Do people really judge you for formula feeding?

[solbunny]

I have a beautiful seven week old baby. We had a really hard time in the first six weeks with breastfeeding. I went in assuming that it was just a given that I would breastfeed, I never considered formula purely because I guess I just assumed breastfeeding was kind of the default!

However, we did have an incredibly rough time of it. There was a combination of loads of things including a missed tongue tie, allergies, big boobs and flat nipples, and a baby who just generally did not want to latch properly and was losing weight. In the end my mental health was so incredibly bad and the poor state of my nipples genuinely shocked my health visitor who said they were some of the worst she'd seen. One of them got infected, too, which was a treat. Anyway, at six weeks after spending hundreds on a tongue tie division and seeing three different lactation consultants, I decided to move to formula. I looked into sibling studies and antibody studies and although I did so want to breastfeed, I felt happy with my choice. My mental health improved so much and my baby immediately began to become alert and smiley now that he wasn't having to exhaust himself all day every day just to get enough milk to barely sustain his weight.

I had never had any negative feelings towards formula feeding. My extended family all have done a mixture of breast and bottle, some with one child bottle fed and the next breastfed etc. so I have never really come across the idea of judgement for formula feeding. It didn't even cross my mind!

However, I've seen over the last few days, on places like TikTok, people sharing experiences where mums at playgroups haven't wanted to be friends with them because they formula feed. I've also seen people say they've had negative comments in public. My mind is blown by this and I feel pretty rubbish about the idea that someone will judge the way I feed my baby.

So I want honest answers - have you experienced negatively or judgement from other mums or random members of the public for bottle feeding? What happened?

I'd rather know the reality so that I can prepare myself for it. I'm too fragile to experience this sort of thing right now. It will be better for my mental health to ensure I always feed him in private than get bad comments from people

I would never judge a mother for feeding her baby formula milk and I am shocked to hear other people would. If anyone ever judges you for formula feeding tell them to get in the sea. You don't have to put up with those judgements, if people judge you it's their problem not yours - it's hard but don't take that on. You are doing a fabulous job feeding your baby. At the end of the day you can't tell who was BF and who was FF. You are a brilliant mum, who is doing the best for her child. Ignore the haters and I'm sorry you've had to deal with this.x

@solbunny it's not my area of expertise but I believe I'm right in saying that the mother passes on antibodies and what not via the placenta. This is how a baby's immune system is largely built.

When you become a parent, people judge you for EVERYTHING. Bottle or breast, early weaning or late weaning, forward facing or rear facing. Just get used to it.

As many PPs have said, people will judge you either way, you can’t win! I am breastfeeding my 9 week old but have had people trying to tell me that I need to give him ‘hungry baby’ formula instead because he feeds so often and they think my breast milk isn’t enough for him. I’ve ignored them, as he is putting on weight and is a happy, calm baby. Obviously if I ever needed to switch to formula for reasons similar to yours then I would.

Just do what is right for you and your baby, it doesn’t matter what others think, you know your baby best!

The thing is - you can never win! Accept that about motherhood and get comfortable with your choices!

Congrats on your baby!!

It's nice that some people on here had support from midwives or health visitors. Mine were useless and I was basically just left to get on with it. There was no support either way.

There will always be people who judge, to be honest you will probably find yourself judging others for random stuff. It's human nature. At the end of the day you do you and who cares what anyone else thinks. Your mental health and happiness is just as important as your baby's happiness. I bottle fed as struggled with breast and it was the right decision for us. One that meant others could give a bottle and give me a break, much to my partners delight in the middle of the night

@Franca123 hope this tag works - thank you so much, I have never heard of Cabergoline so off to do some googling now!

@Parker231 haha yes I am eyeing up a perfect prep machine and think we will definitely go for it, it makes the whole thing look so much easier! I've seen hundreds of people swear by them on social media etc as well.

