How do you NEVER leave your child to cry?

[NommyChompers]

I often read on here ‘I have never left my child to cry’ but honestly how does this work in practice? Today I have an awful cold so baby was crying in rocker in the bathroom while I had a hot shower to clear my sinuses. I have IBS so occasionally she is also left to cry for ten minutes while I’m on the loo. How in reality are other parents handling these situations so the baby never cries?

Is is worth never having a long shower/loo break/never sleep training? I feel guilty but then I think why?? Why am I a bad mother for making a cuppa if they are clinging all day after jabs/washing/going to the loo?

@Opalfeet I have three. I’ve still never intentionally left one to cry. Yes occasionally one might be crying whilst I am sorting the other out but that is never usually for long.

@3WildOnes what do you mean by intentionally? Why wouldn't you leave them to cry of they were having a tantrum? I have two and when I had a two year old and a new born it was impossible not to leave one crying.

We let ours cry a bit but there a difference between crying for food or discomfort and crying/winging wanting picking up all the time.
but they obviously had there moment or when they were ill but they didn't cry a lot
My sister picked her up every time they made a noise she had 2 very clingy whinny kids constantly wanting attention

@Opalfeet intentionally as in I could go and comfort them, so not on the loo, not driving, not in the middle of making myself a cup of tea, not comforting another child, etc, but I choose not to. So I don’t leave them to cry it out for sleep. If they are having a tantrum then no I wouldn’t just walk away and leave them to cry, I would empathise and offer a hug, I might try and distract if young enough, but would also respect their need to be left alone if that’s what they chose.

Time out etc is very popular and effective, and by that metric certainly not ridiculous, but more and more modern parenting methods are moving away from the use of any punishments like this at all.

Likewise ignoring a child when they tantrum is starting to go out of fashion, the understanding is that when children are having tantrums or misbehaving it is because they are in what we call an activated state, kind of like fight or flight mode - while separating the children has a useful immediate boundary effect of preventing the behaviour, the idea that the child is sitting in time out thinking about what they did wrong is probably not very accurate. Most children who are being/have been punished are thinking how unfair life is and how their sibling/parent is so mean. Or more worryingly they may be thinking about what a bad person they are, which is not great for self esteem or growth mindset (the belief that you can change your own actions)

Of course you can talk through the behaviour after the time out when the child calms down, which if you've been doing time out properly I think most people obviously do. And it can certainly be helpful to have a moment to pause and breathe to plan that conversation knowing that your child is in a safe place and not hurting anyone. The methods that avoid time out etc just skip that step and use connection or reflecting feelings as that interim step instead, in order to help the child regulate themselves before you try to do any work to change their behaviour, because if the child is still resentful from being punished or still angry or agitated from the original incident or whatever led to it, then they can't take in instruction or learning about how to handle that situation in the future.

I never left them to cry but would wait until their naps before showering, etc so they would be asleep. Longer things like baths I'd wait until their Daddy was home. But I was lucky with baby no 2 as my husband took a break from accepting contracts to enjoy family time so he was around all the time for the first year or so. Lots of lovely baths, which I really appreciated!!

@N4ish

When I say I never left my babies to cry I don’t mean things like leaving them for 2 minutes while I went to the loo or if they were crying in frustration about having to leave the park at closing time. That’s all natural, unavoidable and probably healthy for learning boundaries. I mean I never purposely did things to make them cry like sleep training or ridiculous time out/naughty step type punishments.

Why is time out ridiculous?

So when my two year old threw himself on the floor screaming the other day, then walked into the bedroom to try and get my attention, then walked out again and threw himself on the floor. I should have gone to him? He just wanted attention and was screaming and throwing himself on the floor to get it. I'll happily comfort some tantrums as and when appropriate, but there's certainly many I ignore too- context is important. Works for us anyway. They do develop a theory of mind after 18 months, they also learn that certain behaviour gets them what they want. So if every time they scream you run to them then this will reinforce that behaviour. It's not rocket science. A newborn crying and an 18 month old plus tantrumming are two different things.

