby. We had a really hard time in the first six weeks with breastfeeding. I went in assuming that it was just a given that I would breastfeed, I never considered formula purely because I guess I just assumed breastfeeding was kind of the default!

However, we did have an incredibly rough time of it. There was a combination of loads of things including a missed tongue tie, allergies, big boobs and flat nipples, and a baby who just generally did not want to latch properly and was losing weight. In the end my mental health was so incredibly bad and the poor state of my nipples genuinely shocked my health visitor who said they were some of the worst she'd seen. One of them got infected, too, which was a treat. Anyway, at six weeks after spending hundreds on a tongue tie division and seeing three different lactation consultants, I decided to move to formula. I looked into sibling studies and antibody studies and although I did so want to breastfeed, I felt happy with my choice. My mental health improved so much and my baby immediately began to become alert and smiley now that he wasn't having to exhaust himself all day every day just to get enough milk to barely sustain his weight.

I had never had any negative feelings towards formula feeding. My extended family all have done a mixture of breast and bottle, some with one child bottle fed and the next breastfed etc. so I have never really come across the idea of judgement for formula feeding. It didn't even cross my mind!

However, I've seen over the last few days, on places like TikTok, people sharing experiences where mums at playgroups haven't wanted to be friends with them because they formula feed. I've also seen people say they've had negative comments in public. My mind is blown by this and I feel pretty rubbish about the idea that someone will judge the way I feed my baby.

So I want honest answers - have you experienced negatively or judgement from other mums or random members of the public for bottle feeding? What happened?

I'd rather know the reality so that I can prepare myself for it. I'm too fragile to experience this sort of thing right now. It will be better for my mental health to ensure I always feed him in private than get bad comments from people

I used formula and never felt judged. Everyone supported me and it was even the midwife who suggested it!

Also, remember people shout louder online and are more likely to say things that they wouldn’t dare say in real life. They do it just for a reaction…

Good luck OP! x

@SarahJessicaParker1

Only on Mumsnet! I'm sure the really judgey people do exist in real life, but they keep their nasty views to themselves, because they know they would get crucified if they aired them irl.

So don't worry unnecessarily. I've done both- ff one from about 9 weeks. Breastfed my other one past a year. Both were fine and both dcs are fine health wise. If anything the formula fed one is doing better at school and hitting milestones.

Alas, not in my experience — the comments (‘You can always tell a FF baby by the puffy look of them’ from two women with babies in a café in Crouch End) and hostile questions (‘eg Why aren’t you feeding your baby the real way?’ from a random man in a park) were all too real. I do think it depends on where you are, though. This was north London, which appeared to be breastfeeding central.

No one's ever criticised me. I don't think they'd be worth having as friends if they did.

FF babies often sleep through the night earlier and it's easy to be jealous of that.

I formula fed from birth and have received no negative comments (to my face anyway) from anyone, and my friendship group consists of a mixture of mums who breastfeed, formula feed and combination. We’re nothing but supportive of each other.
I wouldn’t worry about what anyone else thinks and do what is right for you and your baby.

@Ruibies

I'm currently pregnant and thinking I will ff, for a number of reasons including my history of breast cancer. But I am overwhelmed by all the literature I have been given so far which ONLY focuses on breastfeeding, and has made me feel like I absolutely have to try even if it's not what I want to do. I've found very little information on formula feeding (like how to actually make a bloody bottle, what temperature things should be at etc) but have pages and pages and pages of info on how to breastfeed. I haven't even started yet and I feel judged/pressured just by the stupid books.

I'm also really worried about how/when/if my milk will come in on my non-cancer boob and dealing with drying it all up, which sounds absolutely horrendous and painful. I'm going to ask my midwife at my 25 week appointment because that's probably the part I"m dreading most at the moment and not sure if that stress is justified or how best to manage it.

Do exactly what you want to and ignore them. Two tiny weany tablets of a drug called cabergoline. I had zero side effects and have had it twice. TELL the doctor in the hospital you want CABERGOLINE. My milk disappeared with no pain. Although it did leak quite a bit which was annoying.

I formula fed DS from day one and no one ever made a single comment. No healthcare professionals, no family, no friends. I was a bit surprised as I expected at least SOMEONE to have a shitty opinion but no one did, or they kept it to themselves.
It wouldn’t have made a difference to me anyway.

I've done both, you get a bit of judgment both ways. Never had anyone refuse to be friends with me because of it though..! If that happened I'd look at them like they had 2 heads.
My exclusively formula fed child has the strongest immune system and academically strongest out of the bunch. All met milestones early, despite the mix of exclusively formula / breastfed and combination feeding. Some people really believe breastfed babies are superior but that hasn't been my experience at all. I know someone who posted photos about breastfed toddlers having better skin, nails etc, she had a rather sickly looking child but obviously had her mother goggles on. Never said anything of course but it did amuse me! Known plenty of healthy formula and breastfed babies, really don't think it makes a difference how you feed. You don't need to justify it either way.
Breastfeeding mums can be the most judgemental on a whole in my experience but never had anything extreme happen.
Don't worry.