@Twizbe and @NotVictorianHonestly thanks so much for replying - there really isn't much definitive info out there on breastfeeding post-cancer, other than anecdotal so it's always good to hear others' experiences and advice! In my case, I am 2 years clear of Triple Negative BC, and the chances of recurrence are higher than other types of BC until I reach about 5 years clear. My only protection against recurrence is close monitoring and early detection. For that reason, I'm on a 10-year annual MRI programme, but I cannot have scans until I'm 3 months postpartum, or 3 months post breastfeeding finishing. Formula feeding from birth means that at 3 months postpartum, I'll only be a month behind when I should have my next MRI. For me, the peace of mind I'll have from being able to attend my scans far outweighs the need to breastfeed, especially for any extended period of time. I'm hoping to harvest or express colostrum immediately, but again, feel a bit out of my depth as I've not found much useful info on this yet. Sorry for such a detailed response, I don't mean to overly justify myself, I just find myself in such a different position from most mums it's nice to be able to share sometimes. And I'm definitely going to seek further advice - I've got my 25w midwife appt at the end of Jan and will see about speaking to a Lactation Consultant too.

Most people won't judge. But a few, the type of person who scans for metrics to judge people on to confirm their own choices, might land on breastfeeding as a stick to beat you with. These people are an arse-ache right throughout parenthood and it's best to ignore them from the outset.

@Ruibies I understand totally. I know my friend found it very isolating not having anyone else to speak to who had given birth post cancer and who'd breastfed. The women she met and made friends with through treatment were all older and already had their families. She felt like the whole thing was just a reminder that her breasts nearly killed her.

I'm not sure if there are any groups around on Facebook for women who've been through this as well.

My friend did appear on stand up to cancer a few years back and I think she met some people through that.

@mrscotton If you've decided you want to FF and can afford to then I honestly would just buy the PP machine... what's it got to do with your mum?! You don't need to compromise with her, do what you want!

Messing around with boiling water, especially at night (although I always used pre-made at night anyway, that's even easier!) is a total pain!

First couple of days/weeks you won't need one anyway, as the smallest bottle they make is 4oz and a newborn won't drink that much so can be a bit wasteful. The newborn pre-made packs come with little screw on teats and are perfect for those first few days.

@Terminallysleepdeprived - that's horrendous! Sorry you went through that. Wtf is wrong with some people. How could a newborn ever be overweight??!

I had one HV say "Oh god. So you're not even pumping anymore, so she's not even getting even a tiny bit of breastmilk? That's so terrible".

At this point I hadn't BF for 2 months and my tits were well and truly empty. So if she'd wanted me to somehow start again if wouldn't have been possible anyway. So her only intention must have been to make me feel bad.

@stillsleeptraining I used tomsuffer badly with MH issues and had horrific antenatal depression. My midwife had the MAT team on standby as I was a worry for PND as after 17 years of being told I would never conceive I struggled to believe I was pregnant and was very detatched from it all. I was constantly worried it was all a dream and that someone would take dd off me and tell me it had all been a horrid instate and she wasn't really mine. She had breathing issues when first born and they went to whisk her away to nicu the second she was born. The MW on duty stopped them and brought the special cot thingy in to my room so they could work her with me. She was half an hour old before I held her.

I actually coped a lot better than expected once dd was in my arms than I think anyone expected, but it was no thanks to the vile HV. Had I been stronger I would have gone after her with the full weight of the complaints procedure and I would have fought for her to lose her job. I just hope she changed her ways.

99% of people have absolutely no interest in how anyone else feeds their baby or in any other aspect of other people's parenting, provided it's not abusive or neglectful. I'm convinced that the vast majority of what people describe as "being judged" is actually the person projecting their own insecurities onto other people who don't give a shit.

@Terminallysleepdeprived God that sounds hard. Hope you got the support you needed. So glad you got your little miracle x

@Franca123 there are huge benefits to mother and baby to breastfeeding, so this isn’t true or helpful.

As I’ve said up thread, bf doesn’t work for everyone and I don’t judge people for how they feed their babies . But minimising or refuting the well-evidenced health benefits doesn’t benefit anyone.

People judge for all sorts so best to ignore them and do what's safest and best for your baby and family!

I got judged for NOT taking my young baby on long hikes or to late night parties !

@Franca123 you're teetering in the edge of doing exactly what you don't like breastfeeding mums doing.

