How do you NEVER leave your child to cry?

[NommyChompers]

I often read on here ‘I have never left my child to cry’ but honestly how does this work in practice? Today I have an awful cold so baby was crying in rocker in the bathroom while I had a hot shower to clear my sinuses. I have IBS so occasionally she is also left to cry for ten minutes while I’m on the loo. How in reality are other parents handling these situations so the baby never cries?

Is is worth never having a long shower/loo break/never sleep training? I feel guilty but then I think why?? Why am I a bad mother for making a cuppa if they are clinging all day after jabs/washing/going to the loo?

I never left my baby to cry so that I could have a shower and tbh I regret it. I spent her whole first year showing twice a week at most. Looking back it was awful.

I had twins. One usually cried while I dealt with the other - hardly neglect. And NO I don’t feel guilty. Needs must.

I always wondered this. I also have IBS so had to dash off often.

I've wondered this too OP - do they never drive on the motorway? And when does it stop? I have friends who still won't let their 3 year olds cry - and their behaviour seems a hell of a lot worse than my 3 year old who gained no attention from us if crying or tantrumming. The behaviours they describe in their 3 year olds sound like our child at 18m or just turned 2, certainly not what we'd expect now. Sorry, slight tangent!

I had great intentions but DS was an absolutely miserable little person he cried for approximately 23 1/2 hours a day and that's only a slight exaggeration.

He had reflux, CMPA, FOMO and he was just generally a grumpy toad. I suspect those who claim to have never left their child to cry and feign horror at how awful it would be have placid chilled children who hardly whimper.

I think people are misunderstanding, I never intentionally left my baby to cry, obviously if you need the toilet or a kick shower that’s different but I wouldn’t purposely ignore my baby whilst they cried, that’s the different.

I never let my babies cry. We got in the bath together.
I was lucky they wouldn’t cry if they could see me.

I've wondered this too OP - do they never drive on the motorway?

I was going to ask a similar thing. What do they do they do if they're driving? Sometimes it's just not possible to pull over, and some babies just really don't like the car, do their parents just never take them in the car?

I only see those examples as leaving your baby to cry if they were crying already, and you left them to go and have a shower. Which I don’t think you mean?

I have IBS and take DD with me when I have an episode. Would never leave her for 10 mins, I couldn't handle it! Her crying breaks me.

I wouldn't say I leave her to cry generally. There are times when I'm driving and it's not safe to stop, and I have had her in her highchair right in front of the shower for the 90 seconds it's taken me to wash when she has cried, but it's genuinely never been longer than that and I would arrange my day so I didn't have to shower when I was with her.

When newborn I'd have literally 30 second showers, enough not to smell. When older I'd put a playmat in the bathroom with me, then a swing seat. Apart from that they were always with me. I will never forget the night when I was having to hold my baby while I was vomiting in the loo as we all had a bug and she just couldn't be put down as she'd scream herself sick again. I think it depends on the baby though. My first was a velcro baby and the only time I ever let her cry for 1 min we ended up in a&e as she got a rash from the screaming that triggered a leukaemia assessment. Second baby much more chilled and far less urgent in his cry.

I wouldn't say never let them like I suppose in the car and stuff but I never did any sleep training and I guess they just kinda came around with me.

I think people who say that mean it like they never did it as a deliberate “tactic”, eg as part of sleep training. Because you’re right, I don’t see how it’s possible otherwise. DD cried literally the second I put her down, even if I was right there, until she was about 6 months old. So even a quick wee, or making myself a really quick sandwich etc on mat leave was always accompanied by screaming. But I wouldn’t class that as “leaving her to cry”.
And I assume second babies cry for longer before they are attended to, because for example you can’t leave a toddler unattended in the bath if the baby starts crying, so sometimes the baby will have to wait.

People just mean they wouldn’t ignore a crying baby deliberately, there are people that think you shouldn’t pick up a baby if they cry as they need to settle for themselves etc, that’s all.

I always wonder this and tbh just assume those saying they never let baby cry must be a massive bullshitter as it seems physically impossible!

2 DC here and even when I just had the one child I still had to leave him to cry sometimes - eg. Whilst I nipped for a wee, crying in high chair whilst I quickly heated up his food, crying in cot if I had to quickly run down to open the door to postman etc.

Now with DS2 I actually let him cry quite often. I'm dealing with his big bro and he has to wait sometimes (and vice versa). I also have found with DS2 that he wakes from a nap crying out but if left for a few mins always falls back to sleep for a nice long nap so I now no longer rush in ... it's just his way of getting back to sleep.

