Do people really judge you for formula feeding?

[solbunny]

I have a beautiful seven week old baby. We had a really hard time in the first six weeks with breastfeeding. I went in assuming that it was just a given that I would breastfeed, I never considered formula purely because I guess I just assumed breastfeeding was kind of the default!

However, we did have an incredibly rough time of it. There was a combination of loads of things including a missed tongue tie, allergies, big boobs and flat nipples, and a baby who just generally did not want to latch properly and was losing weight. In the end my mental health was so incredibly bad and the poor state of my nipples genuinely shocked my health visitor who said they were some of the worst she'd seen. One of them got infected, too, which was a treat. Anyway, at six weeks after spending hundreds on a tongue tie division and seeing three different lactation consultants, I decided to move to formula. I looked into sibling studies and antibody studies and although I did so want to breastfeed, I felt happy with my choice. My mental health improved so much and my baby immediately began to become alert and smiley now that he wasn't having to exhaust himself all day every day just to get enough milk to barely sustain his weight.

I had never had any negative feelings towards formula feeding. My extended family all have done a mixture of breast and bottle, some with one child bottle fed and the next breastfed etc. so I have never really come across the idea of judgement for formula feeding. It didn't even cross my mind!

However, I've seen over the last few days, on places like TikTok, people sharing experiences where mums at playgroups haven't wanted to be friends with them because they formula feed. I've also seen people say they've had negative comments in public. My mind is blown by this and I feel pretty rubbish about the idea that someone will judge the way I feed my baby.

So I want honest answers - have you experienced negatively or judgement from other mums or random members of the public for bottle feeding? What happened?

I'd rather know the reality so that I can prepare myself for it. I'm too fragile to experience this sort of thing right now. It will be better for my mental health to ensure I always feed him in private than get bad comments from people

I both breastfed and formula fed, and the most judgement came from myself. Had a few comments from strangers, but my imagination that people were judging me trumped everything. If I had the time again, I would take charge of my own choices and ignore everyone else. You are the mum, you know best, and you’re doing the best job you can - just own it. Congratulations on your amazing baby, I wish I had just got on with enjoying the precious time I had rather than worry about what others were thinking.

I don't know why nowadays people think it's their business how parents raise their children. Mine are adults now, all formula fed and healthy. Nobody ever criticised. Mind you there was no social media back then and no keyboard warriors!!

Individuals, no. I do judge the terrible breastfeeding support in the country though.

I bottle fed all 3 will bottle fed the 4th in a couple of weeks I’ll be honest I got comments and I’ve had them about my plans. The trick is to just not care I certainly couldn’t care less! It’s you doing it! I had 3 really content easy babies and hoping for a 4th I loved them being little x x x

Some people will, because some people will judge for anything.

People that don't have kids won't have a clue and won't give it a second thought.

The ones that do judge, ignore them.

I breastfed but i dont judge.. i do think its a shame when people refuse to even give the first feed but i understand people have s whole variety of reasons and thats not my place to judge at all.

I also know how bloody hard breastfeeding is.. i had a huge breast abscess st 6 weeks pp and was hospitalised for a week and had a drain in my breast for a further week.. i still breastfed him for 18 months but if that was my 2nd and i had a toddler no way would i have spent hours pumping to build my supply back up!

Breastfeeding is the biological norm, formula is the safe alternative that has literally saved lives!

I combination feed Ds and have never experienced any negativity. I don't know a single mum who hasn't had problems with bf and many seen to combination feed as well.

Funnily enough I did get a lot of negative comments for exclusively bf ing DD and a blot of judgment for still bf her at 18 months.

The most judgement I got though was from myself. I feel so guilty for exclusively breastfeeding DD (she's been having weight gain issues since birth and sometimes I wonder if I didn't produce enough milk for her) and when ds wasn't putting on enough weight and the midwife said I had to top him up.with formula i cried every day for the first two weeks or so. Now I'm just happy he's thriving and I don't care how he or any other baby is fed

If a person wanted to bully mums who use formula they'd best get their busy shoes on because most babies are formula fed. I mean it's totally the norm.

But anyway no, they don't.

Well not more than any other parenting decision anyway. Enjoy your baby!

Thank you for all your responses, it's made me feel better and I'm really interested in everyone's experience.

I'm the first of my friends to have a baby, and my family are incredibly non-judgemental about pretty much everything (which I'm so grateful for), so I'd never really been exposed much to this judgemental aspect of being a mother! I'm not used to having my choices judged in general, so I guess I'd better toughen up and get a thicker skin quick!

I agree with a PP who said formula is a great invention - I'm definitely grateful it exists, especially after my nan told me about how her mother fed her condensed milk as a baby! If my healthy 90 year old nan turned out ok on condensed milk then I'm sure that we all have nothing to worry about!

