How do you NEVER leave your child to cry?

[NommyChompers]

I often read on here ‘I have never left my child to cry’ but honestly how does this work in practice? Today I have an awful cold so baby was crying in rocker in the bathroom while I had a hot shower to clear my sinuses. I have IBS so occasionally she is also left to cry for ten minutes while I’m on the loo. How in reality are other parents handling these situations so the baby never cries?

Is is worth never having a long shower/loo break/never sleep training? I feel guilty but then I think why?? Why am I a bad mother for making a cuppa if they are clinging all day after jabs/washing/going to the loo?

My son wasn’t much of a crier. I had a better chance of having a shower when he was a tiny newborn than when he was around 6 months. I had him in the bouncer while I had a shower, then put in his cot with toys as he started walking at 9 months. He used to get fed up in the cot after a few minutes but I had to leave him somewhere for his own safety! Inevitably, sometimes I had to leave him to cry while I got other things done. I didn’t leave him for long though.

ReeseWitherfork ah so you've never witnessed a tantrum? Either it's yet to come or you have amazingly placid kid.

Of course my kid has tantrums, especially at the moment (thank you lack of routine). He doesn't often have "full on ones" though to be fair. But I don't just leave him, there's a variety of tactics, and if they don't work then I'll loiter nearby and reassure him I'm ready when he wants me.

But I will be clear that my son has never had to scream and throw himself on the floor to get my attention. I'm still not making any suggestions about your parenting, I even asked you some questions to understand it further which you ignored. The OP asked about leaving toddlers to cry, and my answer would remain that I don't think it's normal behaviour to ignore a toddler who is going to such lengths to get your attention.

Lord is there anything more grim to read on a parenting forum than parents smugly belittling each other from opposite sides of a debate like this.

Why of course those parents that teach tiny wee babies to be independent are incredibly clever and they have magic babies that sleep better than everyone else's and as a result they are smarter and better than everyone else's babies who are much better than the gentle parents terror children who will grow up to be paddying adults because they weren't ever given boundaries.

But then those perfect parents who take a literal shit holding their infant so as not to ever expose them to the remotest inconvenience OBVIOUSLY love their children more who are undoubtedly happier and more well rounded!!

I mean... seriously.. do you all realise how utterly ridiculous you all sound?!?!?!?!?!?

@ReeseWitherfork I'm ignoring you because I don't think it warrants a reply. I could perfectly justify myself to you, but I don't feel that I need to.

Sorry, just remind me, how many children do you have? And what ages?

@FTEngineerM

Ummmm Hi everyone, it’s still absolutely fine to yah know.. clean your teeth and look after yourself when you’ve had a baby.

Their heads won’t fall off if they cry for a minute or two.

Absolutely

Ok so ... if I went to the loo, the baby wasn't crying when I left her. She was happy in her cot or bouncy chair or some such. In the next room. Leave the door open. Even if 10 mins, unlikely they will start crying? Same with shower?

Shower when they're asleep? I try to do everything when they're asleep.

Ok sure there might be the odd few minutes when they cry, but the principle is as soon as they start, you go to them as soon as is reasonably possible given what you're doing.

It honestly makes for more settled babies, in my experience.

My daughter cried all day, every day unless asleep or feeding for the first four months. She would wake up if I put her down and then scream again until I’d paced around the house for half an hour rocking her to sleep again.

Often, I thought it was easier to put her down while she was already crying and grab a shower or cup of tea or whatever. It was either put her down already crying, or put her down and have her start crying within 5 seconds anyway.

I’m amused by all the smug “It honestly makes for more settled babies, in my experience” comments and the like.

It just shows me that, actually, they have very little experience of it.

I thought the phrase was sleep when baby sleeps, not shower when they're asleep?

Of course I'd try to do things during settled periods, but if you have a collicky or velcro baby this isn't always possible.

Equally when you have two very young children,.you don't have the choice to leave them.

I fail to see how, in the course if human evolution, that leaving a child to cry from time to time for whatever reason will harm them. It just doesn't make much sense from an evolutionary perspective.