@UpDownRound

I've wondered this too OP - do they never drive on the motorway? And when does it stop? I have friends who still won't let their 3 year olds cry - and their behaviour seems a hell of a lot worse than my 3 year old who gained no attention from us if crying or tantrumming. The behaviours they describe in their 3 year olds sound like our child at 18m or just turned 2, certainly not what we'd expect now. Sorry, slight tangent!

It's called holding space for your child while they learn to process their emotions. Their child might be more 'immature' now but maybe hold out any comparisons before puberty/ adulthood starts.

How do they learn to stay calm if they are ignored? How do they build that skill set? If you raised your child in complete silence would you expect them to learn to talk? If you don't teach them to read will you expect them to figure it out alone?

Also, don't be surprised when they become a teenager and don't come to you with their issues - you've already conditioned them to expect to be ignored whilst in distress.

Op - I don't leave my toddler to cry but occasionally it happens. For the most part I keep her close and explain what I am doing and how long I'll be. I started doing that when she was about 6 months she's 2 next month and it has helped. She doesn't often tantrum but we've not hit terrible twos yet!

'For the most part I keep her close and explain what I am doing and how long I'll be. I started doing that when she was about 6 months she's 2 next month and it has helped. She doesn't often tantrum but we've not hit terrible twos yet!*

I'd love to agree it was all down to you talking to her and explaining it but honestly it's much more likely down to her personality.

I appreciate that those who don't have children who cry lots really can never truly understand but if you've had such a child people wouldnt be quite as quick to make comments about how them crying will lead to th being teens who don't come to you because you ignored them.

Maybe think twice about how a parent most likely already filled with guilt because their child cried lots as an infant would feel upon reading such comments. At the end of the day if you have a calm placid child you'll never understand.

@Opalfeet

So when my two year old threw himself on the floor screaming the other day, then walked into the bedroom to try and get my attention, then walked out again and threw himself on the floor. I should have gone to him? He just wanted attention and was screaming and throwing himself on the floor to get it. I'll happily comfort some tantrums as and when appropriate, but there's certainly many I ignore too- context is important. Works for us anyway. They do develop a theory of mind after 18 months, they also learn that certain behaviour gets them what they want. So if every time they scream you run to them then this will reinforce that behaviour. It's not rocket science. A newborn crying and an 18 month old plus tantrumming are two different things.

Wait, so your toddler is having to scream and throw himself on the floor to get your attention and you don't give it to him? Why is he having to try so hard to get your attention? My toddler definitely has angry/sad/frustrated moments but they're not because he isn't getting any attention. Those moments are developmentally completely normal, they're not "bad behaviour".

@ReeseWitherfork 😂😂😂 wow just wow. Because the rest of the time I obviously just ignore him, I mean he is on his own all day with no stimulation. Poor kid 🙄

[quote Opalfeet]@ReeseWitherfork 😂😂😂 wow just wow. Because the rest of the time I obviously just ignore him, I mean he is on his own all day with no stimulation. Poor kid 🙄[/quote]
I agree with you. I ignore tantrums. I praise good behaviour.

I appreciate that those who don't have children who cry lots really can never truly understand but if you've had such a child people wouldnt be quite as quick to make comments about how them crying will lead to th being teens who don't come to you because you ignored them.

I don't think the comment about teens was referring to ignoring a crying baby, but rather a crying three year old as per the quoted posted. I can't see why there wouldn't be a long term consequence of not teaching children what their emotions are. You can ignore a three year old who is crying, or you can support them and offer them a hug. If a three year old who is sad or angry is only ever ignored, then they're hardly going to turn into an adult who asks for help when they're having a bad day.

I agree with you. I ignore tantrums. I praise good behaviour.

Are you therefore saying tantrums are bad behaviour?

@ReeseWitherfork

I agree with you. I ignore tantrums. I praise good behaviour.

Are you therefore saying tantrums are bad behaviour?

When it’s just to get your attention while you’re a little bit busy, for example making lunch or getting dressed, yes

When it’s just to get your attention while you’re a little bit busy, for example making lunch or getting dressed, yes

Then I feel entirely blessed never to have seen this. My son definitely doesn't merrily ignore me while I'm doing those sorts of things, he might be sat talking to me or playing in the vicinity, he certainly isn't screaming and throwing himself on the floor. I guess my original questions still stand for me to understand, but can't see that I'll be answered.

