Do people really judge you for formula feeding?

[solbunny]

I have a beautiful seven week old baby. We had a really hard time in the first six weeks with breastfeeding. I went in assuming that it was just a given that I would breastfeed, I never considered formula purely because I guess I just assumed breastfeeding was kind of the default!

However, we did have an incredibly rough time of it. There was a combination of loads of things including a missed tongue tie, allergies, big boobs and flat nipples, and a baby who just generally did not want to latch properly and was losing weight. In the end my mental health was so incredibly bad and the poor state of my nipples genuinely shocked my health visitor who said they were some of the worst she'd seen. One of them got infected, too, which was a treat. Anyway, at six weeks after spending hundreds on a tongue tie division and seeing three different lactation consultants, I decided to move to formula. I looked into sibling studies and antibody studies and although I did so want to breastfeed, I felt happy with my choice. My mental health improved so much and my baby immediately began to become alert and smiley now that he wasn't having to exhaust himself all day every day just to get enough milk to barely sustain his weight.

I had never had any negative feelings towards formula feeding. My extended family all have done a mixture of breast and bottle, some with one child bottle fed and the next breastfed etc. so I have never really come across the idea of judgement for formula feeding. It didn't even cross my mind!

However, I've seen over the last few days, on places like TikTok, people sharing experiences where mums at playgroups haven't wanted to be friends with them because they formula feed. I've also seen people say they've had negative comments in public. My mind is blown by this and I feel pretty rubbish about the idea that someone will judge the way I feed my baby.

So I want honest answers - have you experienced negatively or judgement from other mums or random members of the public for bottle feeding? What happened?

I'd rather know the reality so that I can prepare myself for it. I'm too fragile to experience this sort of thing right now. It will be better for my mental health to ensure I always feed him in private than get bad comments from people

Even the NHS seems to be rolling back from it's breast is best advise. Why are women still banging on about it? There is nothing to support that claim. Formula and breast are equally as good. It's just a matter of preference or indeed, whether you are physically able to breast feed. Stop pressurising women to breastfeed by suggesting the outcomes are better for the child.

Rarely in real life. Have read plenty of disparaging comments online about how I’m failing my kids somehow. I just avoid looking if I’m feeling vulnerable.

@Franca123 'Stop pressurising women to breastfeed by suggesting the outcomes are better for the child.'

Is that directed at me? I hope I'm not pressurising anyone, that's not my intention. My belief is that breastmilk has been proven to have benefits that formula can't emulate, such as providing antibodies. In addition studies have shown breastfed babies are less likely to be obese as adults, less likely to die of SIDs and also have better developed brains, although it's not clear whether this is due to the breastmilk specifically or other factors that often appear alongside breastfeeding prevalence.

The only person outside of a hospital setting that judged me for formula feeding was me. Nobody else could care less.

The nurses on the ward perhaps unintentionally made me feel like a failure when my milk still hadn't come in after a week, so after that I constantly felt like I had to explain each time, why I was FF, which is utterly ridiculous.

I too normally hide these threads as I find it a bit triggering, but here is my tuppence-worth (from the perspective of youngest DC now being 5:

When I was pregnant with ds1 I just assumed I would be able to breastfeed. I watched all the videos, read all the books/articles. I looked up la leche league, local bf support, bought lanolin cream - everything. I had a traumatic birth and my milk didn't seem to come in, DS couldn't latch properly, despite Midwife telling me I had 'great nipples' he was losing weight. I tried feeding constantly, feeding in bed, on demand, went to bf support group, had local support worker, hv and midwife trying to help me. Nipples cracked and bleeding. I had PTSD from the birth, sleep deprivation and what turned out to be pretty bad pnd. After a couple of weeks I was a basket case. I felt like a failure giving him formula, I was in tears making up the first bottle but it meant DH could help with feeds and I could get some sleep.