I completely agree with you OP. I often left my dd to cry otherwise I'd never have showered, pooed alone or got any housework done. Once, when she was teething, she cried for 6 hours non stop. I was on the verge of losing my mind, so I put her in her cot and sat at the end of garden crying in sheer frustration. It's not done her any harm whatsoever. She's now 3yo and we have a wonderfully close bond but she's also very independent, which is lovely. We've rarely had sleep issues and she's happy to go to childcare and stay over at her GP house. I believe it's because she's learnt to self-soothe from a fairly young age.

@loopyapp

Amen! I’m one of those parents who has been known to go to the loo with a newborn attached to them (not now he’s a toddler, hell no, he’d try and climb in the damn thing) BECAUSE IT WORKED FOR ME. If it doesn’t work for others that’s also completely fine. Nobody is any less of a parent. The extreme views and name calling whenever this topic is bought up (which is often) is depressing.

My children were left crying so I could have a shower,pooh and feel like a human being!I was a great Mum for neglecting them ..all in their 20s and happy level headed adults!

[quote AliceW89]@loopyapp

Amen! I’m one of those parents who has been known to go to the loo with a newborn attached to them (not now he’s a toddler, hell no, he’d try and climb in the damn thing) BECAUSE IT WORKED FOR ME. If it doesn’t work for others that’s also completely fine. Nobody is any less of a parent. The extreme views and name calling whenever this topic is bought up (which is often) is depressing.[/quote]
And yet it continues despite calling them out on it.. so quick are they to stick their two pennies worth in they aren't even reading the thread 😑

I haven't seen any name calling...perhaps I didnt read the full thread.

It's like anything though, when someone says you're wrong for letting your baby cry (inferring you have harmed them) people get on the defensive. On the other side, people criticising those that never let their baby cry can't quite comprehend how that is possible. There's a happy medium.

I think modern parents (myself included) tend to overestimate their level of influence over what the baby gets up to. It’s mostly just troubleshooting via guesswork and the baby will do what they had been going to do anyway on any given day. Cluster feed before a growth spurt, be a colicky cranky bastard, be in a really good mood and nap perfectly then sleep for 12 hours, whatever. I think if what makes you feel most comfortable is to forgo a shower to be as attentive as you’re physically able to to the baby then that’s great; if what’s going to make you feel best is having a daily shower and doing your makeup then that’s great too. The baby will almost certainly turn out the same as they would have turned out anyway.

I would leave mine to cry while I went to the loo, showered, ate. My mental health would've gone down hill rapidly if I hadn't looked after myself. I also sleep trained, no regrets.

Hypothetically if I had another child (never going to happen!), they would 100% have be left to cry as my DD2 (age 3) is disabled. If I had had a typical 2 year age gap then I would have conceived hypothetical child before it was obvious DD had extra needs and right in the time where she needed a huge level of care, as she couldn't even walk then. She's wonderful but needs a lot more help and attention than other children.

@MyDcAreMarvel there's a few I've wanted to respond to but this I don't understand.

It's not ok to shower if you are covered in baby sick / poo explosion / you want to just be clean?? Surely that is a basic need? Or maybe ok if you just literally see no one else??

Pnd should absolutely not be the only exemption to have a quick shower and probably jump out with conditioner in your hair to comfort a whingy baby????

And to have a poo in peace, you have to have IBS as a justification. Why aren't mother's allowed to do basic self care in peace? From the beginning I've taken a shower every day and pood with the door shut on my own. Because I deserve that!!!!!

I have 2 children. DC1 was very placid and hardly ever cried, if he did make a little whimper I was there like a shot! He came everywhere with me (toilet, bathroom whilst I showered etc). DC1 is also disabled meaning when DC2 came along there were and are times he has to cry which goes against every instinct in me but is unavoidable (while I am helping or changing DC1). DC2 also has a completely different temperament and is a crier and a bit of a whinge! He too comes everywhere with me (he is my little shadow!) but that doesn’t stop him crying and often picking him up/breastfeeding him/comforting him doesn’t stop him. He just needs to get it out of his system, it does him no harm!