There are times when it's unavoidable, as in if I need a wee or we're in the car nearly home, and in those situations I try to comfort her verbally so even though she's crying, she can still hear my voice. I've always assumed it to mean not leaving a baby to cry if there's another option. We don't do sleep training for example, no judgement to those who do it but I know there's no way I could sit there knowing my baby is screaming for me and not do anything, I'd have to be really really at my wits end before I was strong enough to do that. But if my baby is crying and I can be with her then I am

We took public transport everywhere instead of driving. In hindsight DCs probably would have been fine but I just would have been too panicky myself!
We had a bouncing chair in the bathroom and thankfully DCs mostly were okay in there with me just interacting with them a bit while on the loo/ playing peekaboo from the shower!
Used slings mostly out and about rather than the pram.
I do think at the end of the day it depends on the baby's temperament though- whether they are naturally calmer vs cry more easily. And the mum's temperament too- I know I'm a bit of a wuss really.

When my baby cried I stopped what I was doing and tried to comfort her. So I only showered when she was in a good mood, which was most of the time because her life was awesome. She was always in the bathroom with me when I showered and could watch me and listen to me in the shower (and, when she learned to stand, she’d poke at me through the shower curtain).

As for the toilet, if she was in a clingy mood I’d just carry her in with me. I very rarely went to the loo by myself in the first two years.

I didn’t do any motorway drives for the same 2 yrs and if she cried when I was driving round town I’d pull over and feed her, which always cheered her up.

It isn’t actually that hard to do what I did, except at night when she woke all the time, eventually we had to cosleep. But Babies who are left to cry, cry much more, so I ended up with a very calm and cheerful little dude. There was no such thing as ‘me time’ but I didn’t want any back then, I was totally in love and didn’t want to be apart.

I think they mean purposefully, like sleep training where you leave them to cry for short periods. We did it ‘gently’ with both DDs and they are champion sleepers, self settle easily without us there etc. I feel zero guilt. They get a good sleep, we get a good sleep and as such we are all happy & healthy & not tired = a much better parent and much happier days.

Do these mums also never let their toddlers cry?! Mine has a meltdown every 5 minutes at the moment 🙃 usually because she wants the red plate & I give her the red plate & actually she wants the green one.. 🙄😂

So I only showered when she was in a good mood, which was most of the time because her life was awesome.

This is a joke right? Please tell me it's a joke. You don't really think other peoples children cry more because their lives are shit and they have shit parents?

I was going to ask a similar thing. What do they do they do if they're driving? Sometimes it's just not possible to pull over, and some babies just really don't like the car, do their parents just never take them in the car?

DS wasn't greatly fond of the car so we sensibly tried not to use it much but then we also discovered he hated the pushchair and the sling too so short of lugging the miserable bugger on my hip everytime we wanted to leave the house which we resolved really wouldn't be the smartest idea he sort of had to just endure it.

Yes he cried but then he also cried if we stayed inside and didn't go out so I couldn't win.

@PinkWaferBiscuit

I had great intentions but DS was an absolutely miserable little person he cried for approximately 23 1/2 hours a day and that's only a slight exaggeration.

He had reflux, CMPA, FOMO and he was just generally a grumpy toad. I suspect those who claim to have never left their child to cry and feign horror at how awful it would be have placid chilled children who hardly whimper.

I had one of these babies too. DS1 cries constantly no matter what I did for him. So I did develop an immunity to his crying somewhat.

I also wonder if these people only have one precious first born. Having had a toddler and newborn, there were times when I simply couldn't deal with both DC at the same time. So whichever child's need was less urgent was left to cry while I dealt with the other.

Smug much @Thirtytimesround - what a perfect parent 🙄 god forbid a parent wants some me time..

Bit baffled why my kids are such happy, cheerful, loving little girls when I clearly have given them an awful life by on occasion letting them cry 🤔 Somethings gone a bit wrong with that theory clearly..

I guess we don’t love our kids as much as you do. 🤦🏼‍♀️

@Whinge

I've wondered this too OP - do they never drive on the motorway?

I was going to ask a similar thing. What do they do they do if they're driving? Sometimes it's just not possible to pull over, and some babies just really don't like the car, do their parents just never take them in the car?

I know someone who stopped every 15 minutes to get the baby out and console them.

Cut to their three year old daughter still having screaming tantrums in the car. They have to give her the iPad the second her car seat straps have clicked.

I think you are conflating two things here. I’m not sure there has ever been a baby who has never cried. Crying is communication. Gentle/responsive parenting doesn’t advocate to never let your children cry. That’s an impossible task and will lead to burn out parents and kids who don’t understand boundaries and emotions. Of course if you desperately need the toilet your baby may cry (although I deffo did take colicky DS into the loo with me in a stretchy sling more than once ).

I, however, never intentionally left DS to cry and my God did that baby cry a lot. Happy, chill baby he was not. Call me a martyr, but I avoided car journeys as much as possible, showered when DH was around, prepared food in advance for myself and walked for miles and miles to get him to nap. Never sleep trained. I’m not saying I’m right at all - his first year was awfully hard work. It’s just what felt right and worked best at the time.