You seem to be judging us for believing there are benefits to breastfeeding

You seem to be judging us for choosing to breastfeed when formula exists

How about just say ok breastfeeding wasn't for me but I can understand why another women would want to do it? Or acknowledge that there are some things formula can't do that breastmilk can but that that is ok and nothing bad or worse just different.

Modern formula is amazing. I have a baby book from 1950. It mentions powdered baby milk, but that it's expensive and hard to get hold of. Instead they suggest feeding baby a bottle of 50/50 boiled whole milk and boiled water with 10 teaspoons of Demerara sugar ....

@GalacticGoddess

People judge for all sorts so best to ignore them and do what's safest and best for your baby and family!

I got judged for NOT taking my young baby on long hikes or to late night parties !

Pah! I still get judged for not letting my children (5 and 3) stay up late at parties and things. It doesn't work for my children, they don't enjoy it. Good routine and decent bedtimes do work.

I was told I was horrible for not letting them stay up to see the new year in. Also my sibling is getting married (locally) soon, and I have arranged for my in laws to collect them for us at 6:30pm and take them home to bed. Mean, apparently, they'll miss the party! Nope, they're little, they'll have been at a wedding all day on their best behaviour being part of the wedding party (probably bored rigid for half of it!) and by the time the evening do rolls round they'll be getting to be grouchy little so and so's and be ready for their day to end. Who will have to deal with them if they stay and are whingy and cross? Not the people calling me mean, that's for sure!

I don't care. Nearly 6 years into parenting and I give zero fucks what other people think!

[quote Greenmarmalade]@Franca123 there are huge benefits to mother and baby to breastfeeding, so this isn’t true or helpful.

As I’ve said up thread, bf doesn’t work for everyone and I don’t judge people for how they feed their babies . But minimising or refuting the well-evidenced health benefits doesn’t benefit anyone.[/quote]
What you’ve said isn’t strictly true or helpful either. Most breastfeeding studies are observational as anything else would be unethical so can’t exclude other factors. The strongest evidence I’ve seen is that breastfeeding provides a small risk reduction in having specific cancers and that infants under one who breastfeed have slightly less ear infections. Given that breastfeeding itself may come with a whole host of issues for mother and baby I don’t think the benefits always outweigh the costs for many women. That coupled with shocking post partum support and low breastfeeding rates for multiple generations it’s not surprising that UK mums often struggle to establish breastfeeding.

Not my baby, not my business.

I think this thread is an excellent example of what really gets judged and it isn't formula, which is why so few babies are EBF by 6m. You do see an awful lot of unkind judgement about committed BFers though. These threads always go the same way, with the majority of BFers saying they don't care, but it's easy, free and heathy. Then the FF who spend post after post belittling the benefits of BF to both mum and baby WHEN PROPERLY SUPPORTED and scoffing at anyone who disagrees. It's just not necessary.

I think it’s more when bfers insinuate that ff aren’t giving their babies the best start in life. Fed is 100% best - every time

I've never seen a BFer insinuate that. Most have had teething problems themselves, some have persevered through bloody hell to continue and are not inclined to bitch at other women in the same boat. Fed is not best, it's crucial. All babies need to be fed. How that is done is a matter for each woman to decide for herself, but the constant sneering at BFers does get wearing. Breastapo, lentil knitters, there is no biological advantage, it's all for mums benefit, it's perverse, blah blah blah. If it was the other way round, rates would be better. They aren't crap because BF is impossible, it's attitudes and support.

@Parker231

I think it’s more when bfers insinuate that ff aren’t giving their babies the best start in life. Fed is 100% best - every time

Yes I think it's this.

I never ever get annoyed at seeing someone say they breastfeed and love it, or found it easy, or prefer it. Good for them I say.

I do get annoyed when I see BF mums say things like 'of course formula is great but breast is better, there's no arguing with the science' or 'I have no problem with people formula feeding at all but it's not what I would choose to do!' or 'I worked really hard to BF (not doubting they did!) and if people did X Y and Z like I did for weeks/months on end then they could have been successful too, it's rubbish to say you couldn't do it' That sort of thing grates, especially if you tried really hard and couldn't do it, and it's all a bit backhanded.

Fed is best. It's not 'the minimum' as I do often seen said!