Was about to say, there was a woman beside me in hospital after I had ds and she was having a drug to prevent her milk coming in. The nurses / midwives were not pressuring her not to have it at all. All very supportive.

So sorry to hear about your awful experience @Annaghgloor. That's terrible.

I could never have formula fed, but that's because I'm very disorganised especially when sleep deprived and I'd totally have forgotten to bring feeding stuff on a trip and had an angry angry baby... No risk of forgetting my boobs!

Absolute respect to parents who managed formula feeding without forgetting bottles etc because I'd never have done it, given the number of times I went out without nappies🙈

I almost exclusively formula fed three babies. Only one midwife ever put any pressure on me regarding breastfeeding, and she did back off when I showed I was determined to give formula.

My only regret with regard to breastfeeding was that I ever allowed myself to be persuaded to try it. It wrecked my first few days with DD1, who couldn't get any milk out of my ridiculous watermelons and screamed 24/7 about it. Bollocks to that. I began to formula feed and we never looked back.

You need to stop giving a shit what anyone else might think. The majority probably won't even notice.

I gave myself PND by battling on with breastfeeding. I had very badly damaged nipples (still got scar tissue) which then got infected. It was more painful than labour and I‘ve never felt more ill. Ended up in hospital and on antibiotics for a month.
Formula was genuinely a life saver. I am so grateful that it exists! I still remember the exact moment my baby first had formula. The relief was enormous.
Go forth and look after YOUR baby. Other mums can look after theirs.

I think people judge either way. I BF mine and got some funny looks and comments, especially as the kids got a bit older (I BF until they were 2).

If you've tried to feed and found it too much / baby is struggling then of course there is no judgement but i do feel frustrated because almost all these problems could be solved with proper breastfeeding support- most of it is just misunderstandings etc because of a lack of support (this is not the mum's fault at all).

Being totally honest although I don't judge people who just 'choose" not to breastfeeding without even trying,I do think it's sad and again I feel frustrated that there isn't better education / support for those mothers. (NB of course I don't abuse victims etc, that's totally understandable).

@Thethingswedidanddidntdo

I think people judge either way. I BF mine and got some funny looks and comments, especially as the kids got a bit older (I BF until they were 2).

If you've tried to feed and found it too much / baby is struggling then of course there is no judgement but i do feel frustrated because almost all these problems could be solved with proper breastfeeding support- most of it is just misunderstandings etc because of a lack of support (this is not the mum's fault at all).

Being totally honest although I don't judge people who just 'choose" not to breastfeeding without even trying,I do think it's sad and again I feel frustrated that there isn't better education / support for those mothers. (NB of course I don't abuse victims etc, that's totally understandable).

It's OK. I was 'educated' enough by the NHS thank you very much. I read the leaflets. I saw the posters. I listened to the midwives. I read the NHS website. I disagreed.

Unless a woman says. "I don't want to be friends with you because you are giving your baby a bottle", no-one can know that about her.

She might be having a shitty day/week/month. She might be horribly shy, but actually really want a friend. Or she might be making a judgement based on your choice of pram/jeans/baby name. Sweeping statements about women at the school gate/at baby groups being judgmental bitches are themselves very judgmental.

So, OP, go forth and feed your baby. It's easy to make friends when you have kids, you have an instant thing to talk to each other about.

@Franca123 i mean no offence, although of course I do acknowledge that my view is going to offend, and also that it's none of my business- this is why I only say it when asked and only anonymously. I completely and utterly believe it is a mother's own choice. I suppose I just feel so strongly about the benefits of breastmilk that I can't imagine not doing it unless you couldn't (for physical or psychological reasons), so I assume people who choose not to must not have all the facts. But this is just my private view and I wish you and your baby well.

@randomsabreuse

I could never have formula fed, but that's because I'm very disorganised especially when sleep deprived and I'd totally have forgotten to bring feeding stuff on a trip and had an angry angry baby... No risk of forgetting my boobs!

Absolute respect to parents who managed formula feeding without forgetting bottles etc because I'd never have done it, given the number of times I went out without nappies🙈

Unfortunately, if your breasts turn out not to work as nature intended, you’ve no choice but to remember stuff — and in fairness a hungry baby with an excellent set of lungs is an excellent reminder!

I don't think many people do in real life. On the Internet, definitely, but who cares what strangers think?

I desperately tried to BF my first. Stopped after about ten days. I was so ill from birth, so was she and we had a multitude of reasons that all worked against us. I felt so guilty (mostly thanks to NCT classes and the whole breast is best regardless of anything movement!) that I put myself through expressing for six months and mix fed. I'd go back in time and shake myself if I could.

Second baby, tried again, didn't work after about day five. No such guilt. I did express and mix feed for twelve weeks but in a very relaxed 'if it works, it works' way and I was so much happier.