I really think it depends on your parenting style. My baby was incredibly demanding, literally couldn’t put him down or he would cry ect, instead of just leaving him to cry it out (gave me huge anxiety), I would wear the sling around the house. I did feel like a Baby mattress for the first 14 months but he is very independent now. His tantrums are very easy to diffuse, I just reassure him that it’s ok to be angry and that I’m here when he’s ready ect. I really couldn’t say whether it’s because I didn’t let him cry or whether it’s just personality though.

Ultimately, we are all different and thank goodness we are. Different ways of parenting is what causes us to love being in others company, meeting different people to ourselves, new experiences and point of views ect.

@User310

I really think it depends on your parenting style. My baby was incredibly demanding, literally couldn’t put him down or he would cry ect, instead of just leaving him to cry it out (gave me huge anxiety), I would wear the sling around the house. I did feel like a Baby mattress for the first 14 months but he is very independent now. His tantrums are very easy to diffuse, I just reassure him that it’s ok to be angry and that I’m here when he’s ready ect. I really couldn’t say whether it’s because I didn’t let him cry or whether it’s just personality though.

Ultimately, we are all different and thank goodness we are. Different ways of parenting is what causes us to love being in others company, meeting different people to ourselves, new experiences and point of views ect.

Now imagine he hated the sling.

Just to add DC2 is not just to left cry it out! He is never left alone crying or having a tantrum, I am there reassuring and talking to him but I can’t always physically go to him if I am tending to his brother. As long as children are loved and cared for we all just have to do what works best for us and our families, what works for some won’t work for others (for example slings, cuddles, songs etc)

@Idontwanna

I would eat my own words and be on the other side of this debate! Ha.

@Opalfeet none of my three children have thrown themselves on the floor or had tantrums just to get my attention. They had/have tantrums because they were feeling cross or frustrated or sad or mad. However, if they were having a tantrum because they wanted my attention I still wouldn’t ignore them, I would probably get down to their level and say something along then lines of ‘I wonder if you are feeling cross because mummy is busy tidying up? How about you draw for a bit and then I will come and play with you once I am finished’ or if more appropriate I would get them to ‘help’ me. I might ask them to tell me what is wrong. But despite never coming across that situation in many years of parenting , I still wouldn’t ignore my crying child.

[quote 3WildOnes]@Opalfeet none of my three children have thrown themselves on the floor or had tantrums just to get my attention. They had/have tantrums because they were feeling cross or frustrated or sad or mad. However, if they were having a tantrum because they wanted my attention I still wouldn’t ignore them, I would probably get down to their level and say something along then lines of ‘I wonder if you are feeling cross because mummy is busy tidying up? How about you draw for a bit and then I will come and play with you once I am finished’ or if more appropriate I would get them to ‘help’ me. I might ask them to tell me what is wrong. But despite never coming across that situation in many years of parenting , I still wouldn’t ignore my crying child.[/quote]
Ain't nobody got time for that.

Aahhhh yes @3WildOnes I'll just say to my almost two year old I wonder if you're feeling cross and he will just wonder wtf I am talking about. Then I'll suggest he draw for a bit? 🙄.

He's good at doing screaming tantrums and throwing himself on the floor- that's his style, so you want me to have a big conversation every time he does this?
I went through a similar stage with my other child who went through a period where he would head butt the kitchen cupboards to get our attention. He stopped after two weeks and each time it got more gentle as he realised he might hurt himself. And yes sometimes I have sat holding two tantrumming kids belly laughing at the incredulity of it all.

But yeah I agree with previous poster- sorry I ain't got time for that shit.

I'm not going to explain what I was doing or why I ignored my almost two year old, but he stopped tantrumming to walk in and look at me (was all quiet) then proceeded to go back outside and throw himself on the floor again. He knew exactly what he was doing and was in no way traumatised. Yes it's developmentally normal and appropriate, it's also appropriate for parents to create boundaries at this age too. They're no longer newborns.