How do you NEVER leave your child to cry?

[NommyChompers]

I often read on here ‘I have never left my child to cry’ but honestly how does this work in practice? Today I have an awful cold so baby was crying in rocker in the bathroom while I had a hot shower to clear my sinuses. I have IBS so occasionally she is also left to cry for ten minutes while I’m on the loo. How in reality are other parents handling these situations so the baby never cries?

Is is worth never having a long shower/loo break/never sleep training? I feel guilty but then I think why?? Why am I a bad mother for making a cuppa if they are clinging all day after jabs/washing/going to the loo?

@Opalfeet

Aahhhh yes *@3WildOnes* I'll just say to my almost two year old I wonder if you're feeling cross and he will just wonder wtf I am talking about. Then I'll suggest he draw for a bit? 🙄. He's good at doing screaming tantrums and throwing himself on the floor- that's his style, so you want me to have a big conversation every time he does this? I went through a similar stage with my other child who went through a period where he would head butt the kitchen cupboards to get our attention. He stopped after two weeks and each time it got more gentle as he realised he might hurt himself. And yes sometimes I have sat holding two tantrumming kids belly laughing at the incredulity of it all.

But yeah I agree with previous poster- sorry I ain't got time for that shit.

I'm not going to explain what I was doing or why I ignored my almost two year old, but he stopped tantrumming to walk in and look at me (was all quiet) then proceeded to go back outside and throw himself on the floor again. He knew exactly what he was doing and was in no way traumatised. Yes it's developmentally normal and appropriate, it's also appropriate for parents to create boundaries at this age too. They're no longer newborns.

DD got into the habit of throwing herself on the floor sometimes, including head. But only AFTER she looked around and pulled the carpet/or a soft toy to land with her head on.

DD got into the habit of throwing herself on the floor sometimes, including head. But only AFTER she looked around and pulled the carpet/or a soft toy to land with her head on.

Reading this I found myself smiling and nodding along in agreement DS does the exact same thing!

It makes me laugh because I have an antenatal group friend who swears they can't be manipulative or deceptive at just 2 years old but then I watch DS doing the above and think well he must be an evil genius because he clearly knows exactly what he's doing.

Ain't nobody got time for that

I disagree. I’ve seen many an ineffective parent attempt to placate a tantruming child!

@IdontWanna @PinkWaferBiscuit that's very funny. They're supposed to develop a theory of mind anywhere from 18 months onwards and so supposedly capable of that kind of behaviour.

@BluebellsGreenbells that's the point I think, no time for placating. We just bloody well get on with it 🤷‍♀️.

@Opalfeet

Aahhhh yes *@3WildOnes* I'll just say to my almost two year old I wonder if you're feeling cross and he will just wonder wtf I am talking about. Then I'll suggest he draw for a bit? 🙄. He's good at doing screaming tantrums and throwing himself on the floor- that's his style, so you want me to have a big conversation every time he does this? I went through a similar stage with my other child who went through a period where he would head butt the kitchen cupboards to get our attention. He stopped after two weeks and each time it got more gentle as he realised he might hurt himself. And yes sometimes I have sat holding two tantrumming kids belly laughing at the incredulity of it all.

But yeah I agree with previous poster- sorry I ain't got time for that shit.

I'm not going to explain what I was doing or why I ignored my almost two year old, but he stopped tantrumming to walk in and look at me (was all quiet) then proceeded to go back outside and throw himself on the floor again. He knew exactly what he was doing and was in no way traumatised. Yes it's developmentally normal and appropriate, it's also appropriate for parents to create boundaries at this age too. They're no longer newborns.

I don’t want you to do anything! You can parent how you like. I am saying that I don’t leave my child to cry, even when they are having a tantrum. I have a two year old too (my youngest) I would say exactly that to her and often it would work 8/10, just acknowledging that she is feeling cross or frustrated often helps. With my middle distraction worked better and my eldest letting him have his space whilst letting him know that I was there if he wanted a cuddle. We have lots of boundaries, I don’t see this as a boundary issue. I see this as my opportunity to teach them how to deal with their strong emotions in a more acceptable way, to help regulate them so that they can learn to regulate themselves. You can say you ain’t got time for that but in my experience a little bit off time at the beginning pays off.

Well your two year old is more advanced than mine in terms of understanding emotions, my little boy wouldnt get it, and he is not yet two any way.

But leaving them allows them to regulate their emotions, the whole idea if regulating emotions is that they do it on their own, not with their mum sat next to them in the playground 🤷‍♀️ I've found that the time ignoring them pays off brilliantly too. I have a four year old who behaves immaculately when out and about.

I also use distraction and cuddles...when appropriate. This time it was appropriate to ignore his behaviour...context is everything.

He might start to get it if you start naming his emotions regularly. So every time you see he is cross/frustrated/sad name it. ‘You’re feeling sad because you wanted the blue plate’ . Though as I said with my middle child distraction worked better so I don’t think it is the magic answer for all children but I do think it helps lots of children to have their emotions acknowledged.

@RedCandyApple

People just mean they wouldn’t ignore a crying baby deliberately, there are people that think you shouldn’t pick up a baby if they cry as they need to settle for themselves etc, that’s all.