Children are 3 and 5 now and I don't give how they were fed as babies a moments thought and I never experienced anyone judging me openly for bottle feeding (although half the time it was breast milk anyway the first few months). Oh actually one acquaintance did, but she is the same woman that asked me if I regretted giving the MMR and how could I take the risk of giving it to my second when my eldest was diagnosed with autism age 3.... so her judgement is clearly not to be trusted or acknowledged! She regretted asking me that one, trust me.

Lots of judgement online, lots of 'people say they "can't" but what they mean is they don't want to' etc etc etc. If you encounter this just ignore.

I love women who like to pretend that formula feeding is some mammoth task that they're not up to. It's so fucking easy. And you can share the task with other willing participants. If you can't manage to bottle feed a baby, you really shouldn't be caring for a baby.

@Thethingswedidanddidntdo

I think people judge either way. I BF mine and got some funny looks and comments, especially as the kids got a bit older (I BF until they were 2).

If you've tried to feed and found it too much / baby is struggling then of course there is no judgement but i do feel frustrated because almost all these problems could be solved with proper breastfeeding support- most of it is just misunderstandings etc because of a lack of support (this is not the mum's fault at all).

Being totally honest although I don't judge people who just 'choose" not to breastfeeding without even trying,I do think it's sad and again I feel frustrated that there isn't better education / support for those mothers. (NB of course I don't abuse victims etc, that's totally understandable).

But how, on the street or in a cafe, can you tell who chose not to breastfeed and who, like me, spent two months using a supplemental nursing system which involved pumping every hour to try to stimulate supply, hanging a bottle of formula and taping tubes to my breasts under nipple shields every time I fed, seeking advice from everyone from my midwife and GP to La Leche League bf supporters to a paid lactation consultant?

The strangers who were unpleasant to me in public were judging me as lazy or careless or uneducated, purely because of the bottle.

@Thethingswedidanddidntdo

I think people judge either way. I BF mine and got some funny looks and comments, especially as the kids got a bit older (I BF until they were 2).

If you've tried to feed and found it too much / baby is struggling then of course there is no judgement but i do feel frustrated because almost all these problems could be solved with proper breastfeeding support- most of it is just misunderstandings etc because of a lack of support (this is not the mum's fault at all).

Being totally honest although I don't judge people who just 'choose" not to breastfeeding without even trying,I do think it's sad and again I feel frustrated that there isn't better education / support for those mothers. (NB of course I don't abuse victims etc, that's totally understandable).

Why would you think it is sad I chose to use formula from day one? I’m well educated, married to a GP with access to more information and support than I could ever want and from a family of breast feeders.

I chose to formula primarily because it gives babies an excellent start in life and meant that I wasn’t sleep deprived or tied to the house as friends and family could give bottles during the day or night. There was nothing better than the look on my father in law’s face when he gave DS a bottle. I have the picture framed on my desk as the moment was so special

@Annaghgloor it sounds like you had a mammoth task. I hope things are going well for you.

I can't tell the difference, and I would never ask or say anything. And also, I didn't say that I thought they were lazy or anything, I said I was sorry there wasn't better support and information given about the benefits of breastfeeding.

My second child was in NICU and I was told I would need to bottle feed. I was totally OK with that - it's a no brainer, if your baby can't have bm then formula is amazing. So I'm not talking about people in your situation at all. As it turned out my daughter recovered and now we are breastfeeding as that is my personal preference if possible.

@Ruibies

I'm currently pregnant and thinking I will ff, for a number of reasons including my history of breast cancer. But I am overwhelmed by all the literature I have been given so far which ONLY focuses on breastfeeding, and has made me feel like I absolutely have to try even if it's not what I want to do. I've found very little information on formula feeding (like how to actually make a bloody bottle, what temperature things should be at etc) but have pages and pages and pages of info on how to breastfeed. I haven't even started yet and I feel judged/pressured just by the stupid books.

I'm also really worried about how/when/if my milk will come in on my non-cancer boob and dealing with drying it all up, which sounds absolutely horrendous and painful. I'm going to ask my midwife at my 25 week appointment because that's probably the part I"m dreading most at the moment and not sure if that stress is justified or how best to manage it.

If you use formula a Perfect Prep machine is your best friend and a life changer.

@parker231 that sounds lovely, I'm glad you have that photo and that bottle feeding worked for you so well. I agree it gives babies a great start in life. You had the info and you made a choice that worked for you. I was the same - I had the info and for me personally I felt breastmilk did an even better job. In addition our situations are different because I don't have family support and my husband works extremely long and antisocial hours, so there was not that benefit in bottle feeding, I would have had to do it all anyway.

I do still feel that lots of women don't have all the facts because of a lack of education in this country about the benefits of breastfeeding. This clearly doesn't apply to you, based on what you've said.

Yes.

And as pp say, you'll be judged for everything.

So fuck em all and do what's best for your situation.