I expressed for ds2 (prem and fed by NG tube) and then went on to bottles and formula when I couldn't keep up with demand . With DD I tried again to bf, thought I was doing ok but she lost 15% of her birth weight in a week and we nearly had to be readmitted to hospital. At that point I thought "fuck this".

I've since found out for unrelated reasons that (despite being well endowed in the breast department) my milk ducts are small and not all properly connected to the nipple so my supply was always going to be shite/not enough. Whilst I don't think anyone ever criticized me to my face, I have friends that have breastfed easily and I think it can be hard for people to understand a decision to FF if they haven't had any difficulties. People make the assumption that you are either ignorant or can't be arsed.

As a pp said, when the kids start school no one will be able to tell which children were fed in which way.

I also used to feel I had to constantly explain reasons for FF (and I obviously still do, on some level hence my prev post!)

Nobody openly judged me and honestly, I couldn't have given a flying fuck if they had. I prescribe to 'fed is best'. And it's nobody's business but you're own.

I think people judge mothers about most things. Some judge on breastfeeding in public; others for formula feeding. Pay no attention!

However- I have never seen a mother openly judged for formula feeding. It’s very much the norm.

I breastfed all 4 of my babies and I can understand and empathise with a huge list of reasons why it might not work out, or why someone might not choose to do it. I imagine most breastfeeding mothers feel the same.

I wish I had met one happy formula feeder like myself. Luckily my family are very practical about these things so we're just very supportive of everything. I try to make it a policy now with new mums to just say everything they're doing is brilliant.

@Ionlydomassiveones no they don't, and I'm not claiming they do. They're not my statistics and I would never use them to harangue a mother into breastfeeding... respectfully I'm not a person who is creating this guilt so i don't think i can or need to answer this. I am merely saying that:

• if you can't breastfeeding, formula is amazing
• if you can breastfeed, great because I think bm is even better
• no one should be made to feel bad for their choices
• if there was better support and education, more people in this country would be able to breastfeed.

I don't know about the rest of the UK, but in NI almost everyone uses formula. You're more likely to be judged for breastfeeding here. I was. In fact I was seen as stubborn and a weirdo for continuing. Often by my own family. Thing is - I AM stubborn. I might even be a bit weird, come to think of it

Don't worry about people judging you. How you feed your child is between you, your child and the wall. Nobody knows your own particular situation and it's got absolutely nothing to do with them.

No sensible, rational person cares if you BF or FF your baby.

There is a lot of bad science reporting around the benefits of BF over FF, and often this does not account for the fact that 100% of FF babies would not survive if they were not given formula, when the mother can't or doesn't want to BF.

I'm in NI as well and it seemed like everyone else around me was breastfeeding. I suppose I was hyper-aware though.

I've FF one baby, bf another. Never noticed judgement either time.

People judge all the time tho. Someone will be judging you right now on the shoes you're wearing, the colour of your living rooms walls, the job you do (or don't do), the size of your garden, your level of education, your accent, your baby's outfit, your hair cut..... literally all the time. And be honest, you almost definitely make these little judgements about others yourself even if you're not really aware of it. You can't give it a second thought, what's the point?!

Enjoy your baby and well done on establishing the feeding successfully.

Well if you don’t want to bf ‘ or “even try” the midwives basically treat you like shit once your out the delivery room. I was tutted and sighed at and eye rolled and questioned when I asked for help to take the very tight screw top lid off a bottle of formula. By the midwife who was STANDING AT THE END OF MY FUCKING BED, perhaps if they hadn’t knackered my hands with their many many attempts to get a cannula in I would have had some grip left. In contrast the ‘good mum’ next to me had midwives crawling all over her to help the baby latch, they practically kicked my bed every time they walked past😁
So I think you feel on the back foot from the start, already judged and found wanting, already a big old disappointment and a let down . So I think you feel judged from the off.
Then, every time anybody ever mentions they ff , certainly on mn including the op, it’s always accompanied by a very long winded lengthy explanation ( in brackets ) as to WHY they HAD to ff and not bf. Like they need to explain. I hate seeing it. So basically I think it’s mostly in your head, the seed is planted, and you feel judged and defensive. We judge ourselves !
To answer your op outside hcp I’ve never had a shitty comment. And when I was asked for the last baby why I wasnt breastfeeding , I said I didn’t want to, she gets in the way of the ashtray 😁