^^ This

@3WildOnes my first born didn't understand until around three. Ignoring works fine for us and when he launches himself in the floor in a muddy puddle on a freezing cold day it's certainly not a tactic I'd choose to employ. Personally I don't rate talking about emotions- it hasn't worked for me so far.

As I say every time someone posts this question, how can you not respond when your child cries? How can you carry on doing anything that’s not vital when the person you love most in the world is breaking their little heart crying?
When either of my kids cry it hits my brain in a way that means I can’t do anything except deal with it.

Maybe my brain hasn’t evolved as much as some of yours and I’m still in the cavewoman phase, or maybe I’m a martyr! Either way I wouldn’t change it, I can shower with a baby watching, they are only little once

@Spottybotty20

As I say every time someone posts this question, how can you not respond when your child cries? How can you carry on doing anything that’s not vital when the person you love most in the world is breaking their little heart crying? When either of my kids cry it hits my brain in a way that means I can’t do anything except deal with it.

Maybe my brain hasn’t evolved as much as some of yours and I’m still in the cavewoman phase, or maybe I’m a martyr! Either way I wouldn’t change it, I can shower with a baby watching, they are only little once

Ok but what happens if like other posters you have a baby who cries no matter what you do. Cries to be picked up, cries because you picked them up, cries because they want to be put down, cries because you put them down. What do you do when responding doesn't actually stop the crying?

As I say every time someone posts this question, how can you not respond when your child cries? How can you carry on doing anything that’s not vital when the person you love most in the world is breaking their little heart crying?
When either of my kids cry it hits my brain in a way that means I can’t do anything except deal with it

@Spottybotty20 so what would you do if:
Your baby cried when awake.. regardless of what you did, for 10 weeks solid. I mean constantly. From the second they were ripped from your womb in emcs to hear the neonatal paediatrician saying ‘wow that’s unusual, he has got a set of lungs hasn’t he’. Not just a cry, a scream, one which makes everyone around you, family and friends, start asking questions and looking online for reasons baby screams a high pitched wail.

That’s all your ears hear for ten fucking weeks, hours and hours each day spent trying with everything you have to soothe them. Taking everyone’s advice desperately because something must work at some point.

That’s 70 days of that bone tingling screaming you describe. I felt that bone tingle with every cry. Ultimately I worked out in my non neanderthal head that this would continue regardless of what doctor/HV/midwife/lead consultant I saw, no matter what advice I took old wives tale or not.

So yeah - I took a shower or a shit or just took a few minutes to myself zoning out from the noise. That is how I can not respond, not all day of course but for short periods at least, I didn’t respond because I needed things myself to stay sane.

@FTEngineerM I remember your post on the infant weaning section when your DC was younger. I’m glad it sounds like things improved. Perma-screaming newborns are just hideous. Literally don’t know how I would have coped if DH hadn’t been WFH. I probably wouldn’t, it was that bad. Anyway your post struck a cord

Sorry infant feeding section!

FTEngineerM hugs sorry you had such a rough time, I've been there too and as I said I wouldn't wish it in my worst enemy.

As I said earlier in the thread unfortunately no amount of indepth explanations or descriptions can ever fully portray actually being that parent unable to stop your child screaming no matter how much you try.

If you've not been there, then maybe stop for a second with the judgement and take a moment to just be thankful that you simply have never found yourself in a situatiom which makes you feel so helpless.

I think it all depends on the cry, I couldn't ignore a distressed upset cry but if it's just whinging / making noise then I'll leave them sometimes.
Recently moved my 18m old into his own room, I've left him crying making noise but always go in if he's getting upset and distressed.
I don't think there is a right or wrong, isn't everyone just doing their best? I have 2 very close in age so sometimes leaving one crying is unavoidable!

Glad my oldest is now a teenager or I would be feeling awful reading this. Her dad walked out when she was a week old and she never stopped crying. Going for a really quick shower or putting her in the bouncer for 5 mins while I walked into another room to keep my sanity was all that stopped me from losing the plot. She screamed from the moment she opened her eyes until the moment she fell asleep in my arms standing up. If I put her down she screamed. It was hell. I felt very guilty at the time but I had no one to give her too.

@FTEngineerM luckily my FB wasn't like that. However, he did cry for three hours (between 11.30 pm and 2.30 am non stop for about ten days between 5 weeks and 7 weeks, it was hell.

My hats off to you, hopefully things have got better as he's got older.

blessedbethechocolate

Hugs to you too, don't feel any guilt at all lovely you've no need. We'll done on getting through it and on no doubt raising a wonderful smart, strong young lady in the process.

@blessedbethechocolate I think that's exactly why people get defensive on threads like this.

Thank you @AliceW89 yes things are infinitely better now at 14 weeks, he’s pretty content now unless hungry which is easy to solve 😀🥲.

Thanks @PinkWaferBiscuit @Opalfeet I totally agree, unless you’ve had a baby that has that level of unknown uncomfort/pain it’s difficult to imagine.

Glad you’re all through it now too

Thank you so much @BertieBotts I listened to the podcast and found it very helpful!

I guess it's tricky to discuss this on a forum like this because in reality it does depend so much on the specific situation and individual context ... It is definitely good for children to have responsive care givers. But as this podcast said, also care givers who model self-care. So in some sense it is about finding a balance, and one which is always going to look slightly differently depending on what the individual child (and mum) are like.