I can't see why there wouldn't be a long term consequence of not teaching children what their emotions are. You can ignore a three year old who is crying, or you can support them and offer them a hug. If a three year old who is sad or angry is only ever ignored, then they're hardly going to turn into an adult who asks for help when they're having a bad day.

No one is saying they aren't teaching their children about their emotions. That's a completely separate discussion to leaving a child to cry.

Your toddler might always have a reason why they are crying but trust me mine isn't always crying for a reason assuming that you can support them through every bout of tears or they won't be emotionally stable might work for yours but I'd spend some days doing nothing else and that's just not practical.

I have never left my baby to cry either. Of course my baby (young toddler) cries, I will try to settle baby by singing or reassuring if I am tied up, but if after 30 seconds or so he was still crying, I would stop what ever I was doing and pick him up.

I have even been known to take my toddler to the loo and sit him on my knee.. urghhh.

@ReeseWitherfork

I appreciate that those who don't have children who cry lots really can never truly understand but if you've had such a child people wouldnt be quite as quick to make comments about how them crying will lead to th being teens who don't come to you because you ignored them.

I don't think the comment about teens was referring to ignoring a crying baby, but rather a crying three year old as per the quoted posted. I can't see why there wouldn't be a long term consequence of not teaching children what their emotions are. You can ignore a three year old who is crying, or you can support them and offer them a hug. If a three year old who is sad or angry is only ever ignored, then they're hardly going to turn into an adult who asks for help when they're having a bad day.

She cried I didn't look at her sock!

She cried and had a massive tantrum because OH gave her the wrong IMAGINARY fork!

She cried when she was told no!

She cried because we got a new car.

She cried because she already ate her toast.

She cried she didn't want a banana so I didn't give her one. Then i did and she cried because she didn't want the banana.

She cried because my mum is my mum and not just her grandma.

She cried because OH put my glasses on.(still a baby when she did that tbf)

I could keep going.

Ofc I ignored that crap. Gave her the space to be angry and let it all out because that's what she actually needed. There have also been cuddles and back rubbing and singing and sleeping on my chest because she was poorly or scared or had a nightmare. There have also been talks about feelings,emotions, what's going on in her little life and so on.

Now we're in the hormonal,emotional stages and sometimes she cries and then she cries even harder because she doesn't know why. Turns out she still simply just needs to let it all out sometimes.

idontwanna you said it so much better than me. Honestly like I tried to explain those who don't have emotional children who cry all the fucking time simply won't ever understand.

If your child is fortunate to be one that only cries once every 4 days of course you're more likely to never have to leave them to cry but if your child erupted into tears approximately every 4 minutes you'd naturally find never leaving them to cry was impossible.

@51Thirtytimesround so smug with your singleton. Good luck holding young twins as you change your sanitary towel and clean up a poo. Or tandem feeding on the side of the road

@Bobholll

I think they mean purposefully, like sleep training where you leave them to cry for short periods. We did it ‘gently’ with both DDs and they are champion sleepers, self settle easily without us there etc. I feel zero guilt. They get a good sleep, we get a good sleep and as such we are all happy & healthy & not tired = a much better parent and much happier days.

Do these mums also never let their toddlers cry?! Mine has a meltdown every 5 minutes at the moment 🙃 usually because she wants the red plate & I give her the red plate & actually she wants the green one.. 🙄😂

My grandson is like this. His mum now has a basket of his plates in a cupboard he has access to and he chooses his own. Today he cried at getting the wrong shape of garlic bread though 🤣🤣🤣

@idontWanna that made me laugh a, a great post!

@ReeseWitherfork ah so you've never witnessed a tantrum? Either it's yet to come or you have amazingly placid kid.

Oh no wait...it must be because you are doing something right and we are getting it all wrong?

🙄

Ummmm Hi everyone, it’s still absolutely fine to yah know.. clean your teeth and look after yourself when you’ve had a baby.

Their heads won’t fall off if they cry for a minute or two.