The only person judging me was my own mother which was very upsetting as she was the last person on Earth I would have expected to turn on me.
I never managed to establish breastfeeding and was battling PND so had a pretty horrific time, I genuinely felt the best thing I could do for my baby was to give him the amount of food he needed at the time he needed it but I could only do that with formula. According to my mother, I didn't try hard enough and it was selfish of me to put my own needs before of my baby's. It still stings (her lack of support & judgment, not the fact I couldn't breastfeed) but all of my friends and DH were incredibly supportive and toddler DS is thriving so I'm comfortable with my decision. I genuinely would start with formula straight away next time around and save all the stress and anxiety around BF-ing.

@Franca123

I wish I had met one happy formula feeder like myself. Luckily my family are very practical about these things so we're just very supportive of everything. I try to make it a policy now with new mums to just say everything they're doing is brilliant.

A fabulous policy

Someone will judge you for formula feeding and someone will judge you for breastfeeding.
There are always wankers who think you should care for your baby exactly as they did.

I live on the borders of yummy mummy land. Bottle feeding is absolutely shamed there. I very very very rarely see anyone else bottle feeding at the baby classes and I've had loads of passive aggressive comments. Even weird ones when talking about cloth nappies like "Well, obviously I don't know what kind of nappies you'd need for a formula fed baby, as their poo is so so different".

I also have a traumatic story and it was all so very shit and lonely.

Some people may judge but do you really want to be friends with them anyway?

@stillsleeptrianing how rude and bonkers is that? I cloth nappy. Shit is shit. You don't change your nappies once they go onto solids so they are just being rude! Tinkly laugh and smile

@Ruibies

I'm currently pregnant and thinking I will ff, for a number of reasons including my history of breast cancer. But I am overwhelmed by all the literature I have been given so far which ONLY focuses on breastfeeding, and has made me feel like I absolutely have to try even if it's not what I want to do. I've found very little information on formula feeding (like how to actually make a bloody bottle, what temperature things should be at etc) but have pages and pages and pages of info on how to breastfeed. I haven't even started yet and I feel judged/pressured just by the stupid books.

I'm also really worried about how/when/if my milk will come in on my non-cancer boob and dealing with drying it all up, which sounds absolutely horrendous and painful. I'm going to ask my midwife at my 25 week appointment because that's probably the part I"m dreading most at the moment and not sure if that stress is justified or how best to manage it.

I just wanted to reply to you. I have a good friend who had breast cancer at 24 and lost one breast and part of the other.

She's was super lucky to get pregnant naturally during a break in her hormone treatment. Like you she was really worried about breastfeeding and how / if it could work. It was yet another reminder that her breasts had been through a lot already.

She was able to breastfeed from her healthy breast. She sought out some specialist support before baby was born and mix fed from the start as well. She was really pleased to be able to breastfeed and did it until her daughter was 8 months when she had to resume hormone treatment.

I hope this helps

Tiktok should honestly be renamed tiktoccic. It’s a vile platform full of twats who are competing to see who can shout the loudest and make the most outrageous claims and statements, most of which are bollocks or designed to upset people.

And worth remembering that until they were very publicly shamed for doing so, they deliberately manipulated the posts of disabled users to ensure they didn’t get views so they wouldn’t get likes or follows.

TBH we all judge and we are all judged at some point. I FF and it genuinely never occurred to me to give a shit what other people thought. And if I’m brutally honest, it’s only since I started posting on MN that I’ve encountered this whole “breast is best” notion where people witter on about the assumed benefits of bf vs formula, most of which have now been discredited anyway.