Do people really judge you for formula feeding?

[solbunny]

I have a beautiful seven week old baby. We had a really hard time in the first six weeks with breastfeeding. I went in assuming that it was just a given that I would breastfeed, I never considered formula purely because I guess I just assumed breastfeeding was kind of the default!

However, we did have an incredibly rough time of it. There was a combination of loads of things including a missed tongue tie, allergies, big boobs and flat nipples, and a baby who just generally did not want to latch properly and was losing weight. In the end my mental health was so incredibly bad and the poor state of my nipples genuinely shocked my health visitor who said they were some of the worst she'd seen. One of them got infected, too, which was a treat. Anyway, at six weeks after spending hundreds on a tongue tie division and seeing three different lactation consultants, I decided to move to formula. I looked into sibling studies and antibody studies and although I did so want to breastfeed, I felt happy with my choice. My mental health improved so much and my baby immediately began to become alert and smiley now that he wasn't having to exhaust himself all day every day just to get enough milk to barely sustain his weight.

I had never had any negative feelings towards formula feeding. My extended family all have done a mixture of breast and bottle, some with one child bottle fed and the next breastfed etc. so I have never really come across the idea of judgement for formula feeding. It didn't even cross my mind!

However, I've seen over the last few days, on places like TikTok, people sharing experiences where mums at playgroups haven't wanted to be friends with them because they formula feed. I've also seen people say they've had negative comments in public. My mind is blown by this and I feel pretty rubbish about the idea that someone will judge the way I feed my baby.

So I want honest answers - have you experienced negatively or judgement from other mums or random members of the public for bottle feeding? What happened?

I'd rather know the reality so that I can prepare myself for it. I'm too fragile to experience this sort of thing right now. It will be better for my mental health to ensure I always feed him in private than get bad comments from people

Are people really saying that the antibodies in breastmilk are practically worthless?

@Radziwill

Are people really saying that the antibodies in breastmilk are practically worthless?

I don’t know! Have they? Maybe RTT and find out?

I agonised about this for a year, breastfed even though I hated it. Topped up with formula and felt I had to explain myself for doing so.

I learned one thing: literally no one else other than you gives a fuck. Feed your baby however you want and they will be fine x

@NinaDefoe, people have actually said on this thread that formula and breastmilk are equally good.

[quote stillsleeptraining]@InTheNightWeWillWish And then add in oral thrush / nipple thrush and you've got to do boil washes of everything, including sheets every day, sterilising pumps etc after each use, medication for baby, cream for your nipples (don't forget to clean them before BF) .....

Easy peasy. So natural.[/quote]
Eh? I get your point overall but I didn't do any of that stuff when breastfeeding.

[quote Radziwill]@NinaDefoe, people have actually said on this thread that formula and breastmilk are equally good.[/quote]
I fed my now adult DC formula.
They are very well thank you!
I was exclusively BF by my Mum and have always been sickly. My immune system is shot. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Honestly OP you'd be judged by people for breastfeeding too. Welcome to motherhood.
Just ignore & enjoy your beautiful baby. Congratulations!

[quote Radziwill]@NinaDefoe, people have actually said on this thread that formula and breastmilk are equally good.[/quote]
Just to add, I haven’t said it upthread but actually yes, formula was better for my own DC than my milk. There are many reasons this might be the case. Definitely the case in mine.

I did feel pretty judged by my mil with dc1. I had a terrible birth experience and lost a lot of blood. I genuinely couldn’t breastfeed, my milk just didn’t come in despite trying all sorts. Midwives said it was because my body was trying to make up the blood I’d lost (I was severely anaemic and should have had a blood transfusion) so my milk never came. Looking back now I can see I was quite poorly. Mil kept telling me at the time how important it was to breastfeed for the first 3 months and I really should. It really upset me at the time because I really did want to breastfeed. To make matters worse sil breastfeed each of hers for a year so she was put up on a pedestal as a shining example of the perfect mother.

I certainly think formula is as good for the baby as breast milk. I also don't believe in the magic of colostrum. Breastmilk may well contain anti bodies but there is little good quality evidence that this translates into better outcomes for the baby or the adult the baby grows in to. The claims made for the benefits of breastmilk for the baby are frankly ludicrous. Cures lukeamia anyone?

@GrendelsGrandma the point I was making is that for some women, myself included, it isn’t just 3 steps to breastfeed. I didn’t do any of the bits that stillsleeptraining did because I didn’t experience nipple/oral thrush but she did. So in addition to the long list I had to do every time I wanted to breastfeed, she also had to do the other bits she mentioned. If she had to do all that one top of the various admin I had to do, I’m surprised (and in awe) that she didn’t crack to be honest. But well done to you that you didn’t have to do that, I guess some people shockingly have different experiences 🤷‍♀️

In real life people don't judge. Its an internet thing.