You read threads like this and you wonder why midwives are still putting so much pressure on women about how they feed your baby. My maternity service was obsessed the first time round with breast is best. Second time round, they toned it right down. Wasn't sure if that was because I was a lost cause as a second timer?

I bottle fed mine - never had any problems. On MN you find threads where a new Mum is getting no sleep, baby is losing weight & crying as it's so hungry - yet people tell her to persevere. A fed baby is a happy baby & that means a happy household. Nobody is interested in how baby was fed once they're older so I can't understand why it's such an emotive topic 🤷🏻‍♀️

Nope. If anything I felt judged for breastfeeding at baby groups. They all had their neat bottles and stuff and I had milk pouring out all over the place

Fed is best.

I BF and there is no judgement to any mama's as to how they feed.

On social media you will always find extremes. In real life all mama's I have met are just trying to survive.

Enjoy your baby and ignore judgement and the advice. Most of it is rubbish.

I was really harshly judged by my family because I breastfed and they bottlefed. But then mums get judged about every tiny thing - so I expect even if I had bottlefed they would have found something else to winge about. I found developing a thick skin and shutting down any criticism with a quick ‘he’s my son not yours. I’ll decide what’s best for him’ works really well.

I breastfed and was fortunate that I found it easy (I think luck of the draw rather than anything I did). I literally have never given a thought to anyone else's feeding choices unless they were unhappy with them and told me, in which case I probably sympathised. It's fine. My mum fed me on watered down Carnation which is definitely not ideal and I am over fifty and very healthy.

I think it might depend on the area where you live. I'm im SW London and we have been combi feeding because my baby was in NICU / SCBU, dropped to below the 0.4th centile and was losing so much weight. I went to a baby sensory class and in 10weeks of classes saw loads of breastfeeding but not one bottle feeding (either expressed or formula). It made me feel pretty judged that i was having to give DD top ups. I then started a different baby class about a 1.5miles down the road and it was much more mixed. Some mums bottle feeding and some breastfeeding. I felt so much more relaxed and to me the class had a much nicer atmosphere. So i can completely see how some mums might have that kind of experience if they are in an area with very high rates of breastfeeding.

You'll find you can't do right for doing wrong and everybody will have an opinion-screw them. Fed is best as others have said. I've been lucky enough to be able to BF both of mine but I say lucky because it's saved me from having to be organised and sort out and look after equipment and supplies for formula. I always give a genuine and heartfelt hats off to anyone that FFs because I am too bloody lazy for it (obviously I would if I needed to). FF isn't a cop out or easy option and I wish more people would realise this. Hopefully you will meet fellow mums at baby groups who think like this rather than the judgy sort too, the majority at the groups I do/did go to were lovely!

The only place I got discriminated against was in hospital, I had been very poorly & practically unconscious for nearly two days after ds was delivered by emcs & whenever I drifted out of my unconscious state there was a midwife trying to clamp ds on my boob. On my birth plan in red I had put that I was going to FF & they ignored it. Ds was screaming because he was starving & my mum asked for a bottle to feed him ( this was before you had to take your own milk) & was refused. It took another 24 hours before I was in a fit state to demand a bottle, from that moment I never got any care at all. Every time I needed a bottle I had to press the buzzer & the midwife could be 20 minutes before she came back with a bottle & ds was screaming. In the end I discharged myself & went home even though I was still very poorly & refused when they wanted me to go back in when my blood pressure was critically high.

@Ozanj

I was really harshly judged by my family because I breastfed and they bottlefed. But then mums get judged about every tiny thing - so I expect even if I had bottlefed they would have found something else to winge about. I found developing a thick skin and shutting down any criticism with a quick ‘he’s my son not yours. I’ll decide what’s best for him’ works really well.

Same, I bf and the only judgement I received was from family, my mum mainly, she feels sorry for my son because I had a fizzy drink poor him having to get that through my milk, he’s too big your milk isn’t enough for him look at the size of him he needs formula to keep him happy (he was a big boy) her next door gives a bottle of formula at night your the only one I know who doesn’t, making a rod for your own back, if people knew you were still breastfeeding him they would laugh (said when he was 18 months)...

@GuidingSpirit

I think it might depend on the area where you live. I'm im SW London and we have been combi feeding because my baby was in NICU / SCBU, dropped to below the 0.4th centile and was losing so much weight. I went to a baby sensory class and in 10weeks of classes saw loads of breastfeeding but not one bottle feeding (either expressed or formula). It made me feel pretty judged that i was having to give DD top ups. I then started a different baby class about a 1.5miles down the road and it was much more mixed. Some mums bottle feeding and some breastfeeding. I felt so much more relaxed and to me the class had a much nicer atmosphere. So i can completely see how some mums might have that kind of experience if they are in an area with very high rates of breastfeeding.

I agree with this. I find the national stats on breast feeding astonishing. Everyone I know and come across exclusively breast feeds. At least for the first six months but mostly far far longer. I was definitely the odd one out and I think someone with thinner skin than mine would have found formula feeding really tough.

To be a mother is to be in the wrong!

It's merely an extension of the misogyny that abounds due to being in a patriarchal world.

I bf dd until almost 10 months and then had to switch to ff as milk dried. I've never judged another mother for their choices but I've been judged for both choices!

By complete strangers who knew sod all about me or my life or my child's and it was none of their damn business! Also by my own mum - she had claimed until then "I bf all mine" then after I had dd (she's the eldest dgc) it transpired she'd only done so for the 1st 6 weeks and thought there was no benefit to doing so longer than that! (Whole other thread really!) and she was quite odd with me when I continued.

You need to toughen up as a mother really cos EVERYTHING you do gets judged!

You do what's best for you and your family and everyone else can sod off!

I also

co-slept

didn't sleep train but also didn't jump to attention at every whimper

used dummies

didn't use a monitor

tried a sling and hated it

fed her puréed and even jars at times (they are very convenient for busy days and when out and about)

didn't give her ALL my attention EVERY minute of every day!...

She's now 20 and at uni and a perfectly happy, healthy (aside from a genetic condition), well adjusted person!

I had been caring for babies from the age of 14 and was a nanny before dd and a childminder after.

I have cared for babies who were bf, ff, mixed fed, sleep trained/not sleep trained...

Quite honestly unless you know said baby VERY well you'd have no idea!

Nobody else's business

FWIW with my 2nd I was adamant I would never go through that again and miraculously it just clicked which was basically a total fluke, just like having a baby who sleeps all the time is!

Yep!

An awful lot of things that are portrayed/believed to be due to parenting decisions are actually down to pure luck!

How well they sleep is one of these for sure!

I do judge the terrible breastfeeding support in the country though.

Same! Not because women should be pushed into bf but because there's fuck all support for those that WANT to! Midwives and hv at least when I had dd (I am surmising from hearing irl and threads on here little has changed!) seem not to actually be trained on how to help with the various challenges of bf. Hell ime they were also bloody clueless on ff! (We went through several different kinds of bottles, tests and formula before we found a combo that worked for dd - my hv and gp at that time were erring towards diagnosing a condition that simply wasn't true)

I was unlucky with 1st midwife who was clueless, luckily she was temp as my intended midwife was on leave, she was MUCH better! Dd had been tube fed initially as she was poorly and in scbu, then ff immediately prior to discharge, the 1st midwife basically didn't believe it was possible to move from that to bf - which it is! As long as mum is still producing milk of course.

I got angry years later as I discovered I COULD have continued bf as I could have been given medication to stimulate milk production IF I had been given this in the 24 hours after it naturally dried but I was told just to ff.

People that don't have kids won't have a clue and won't give it a second thought.

Not true I've had crappy comments from women without dc of their own. I did point this out to them and told them to shut their traps though!

Combo feeding I think needs much more publicity/education on

FF isn't a cop out or easy option

Definitely! I personally hated doing it because it was such a faff! Pros and cons to both

I’m a couple of days behind you OP with a 6 week old baby but I stopped breastfeeding last week. Similar problems to you (and it never occurred to me that one of the problems I would face is that my boobs were too big). My baby lost too much weight and we got readmitted before she was a week old and I had to top up with formula. I do feel judged for not breastfeeding. We were in John Lewis and popped in the cafe because baby needed a feed, a woman came in and breastfed her baby while I ff mine (I was still breastfeeding but just at home at this point). I felt everyone was judging me and looking at me like I couldn’t even be bothered and I’d rather stuff my face with cake than feed my baby (DH fed her). I also felt sad that I couldn’t be the woman serenely feeding her baby in John Lewis. Breastfeeding for me included propping DD up on pillows, holding my breast from her nose so she could breathe and often fighting with a screaming, hungry baby. It wasn’t serene. It was stressful.

I said at the beginning of my pregnancy I wanted to breastfeed but only if it didn’t impact my mental health, which all the midwives said was a good approach. Somewhere between the NCT classes, reading all the problems with breastfeeding and passing antibodies to my baby during a pandemic I’ve got really fixated on breastfeeding and feel sad that it’s not worked for me. I think some of the judgement is what we put on ourselves but I am so much happier not having to do battle with a baby every two hours.

Some people might judge, but those people will judge anything. Don't take anything to heart op, as soon as you have a baby theres always some weirdo who seems to think it's their business- it isn't!

Stay clear of anyone who judges you for FF your baby. You do not need people like that in your life.

Everyone I know ff, I rarely see anyone bf in public