Im currently pregnant and plan to formula feed from birth. I have very low self confidence so would feel very awkward about breast feeding in front of anyone apart from my husband (even if i was in my own home).
I have had this conversation with at least 10 people and each one has said that as long as they are fed & healthy, it doesnt really matter. My sister in law breast fed my neice (nearly 4) and bottle fed my nephew (nearly 2). My neice was alot more unsettled when younger whereas my nephew was a settled baby, i guess this was due to having the right amount of milk everytime. You wouldnt tell they were fed differently when a baby as they are both healthy.

@mrscotton - congratulations!

I’d highly recommend a Perfect Prep and microwave steriliser - they take minutes and anything to make life easier!

@franca123 I've never seen it suggested it cures leukemia?! There's a lot of robust studies showing it cuts the risk of developing it though.

Some people (women - whoever heard of a man having an opinion on how a baby is fed ) may judge you ... but if you are confident in your decision then who cares? There are some incredibly judgmental opinions on Mumsnet - on all sorts of issues (years ago I was called 'abusive' as I mentioned I let my baby self settle to sleep and didn't hover over him all evening...) ... it's part of being a parent to be judged ... you learn to grow a thick skin.

MT hey might fir the first year, but then no-one will
Ever mention it again and you’ll wonder why it was ever an issue.

[quote NotVictorianHonestly]@franca123 I've never seen it suggested it cures leukemia?! There's a lot of robust studies showing it cuts the risk of developing it though.[/quote]
Risk of childhood leukemia is tiny. Breastfeeding reduces it a tiny bit. Forgive me for feeling that that particular nugget of information is a stick to beat women with.

Yes. I was shouted at in m&s cafe by a man because my baby was crying and I was putting the ready pour milk into a bottle. Shouted that I should be breastfeeding her ( I had IGT and already was struggling emotionally with mix feeding)

I thought it was established fact that breast milk has advantages over formula when you compare successful formula feeding with successful breastfeeding

[quote Parker231]@mrscotton - congratulations!

I’d highly recommend a Perfect Prep and microwave steriliser - they take minutes and anything to make life easier![/quote]
Thank you. 31 weeks tomorrow so not long now :) i have looked at them already, my mum thinks i wouldnt use it so ive compromised with her saying ill see how i get on and then might get one if i struggle with making bottles with the kettle etc.

@Thethingswedidanddidntdo

I thought it was established fact that breast milk has advantages over formula when you compare successful formula feeding with successful breastfeeding

I don’t think it is. Studies tend to compare formula fed babies with breastfed babies from different families and socio economic backgrounds. They don’t compare siblings fed differently. Anecdotally I was formula fed and my siblings were breastfed. They are both 20+ stone with asthma and hayfever. Neither went to university. I don’t have these issues and have an MA. I don’t think that’s down to formula. I just think people are different

@Notwithittoday that's really interesting, thanks

@solbunny honestly yes. For medical reasons I wasn't allowed to breastfeed. My friends and family were fine.

My HV however was a complete witch. She hadn't bothered to find out why I hadn't tried to breastfeed just decided I was lazy i think. She made my life hell. At 4 weeks old she told me dd was overweight and needed to go on a diet. Dd was born at 7lb 1. At 4 weeks she was still under 8lb. I have no idea why she decided dd was overweight. At 8.5 yrs old she is still only 26.5kg, she never had Buddha rolls. Newborn babies fell off her til she was about 12 weeks old. Every visit from the HV was hell. When I went for my 6 week check up I burst into tears on the GP. He told me it was fine, dd was fine and that I could refuse the visits and he would back me up. The next time she rang to arrange a visit I told her I didn't want to see her again. She turned up at my door that day and tried to accuse me of trying to harm my baby and if I refused her visit she would report me to SS. I told her to get the hell off my doorstep and if she came near me again I would call the police. She left. I rang the GP surgery and they dealt with her. I moved house a few weeks later and never saw her again.

The only other thing that sticks in my head was a bunch of trendy mums at a local cafe who tutted and muttered about how I was poisoning my baby and how it was disgusting that formula was allowed to be sold. I couldn't be bothered to put them straight.

@Franca123

I certainly think formula is as good for the baby as breast milk. I also don't believe in the magic of colostrum. Breastmilk may well contain anti bodies but there is little good quality evidence that this translates into better outcomes for the baby or the adult the baby grows in to. The claims made for the benefits of breastmilk for the baby are frankly ludicrous. Cures lukeamia anyone?

It has been interesting to read about this tbh. I had my two covid jabs in pregnancy and one of the reasons I pushed myself so hard to carry on breastfeeding was that I wanted to breastfeed my baby when I got my booster jab, which was at six weeks.

Imagine how irritating it was to have pushed myself through that, only to see a new study showing that whilst covid antibodies passed into the bloodstream of babies whose mothers were vaccinated whilst pregnant, they didn't for the ones who were only exposed to the vaccine via breastfeeding. The antibodies were found in the breast milk, but they didn't pass into the baby's blood stream, they just hang out in the nose mouth and gut for the duration of breastfeeding only.

So that was another load of pressure I put on myself because of the "breast is best" pressure, only to find it to be not quite be what I thought!